You know, people should be legally forbidden from saying “Dr. Oz cant drop any lower than this!”
Pimping snake-oil salesmen? CHECK!
Do you all want to know what hes done now?
Do you *really* want to know?
The sexiest woman alive, Dr. Mehmet Oz has teamed up with the second most sexiest woman alive, Dr. Michael Roizen, to make a site *dedicated*, *dedicated* to feeding womens insecurity about their looks.
The Science of a Beautiful You
… What the FUCK?!?!?!
Its okay, you can go puke. This post will still be here when you get back.
*waits for you to go puke*
Because when I want make-up advice, the first person I go to is Dr. Mehmet Oz.
Because when I want hair styling tips, the first person I got to is Dr. Mehmet Oz.
Because when I want fashion advice, the first person I go to is Dr. Mehmet Oz (they dont even have him in a suit for the site. He is in the crime against nature, scrubs).
For fucks sake, HE ISNT EVEN GAY.
WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE MAKE DR. MEHMET OZ A WEBSITE FOR FEMALE BEAUTY/FASHION???
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON????
Oh wait, wait, wait! Dr. Oz is involved with a project like this because, like all of Dr. Ozs projects, is SCIENCE BASED! SCIENCE based on the classic scientific protocol of “Cosmo Quizzes“!
Healthy Hair Quiz
How are we measuring it?
Using a scale created by YouBeauty. All questions are based on known science and written in collaboration with our experts.
Well, I dunno about you, but I HAD to know whether my hair is healthy or not according to Dr. Oz. So I registered (handle: drozisadick) and took this test.
A list of generic questions “How often do you use a flat-iron?” “Do you color treat your hair?” and finally I was ready for my results!
*we are talking white page, not even an error page*
WOW! THANKS DR. OZ!
Well what else can I learn SCIENTIFICALLY about beauty from Dr. Oz?
Oh, you can upload pics and MAGICALLY see what you would look like if you were perfectly symmetrical and NOT an asymmetrical troll.
You can also upload a pic and SCIENTIFICALLY understand what a monstrous real-life Pablo Picasso painting you really are (lol you might not be DaVincis ‘artistic ideal’, but Picasso would love you!) and what celebrity you look like!
LOL, ‘science’, you so crazy!
Real quote from the ‘body type’ quiz:
Measurements of Low hip (the largest point on your hips, about mid-booty)
I will say, I am impressed to see how Dr. Oz didnt ‘dumb anything down’ here. Most people casually refer to their hips as ‘hips’, where as the scientific term is actually ‘booty’.
The good news is, I did get the ‘body type’ quiz to work, and now I have SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE I am ridiculously hot:
You have the classic pinup figure–a feminine hourglass with a whittled waist and smooth contours.
Shapely curves signal higher levels of estrogen, which promotes fertility. Wider hips protect from heart disease and boost the chances of living longer. An ample bust is also shown to boost health.
Humans are hard-wired to find your figure attractive, from way back in caveman times. An hourglass body shape, which stores fat in the hips and thighs, suggests that you can maintain a pregnancy and produce healthy children.
Men are powerless against my ‘ample bust’ and ability to ‘maintain a pregnancy’. Its SCIENCE ‘way back from caveman times’!! And why would anyone even think about providing women with some type of judgment about their bodies that implied women were sometimes attracted to other women. Theres no SCIENCE for that from caveman times!
OH MY GOD, DR. OZ.
FUCK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR ATTENTION WHORE ASS.
Not everything on that site is bad, though. I do actually agree to this random ‘tip’ from Dr. Oz:
You Docs’ #1 Step:
Avoid diet soda!
I do avoid diet pop. I like the taste of HFCS pop, so thats what I drink, in moderation. There is no reason to deprive yourself of things you like– you just need to drink *a* Mountain Dew every down and then, not two Route 44 Mountain Dews every day. When you know you can have *one* whenever you want, you dont feel the need to binge. Not a big deal. Oh wait, thats not what Dr. Oz meant. He wasnt actually giving responsible, realistic advice. Hes just giving cliche ‘I know nothing about diet or fitness’ sound-bites:
You Docs’ #1 Step:
Avoid diet soda! Diet soda might seem waist-friendly, but fake sugars can actually make you gain weight! To keep your metabolism up to speed, go for water, tea or seltzer instead.
Yeah. Gotta keep ‘your metabolism up to speed’ with ‘seltzer’, people. MMMM. SELTZER.
Gonna need some seltzer to rinse my mouth out after puking all afternoon reading this shit.
For fucks sake…