Republicans! Welcome to Saint Paul!

But please, avoid Minneapolis, OK?

With the Democratic National Convention going on in Denver, and the Republican Convention about to start in Saint Paul, I thought I’d pass on some helpful advice for Republican delegates and others who may be coming to town.

This is for your own good. Pay attention.

People always hear that “Minneapolis and St. Paul” are “different cities” and you’all know we don’t like people to conflate the two. But I do believe that most people assume that this is the result of local pride, a kind of cultural quirk we Twin Citeans have. How quaint.

But I’m here to tell you it ain’t quaint. It is very real and one overlooks this reality at their peril.

I’ll give you an example. I was visiting a friend (Let’s call her “Michelle”) one day, at her house in Minneapolis. As we sat around talking, St. Paul came up, and she said, “I’d like to get to St. Paul more often. But it really is too far away.” After I stopped laughing, I said to her, “Michelle … your car is parked in front, right? Go to the end of the block, turn right. Go two blocks. That bridge? That’s the Mississippi River. St. Paul is just across the bridge. Three blocks.”

“Oh. Right. Well, I guess I could go there…”

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Gus Hall, Minnesota Commie
And it goes on from there, and we’re quite serious about the separation. But first a note about Minnesota (the state).

Broadly speaking, Minnesota is an amazingly diverse state, politically. We have provided to the national scene mostly Liberal Democrats, but as you may know, we don’t have a Democratic Party. We have a Democratic Farm Labor (DFL) Party. Sounds almost socialist, don’t it? Well, Minnesota (our Finnish population) also produced Gus Hall. And Harold Stassen. One small thinly populated state produced the most notorious American Communist Candidate ever as well as the most tenacious Republican Candidate ever. How did we do that?

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Hubert H. Humphrey
And yes, this is the same state that produced Walter Mondale, Hubert Humphrey, and Paul Wellstone. The core of the Democratic party from the middle of the 20th century to the present has rested, in part, here in the North Star State. We also produced President John Kennedy’s Secretary of Agriculture, and if you know anything about the farming business, you will realize the importance of this.

What you need to know, Republican, is that most of these very liberal Democrats … and lots of other things you would not like … are specifically from Minneapolis. Not Saint Paul. You would not like Minneapolis.

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Typical Minneapolis Democrat
Minneapolis is loaded with Artistic People, often Gay. Or at least, Gay Symps.

Always Left, often Radical. The scariest freakin’ people you will meet in your Wonder-bread Filled Minivan Ridin’ Suburban so-called life live here. They come from here, flock to here, breed here, organize here, in Minneapolis.

St. Paul? Not so much.

When Halloween comes around, people in St. Paul dress up like people in Minneapolis. Although such costumes are not allowed in St. Paul schools.

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even our cherries are scary
There are multiple art institutes. NEA funding in action.

Often these institutes display odd and strange things such as Modern Art. The best funded private art museum in the entire world is right here in Minneapolis (The Walker). Minneapolis has more avant guard theaters than the rest of the planet combined, and I’m only exaggerating to, maybe, one order of magnitude. One.

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Eat Street. Highest density in the region of HIV infected recidivist drug addicts with psychopathic tendencies, and some mighty fine dining.
The vast majority of people who live in the State of Minnesota who also live in supportive housing … people on public assistance for drug addiction, because they are poor and have AIDS, whatever … live in Minneapolis. Most of these folks live in one neighborhood, Whittier, where you will also find some of the best dining in the state. These are the people your party has forgotten for the last 25 years. These are the people you really, really don’t want to meet. Though I’m sure they would love to meet you.

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Radical Puppets are, in fact, exactly what your nightmares are made of. That is the point of their existence.
Minneapolis is the home of the Upper Midwest’s labor movement. Minneapolis is the home of the highly radical Giant Puppet based May Day parade, which is such a political event … organized, amazingly, by Anarchists, that the Mayor MUST attend but the mayor MUST NOT do anything but wear dark sun glasses and march quietly along side the Arbor Day float, sandwiched between the Radical Kung Fu Buddhist Temple Float and the Nihilistic Bicycle Club from Hell Rolling Exhibit.

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Uptown Spa
Uptown (A Minneapolis neighborhood) is where Face Hardware was invented. And our tattoos are not to be outdone. I can tell you a little story about this, too. I had out of town, conservative, southern, older guests in town. I brought them to a local sushi restaurant, in the Whittier/Uptown area. After we were seated, a largish group of local young women and men came in and sat at the table behind my guests, out of their view. They were typical, run of the mill, Minneapolis/Uptown folk.

