PZ Myers vs. Chuck Norris

Posted by Greg Laden on September 22, 2008
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Inspired by this, I thought we would try this:
i-bc81a4b549b8bcbe51f21b8db1a809b3-PZ_Myers_vs_Chuck_Norris.jpg

You know the Chuck Norris Facts meme, right? With items such as:

Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris swam through land

or

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Well, an (all too quick, possibly) Google search has revealed that the Chuck Norris (oh, you do know that Chuck is a creationist, right?) has not been translated into a PZ Myers meme. And if it has, we’re gonna do it again.

So, ferinstance:

So, what does PZ Myers have behind his beard?

A chin? No! He has another argument against religion behind his beard! Ha!

But I know you can do better. So do it below:

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Comments

  1. #1 Evilutionist
    September 22, 2008

    “PZ Myers destroyed the Periodic Table of the Elements because he only recognizes the Element of Crapping on Creationists…. ”

  2. #2 hank
    September 22, 2008

    The “Z” in PZ stands for Z, not Zoroaster.

  3. #3 arn
    September 22, 2008

    “Chuck Norris does not “style” his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.”

    vs.

    “PZ Myers does not “style” his hair. Period.”

  4. #4 Greg Laden
    September 22, 2008

    “Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.”

    But…

    PZ Myers uses squid for eyes. In that example about the evolution of the eye.

  5. #5 Aaron Golas
    September 22, 2008

    PZ’s zebrafish can model (and thereby help cure) cancer. Too bad he never cries.

  6. #6 Greg Laden
    September 22, 2008

    Submitted via email:

    … Norris’s power lies in his ability to kick you in the face with his feet — but Myers does it with the power of his mind.

    That and the laser eyes.

  7. #7 PZ Myers
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris needs two words to be identified. PZ does it in two letters.

  8. #8 HappyKiwi
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris kicks ass for Jesus,

    BUT

    PZ Myers kicks Jesus’s ass.

  9. #9 eric butke
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris can beat things up. But PZ Myers proves they don’t exist!

  10. #10 owlbear1
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck has been kicked in the head at least 100 times. PZ far fewer.

  11. #11 Scott T.
    September 22, 2008

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

    Vs.

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, PZ Myers instead decided to rusty nail his way out of his mother’s womb. PZ was born with a beard.

  12. #12 HappyKiwi
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris’s mission is to save the free world. But PZ Myers’ mission is to free the saved world.

  13. #13 Scott T.
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris being an outspoken Christian has only one enemy he cannot defeat, PZ Myers in his Eucharist studded armor.

  14. #14 Kristine
    September 22, 2008

    PZ says, “I think this is a case where the black-and-white simplifications of a creationist mind do a far better job of generating catch-phrases than we etiolated intellectual elitists can.”

    Gauntlet. Thrown.

    -Creationists pay royalties to PZ whenever he reviews one of their crap books.
    -PZ knows the square root of negative one. (Okay, and in that vein, Diogenes of Sinope was looking for him, it rains in California when PZ is there, Bigfoot used to be “Bighead” until PZ came along, and PZ messes with Texas.)
    -AGCT and U are reducible to PZ.
    -PZ gets more hate letters than Ken Ham gets applause.

    These are fun.

  15. #15 chancelikely
    September 22, 2008

    Yeah, he’s not quite cartoonish enough for Chuck Norris-style facts.

    Honestly, if we’re going to get into folktales, an Anansi or Coyote model would be much better than the Paul Bunyanesque Chuck Norris Facts.

  16. #16 Josh
    September 22, 2008

    In the time it takes you to read this, PZ Myers will have evolved another penis.

    Life begins when PZ Myers classifies it.

    PZ Myers naturally selected your sister last night. Twice.

    PZ Myers will reduce the complexity of your face if you don’t STFU.

    Chuck Norris prays to crackers; PZ Myers chucks prayers into his crack.

    The Cambrian explosion originated in PZ Myers’ khakis.

    PZ Myers shits Higgs bosons.

  17. #17 Colugo
    September 22, 2008

    Abiogenesis got started when PZ Myers traveled back through time and spit into a puddle.

    Jesus wasn’t crucified – he died when PZ Myers talked him into swallowing his own tongue.

    Jesus rose from the dead three days later when PZ Myers gave him a transfusion of his own blood. PZ Myers let Him live as a test for atheists.

    Chuck Norris was a failed experiment to clone PZ Myers.

  18. #18 T. Bruce McNeely
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris is a God-fearing man.

    God is a PZ Myers-fearing diety.

  19. #19 Nefasto
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
    PZ Myers improved it.

    Chuck Norris know the last digit of PI.
    PY Myers, the last atom of the ribosome.

    Chuck Norris describes human beings as “a sociable holder for blood and guts”. PZ Myers religious being as “a sociable holder for arrogance and denialism”.

  20. #20 Nefasto
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
    PZ Myers improved it.

    Chuck Norris know the last digit of PI.
    PY Myers, the last atom of the ribosome.

    Chuck Norris describes human beings as “a sociable holder for blood and guts”. PZ Myers religious being as “a sociable holder for arrogance and denialism”.

  21. #21 NJ
    September 22, 2008

    OK,

    Chuck Norris and PZ Myers walk into a bar…

  22. #22 Hank Fox
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris is so tough he can survive a direct hit by lightning.

