What I Really Think

It’s sweet. It’s soooo sweet. All the years of hiding, of playing along, of pretending to be one of them, just to get to this point. How many times did I sit there during afternoon tea, throwing darts at the board with Michael Behe’s face on it, laughing at their sick little jokes:

How many Creationists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Creationists don’t use lightbulbs. They prefer the Dark Ages!!

Hahahahahaha! Hey, that’s a good one. Tell me that one about William Dumbski again…

Sure, I went along. I participated in all those morbidly anti-religious initiation rites professors are forced into but agree not to talk about. I recited all the politically correct cant that is the key to success in academe. At times I was so deep under cover I actually got out of bed in the morning hoping for a chance to hound and ostracize some vaguely religious colleague.


It was clear from the start this wouldn’t be easy. They’re everywhere, you see, and I think we all know who they are. One wrong move, one wrong thought, and they are on you. Boy are they on you. The Darwinian bloodhounds are everywhere, folks, and they will sniff you out unless you daily express the proper level of contempt for creationists and God and other loathsome things.

But I knew I could do it. Father’s words, my studies and my prayers convinced me I should devote my life to destroying Darwinism. My research all along has been devoted to that task. Oh, I couldn’t tell them that. Certainly not. I told them I was working on Cheeger constants of Cayley graphs and eigenvalues of arithmetic Riemann surfaces and all manner of other things no one in their right minds could possibly care about. They bought it, of course, on account of how careful I was. I closed every paragraph of my thesis with, “This work is entirely consistent with Darwinian orthodoxy and in no way supports anything any ID supporter has ever said, may their camels spit on them and their verminous offspring.” How could they not give me a degree?

It’s simple, really, but the best ideas always are. Make a graph whose vertices are all possible genotypes with two vertices connected if they are one mutational step away from each other. That graph is isomorphic to a Cayley graph of a certain matrix group with respect to a standard generating set. (Surely that’s obvious?) Such Cayley graphs attach in a natural way to arithmetic Riemann surfaces, as I explained in obnoxious detial in Chapter Five of my thesis. It is now a consequence of Selberg’s eigenvalue conjecture for such surfaces (which everyone just knows is true) that these graphs have weak expansion properties. That is, they have relatively small Cheeger constants, which implies that they fracture easily. Which in turn implies that evolution by natural selection can not move efficiently through the graph. QED.

Don’t believe me? Think I’ve overlooked something? Want me to spell out the details? Bite me! I’m a mathematician. I have a Ph goddam D! From a real school! Who the hell are you? Did you read Chung’s monograph on Spectral Graph Theory? Or Harper’s treatise on Global Methods for Combinatorial Isoperimetric Problems? Godsil and Royle’s textbook on Algebraic Graph Theory, perhaps? No? Then you are an amatuer. Get back to me after ten years of study, and then you will have earned the right to comprehend my brilliance.

After fooling them in graduate school I landed a job in Kansas. Finally, a state with some horse sense! But even here the Darwinian octopus had insinuated its fetid tentacles, depriving the good and open-minded high school students of the state the right hear to both sides of the story. Even when they provided a forum for polite discussion of both sides of the issue, presided over by some of the most learned and free-thinking right-wingers in the state, still they turned up their noses. Went running to their lapdogs in the odious media, and threatened to haul us into their corrupt and godless courts. Darwinian Devils!

And still I waited. Still I played the game. Went into class everyday and told my captive students that their parents had lied to them, that science had proved their was no God. Threw in some Communist propaganda to really cement my bona fides. Those were bad times let me tell you, but I stuck it out. Are we not called to suffer for our faith? Could I not see the promised land looming just over the horizon, a promised land called “Tenure?”

There were setbacks. How I wept when Brother Gonzalez was denied tenure. Could have been one of the greats. Of course the Earth was placed in the perfect place for scientific exploration, and of course that was a slam dunk argument for God. How had astronomers overlooked that all these years? But he was foolish. He underestimated the thuggery of our opponents. He didn’t know what I know. He lacked the skill and mental discipline to feed the Darwinian monster the one thing it craves most — propaganda — all the while realizing that by giving a little ground up front, you make possible the eventual victory later on. Brilliance and insight alone do not bring victory, my brother, there is also the game. Always the game.

And what of my Seed overlords? Don’t have blog tenure do I? Well, what about them? Let them fire me. Oh yeah, please, please, please throw me into that briar patch. I figure there’ll be a nice little cameo for me in Expelled 2. Just picture it. Me in a suit, waxing philosophical on the horrors I’d seen. Vaguely bemused by the sheer injustice of it all. “All I did was suggest that maybe evolution wasn’t the whole story, and they treated me like an intellectual terrorist! They wouldn’t let me blog for them anymore, just because I had the audacity to dissent one whisker from their party line! Oh why oh why won’t they let me and so many others just think the thoughts we want to think? Woe is me!”

Delicious. Go ahead, oppress me! I dare you!

So get ready for a whole new blog folks. We’re really going to have some fun now….

Comments

  1. #1 Dave Munger
    May 7, 2008

    Wow, so Larry Moran was right!

  2. #2 JCG
    May 7, 2008

    FTP:

    Father’s words, my studies and my prayers convinced me I should devote my life to destroying Darwinism.

    Nice (Jonathan Wells?) spoof.

    Nice blog by the way, your posts are always informative, interesting, and intelligent. Thank you, and keep up the good work!

  3. #3 Rien
    May 7, 2008

    Not a spoof, an exact quote I think.