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Boo
As we sat and ate, I did not think much of the group at the next table, one way or another.Hardly noticed them. But at some point, one of the two guests happened to glance behind her, and let out an audible gasp on seeing these kids. Visitor Two was compelled to turn around and have a look. They both flushed. Then blushed.

Glancing up, as nonchalantly as possible, I looked over my guests shoulders, seeming to notice the group for the first time, and whispered, “Oh, we’re right next to the theater. Those are the extras from the play they’re running. I heard it was kinda strange…”

“Ah, of course….Theater people…” (knowing glances.)

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Tim Pawlenty’s Bridge of Death
Minneapolis is also the home of the bridge that you caused to collapse, killing and maiming several Democrats and Republicans alike. Keep that in mind when you are selecting the Vice Presidential candidate. We hope you pick our governor. We want one more chance to vote against him. If he can’t be veep, maybe next time a Republican is elected president, you can make him secretary of Transportation. That would be just about right.

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Aieeeeeeee!!! Allahu Akbar!!!!!!
Oh, and Minneapolis is the heart of the Fifth Congressional District. Last election we sent to Washington a Terrorist Democrat Muslim Congressman named Keith Ellison. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Or just stay over in St. Paul, you’ll be fine.

.

Comments

  1. #1 Stephanie Z
    August 26, 2008

    I could quibble. I’m just hoping this works instead.

  2. #2 Tex
    August 26, 2008

    Greg,

    As a southerner, I find your lack of hospitality shocking. The least you could do for your guests is hire more male hookers for the airport restrooms.

  3. #3 Mike Haubrich, FCD
    August 26, 2008

    Up until years ago there was at least one radical atheist liberal in St. Paul. But he moved to Mounds View. And he didn’t look too freaky anyway.

  4. #4 greg laden
    August 26, 2008

    Oh, yes, there will be resources made available in MSP airport. And extra judges and bailbond services as well.

  5. #5 Tziporah
    August 26, 2008

    Oh, I miss the Twin Cities a whole lot anyway, and now you’ve made me feel even worse. Such a grand and wonderful place.

  6. #6 garth
    August 26, 2008

    The DFL is KILLING US! It’s too much now. We keep bringing, encouraging dregs from Chicago, Gary, and the like, for all our ‘progressive’social programs that only spawn an endless underclass. Our Muslims are growing at a nice self-segragating pace as well. They snear AT us. I use to live in Mpls., now it’s been back to my home town across the river. St. Paul is better, but has also been eaten up by liberalism!

  7. #7 garth
    August 26, 2008

    The DFL is KILLING US! It’s too much now. We keep bringing, encouraging dregs from Chicago, Gary, and the like, for all our ‘progressive’social programs that only spawn an endless underclass. Our Muslims are growing at a nice self-segragating pace as well. They snear AT us. I use to live in Mpls., now it’s been back to my home town across the river. St. Paul is better, but has also been eaten up by liberalism!

  8. #8 Jason
    August 27, 2008

    Great political piece and definitely made me remember what I love so much about Minneapolis. Makes me proud to call that place home and damn near tempted to move back. Almost made me want to cry!

  9. #9 chris
    August 27, 2008

    Don’t forget the U- 55,000 hippies would set off too many GOPer’s screaming “get off my lawn!”

  10. #10 Julie Stahlhut
    August 27, 2008

    When Halloween comes around, people in St. Paul dress up like people in Minneapolis.

    No coffee in my mouth when I read this, for which my keyboard thanks Zarquon.

  11. #11 jeffk
    August 27, 2008

    Fun article, but I don’t know that it’s wholly accurate. St. Paul, with the exception of a little old money along Summit, is quite politically liberal by any measure. Sure, it may lack Minneapolis’ artists, freaks, hippies and hipsters, but it’s not as though they’re electing Republican politicians.

    And I’d go so far to say that a major home of the labor movement in Minnesota is on the Iron Range. As far as I know, congresspeople from the region are borderline socialists.

    The only reliably Republican parts of the state are some parts of farm country and the outer suburbs. And even those are mostly pretty moderate.

  12. #12 Greg Laden
    August 27, 2008

    I carefully avoided saying much about the politics of St. Paul. I don’t know much about it. I work in Falcon Heights after all…

    (Which is really funny if you know the joke)

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