Helix Health founder Steve Murphy (left) laid out his takeover plans during a press conference this morning. “It’s time to seize the moral high ground!!!!” he proclaimed, physically spelling out the additional exclamation marks to the assembled reporters. “23andMe have played their BS PR games for too long, and I’m here to put that right!”
During a four hour-long monologue that was often rambling and at times completely incoherent, pausing only for breath and to wipe the froth from around his mouth, Murphy described a complex 457-point takeover strategy involving regulatory and legal challenges, accusations of eugenics, the construction of an online social network based on knitting to compete with 23andMe’s Pregnancy Community, boycotting of the company by all doctors over the age of 35 and, “if absolutely necessary,” the physical storming of 23andMe’s Mountain View compound by hired Somali pirates.
Genetics and biotech industry experts expressed skepticism about the feasibility of Murphy’s plan. “Somali pirates are notoriously fierce,” acknowledged Duke University’s Misha Angrist, ”but the 23andMe compound is well-defended by a series of Google-designed bulletproof robotic monkeys. If it actually came to gunplay I’d back the monkeys any day.”
Standing next to his boss, Helix Health employee Andrew Yates supported Murphy’s plan. “Steve is a great guy, and I think his strategy is perfectly feasible,” Yates said. When Murphy turned away to address other reporters Yates then appeared to mouth the words “Linda. Anne. Call me.” to the camera.
Murphy’s most vocal supporter in his mission, however, was deCODE Genetics CEO Kari Stefansson (left). “We already have seven long-boats packed with Viking warriors waiting off the Californian coast for Murphy’s signal,” Stefansson announced. “The burning, pillage and slaughter will be truly terrible to behold.” Stefansson also had a message for deCODE shareholders: “We expect the proceeds of the plundering will keep deCODE afloat for at least another three months,” he estimated.
23andMe co-founders Linda Avey and Anne Wojcicki could not be reached for comment on Murphy’s plans, but a spokeswoman dressed in pink released a statement consisting of several minutes of pre-recorded hysterical laughter.