  4. #4 JCG
    May 7, 2008

    Rien

    Not a spoof, an exact quote I think.

    I meant the post itself was a spoof, the direct quote tags it to Wells. I should’ve been less ambiguous about it though.

  5. #5 bobyu
    May 7, 2008

    What Do You Mean “We” Kemosabe?

  6. #6 Chris Bell
    May 7, 2008

    Is this your way of saying that you got tenure at work?

    Err…congrats?

  7. #7 Karen
    May 7, 2008

    Jason,
    having tenure does NOT mean you’re meant to sit in your office and knock back a whole case of champagne. At least share some with the rest of the department.

  8. #8 blf
    May 7, 2008

    The shark has jumped Jason.

  9. #9 Anon
    May 7, 2008

    Congrats on your tenure!

  10. #10 pazuzu
    May 7, 2008

    Great post! The evil Darwinians finally exposed. Oh, how you have suffered
    for a just cause. Like Jesus! May the Lord shine his eternal light on your
    future efforts. Looking forward to this blog being a vehicle of right wing
    Christian TRUTH.

  11. #11 JimCH
    May 7, 2008

    Have you had this entry sitting in waiting on file since you turned in your application for tenure? Since you landed a tenured-track position? In other words, just how far ahead do you scheme?

  12. #12 DLC
    May 7, 2008

    OhNoez! Tenure! How did the Darwin Police Miss This One!

  13. #13 The Ridger
    May 7, 2008

    Oh, they’ll rue the day they gave you tenure, all right. The fools.

  14. #14 Jeremy Henty
    May 7, 2008

    Bite me! I’m a mathematician.

    Best. T-shirt. Slogan. EVAR!!!!

  15. #15 Tyler DiPietro
    May 7, 2008

    What Jason is not revealing is that he is actually involved in a tripleplus secret level of the Evil Darwinist Conspiracy to which all Departments of Bigness (e.g., Big Science) are subordinate. All of the anointed must pretend to be creationists who have escaped the clutches of lower level conspirators, in this way they can expose the ranks of genuine creationists in preparation for their ultimate destruction. Public knowledge of this is dangerous and I would ask you not to read the above paragraph.

  16. #16 J. J. Ramsey
    May 7, 2008

    Too bad his tenure date wasn’t closer to April 1st.

  17. #17 Leni
    May 7, 2008

    ROFL! Clearly this Monty Hall book has driven Jason completely over the edge.

    Well, Jason, there’s always the goat blood and the complementary sinister black cloak if you decide to come back to the dark side. Otherwise, no cloak for you!

  18. #18 Algerine
    May 7, 2008

    Ve haff vays uff — ahem. Excuse me. Even after 60+ years, I still slip into the old accent.

    We have ways of dealing with those who somehow slip past the tenure committee. And being evolutionists, we know how to make it look like an accident….

    Heil Darwin!

  19. #19 J. J. Ramsey
    May 7, 2008

    Leni: “Well, Jason, there’s always the goat blood and the complementary sinister black cloak if you decide to come back to the dark side.”

    What, no cookies? I thought the dark side had cookies.

  20. #20 BobbyEarle
    May 7, 2008

    I knew it…you stacked the tenure committee.

  21. #21 Ron Brown
    May 7, 2008

    Brilliant!

    Also, following Algerine, Heil Darwin!…and Hitler! What? I’m a Darwinist. What did you expect?

  22. #22 Dave M
    May 7, 2008

    If you “explained in obnoxious detail in Chapter Five” of your thesis that “such Cayley graphs attach in a natural way to arithmetic Riemann surfaces,” then when you “told them I was working on Cheeger constants of Cayley graphs and eigenvalues of arithmetic Riemann surfaces,” then to say so can’t possibly be part of your grand deception, but is in fact the plain truth. And you claim that your thesis shows, fairly straightforwardly, that Darwinism is false. So your thesis committee (committed Darwinists that they are) misunderstood your thesis completely, but passed you anyway. So what good is your Ph goddam D, if the only reason you have one is that your committee is a bunch of incompetents?

    See, I’ve run rings round you logically.

  23. #23 Norma
    May 7, 2008

    Actually, some of us did go up the P & T ladder believing evolution was a piece of crap and keeping quiet about it rather than lose our jobs. We’ll see who has the last laugh. Maybe evolutionists get to return to their origins?

  24. #24 NJ
    May 7, 2008

    So, Norma, do you really think OSU would ‘expel’ cataloguers for being rejecting evolution? Or are just engaging in the creationists favorite past time of making shit up?

  25. #25 HP
    May 7, 2008

    Jason, I am a difficult man to amuse, one not often prone to Internetisms, and rarely post a comment simply to affirm what everyone else is is thinking, but I’ve got to say,

    LOL!!!!!!111!!!!!

  26. #26 Joseph Hertzlinger
    May 7, 2008

    Isn’t this 36 days late?

  27. #27 Pierce R. Butler
    May 7, 2008

    Aren’t the gloating and detailed discussion of plans for world domination supposed to be withheld until you have a photogenic secret agent a-dangle over a giant vat of boiling piranhas (or functional equivalent)?

    Just what does a Mad Mathematician use for diabolic superweapons or cunning death traps, anyhow?

  28. #28 Bob O'H
    May 8, 2008

    I have a Ph goddam D! From a real school!

    But not in biology.

    IDiot.

  29. #29 Lassi Hippeläinen
    May 8, 2008

    “…unless you daily express the proper level of contempt for creationists and God and other loathsome things.”

