Revolutionary new science project from Dr. Oz

Wow.

WOOOOW.

You know, people should be legally forbidden from saying “Dr. Oz cant drop any lower than this!”

Pimping snake-oil salesmen? CHECK!

Taking ‘creative liberties’ editing the comments of scientists on his show? CHECK!

Playing ‘scientist’ with rock-stars just to get his face in the media? CHECK!

Constant, apparently pathological fear mongering? CHECK!

Just read anything about ‘Dr. Oz’ at Oracs place.

Do you all want to know what hes done now?

Do you *really* want to know?

The sexiest woman alive, Dr. Mehmet Oz has teamed up with the second most sexiest woman alive, Dr. Michael Roizen, to make a site *dedicated*, *dedicated* to feeding womens insecurity about their looks.

YouBeauty.com
The Science of a Beautiful You

… What the FUCK?!?!?!

Its okay, you can go puke. This post will still be here when you get back.

*waits for you to go puke*

Because when I want make-up advice, the first person I go to is Dr. Mehmet Oz.

Because when I want hair styling tips, the first person I got to is Dr. Mehmet Oz.

Because when I want fashion advice, the first person I go to is Dr. Mehmet Oz (they dont even have him in a suit for the site. He is in the crime against nature, scrubs).

For fucks sake, HE ISNT EVEN GAY.

WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE MAKE DR. MEHMET OZ A WEBSITE FOR FEMALE BEAUTY/FASHION???

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON????

Oh wait, wait, wait! Dr. Oz is involved with a project like this because, like all of Dr. Ozs projects, is SCIENCE BASED! SCIENCE based on the classic scientific protocol of “Cosmo Quizzes“!

Healthy Hair Quiz
How are we measuring it?
Using a scale created by YouBeauty. All questions are based on known science and written in collaboration with our experts.

Well, I dunno about you, but I HAD to know whether my hair is healthy or not according to Dr. Oz. So I registered (handle: drozisadick) and took this test.

A list of generic questions “How often do you use a flat-iron?” “Do you color treat your hair?” and finally I was ready for my results!

*blank page*

*we are talking white page, not even an error page*

WOW! THANKS DR. OZ!

Well what else can I learn SCIENTIFICALLY about beauty from Dr. Oz?

Oh, you can upload pics and MAGICALLY see what you would look like if you were perfectly symmetrical and NOT an asymmetrical troll.

You can also upload a pic and SCIENTIFICALLY understand what a monstrous real-life Pablo Picasso painting you really are (lol you might not be DaVincis ‘artistic ideal’, but Picasso would love you!) and what celebrity you look like!

LOL, ‘science’, you so crazy!

If that werent enough SCIENCE to scare off most stupid girlz, you can also learn how to ‘Eat Pretty‘ and learn how to ‘exercise for your body type‘!

Real quote from the ‘body type’ quiz:

Measurements of Low hip (the largest point on your hips, about mid-booty)

I will say, I am impressed to see how Dr. Oz didnt ‘dumb anything down’ here. Most people casually refer to their hips as ‘hips’, where as the scientific term is actually ‘booty’.

The good news is, I did get the ‘body type’ quiz to work, and now I have SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE I am ridiculously hot:

Your Shape
You have the classic pinup figure–a feminine hourglass with a whittled waist and smooth contours.
Your Health
Shapely curves signal higher levels of estrogen, which promotes fertility. Wider hips protect from heart disease and boost the chances of living longer. An ample bust is also shown to boost health.
Your Beauty
Humans are hard-wired to find your figure attractive, from way back in caveman times. An hourglass body shape, which stores fat in the hips and thighs, suggests that you can maintain a pregnancy and produce healthy children.

Men are powerless against my ‘ample bust’ and ability to ‘maintain a pregnancy’. Its SCIENCE ‘way back from caveman times’!! And why would anyone even think about providing women with some type of judgment about their bodies that implied women were sometimes attracted to other women. Theres no SCIENCE for that from caveman times!

*GIGGLE!!!*

*FLIPS-HAIR*

*blink*

OH MY GOD, DR. OZ.

FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR ATTENTION WHORE ASS.

Not everything on that site is bad, though. I do actually agree to this random ‘tip’ from Dr. Oz:

You Docs’ #1 Step:

Avoid diet soda!

I do avoid diet pop. I like the taste of HFCS pop, so thats what I drink, in moderation. There is no reason to deprive yourself of things you like– you just need to drink *a* Mountain Dew every down and then, not two Route 44 Mountain Dews every day. When you know you can have *one* whenever you want, you dont feel the need to binge. Not a big deal. Oh wait, thats not what Dr. Oz meant. He wasnt actually giving responsible, realistic advice. Hes just giving cliche ‘I know nothing about diet or fitness’ sound-bites:

You Docs’ #1 Step:

Avoid diet soda! Diet soda might seem waist-friendly, but fake sugars can actually make you gain weight! To keep your metabolism up to speed, go for water, tea or seltzer instead.

Yeah. Gotta keep ‘your metabolism up to speed’ with ‘seltzer’, people. MMMM. SELTZER.

*shudder*

Gonna need some seltzer to rinse my mouth out after puking all afternoon reading this shit.

For fucks sake…

Comments

  1. #1 John C. Welch
    September 25, 2011

    Well, he can’t recommend juice. OMG ARSENIC!!!!!

    whadda dipshit.

  2. #2 qetzal
    September 25, 2011

    Wider hips protect from heart disease and boost the chances of living longer.

