Darwin Does Indeed Sell Out


We are merely (a) day(s) away from the game between Corporate and Darwin (we’re not sure whether the game will happen tomorrow or the next day due to some scheduling conflicts at Ivory Tower Arena), and the Corporate team has made a stunning revelation: Darwin did it for the money, not the love of the game. This is quite a surprising turn of events. Chuck D was financial secure for his entire life, and it was long thought that his pursuit of science came from a quest to understand the world around him.

Not so fast, says Corporate team spokesman B. Roe Crat. The Corporate squad has turned up new evidence indicating that Darwin’s world wide tour aboard the Beagle was sponsored by Edward’s Fine Frock Coat Emporium. As part of the deal, Darwin was required to wear only frock coat’s from Edward’s and, when asked questions by anyone he encountered, to proclaim his admiration for the fine seamstresses and tailors at Edward’s Emporium. Additionally, the Corporate team has revealed the real reason Darwin spent so much time publishing books about barnacles — he was getting money from Sir Cecil’s House of Cirripeds. Some say Sir Cecil’s success stemmed straight from Darwin’s comprehensive descriptions of all those damn little clingy things on the bottom of your boat.

How will this affect the outcome of the upcoming game? We can only speculate, but it’s not clear whether Darwin the corporate shill is any less a formidable opponent than Darwin the scientist. Furthermore, by aligning himself more with the Corporate game plan, Darwin may become an even tougher match up for the big business boys.


  1. #1 J-Dog
    April 3, 2007

    You conveniently “forgot” one of Darwin’s earliest and best sponsors: Buffalo Bill’s Bombastic Bushy Beards, Ltd. The Daugeratype Campaign featuring Darwin with Lady Anna Nicolle Smythe running her hands through his beard, was quite stimulating and led to not a few ladies suffering from “the vapours” upon viewing them.

  2. #2 RPM
    April 3, 2007

    J-Dog, Chuck D didn’t get the beard sponsorship until later in life. He would have made a god-awful spokesman during his Beagle days considering he did not sport very impressive facial hair.

  3. #3 J-Dog
    April 3, 2007

    Yes, I believe that the Beard Lobby Boyz, notorious for the pressure they could bring to bear upon the beard-free, were instrumental in Darwin later joining the “Beard Club For Men”. Who can blame Darwin for caving to the pressure that the shadowy and sinister Mr. K. Rove, “Not Only The President, But A Member” was able to generate upon the beardless boy Darwin?

    Indeed, there are some, that to this day, insist that an early rough draft of Darwin’s opus was entitled, On The Origen Of Facial Hair.

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