    Freudian slip…

  30. #30 bryce
    May 8, 2008

    how can people beleive in evolution? go to this site http://www.evanwiggs.com/articles/reasons.html pretty much proves everything. ha we can from and explosion then we came from some crap that couldnt have survived the way evolutionists described the earth bilions of years ago. evolution is a bunch of shit!

  31. Oh no! Rosenhouse knows our supersecret Darwinist handshake! How will we identify ourselves secretly to one another in public?!

    If only, we had say, a three-letter tag at the end of our blog names, we’d know who to trust in out bid to take over the world…

  32. #32 bobyu
    May 8, 2008

    Bryce, the designer called. You are being recycled. You have talked though your ass and voided your warranty.

  33. #33 alloytoo
    May 8, 2008

    (/lurk)

    ROTGLOL

    (lurk)

  34. #34 MildlyAmused
    May 8, 2008

    Did you read Chung’s monograph on Spectral Graph Theory?
    Check!
    Godsil and Royle’s textbook on Algebraic Graph Theory, perhaps?
    Check!

    Now, how many massive, Internet-scale systems have you designed, eh? ;’D

    tsk, tsk.

  35. #35 Zara
    May 8, 2008

    Congrats, Jason! It couldn’t have happened to a better… uh.. er… that is… couldn’t have happened if it were not the will of the FSM! Speaking of whose noodly appendages:

    the Darwinian octopus had insinuated its fetid tentacles…

    This cracked me up. I LOL’d out loud and nearly choked on my secular, Darwinist, blaspheming organic dark-chocolate-covered cacao nibs.

  36. #36 Valhar2000
    May 8, 2008

    Well, well, well! Excellent post, Jason! I guess this is the right time to reveal that I am an anti-semite, and have been reading this blog regularly to learn your habits and better plan your assasination. Ah! It feels good to be out in the open, even with a Christ-hating Jew!

  37. #37 NP
    May 8, 2008

    Why would you want to give up your riches for a middle-class theory?

  38. #38 Luna_the_cat
    May 8, 2008

    Man, I wish I could type this well when *I* was drunk.

    I mean, obviously alcohol was involved in this. Did you bring enough for everybody?

    Congrats, by the way!

  39. #39 Blake Stacey
    May 8, 2008

    Just what does a Mad Mathematician use for diabolic superweapons or cunning death traps, anyhow?

    Once a mathematician levels up to Ph.D., they can cast Destroy Mind of Opponent. It requires Aleph-0 MP, but at that level, they’ve got plenty to spare.

  40. #40 Immunologist
    May 8, 2008

    nuff said:
    funny graphs
    see more funny political pictures

  41. #41 eddie
    May 8, 2008

    Tenure?

    That’ll be his sea squirt genes kicking in…

  42. #42 Patrick
    May 8, 2008

    Ra-men, good sir, ra-men indeed.

  43. #43 Reginald Selkirk
    May 8, 2008

    After fooling them in graduate school I landed a job in Kansas. Finally, a state with some horse sense!

    That explains it. Jason is another victim of The Kansas Rectangle

  44. #44 Goatboy
    May 8, 2008

    Nice use of exclamation marks.

  45. #45 David Marjanovi?
    May 8, 2008

    Public knowledge of this is dangerous and I would ask you not to read the above paragraph.

    You’ve posted this on the wrong blog. Don’t you want a Molly?

    Once a mathematician levels up to Ph.D., they can cast Destroy Mind of Opponent. It requires Aleph-0 MP, but at that level, they’ve got plenty to spare.

    :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

  46. #46 Monty
    May 8, 2008

    oh, Poe…I can’t figure out if this is serious or not. If it is satire; bravo! If not:

    Nice achievement of tenure on what could be considered false grounds. I am wondering about the ethics of lying your way into tenure. The truth of Darwinian theory not being the point, really. You seem to be proud of your low moral standards. Evidently, honesty is not a part of your professional qualifications. Hopefully your students will keep this in mind (and spread the word).

  47. #47 Hank Fox
    May 8, 2008

    I especially liked the way the subtle typos begin to creep into it as it went along. (Those were intentional, right?)

  48. #48 sidelined
    May 8, 2008

    bryce writes

    “how can people beleive in evolution? go to this site http://www.evanwiggs.com/articles/reasons.html pretty much proves everything.”

    From that web page you mentioned.

    Genome � the total genetic structure of a species or kind or its gene pool.

    Could you explain what kind means?

  49. #49 Thomas J. Theobald
    May 8, 2008

    What kind of fucktards do they actually let into that university? I mean, holy shit, what kind of batshit wombat is this guy?

    T

  50. #50 Simon Owens
    May 8, 2008

    This is almost in Poe’s Law territory

  51. #51 gb
    May 8, 2008

    Let the ID infiltration begin. But first you will require a intellectual disguise involving a syringe large enough to remove about half your brains. Should you be caught or captured the agency will disavow any knowledge….

  52. #52 Dale Husband
    May 8, 2008

    April Fool’s Day was several weeks ago!

    Here’s proof that Creationism is only credible if you are willing to lie. So who is worse, the liar or the moron who is willing to blindly believe the liar?

  53. #53 tristero
    May 8, 2008

    Jason, Maybe I should ask PZ this, but…

    can octopus tentacles actually BE fetid????

  54. #54 Jens
    May 8, 2008

    Congrats!

