I love condoms.
They are a medical device that not only helps prevent pregnancy, but a whole host of sexually transmitted diseases. And, while STDs can vary from ‘dont know youre infected and doesnt have an effect on your health, really’ to ‘deadly’ to the adults that contract them, the spectrum can look very different for the babies who get infected with the exact same viruses.
Babies get exposed to all kinds of viruses and bacteria at birth (“HAPPY BIRFDAY!”). They get in the babies eyes, mouth, everywhere. Thats why we give HIV+ moms antivirals right before they give birth, so their viral load is low, so there is a lower risk of infecting baby as its born. Thats also why babies born to women having an active herpes outbreak are at a high risk of developing herpes encephalitis— ‘genital’ herpes gets in the babys eyes, goes straight to the brain, and all hell breaks loose. It is deadly. Not just an ’embarrassing’ STD.
WELL, turns out thats not a good angle either.
See, apparently Catholics dont need to worry about STDs. Apparently Pope John Paul II cures herpes. I am not joking. It is part of his ‘saint CV’ or whatever they call that stupid thing:
Jesse was just 10 days old in November 2009 when he was diagnosed with Herpes simplex, a virus often lethal to a newborn child. Doctors at Children’s National Medical Center in Washington, D.C., told his parents that he had no better than a 50 percent chance of surviving, and at most a 25 percent chance of living without severe brain damage.
As the Virginia boy waited for a possible liver transplant, his grandfather started praying to the late Pope John Paul II, who died in 2005 and will be beatified by Pope Benedict XVI on Sunday (May 1).
Practically at once, Jesse’s vital signs began to improve. He went off dialysis a few days later, and was released the following month with a clean bill of health, after what the specialist in charge called a recovery of unprecedented swiftness.
There you go, kids! HIV or HSV positive preggers mom? Who cares what those ‘doctors’ think about antiretrovirals and valtrex! ‘Modern medical advances’ had absolutely no hand in saving that kid! And certainly it wasnt a chance event! Luck and chance and randomness have no place in virology! No, only by the grace of TEH POPE could ANYONE reasonably expect to be saved!
And really, this isnt just about one case. This is, overall, a really responsible message to the public from Catholocism: Dont wear condoms, just pray the STDs away!
Oh, and congrats, Jesse from Virginia whos birthday is November 2009! Now everyone on the planet knows that your mom has herpes! Im sure that will make your middle and high school years really fun!