Manatees

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Category archives for Manatees

Giant Squids, Other Squids, and Manatees

Dr. Doris Haggis-on-Whey and her husband Benny, as part of their H-O-W series of books, have produced an absolutely dispensable piece of misinformation, the third in a series of we can only hope not too many, ineloquently titled Animals of the Ocean: In Particular the Giant Squid. They claim that their World of Unbelievable Brilliance…

Culling a Threat to Our Liberty

Manatees may be reclassified as threatened; they are currently listed as endangered. Any good patriot will recognize this as a smart move to defend our safety. If we can stop them before they reach the northeast United States, some of us may be able to maintain our way of life. Shelley disagrees. She thinks the…

URGENT: We have a new update from the War Against Manatees. The Bad Reporter has a dispatch from the great manatee migration. While the enviro-terrorists are claiming global warming is to blame, we patriots know what’s up. It’s not warm northern waters that are drawing the sea cows north. They’re out to undermine our way…

Manatee Genomics

We’ve told you about the manatees making their move from the southeastern United States to the northeast. We warned you that the sea cows ain’t as dumb as you thought they were. We took you inside their training camps. We showed you the future of the manatees. But now, thanks to a patriotic group of…

I Warned You About the Manatees!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. We have irrefutable evidence that the manatees are attacking. We’re only now gaining insights into their advance technology. Only a week ago did I say to Sandy: And I’m obsessed with manatees, not chimeras. That is, unless the matatees devise some sort of manatee/lobster chimera. That would really freak…

Jacob appears to be an enemy combatant in the War on ManateesTM. They are attacking the Northeast United States via our inland waterways. Jacob, who lives west of the continental divide, is safe from the attack. Many of us are not so lucky. Quit being such an enabler, Jacob. evolgen special feature: We have obtained…

Manatees Aren’t Dumb

They just act stoned. As Dean Wormer would tell you, “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.” We can rule out that manatees are drunk — although alcohol run off from Panama City Beach may bump the Gulf of Mexico up to 10 proof, that’s hardly enough liquor to get a…

They Live . . . in the North

No ocean, river, or fjord is safe. The manatees are attacking. We’ve warned you before. Now is the time to take notice. Three times is a trend.

Manatees Invade the Northeast

Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, but three times is a trend. The manatee in the Hudson River was an accident — the Christopher Columbus of manatees if you will. The manatee in Rhode Island is a coincidence. I blame it on the grad student from our lab who moved to Florida to…