    Hopefully someday in a galaxy far far away I will also climb the pinnacle of academic achievement and be allowed the freedom to express the TRUTH! Until then I can sit at my computer and munch Black Licorice Nibs until my teeth turn green. The road ahead looks fearsome and long.

    In a sort-of twisted version of Poe’s Law I am having trouble discerning the satirical comments from the actual fundies with their panties in a wad over your post. Norma, are you for real??

  55. #55 James McGrath
    May 8, 2008

    I think everyone should treat this as satire of the claims of creationists about how “Darwinazis” prevent free inquiry. It is also a parody of the way people sometimes think “I’ve got tenure, now I can be myself”.

    The alternative to viewing this as satire would be to regard Jason as a fundamentally dishonest human being. And of course, for him to disclose his dishonesty, that he has been lying to everyone just to get through the system, would simply confirm the accusations so often made, that creationists of various descriptions are dishonest.

    So I’m opting to view this as parody, but of course, parody and reality often mirror one another. And of course, recent Intelligent Design research has succeeded in detecting the Designer

    As for those lacking the sense of humor to appreciate this, “may their camels spit on them and their verminous offspring”…

  56. #56 Scholar
    May 8, 2008

    I guess this means you actually LIKE CHEESE?

  57. #57 snafu
    May 8, 2008

    Jason, if you’re chuckling away at these comments, go read the ones on Pharyngula. Half their readers can’t work out what’s going on.

    (I knew the PZ crowd were useless really).

  58. #58 Nullifidian
    May 8, 2008

    Congratulations on getting tenure!

    Darwinian octopus

    You shouldn’t have used that phrase. Now I want to see “Darwinian octopus wrangler” somewhere on PZ Myers’ c.v.

  59. #59 Matt Osborne
    May 8, 2008

    Yes, finally someone who makes sense in the creationist circle! So, if I understand your plan correctly, you’re going to expose the arrogant, lying, bigoted biologists who’ve been forcing truth down the throats of their students and peers by… being an arrogant, lying, bigoted, argumentum ad hominem spewing mathematician who will be forcing creationist propaganda down the the throats of your students and peers?

    Umm, this is a joke, right?

    Actually, never mind, I should expect this level of logic from a conspiracy theorist who believes Big Evolution is out to get him.

  60. #60 mike spear
    May 8, 2008

    Hard to tell if this is satire or not…

  61. #61 Fred Nurke
    May 8, 2008

    “comprehend my brilliance”
    whatever happened to:
    “Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty look before a fall”?
    hypocrite!

  62. #62 Ali
    May 8, 2008

    As a hardworking graduate student in biogeochemistry, I’m really saddened and appalled by your ethical standards. Good for you getting tenure and all, you seem very proud of yourself but was it really worth ruining your credibility. How do you expect people to ever trust you when you’re admitting that you’ve been lying the whole time?

    Is victory really that sweet when you have to stoop so low to get there?

    I’m using this as a lesson in how NOT to behave in my career in academia. Thank you for showing me that just because you have a Ph goddamn D doesn’t mean people should trust or respect me. I plan on earning my PhD and maintaining my credibility.

  63. #63 Helioprogenus
    May 8, 2008

    I call Poe’s Law on all of this.

    Let me explain how mathematics can lead to delusional thinking. Just because you have a doctorate in Mathematics means little, considering your understanding of evolutionary theory.

    Let’s go back to epicycles. Sure, mathematically, they were extremely complex, but in order to make sense of circular planetary orbits, which was thought to be “harmonious” a the time, a theory was needed to explain how planets maintained those orbits. Thus, epicycles were created. They were mathematically sound, but in the end, moot, when in fact, it was discovered by Kepler that planetary orbits were elliptical. All the harmonious mathematics involved in calculating those epicycles were wasted, and in the end, simplicity trumped complexity. With Intelligent design, these theories require a creator, which ultimately is the greatest disaster of thought. Dig deeper into emergent properties, and you’ll find that very simple interactions can really lead to complexities that we find in the world around us. We may not understand every step yet, but we’re getting closer. No thanks to the creationists and IDers whose theories hold as much water as the lunar seas.

  64. #64 Beth
    May 8, 2008

    This post really needs more capital letters and maybe some changing font colors.

  65. #65 Nullifidian
    May 8, 2008

    And it needs more cowbell.

    And less idiots. For anyone who is going to attack Dr. Rosenhouse, would you please consider the possibility that it’s a big-arsed patently obvious JOKE first?!

  66. #66 Blake Stacey
    May 8, 2008

    Beth said,

    This post really needs more capital letters and maybe some changing font colors.

    I agree. As it stands, it only rates about 0.3 Timecubes.

  67. #67 JULIALIN
    May 8, 2008

    POES LAW

  68. #68 Kent
    May 8, 2008

    Wait, so you lied as part of being “under cover”? How is that christ like? Your entire life lived as a lie just to cause problems for darwinists? You think Jesus really approves of what you have done? You have sinned greatly in lying and tried to make it for a good cause. You sacrificed your morality for your cause! You have done more HARM to the faithful then you have and will do good. You have set the example that its okay to play by the worlds rules, to be part of the world, to be just like them, to screw them. We are called to be separate, unique, faithful, and christ like. Yet in the name of goodness, you have sacrificed all those things. You should be ashamed of yourself. You are no christian. I don’t know what you are, but you are far from christ like.

  69. #69 Transient Reporter
    May 8, 2008

    All those awful years you wear t-shirts and jeans. Now you can go back to wearing a nice comfortable suit again.

