Department of poetic justice.

The rat gets the pellet after pressing the lever, not before. Sheesh. What is basic science education in this country coming to?

*Sigh*

The paycheck comes through the university, which means there's no easy way for the "boss" from whom the grading working comes (i.e., me) to stop the paychecks. I'm the first to admit that this is suboptimal.

In the meantime, since you're supposed to be helping me with my revenge fantasies: it it a poison pellet?

Assuming that your grader is a student, is there a way to block his graduation until he pays back what he essentially stole? I've heard that graduation can be blocked at SJSU for failure to pay parking tickets. Why not unearned "salary"?

He could always end up like Judas: tearfully throwing his check down on the University steps and rushing off in tormenting angst to find a tree-strewn field...

Sorry to hear about the great lameness. I suppose someone's not getting a letter of recommendation from a certain prof.

It's December of next year and grader needs recommendations for grad school. He had it planned out to get three letters from other colleagues, but now one is on sabbatical where e-mail is not an option and another has a personal emergency making him unavailable. Grader has no other option but to ask you for a recommendation and on the form you notice that he's checked the box requesting a teaching assistantship...

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits.

If they're a grad student, why not drop a word with the person in charge of assigning graders/TAs?

Assuming that your school gives something like the package where I work (salary + tuition waiver), losing any future chance to teach would be a solid blow in itself.

Talk to the school's bursar and ask if you can charge a consulting fee or some other fee... then hire a competent person...

I suppose someone's not getting a letter of recommendation from a certain prof.

Oh, no. Janet should offer to write a letter of recommendation for the chap. You know, no hard feelings, it happens to everyone at least once, yada yada. And then, really lambaste the guy. He literally wouldn't know what hit him.

Okay, I'm not really suggesting that--this is just a revenge fantasy, right? I actually wouldn't be too hard on the person. He may be having some personal problems, cycling through a depressive episode, etc.

Sue him for the pay. Yep, painful and expensive on your side - but if you really want to hurt him...

Assuming you are allowed to file some sort of grade-change forms, give all your students F's for that part of the course, but give each student in that course his email address and phone number.

He will not only have grades for you within a couple days, but you will get the pleasure of subjecting him to undergraduate whining and anger (hopefully with a few parents getting involved.)

Since we're talking about fantasy here...

Buy him a gift. A wren basilisk is fairly cheap. But a wren basilisk with Myer's Paralyzing Stare Syndrome. Such basilisks suffer from intermittent episodes where they freeze and stare at a subject with intent to paralyze. Whoever gets their attention is paralyzed. Since the wren basilisks hunt flying insect mostly, their paralyzing stare works fast, is very strong, but doesn't last long. Your grader starts, in effect, to black out for up to 15" at odd moments several times a day. If that don't drive him up the wall... :)

In reality land I have no idea. Sorry.

I agree that you should talk to the person in charge of TA assignments. One of my coworkers this semester got burned (or so it seems) by slacking off the entire semester while working *for* the person who does TA assignments. Without going into too much detail about how he created more work for everyone around him, he certainly deserved to not have his contract renewed.

I know when you've been bad or good so be good for goodness' sake.

(Really, didn't the Sprogs mention this to you?)

Yes, the Xian tradition demands the gift of coal for Xmas. Coal, and an anonymous phone call to Al Gore's cis-lunar global warming police. :) Because it is more blessed to give than to recieve, and likewise confession is good for the soul.

Santamonkey,

I'm sure they did, but you don't have the attention span of a four year old. And besides, you tend to reward bad children depending on how creative they are.

Wait a second -- he's SALARIED as a grader? Unlike, say, other graders of the past (ahem) who dutifully put their time in the system each week?

If he's hourly and puts the time in the system and has gotten paid -- for things he _didn't_ do -- then I think that's some sort of actual legal no-no and you wouldn't have to do anything except call him on it.

But if he's salaried, well, that's not cool.

Non-Fantasy: First, verify that the grader hasn't actually gotten hit by a truck or something. If he's been hit by some lesser problem -- especially a holiday-related crisis -- well, that's where his original lateness bears its bitter fruit. A thought: he may be incommunicado because he's trying to crank out weeks worth of grades in a personal death-march -- which may or may not be possible....

In any case, as prior commenters note, you'll certainly get some chance to take it out of his hide afterwards.

Fantasies:

Send every affected student knocking on his door -- spaced out over the entire 72-odd hours between now and your own deadline.

A singing-clown telegram detailing his failures and likely future to his entire dorm.

