Effect Measure

Sweet dreams for the super paranoid

If you are so paranoid you have trouble sleeping, the Quantum Sleeper is just the thing for you. It’s a bed made to protect you from biological and chemical terrorist attacks, natural disasters (tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, earthquakes), kidnappers/stalkers and features bulletproof “saferoom” protection (hat tip Boingboing).

The basic Quantum Sleeper unit consists of an aluminum bed frame and headboard with polycarbonate, bullet proof plating that is designed to provide a protective barrier (shielding) between a perpetrator or environmental condition and the homeowners or occupants.

The bullet proof polycarbonate barrier is designed to stop bullet penetration, blows from impact, forced entry and provide a sealed temporary safe room and environment from burglars, terrorist or harmful gasses and also provide protection from the destructive forces of tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes and floods. The unit can also be fitted with defensive devices customized to the requests of the purchasers such as tear gas spray, robotic arms, or projectile weaponry. It is designed to enable the person(s) inside the unit to see out and prevent those outside from seeing in.

The unit is equipped with a bio-chemical filter in case of bio-chemical attack and a rebreather system to enable the operator to seal off all outside air and provide breathable air for a specified amount of time. This system is used in such a case where the unit operator may need to release tear gas or another form of gaseous material in defense against a burglar or terrorist. The rebreather system is also useful as the ultimate protection (safe room) from weapons of mass destruction that may be used during biological warfare, chemical warfare, bio-chemical attack or other type gas attack that could release an unknown or new form of hazardous gas. There are doors on either side of the unit next to the headboard that have an emergency release button that when pressed will cause the doors to pop open in case of mechanical failure or loss of power to the operating systems. (Product site)

Of course I haven’t even scratched the surface (because the surface is unscratchable) of this miraculous bed. Yes. Keep reminding yourself. It’s a bed. Of course there are a few problems. You have to plug it into a standard 110 volt outlet, but I’m sure the grid will be up in all the emergencies you’d care about. Also it weighs a ton (literally: 2000 lbs) so if you are going to put it anywhere but a ground floor you need a structural engineer to certify your floor will hold. Basic means no extra options. Like?

– CD player,
– DVD Screen with PC hookup,
– Microwave and Refrigerator
– Cellular Phones, CB and Short-wave Radios

You can also get Family Units with several beds electronically connected and “equipped so that a parent or guardian can remotely operate the children’s units from their sleeper and be able to view and talk with them from the safety of the their unit.”

Let’s face it. You can’t put a price on security. The US has proved that with the Iraq War and taking off our shoes before getting on a plane. That stuff has cost trillions. In comparison the cost of the basic Quantum Bed is a pittance.



  1. #1 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    March 29, 2008

    Where is the ambien distribution device?

  2. #2 Dylan
    March 29, 2008

    Sounds like it will make an ideal coffin. If they attach wheels to it, a tow truck can just haul it right on down to the local cemetary.

  3. #3 blf
    March 29, 2008

    Mathis is probably having Pee Zed nightmares right now. If he (Mathis, that is) had one of these, he’d still be having Pee Zed nightmares, but at least would be safe from invading squids.

  4. #4 M. Randolph Kruger
    March 29, 2008

    Whats the sleep number on it and does Lindsay Wagner have one?

  5. #5 revere
    March 29, 2008

    Believe it or not (although it’s true) I once did an infomercial with Lindsay Wagner (not a bed, alas). Looks as good in person as on the tube. Of course a couple of decades ago we both looked better, but she seems to have weathered a bit better than I have. Unless it’s all make up and cosmetic surgery.

  6. #6 M. Randolph Kruger
    March 29, 2008

    Botox Revere, Botox…. They can make a goat look like Cary Grant now.

    Nicole Kidman had better stop soon though. She went around the corner the other day and killed a pedestrian with a flapping in the wind face muscle.

  7. #7 C. Porter
    March 29, 2008

    I would buy one if and only if I could also get a cardio-workout as I slept. The ad didn’t mention anything about calorie burning and if I am to out do chemical warfare, biological attacks, defend against bullets, and cook meals from the comfort of my own bed then I also need to look better than my assailants. America deserves no less.

  8. #8 scote
    March 29, 2008

    I think Dylan has this right. I’m not impressed by this thing’s Death Trap Technology.

  9. #9 natural cynic
    March 29, 2008

    Sounds just right for you and your toxic mattress.

  10. #10 birdflubreakingnews
    March 29, 2008

    Just cause you are paranoid, does not mean they are not after you!

  11. #11 Sara
    March 29, 2008

    If Tom Cruise hasn’t heard about this product, tell him immediately. He could order a gross for his compound in Colorado and help stimulate the economy at the same time.

  12. #12 victoria
    March 29, 2008

    If the advertising stipulated that botox lasted longer, the longer one slept on this bed, there would be a general stampede.

  13. #13 caia
    March 29, 2008

    See, but they’ve gone and advertised the features to the general public. So now we all know these defenses could be defeated with a can of black spray paint and a circuit breaker.

    Even if that were not the case, unless you’re like Duke Atreides and have legitimate reason to think you may be assassinated in your sleep, this is nothing but conspicuously insane consumption.

  14. #14 herman
    March 29, 2008

    Would you please get the US government to buy one of these beds for a 15 year old girl in Somalia, when a missile launched from a US warship, for the purpose of killing Hassan Turki, a Somali leader of an Islamist group, and a suspected terrorist.
    It was 3:25 a.m. on March 3 in Dobley, Somalia, when the missile hit, scattering shrapnel in a wide arc and piercing the thin wooden walls of Mohamed Nuuriye Salaadís house. Shrapnel sliced into Salaadís eldest daughter, 15-year-old Amina, tearing open the skin between her ear and mouth. Amina didnít receive medical care for days, not until she could be smuggled across the Kenyan border.Five others who were wounded tended to their injuries on their own.
    This kind of shit has to stop. What kind of government would allow this?
    And the terrorist escaped.

  15. #15 victoria
    March 29, 2008


    Of course, “this is nothing but conspicuously insane consumption”. If there are stupid, meglomaniacle (not sure that there is such a word, but it sounds good), vain, and stinking rich people out there, they will build it.

  16. #16 mara
    March 30, 2008

    Hmmmm, this gadget could be ideal for those nights when the old chap gets amorous and I’m not in the mood.How’s he going to pass the headache tablets through that?

  17. #17 Blake Stacey
    March 30, 2008

    I must admit, though, the local news here in Boston has been making paranoia sound like a moderately viable option.

  18. #18 APic
    April 1, 2008

    Say an intruder breaks into your house and you activate this $160,000, mains supplied security bed…What happens if the intruder unplugs it?

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