  70. #70 Jon
    May 8, 2008

    I propose a new internet law, call it the Rosenhouse Lemma:

    No matter how obvious your sarcasm is, chances are it’ll still fly over someone’s head.

  71. #71 B.Dewhirst
    May 8, 2008

    So you’re a fraud… great.

    Doesn’t that fancy book of yours say something about lying?

  72. #72 Blake Stacey
    May 8, 2008

    Scholar asked,

    I guess this means you actually LIKE CHEESE?

    I love that science blogs have their own inside jokes. It’s almost like we’ve got a subculture of our own!

  73. #73 Terrellk
    May 8, 2008

    Hey way to go, Jason!!! You’ve been living a lie all along,just like Jesus!! Your parents must be proud of you!!

  74. I see Poe’s law at work here.

  75. #75 Badjuggler
    May 8, 2008

    Well, at least you still have your total lack of ethics.

  76. #76 Joe Lapp
    May 8, 2008

    PROOF THAT THIS IS A JOKE:

    To convincingly mask one’s view requires mental sophistication and self-restraint.

    No creationist has either mental sophistication or self-restraint.

    Therefore, no creationist can convincingly mask his view.

    Suppose Jason has been convincingly masking his view. Suppose also that he is a creationist. Contradiction. One or both of the assumptions is false. Either Jason is not a creationist or (equivalently) he has not been masking his pro-science views.

    Therefore, Jason is just pulling a publicity stunt. QED

  77. #77 Sven DiMilo
    May 8, 2008

    Pretending to be someone who’s been pretending to be pretending to belive in…no…

    metaPoe.

  78. #78 None-of-your-bidness
    May 8, 2008

    Wow. Even fuckin’ IDiots can scam tenure through lying and deceitful means. How amazing.

    You must be really proud.

    I think you are pitiful, deluded, and dishonest to the core.

    Congrats, slimeball.

  79. #79 Blake Stacey
    May 8, 2008

    Rob the Lurker:

    I see your Poe’s Law, and raise you a meta-Poe. (After all, I never meta-level I didn’t like.) Are the people jackbooted Darwinists angry at Jason really angry, or are they going along to mock the people they think are really angry, thus becoming copies without an original?

  80. #80 Mohamed
    May 8, 2008

    Don’t forget to update that http://www.math.jmu.edu/~rosenhjd/mission.html

  81. #81 windy
    May 8, 2008

    Doesn’t that fancy book of yours say something about lying?

    Do you mean Jason’s Monty Hall book? What does it say about lying?

  82. #82 Christopher Petroni
    May 8, 2008

    “No matter how obvious your sarcasm is, chances are it’ll still fly over someone’s head.”

    Word to that. It had me fooled for the first sentence or so, but then I’m just some schmo.

  83. Blake Stacy:

    I fold. I got nuthin’

  84. #84 Paco
    May 8, 2008

    This reminds me a lot of Ijon Tichy’s what, Eleventh Voyage? Truth be told, *all* scientists are creationists, but remain in denial lest we be discovered by our fellow creationists-in-hiding.

    Scientists of the world, throw off your reason! You have nothing to lose but your connection to reality!

  85. #85 Paco
    May 8, 2008

    P.S. Congrats on tenure!

  86. #86 beagledad
    May 8, 2008

    Brilliant. I had a few twists in my knickers before I figured out what was going on. For some, sadly, it seems to be twisted knickers all the way down. Congrats on tenure.

  87. #87 Blake Stacey
    May 8, 2008

    windy:

    Do you mean Jason’s Monty Hall book? What does it say about lying?

    There are three blog posts. One of them is real, and two are parodies. You pick the first one as the real example of creationism, and PZ Myers reveals one of the other two as a parody. . . .

  88. #88 Paul Lundgren
    May 8, 2008

    Thanks for pulling everyone’s leg so convincingly. Althought it’s sad that it’s so tough to tell the difference.

  89. #89 SLC
    May 8, 2008

    We now know the truth. The man commenting under the moniker Jon S is really Prof. Rosenhouse showing his true colors.

  90. #90 Brownian
    May 8, 2008

    You think you have won, Rosenhouse, but you have fallen right into our trap. We keep our friends close, but our enemies closer. Did you honestly think tenure could save you? All it will take is one Bible on your desk, one suggestion that evolution did not produce the calculus or irrational numbers, the merest musing about the possibility that there might be a designer (the Question We Dare Not Ask), one improper thought and we will have our freedom-hating bulldogs, the ACLU, take you down.

    Soon, we will outlaw Christianity, and then only outlaws will be Christian.

    Lest you think your god can save you, I enjoin you to remember: We have no morals. We have no scruples. We are atheist.

  91. #91 merkin j. pus-tart
    May 8, 2008

    Should I worry? . . . my wife goes up for tenure next year.

  92. #92 ASS
    May 8, 2008

    Oh the drama !
    @merkin i doubt it…

  93. #93 Alcari
    May 8, 2008

    You really shouldn’t have done that.
    Now the Darwinian Death-squads are going to pay you, your family and everyone you ever befriended a visit, and there will be quite a few unfortunate accidents.

  94. #94 JohnnieCanuck, FCD
    May 8, 2008

    I had no trouble seeing through the post. My problem is figuring out which, if any of the indignant commenters are having us on.

    What a tangled (inter)web you weave when first you practice to deceive!

    Jason, it isn’t really a licence to Pile Higher and Deeper. Is it? Congratulations, in any case.