If your campus still has pigeons about, spray him with pigeon pheromones.

Consult with the biology department for something to leave in his bed. Heck, a frozen turkey would make the point. Bonus points for getting it there while he's using the bed -- a catapult might help.

Currently, my rage is impeding my powers of imagination. I am hoping, therefore, that my dear readers can provide suggestions of fitting fates for my unhelpful helper.

Thanks in advance.

Fax them an affidavit to sign saying ti was all their fault so you can hire someone else to do it while you leave on time and get reimbursed when you get back.
Dave Briggs :~)

Unless you stipulated in in your syllabus at the beginning of the semester that the students' grades were subject to the output of your grader, in the end, you as the professor are responsible for making sure that work is graded.

Suing the kid to get his paycheck back is not an easy option since you didn't pay him directly with your personal money. I'm assuming you'd have to get the school involved (whoever handles your contract money) for any breach of contact action.

Does the grader have a MySpace of Facebook page? You can try to track him that way. If he still doesn't respond, you could just trash him on his page and ask all of his friends to bug him until he finishes the work. Or Photoshop his face on a sad picture of Britney Spears and post it.

In the meantime, since you're supposed to be helping me with my revenge fantasies: it it a poison pellet?

Naw, not funny enough. A pellet with an infusion of explosive-diarrhea-inducing bacteria, now that's funny, and satisfying. Or you could volunteer him as a tester recipient for fecal transplants.

And from my experience with University Bursars, aren't they kind of like Ring-Wraiths, except for students' money? I'm sure you could sic them on him to demand his pay back, especially if it is in writing that he was supposed to fulfill certain duties and to have some line of communication available to you.

Any chance he fell off the face of the earth and couldn't get up again? (ie: serious accident, illness)

As a grad student, our TA positions were salaried. Of course, if he/she/it is a graduate student, I'm sure an interesting talk with the advisor might be in order, which might lead to further talks with said student (Advisor: what exactly were you doing this semester? Student: being a grader. Advisor: Then why exactly weren't you grading? Student: Ur, um...out?). That would probably at least minimize future problems, though this does assume that the advisor cares.

If he/she/it is an undergraduate, you might remember this come recommendation time, while forwarding a note to whoever hires graders to throw this one back. If the transgression is egregious enough, you might be able to get the Bursar's Office to unleash the Nazgul on said student.

Am I the only one who wonders if this is an appropriate discussion for a public blog? You don't yet know why this person is AWOL...

The grader emailed this morning. He was laying low because he hadn't done the work he was supposed to do on the schedule he had agreed to. Again.

If he is a graduate student, he has probably already received his poetic justice, in the form of being a graduate student.

I'm sure you have been very good all semester and Santa is bringing you presents rather than coal, but possibly you have accidentally meted out something poetic-justice-worthy to another blogger, who has posted this sort of post and decided - and influenced the Karmic forces to decide - that the proper justice for you would be that your grader flake out at the last minute, screwing up your holiday plans...

"He was laying low because he hadn't done the work he was supposed to do on the schedule he had agreed to. Again."

When exactly did kids stop watching After School Specials? Don't we know that compounding irresponsible behavior with MORE irresponsible behavior only makes the situation worse? This lesson's been covered ad infinitum on various episodes of the "The Brady Bunch", "Webster", "Full House", etc...

Ok, I think I'm going to butt in here and point out that maybe, it's worth being sure that there's not a good reason for his behavior... especially if he was usually considered responsible before. Maybe he's just your standard issue pain the in a-- grad student, or maybe he's coping with something big. Because what's he's doing is usually only 1. a total slacker with no consideration, or 2. a person who is trying to cope with something big and getting sucked under.

I've been sidelined with illness and I've seen others in ome bad situations over the years, and rather than being treated with compassion I/them were kicked in the balls. I was always a hard worker but sometimes things can get too big for a person.

I'm just sayin'.

Is there any way to attach a note as to his nonfeasance to his academic transcript?

1. Sue him in small claims, and then go on People's Court or Judge Judy and let Judy or Marilyn rip him a new one on national TV.

2. Give him Clostridium difficile infection, and you be a donor for his fecal transplant:

http://scienceblogs.com/aetiology/2007/12/fecal_transplants_to_cure_clo…

Simple solution (and I'm serious about this): email your students and tell them they should call him to get their grades on their final papers or whatever it is he holds. Give them his contact info. You might even give his home address if it's anywhere near campus and tell them to drop by their to get their homework, as he hasn't had a chance to get it to you yet.