Every year around this time, Pat Robertson has a meeting with god, at which god tells Pat stuff about what is going to happen in the future. After several years of this, we now know for certain that god has no idea of, or no control over, what the future brings.

This is because Pat, who is certainly not lying to us about speaking with god because he himself is a christian and thus of presumed high moral standing, usually conveys information that turns out to be untrue. The nuclear terror attack of 2007 did not materialize. The major hit on major US cities by terrorists did not occur (his prediction was postnineoneone). He predicted major hurricanes would lash the US coast in 2006. None did. For the same year, he predicted that a major tsunami would hit the Pacific Northwest. It did not. He predicted the 2004 election of George Bush would be a blow-out. It wasn’t.

What does Robertson say about his failures?

All I can think is that somehow the people of God prayed and God in his mercy spared us. So did I miss it? Possibly … or, on the other hand, did God avert it? Possibly. But whatever, it didn’t happen, so I think we can all rejoice.

Verily, the divine lord has granted Reverend Roberson with an excellent sense of spin. I shall do my best to emulate him.

“Oh, no, I forgot to pick up milk on the way home as I promised. I think maybe there were people praying that I wouldn’t do that, and so god averted it.”

Anyway, Pat and God had a meeting the other day and Pat got the low-down on the upcoming election. But Pat’s not telling us what god said, because he’s concerned that Andy Rooney, a very funny guy from my home town by the way, would make fun of him.

He did let us know that there is going to be a lot of violence and chaos in the world. I’m certainly glad to have that information, because the usual way of things is that the world is calm and peaceful everywhere. Well, that’s good, now we know what to expect.

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