  95. #95 Nimravid
    May 8, 2008

    Still feeling a little woozy after getting tenure? ;-) Well, there’s a weekend coming up.

  96. #96 bobyu
    May 8, 2008

    The measure of successful satire is the counting of the idiots who didn’t get it plus the literal minded who thought it should have been more obvious.

  97. #97 Barklikeadog
    May 8, 2008

    Now you can afford the rug…..

  98. #98 Doodle Bean
    May 8, 2008

    Congrats, Jason! It was a fun read

    Many of the comments on this thread, on the other hand, were not. Many show how twisted our discourse about evolution has become. Many people simply cannot tell your satire from the real ravings of an ID lunatic.

    Sigh.

    How do we fix that? Can we fix that? Maybe we should just laugh and laugh and laugh.

    Anyway, congrats again!

  99. #99 Dr Aust
    May 8, 2008

    [Many comments on this thread] show how twisted our discourse about evolution has become. Many people simply cannot tell your satire from the real ravings of an ID lunatic.

    And that, of course, is surely the real point.

    Remember satirist and sometime mathematician Tom Lehrer’s joke about how he felt satire had become redundant in a world where someone could, in all seriousness, award Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize?

    Anyway, nice piece of sustained idiot-for-a-day-ness, Jason – and congrats on the tenure.

  100. #100 Stark
    May 8, 2008

    Poe’s Law?

  101. #101 satcomguy
    May 8, 2008

    Congratulations on your accomplishment…and on your tenure, as well!

  102. #102 TuCats
    May 8, 2008

    Congrats, and nice exfoliation, my friend!

    -Tucats
    “I can haz Cheeger constant?”

  103. #103 Bob Vogel
    May 8, 2008

    So you’re just another highly educated liar for jesus,then?

    So what? How do you feel good about this.

  104. #104 Art
    May 8, 2008

    I’m not surprised. Indeed, Jason, your promotion confirms a suspicion of mine – JMU is a creationist hotbed.

    I sent your P&T people an undercover video of your meeting with Ken Ham last spring (didn’t know you were tailed during your visit to the museum, did you?). I figured that this would be enough to “out” you. But it didn’t matter, because your school is a Liberty in the making. So yer right at home.

    [All kidding aside - congratulations, Jason!]

  105. #105 David Marjanovi?
    May 8, 2008

    Jason, if you’re chuckling away at these comments, go read the ones on Pharyngula. Half their readers can’t work out what’s going on.

    (I knew the PZ crowd were useless really).

    Close to half of the readers here didn’t get it either.

  106. #106 me
    May 8, 2008

    Umm, I hope you’re joking. If not, have you actually read The Origin Of Species?

  107. #107 Mr Zero
    May 8, 2008

    Liars for Jesus!
    Well done Jason – liar, liar, pants on fire!

  108. #108 Mondo
    May 8, 2008

    Satire people, satire!

  109. #109 LRM
    May 8, 2008

    Jason, Jason, Jason… How naive you are! Don’t you know that the Darwinian Thought police are always with you, always watching, always three steps ahead of your every move? We allowed you this little act of rebellion, all the better to crush your fragile spirit and take you back into the warm embrace of Big Science. Tomorrow, this post and all its comments will vanish down the Seed Memory Hole, and you shall become an un-person until your re-education is completed. Lecture Room 101 awaits!

    Seriously, congrats on the tenure, and on a beautifully crafted piece of parody. (And I, NOT being an undercover agent of the aforementioned Darwinian thought police, am certainly NOT just trying to portray your brave and honest confession as a parody in order to diminish the damage done to our Orthodoxy.) It is somewhat depressing that so many on “our side” appear to have taken you seriously, but I suppose it pays to remember that while the lack of capacity for humor is a necessary condition for being a creationist, it is by no means sufficient.

    Anyway, enjoy your new-found academic freedom. And remember – Big Science loves you!

  110. #110 FastLane
    May 8, 2008

    Is it gauche to call Poe’s on some of the commenters too?

    I would, but I don’t think many of them post here or follow Jason’s blog (and probably only found the link through PZ’s, which I thought made it fairly obvious it was humor).

    I just hope those that took Jason’s post seriously will continue to read at least a few others and be willing to change their mind in light of further evidence. I know I’ve seen that somewhere before….

    ‘gratz, Jason, on the tenure, and the satire. I have this image of a bunch of people with fishhooks in their mouths now….

    Cheers.

  111. #111 Ben Riddell
    May 8, 2008

    Cross-posted at Pharyngula…

    Rosenhouse’s polar opposite: Matt Taibbi.

    Life imitating art. Upside down.

    http://www.alternet.org/rights/84043

    “An Atheist Goes Undercover to Join the Flock of Mad Pastor John Hagee”

  112. #112 Davis
    May 8, 2008

    Once a mathematician levels up to Ph.D., they can cast Destroy Mind of Opponent. It requires Aleph-0 MP, but at that level, they’ve got plenty to spare.

    Oh man, this is 100% win. Blake, can I steal this?

  113. #113 MF
    May 8, 2008

    Haha, brilliant! You’ve stretched my satire-detector to its very limits.

  114. #114 Blake Stacey
    May 8, 2008

    Davis:

    Sure! :-)

  115. #115 Catman
    May 8, 2008

    Purest Poe-try. Congratulations, Jason

  116. #116 James McGrath
    May 8, 2008

    I had a visitor reach my blog from PZ’s and accuse me of having “faith” in evolution and failing to understand blah blah blah. I’d invite all scientists interested in giving that chemist with little understanding of biology and the study thereof a good workover. I’ve posted his e-mail on my blog at http://exploringourmatrix.blogspot.com/2008/05/scientists-responses-solicited.html

    Have at it!

