This morning, younger offspring asked me what “hyperbolic” meant. (Yeah, I’ll admit that this is because I used it in conversation with younger offspring. It was not a conversation about conic sections or trigonometry, though, so cut me some slack.)

Anyway, long story short, I now have a product I totally need to market, even though it’ll probably result in Orac lambasting me in his “Friday Dose of Woo” feature:

I want to sell hyperbolic chambers. (Not hypobaric chambers, hyperbolic chambers.) The obvious buyers would be hospitals and medical centers that specialize in the treatment of hypochondria.

For treatment of hypochondria, the patient simply spends an hour lying in the hyperbolic chamber, and within moments [1] experiences total relief [2] of all the symptoms [3] of hypochondria. And, the relief will last, on average, for at least a year [4]. This has been established with several double-blind clinical trials [5].

The hyperbolic chamber is extremely affordable [6], and once you’ve placed an order, I can have one delivered to your hospital or medical center in mere days [7].

Anyone want to help me get this going?

——
[1] 40-60 minutes

[2] some relief

[3] one or two symptoms

[4] for the time it takes to drive home from the doctor’s

[5] we think it will be established if we can actually get some trials up and running

[6] $1 million, cash preferred

[7] 200 to 400 business days