    Huh. I coulda sworn obese people were at much greater risk of heart disease and premature death. But they tend to have pretty wide hips, so I guess I must be wrong.

    You know, people should be legally forbidden from saying “Dr. Oz cant drop any lower than this!”

    I agree. It’s almost like Oz takes it as a personal challenge. “Oh, you think that’s as low as I can go? Wait’ll you see this!

  3. #3 Justicar
    September 25, 2011

    Oh, I see. You just couldn’t write one post without throwing a dig at me at the end!

    *cries*

    And don’t start me talking about puking. Ugh. It has NOT been a good weekend.

  4. #4 Scented Nectar
    September 25, 2011

    Was going to do the hair quiz, but they wanted me to sign in. So, I went straight for the barfing instead. Do you have any extra seltzer? :D

  5. #5 Stephen Bahl
    September 25, 2011

    What the hell is a fake sugar?

  6. #6 ERV
    September 25, 2011

    Its a scientific term for “No really, Cosmo interns made this entire website”.

  7. #7 ERV
    September 25, 2011

    OH MY GOD:

    Pssst. Rumor has it, women gossip for good reason, and it’s not just to get the latest on that torrid love affair.

    Male inattentiveness isn’t the only reason women tend to talk more than men. It’s because women crave more serotonin and oxytocin, feel-good brain chemicals that surge when we communicate with other people. This means gossiping can actually be good for your body (assuming you’re not the one everyone’s clucking on about), and the rumor mill has a real biological purpose. It also explains why women speak about 20,000 words during an average day, while men mutter about 7,000 tops. Here’s lookin’ at you, Gossip Girl.

    SCIENCE!!

  8. #8 Prometheus
    September 25, 2011

    I just had grilled salmon with bearnaise, rice pilaf and an artichoke.

    Salmon is a “beauty food”.

    I’m just sitting here being pretty….caveman pretty.

    Dark chocolate is also a “beauty food”.

    There is a big bunt cake on the sideboard I have been eyeing since yesterday.

    Since the nutrition page says moderation is a lie I am going to bury my face in that cake when The Bride goes to sleep.

    I am going to be gorgeous!

    Thanks Dr. Oz!

  9. #9 Justicar
    September 25, 2011

    while men mutter about 7,000 tops.

    John C. Welch is like totally above average then.

    Since the nutrition page says moderation is a lie I am going to bury my face in that cake when The Bride goes to sleep.

    I am sure one of the feministas will take offense at that.

    “No really, Cosmo interns made this entire website”

    There was once a comedian named Jay Hickman who had a line or two about Cosmo. It’s a women’s magazine that’s 366 pages long. 365 of them why they shouldn’t fuck you. 366 is the index.

    I was amused.

  10. #10 John C. Welch
    September 26, 2011

    Shit, I break 7000 bitching about “where’s my coffee” every morning.

    Language: Wallow in it.

  11. #11 Peter
    September 26, 2011

    Pff, I say more than 7000 words in my sleep.

  12. #12 Aj
    September 26, 2011

    Such unnecessary derision.

    It’s like you’ve never even heard of pretty girl science before.

    Dean: He’s all inside out.

    Dr Venture: Dean, Dean, Dean. You’re supposed to be the smart one. You know your father would never turn Scamp inside out. I’ve simply removed all of his skin.

    Dean: Jeepers.

    DrV: Scamp’s an integral part of some groundbreaking research I’m doing for a major cosmetics corporation. Ya see, their test animals are always expiring before they can finish performing all their super-important makeup experiments on them, so your father’s perfecting a way of keeping them alive – longer.

    Hank: But, pop…

    DrV: Hank! You like pretty girls, don’t you?

    Hank & Dean: AND HOW!

    DrV: Well, pretty girls need cosmetics – how do ya think they get so pretty? So the next time you see an attractive young lady – and you’re sure to see plenty in New York City – you just think of old Scamp over there and all he’s done for pretty girl science.

  13. #13 Corkscrew
    September 26, 2011

    fake sugars can actually make you gain weight

    Is there any shred of truth in this? A brief google session suggests “no”, but I’d be interested to hear from anyone who actually has a clue.

  14. #14 Prometheus
    September 26, 2011

    Corkscrew@#13

    “fake sugars can actually make you gain weight”

    “Is there any shred of truth in this? A brief google session suggests “no”, but I’d be interested to hear from anyone who actually has a clue.”

    This claim is based on a Purdue psych department rat study from 2008.

    It might be the case if you don’t calorie count.

    When you give rats no cal substitute they eat a caloric payload to match table sugar’s caloric payload on the Brix scale for similar sweetness.

    Normally sweet=calorie count, when that doesn’t happen, the rats will calorie bulk to make up for the discrepancy.

    They tried, for a while, to make the claim that HFCS were doing this to people but unless you are using HFCS 90 it dosen’t make sense (most common HFCS is HFCS 55, dead on with sugar).

    People(unlike rats) who use sugar substitutes are more likely to be counting their fat and carb intake as well as worrying over their burn rate since they are not lying around in small cages lined with ALPHA-Dri.

    So if you happen to have the brain of a rat and happen to be trapped in a bakery and you happen to use Equal in your coffee, you might eat an extra bagel to make up for the neuro trickery and may become fat…or not.

    It is an irresponsible statement made by a celebrity cardiac surgeon based on a three year old rodent psychology study.

    Horrible site.

    The site founder claims promiscuity is good for your hair.

    ick.