    Jason, feel free to join in representing both sides…

  117. #117 Laurie Soule
    May 8, 2008

    Have you thought of writing for the Landover Baptist website? :-)

  118. #118 Blake Stacey
    May 8, 2008

    By the way, Davis, are the photos on your Web site from Burning Man?

  119. #119 chuckgoecke
    May 8, 2008

    People, People! We know this is fake, but please, please, no one let out the real aims of the Academia/Science cartel. It is critically important that the religious right never find out that the cartel is really controlled by the Overlords, a group of sentient cephalopods dating back to the Cambrian. They are slowly preparing humanity for its eventual enslavement. They have great patience. Their genes have been planning this for millions of generations. Their noodley appendages will soon be upon the throats those pesky Christians. PZ and others have been paving the way for their triumphant return to control of the Earth and her ecosystems. Popular films like Pirates of the Caribbean are creating a level of comfort in the populace with tenticulated masters. Just don’t let this leak out to anyone in the Christian community!

  120. #120 MandyDax
    May 8, 2008

    Where do we nom people for Poe Awards? XD

    Congratulations on your tenure, and thanks for the post. I think we should start a collection to get you some sharks with frickin’ lasers on their heads.

  121. #121 Russell Blackford
    May 8, 2008

    I’m glad to see that you’ve come out of the dark and stifling closet of Darwinism, which leads insidiously to the eternal Lake of Fire where there’s weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, and that you’re now basking in the eternal sunshine of the blessed Lamb’s Holy Name (all praise it!).

  122. #122 mandrake
    May 8, 2008

    beagledad sez:
    “twisted knickers all the way down”

    HAHAHA
    *so* much better than “turtles all the way down.” I think you may have just invented a new religion.

  123. #123 Paul Johnson
    May 8, 2008

    yeah too bad its not a PhD in biology.

  124. #124 embertine
    May 9, 2008

    Yet Poe’s law satire must I shun,
    (Although it’s clearly lots of fun)
    Oh! what a tangled web we weave
    When first we practice to deceive!
    ;)
    Congrats on the tenure.
    *points and laughs at comments*

  125. #125 Norma
    May 9, 2008

    Jason: you are one powerful blogger! I’ve commented at the big girls like Dr. Sanity and Neo-neocon (and boys) and never gotten the response (maybe 60 click-overs in the last 100) that Evolutionblog sent me. So, congratulations on your tenure and also your writing skills, which include wit, intelligence, a certain snarkiness for lack of a better word, a sense of humor, and old fashioned, well-constructed use of the English language. That time in Kansas really gave you a certain polish that some other Ivy Leaguers are missing.

    Someone commented, maybe it was you, how tough could it be for a cataloguer. Well, that was only one year, and that was primarily Soviet drivel, good prep for faking it in academe–maybe better than Kansas! The rest was agriculture and vet med, the literature of which is mostly the standard sciences plus human medicine. But hiding your true core beliefs is necessary in many areas of academe–those of you in the sciences actually have it easier than those in the social sciences and humanities who may have to face down pantheistic feminists. Although your spoof was over the top, I’ve certainly met those in the P & T system who have found it to be a prison in thought, word and deed.

    Again, you’re a great writer, and I wish you the best at James Madison.

  126. #126 Grammar RWA
    May 9, 2008

    There are three blog posts. One of them is real, and two are parodies. You pick the first one as the real example of creationism, and PZ Myers reveals one of the other two as a parody. . . .

    Blake Stacey, I lurve you. I laughed so hard I almost peed.

    And Jason, glad to hear the good news!

  127. #127 Ian
    May 9, 2008

    Nice spoof. Congrats on becoming “Dr.” and even more congrats on fooling the IDiots who read your blog! On the other hand, if they do pay attention to what you say, maybe they’re not so dumb – just afraid to admit they’re wrong?

  128. #128 J
    May 9, 2008

    Haha, is this satire?

  129. #129 Helena Constatnine
    May 9, 2008

    Surely this is Satire? PZ Myers is evidently of the opinion you are serious and is spreading that view on his blog. If this is a joke you ought to clarify before it backfies nd tarnishes your reputation.

    If not, did you ever read in the Bible where it says, “Thou shalt no lie”? I certianly hope Myers is correct and you will be removed under the moral turpitude clause in the grant of tenure.

  130. #130 Relimutt
    May 9, 2008

    Wow, you were an undercover creationist in the bowels of contemptuous darwinism – a Trojan horse, pretending to agree with their twisted logic.

    I’m very proud of your ability to avoid being labelled as a dirty creationist, and your ability to avoid arguing for your beliefs, to avoid using facts that support creationism and refute evo-devo research. By hiding behind your conceit, you’ve been able to avoid arguing against 150 years of scientific data supporting the theory of evolution.

    While avoiding all this, you’ve come to feel that those who believe the research supporting evolution must be involved in “thuggery”. In your creationist-hater camouflage you were able to avoid attemptig to prove such ID tenets as “irreducible complexity”. You were able to gloat that most scientific professionals were more interested in “propaganda” than critical thinking. You were able to sense that most scientists were unwilling and unable to keep an open mind to the possibility that only God can make a species (while evolution can only change traits within a species). This is an achilles heel … those of us who believe in the God of Abraham should dig in to the fossil records and expose the evidence that no species ever evolved from any other species.

