An open letter.

Umm, yeah. You do realise that all the tasty food plants are weeds, right? That the reason they were so amenable to our needs for annual crops that put almost all of their energy into reproduction was because they were weeds? And for that matter, the taste of lemon balm and mint probably are defensive compounds?

Oh, and by the way - loved the post. :)

Watch out for that lemon balm, Janet! Perhaps the species is better-behaved out on the West Coast, but here in the Midwest it spreads virulently, like many Eurasian Mint Family species do.

I prefer the native mints in the genus Pycnanthemum. They are pleasantly aromatic, they are useful for tea, and don't spread as the aliens tend to.

You must not have the green onion + garlic chives issues that I do. Don't get me wrong, I like those foods. But when they invade the entire backyard, crowd out everything else, and it seems like there's 30 new plants a day, yep, they're just like other weeds.

Very many garden weeds are perfectly edible AND tasty, at least in temperate climates. Especially during the period from March to June. When regularly cut, and growing in the shade, even longer. Think of nettles (uritica), garlic mustard (alliaria), french spinach (Atriplex hortensis) and dandelion leaves (Taraxacum officinale). Very tasty when cut and added to stew, rice or mashed potatoes, only just before turning off the heat.
When going to a different climate or continent for a few months, for a field assignment or so, it pays to learn something about edible and dangerous plants. Try to make friends with a local farmer, herbalist or witch doctor. Apart from getting a very detailed record of what happened in the landscape and history (my graduate mangrove research in Surinam did benefit a lot from knowing the past 40 year history of coastal changes and land use), I learned many wild edible plants and fruits, some fishing techniques, and of course a lot of the local culture, including superstition, but also for example, we had interesting discussions, like about what the Obama presidency would mean!. They were very happy to see Google Earth printouts of their area (which I used as field maps).

Dr. Freeride,

Thank you for your letter re: weeds. Unfortunately, the subjects do not fall under my jurisdiction, so I have taken the liberty to pass it on to the Intelligent Designer, with whom you should take up any further communications, using one of His many outlets in your region (open Sundays, times may vary).

I sincerely thank you for your interest in our work. Do not hesitate to contact me in the future if you have any further questions.

Yours,

Natural Selection, or the Preserver of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life.

Dear Dr Free-Ride,

Thank you for your very kind letter. All of us (Physics, Chemistry, â¦) are pleased you admire the billions and billions of years of careful planning and experimentation which has result in all those plants. And bugs. And birds. And slugs. And bugs. And even more bugs. (I happen to like bugs, Ok? I can do without cats, but then Genetics gets real snitty and the strawberry crop fails, so⦠cats. Win some, loose some.)

However, your literal suggestion for everything to be either mint or lemon balm is unsustainable. As a scientist you should realize that. And why no strawberrys? What do you have against strawberrys?

Of course, you were writing metaphorically. You want to be able to eat all the plants. Well, you can. Some won't taste good, true, and some will kill you, but nothing's actually stopping you from eating them. Except, of course, if the plants, you, or both were previously eaten by the slugs and snails.

I'm disappointed you don't drink mojitos every night. You don't sound like any fun at all⦠though I did get a laugh at your attempt to teach a snail to fly. That was so funny I think I'll name my next bug after you. How does Periplaneta freeride sound?

I'm not gloating. The hives are a hint. Loosen up; don't be so upset at the plants trying to eat you. I mean, you want to eat them. It's all life. Now, please, go have a mojito on me. Two, even.

Evolvingly yours,

Natural Selection

p.s. Thanks for not mentioning the platypus. I mean, I was trying for a four-legged submersible duck, but I think I had too many mojitos that day. Bugs are more fun to do anyways.

Along those same lines . . .

You know, we've had Dutch Elm Disease, Chestnut Blight, Emerald Ash Borer, the Hemlock Woolly Adelgid, zebra mussel infestations, etc., etc., etc..

Why they heck couldn't we get a Poison Ivy Blight? Now that's something I could get behind (and I'm pretty sure the ecological niche would be adequately filled by Virginia Creeper).

Poke Salid anyone? I see you are using the I-did-not-plant-it-therefore-it-is-a-weed definition.

There are a number of plants I didn't plant in the back yard. These include roses and cala lilies (which are not weeds), mint and lemon balm (which certainly act like weeds from the point of view of their spread and their ability to withstand challenging conditions), and violets (which seem to fall somewhere in between).

If I had planted the mint? I'd still probably consider it a weed (although a welcome one). I did plant some lemon thyme as ground cover, and it's trying hard to be weedy.

My objection is primarily to the non-tasty, fast-growing, spiky, hive-inducing plants, no matter how they got there. If all weeds were as well behaved as mint and lemon balm, I wouldn't be writing letters complaining to Natural Selection!

I like dandelions. Edible, pretty flowers, fun for small children, no thorns, grow easily. I don't understand why I'm supposed to dig them up.

Kim - you dig the dandelions up to increase their numbers. Since it's practically impossible to remove every last bit of root, new plants are bound to sprout from the escapees. Like you, I'm fond of dandelions. Mark Bittman has a terrific recipe for dandelion greens and potatoes, and I stew the greens with mild onion, sweet red pepper, stock, and white wine for an awesome stew to go with pasta.

As my ecology professors have so often reminded me, a weed is just a plant that is growing where you don't want it to.

a weed is just a normal plant in the wrong place.

Dear Disturber of nature,

Weeds are plants adapted to disturbance. Weeds hardly stood a chance until humans became a force of nature and began systematically disturbing communities for our own purposes. Agriculture is one big ecological disturbance and I won't comment again on the ecology of lawns. Weeds abound because human activities have given them so many opportunities. So put the blame where it belongs.

Before dandelions bloom, you can pick the leaves and use them in salad. They are bitter, like endive, only more so. So you can add just a few to a regular salad. Or you can use all dandelion, I recommend a very strong dressing, such as salt and a dressing that's mostly vinegar or balsamic vinegar.

If you make mashed potatoes you can throw in a couple of handfuls of cleaned dandelion leaves for a very nice "bubble & squeak." Using cabbage pales by comparison.

After the dandelions bloom the leaves are tougher and more bitter.

Re: plants I planted but think of as weeds -- one word: horseradish
Something about an incident with a rototiller ...