Best Election Summary Anywhere

From The Onion, of course:

Although polls going into the final weeks of October showed Sen. Obama in the lead, it remained unclear whether the failing economy, dilapidated housing market, crumbling national infrastructure, health care crisis, energy crisis, and five-year-long disastrous war in Iraq had made the nation crappy enough to rise above 300 years of racial prejudice and make lasting change.

“Today the American people have made their voices heard, and they have said, ‘Things are finally as terrible as we’re willing to tolerate,” said Obama, addressing a crowd of unemployed, uninsured, and debt-ridden supporters. “To elect a black man, in this country, and at this time–these last eight years must have really broken you.”

Added Obama, “It’s a great day for our nation.”

Carrying a majority of the popular vote, Obama did especially well among women and young voters, who polls showed were particularly sensitive to the current climate of everything being fucked. Another contributing factor to Obama’s victory, political experts said, may have been the growing number of Americans who, faced with the complete collapse of their country, were at last able to abandon their preconceptions and cast their vote for a progressive African-American.

After enduring eight years of near constant trauma, the United States is, at long last, ready for equality.

Citizens with eyes, ears, and the ability to wake up and realize what truly matters in the end are also believed to have played a crucial role in Tuesday’s election.

There’s lots more. Go read the whole thing.


  1. #1 BobbyEarle
    November 5, 2008

    After enduring eight years of near constant trauma, the United States is, at long last, ready for equality.

    The Onion, as usual, states it pretty plain.

    Earlier this morning I was lurking around CraigsList personals, and was horrified to see women from all over the country, looking for “sponsers”. The women were looking for people to help them leave the US, because they feared living under an Obama presidency. Fear for their lives. Unbelievable isn’t the right word.

    It is going to be an interesting four years.

  2. #2 Nemo
    November 12, 2008

    I can’t imagine in what country the wingnuts think they’ll be happier than they are here. But I suggest Iraq.

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