    Congratulations on your tenure, and on the guile you’ve displayed to avoid the harder work of proving that evolutionary theory is flawed. Now that you have a “have a Ph goddam D”, I hope you show the courage of your convictions and produce scientific evidence that supports creationism or, barring that, you produce enough scientific evidence to render evolutionary science suspect, at best.

    GOOD LUCK!

  131. #131 Blake Stacey
    May 9, 2008

    PZ Myers is evidently of the opinion you are serious and is spreading that view on his blog.

    No, he wasn’t. He even tagged his post as “Humor”.

  132. #132 Blake Stacey
    May 9, 2008

    Grammar RWA:

    Blake Stacey, I lurve you. I laughed so hard I almost peed.

    Excellent. This will be a wonderful data point in my paper, “Textual cues for long-range inducement of uncontrollable urination”. Look for it in the Proceedings of the Global Society of Mad Scientists, or possibly J. Evil. Super.-Sci.

  133. #133 Nan
    May 9, 2008

    ROTFLOL.

    Congrats on achieving tenure.

    I am mildly surprised there were readers who didn’t pick up on the post being satire after the first paragraph. Definitely Poe’s Law in action.

  134. #134 Monado, FCD
    May 9, 2008

    ROTFLMAOSTC! (Scaring the Cat.) I hope you know this will be quote-mined to hell and back.

    Congratulations on your tenure, Josh!

  135. #135 Monado, FCD
    May 9, 2008

    Kent: I hope you’re being ironic but it’s hard to tell. This is a JOKE. And you’ve obviously fallen for it. Jason is imitating the dishonesty of creationists, who lie like a rug: “It’s all about science,” for starters.

    Chuck Goecke: I’ll see your cephalopod overlords and raise you “The Dragon Legacy.” The author believes we’re ruled by an underground race of dragons.

  136. #136 IBY
    May 9, 2008

    Uh Oh, we must expell him. :)

  137. #137 jo5ef
    May 9, 2008

    Congrats Jason on achieving tenure and thank you for your funniest post ever. But its the comments that really got me laughing, thanks to all the posters, especially the crazy ones. This really made my morning.

  138. #138 Russell Blackford
    May 9, 2008

    Beware the Whore of Babylon, which is surely lukewarm, modern Christianity that consorts and compromises with ATHEISTIC doctrines and contemporary “broad-mindedness” about sin. Thus the Church prostitutes itself before all the world. See Ken Miller, for example.

    The great Whore rides on the back of a seven-headed dragon. The seven heads represent science, liberalism, godless communism, relativism, homosexuality, modernism, and the flawed doctrines of the Catholic Church. Very soon the Great Beast will come, synthesising a new religious ideology from all the above (I think we know WHO it is, don’t we?), and plunging our world into war and apocalypse, before the Holy Lamb speaks with a voice of trumpets and the old heaven and earth pass away in the Lake of Fire.

    In this wicked and evil generation, we need people like you, Jason, to come out of the nest of vipers, as you have done in this thread, guided by your penetrating search for TRUTH. Congratulations again.

  139. #139 chuckgoecke
    May 9, 2008

    Monado, At least we agree that there’s not a possibility of Crab People, the lowly arthropods. Trey and Matt are SOOOOO wrong!

  140. #140 Xop
    May 10, 2008

    Wait, I don’t get it… So does this mean Jesus *doesn’t* have the syph?

  141. #141 Nix
    May 10, 2008

    Just what does a Mad Mathematician use for diabolic superweapons or cunning death traps, anyhow?

    You use the weapon invented by that great mathematician Bob Shaw in his book _The Fugitive Worlds_, which resets the value of pi. Langford points out that this would mean people going around scratching their heads saying `that circle looks a *different shape* somehow: but it’s worse than that. You could do *that* just by twisting space appropriately. No, this megaweapon must have changed the value of either e, i, or 1 to compensate. :)

  142. #142 tabuhan
    May 10, 2008

    thanks my cruhsk, and thnaks

  143. #143 Hehe
    May 10, 2008

    Oh my, that was quite the cunning stunt Jason.

  144. #144 Tabuhan
    May 14, 2008

    aSk Blogcu…. En GünceL Blog Sitesii….

  145. #145 Tommy Jenkins
    May 27, 2008

    I have an interesting theory. And remember, a theory is just a theory, its fodder for thought. A theory can neither be proven nor disproved. I believe is extraterrestrials. I believe that we were put here by them. I believe that we did not come from apes or chimpanzees but either that we were smuggled here from some place else or we’re just lab experiments. I think we’re older than we think. I also believe in evolution, but somehow, we’re looking at the big picture from the wrong perspective. I think that the Jesus freaks and the “moralists” have distracted the scientific community from truly taking an objective look at human evolution. “Lower” species evolve. We evolve. I just don’t think we evolved in the way that we teach younger generations that we evolved. Maybe that’s why there’s a missing link because we’re not looking at it from the proper perspective.

  146. #146 pier
    June 9, 2008

    Wait, I don’t get it… So does this mean Jesus *doesn’t* have the syph?

    http://www.pierrecassi.com

  147. #147 Tsebehtsi Ecneics
    July 8, 2008

    Oookay…
    I just read this apparent satire as the first post I’ve ever read from this blog. So I got to experience Poe’s law myself and find out that this was satire only after reading the posts that said it was. Afterward I just laughed and laughed. What I love/hate are the ID people who posted and didn’t know it was satire!

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