Pat Robertson Talked To God Again

Every year around this time, Pat Robertson has a meeting with god, at which god tells Pat stuff about what is going to happen in the future. After several years of this, we now know for certain that god has no idea of, or no control over, what the future brings.


This is because Pat, who is certainly not lying to us about speaking with god because he himself is a christian and thus of presumed high moral standing, usually conveys information that turns out to be untrue. The nuclear terror attack of 2007 did not materialize. The major hit on major US cities by terrorists did not occur (his prediction was postnineoneone). He predicted major hurricanes would lash the US coast in 2006. None did. For the same year, he predicted that a major tsunami would hit the Pacific Northwest. It did not. He predicted the 2004 election of George Bush would be a blow-out. It wasn’t.

What does Robertson say about his failures?

All I can think is that somehow the people of God prayed and God in his mercy spared us. So did I miss it? Possibly … or, on the other hand, did God avert it? Possibly. But whatever, it didn’t happen, so I think we can all rejoice.

Verily, the divine lord has granted Reverend Roberson with an excellent sense of spin. I shall do my best to emulate him.

“Oh, no, I forgot to pick up milk on the way home as I promised. I think maybe there were people praying that I wouldn’t do that, and so god averted it.”

Anyway, Pat and God had a meeting the other day and Pat got the low-down on the upcoming election. But Pat’s not telling us what god said, because he’s concerned that Andy Rooney, a very funny guy from my home town by the way, would make fun of him.

He did let us know that there is going to be a lot of violence and chaos in the world. I’m certainly glad to have that information, because the usual way of things is that the world is calm and peaceful everywhere. Well, that’s good, now we know what to expect.

[source]

Comments

  1. #1 Silmarillion
    January 4, 2008

    Until he can come up with next week’s lottery numbers, he’s dead to me.

  2. #2 J-Dog
    January 4, 2008

    I predict, I mean God came to me in a dream, and said that Pat Roberston would continue to be a Total Turd(TM)in 2008.

  3. #3 Spaulding
    January 4, 2008

    He predicted major hurricanes would lash the US coast in 2006. None did. For the same year, he predicted that a major tsunami would hit the Pacific Northwest.

    Obviously the work of liberal climate scientists using their Weather Dominator to subvert the will of Jesus.

  4. #4 Common Sense
    January 4, 2008

    1. Pat is certainly not lying to us about speaking with god.

    2. The information turns out to be untrue.

    It’s obvious, god is a lying ****er, we should never believe anything that He tells us.

  5. #5 Kristine
    January 4, 2008

    Anyway, Pat and God had a meeting the other day and Pat got the low-down on the upcoming election. But Pat’s not telling us what god said, because he’s concerned that Andy Rooney, a very funny guy from my home town by the way, would make fun of him.

    Awww, darn!

    Maybe Pat could go ahead and tell us, and everyone would pray that Andy Rooney doesn’t hear about it? It worked for nuclear holocaust and hurricanes, so why not against the Ruin-y?

  6. #6 Moopheus
    January 4, 2008

    No, you see, God is on our side. Every year, he feeds Pat some bullshit. He knows it’s bullshit; he’s god. He thinks, if I feed Pat enough bullshit, eventually, folks will figure out that that is what Pat is full of. And yet somehow, some people still do not get the message even when it is clear as day. You’d also think that by now, god would have worked out a better message-delivery system, but hey, he’s gotta keep himself amused somehow.