Theres something Ive always wondered, in a stupid way, about viruses. Like a sloven Creationist musing “IF EVILUTION IS RAEL, Y NO HUMANS HAS WINGZ???”, Ive often wondered “IF EVILUTION IS RAEL, Y NO VIRUSES MAEK US SEXAH??”
In my defense, I always wonder this while Im in the throes if a terrible cold or mono.
But for real! Viruses make us SO GROSS! Sneezing, oozing and dripping from every orifice, puking, pooping, changing colors/acquiring spots, itchy, GROSS. Maybe we only think these effects are gross because we instinctively associate them with disease thus gross, but why are there no viruses that spread because they make their host absolutely irresistible? Viruses that make your hair shiny or make you smell awesome (lol) or make you grow four inches? I guess some viruses do help you lose weight…
Anyway, what I long for biologically has apparently been created in silico. Supposedly, a disgruntled ex-employee of the dating website ‘Beautiful People’ unleashed a virus that made normies more beautiful:
The virus was quickly named Shrek – after the animated film about how looks should not matter – as it attacked the software used to screen potential members. A helpline has now been set up with counsellors on hand to help the distressed rejects from the site.
“We have to stick to our founding principles of only accepting beautiful people – that’s what our members have paid for,” said Greg Hodge, managing director of BeautifulPeople.com. “We can’t just sweep 30,000 ugly people under the carpet.”
Hodge reckoned the Shrek virus – which may have been posted by a disgruntled former employee – had affected the software that existing members use to rate prospective new entrants, allowing anyone to join. The website boasts that “beauty lies in the eyes of the voter” who are able to rank aspiring members on a type of traffic light scale where red is “absolutely not” and bright green is “beautiful”. The site posts applicants’ photographs alongside information about their weight and height and ask candidates to describe their “body type” as well as whether they own a car or home along with their zodiac sign.
“We got suspicious when tens of thousands of new members were accepted over a six-week period, many of whom were no oil painting,” Hodge told the Guardian.
I dont think ‘the Shrek virus’ was necessarily created by a disgruntled former employee. It could have been created by anyone in possession of a normally functioning human soul. Not that anyone applying for that site like that is worthy of such a nicety, but still, I appreciate the spirit of the virus and the lulz it created.