    On the other hand, he can be laid low mentally by a Christian fairy story.

    Which proves that, if you think every problem has a physical solution and you never have to learn to develop your own independent mind, even the toughest guys can be turned into willing slaves of medieval churchy shaman-wimps.

    PZ Myers, on the other hand, is not only smart enough to stay out of the rain, but is also immune to religion. In the modern world, THAT’s the definition of a strong man.

  23. #23 Colugo
    September 22, 2008

    If placed in Schrodinger’s experiment, both PZ Myers live but God dies.

    Just saying PZ Myers’ name can heal wounds caused by Dick Cheney’s shotgun.

    The “demon” in Laplace’s demon and Maxwell’s demon? PZ Myers.

    Not only does God not exist, all of us are merely figments of PZ Myers’ imagination.

    (The Schrodinger’s experiment one is a riff from a ‘Sarah Palin fact.’)

  24. #24 El Prune
    September 22, 2008

    Quite frankly, Wil Wheaton is a better foil for this humour meme.

    http://thisistheonlylieiwillevertell.blogspot.com/2008/09/10-unknown-facts-about-wil-wheaton.html

  25. #25 David Miller
    September 22, 2008

    Walker, Texas Ranger.

    Myers, Sotan Professor.

  26. #26 Steve
    September 22, 2008

    Heh. Sorry, original post was so lame that it doesn’t deserve effort.

  27. #27 Bug
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris is God, and PZ thoroughly desecrated his body. He declined to bite it, though. Can’t say I blame him for that. I mean, look at THAT beard.

  28. #28 Romeo Vitelli
    September 22, 2008

    When the going gets tough, Chuck Norris calls in his stunt double.

    PZ Myers is his own stunt double.

  29. #29 Oskar Kennedy
    September 22, 2008

    Natural selection isn’t random. It checks with PZ to make sure it’s choosing well.

    Damn, this is harder than it looks.

  30. #30 reggie
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris: Abs of steel
    PZ: Abs of… beer?

  31. #31 isaah vincent
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris has only two legs to dispense his own brand of justice. PZ Myers has EIGHT.

  32. #32 Kyle W.
    September 22, 2008

    I believe someone can find a good variation of:

    PZ Myers used to believe in God… until he killed Him.

    There really was a god, until PZ Myers came along and unbelieved hard enough.

    etc.

  33. #33 True Bob
    September 22, 2008

    As I posted at Pharyngula:

    Chuck Norris sells jeans. PZ knows genes.

  34. #34 Sili
    September 22, 2008

    HappyKiwi wins so far.

  35. #35 themadlolscientist, FCD
    September 22, 2008

    ……and let’s not forget the two tentacles!

    PZ’s world is intelligently designed. Chuck Norris’s isn’t. Ironic, huh?

  36. #36 paceetrate
    September 22, 2008

    In this world, Chuck Norris can eat calamari.

    In PZ’s world, the calamari can eat Chuck Norris.

  37. #37 Zeno
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris fights evolution in a martial-arts kind of way by using scientists’ own words against them!

    PZ Meyers fights creationism in an intellectual kind of way by using those same words — but he knows what they mean!

  38. #38 bubuka
    September 22, 2008

    yeah, kiwi’s was the best so far :)

  39. #39 gb
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck consumes the Eucharist so he can continue to nail his enemies. PZ nails the Eucharist to consume his enemies.

  40. #40 Boosterz
    September 22, 2008

    If you make Chuck Norris mad, he’ll hit you. If you make PZ Meyers mad, he’ll feed you to Cthulhu who will devour your body but preserve your brain in an endless nightmare for all eternity.

    Chuck Norris believes that christians will float off into the sky and vanish in the Rapture. PZ Myers WISHES christians would float off into the sky and vanish, but he knows better.

    When Chuck Norris went to the doctor and the doctor told him he had dyspepsia, Chuck Norris hit his knees and started praying. When the doctor told PZ Myers he had dyspepsia, PZ just took a tums and went home.

    The latest thing Chuck Norris has done is to campaign for a crazy young earth creationist. The latest thing PZ Myers has done is make several hundred million catholics all crap themselves in apoplectic rage.

  41. #41 Wikinite
    September 22, 2008

    PZ Meyers is God’s name spelled backwards.

  42. #42 Kinzua Kid
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris exports pain. PZ just evolved the ability to ignore his pain receptors.

    PZ’s has pieces of Chuck Norris in his beard, left over from lunch.

  43. #43 Scott
    September 22, 2008

    Myers performed Scrödingers experiment. When he opened the box, the cat was alive.Pz then proceeded to strangle the cat screaming, “Dont fuck with my expectations!”.

    PZ Myers drank Jesus blood. Literally.

  44. #44 Jimi
    September 22, 2008

    Children check their closets for the boogeyman, the boogyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris and all other creationists check their closets for PZ Meyers.

  45. #45 Benny the Icepick
    September 22, 2008

    PZ challenged God to a fight and won by default.

    Chuck Norris challenged Bruce Lee to a fight and, well…

  46. #46 senecasam
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris eats crackers.

    PZ Myers enrages an entire denomination when he doesn’t eat
    their cracker.

  47. #47 David Marjanovi?
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris’s mission is to save the free world. But PZ Myers’ mission is to free the saved world.

    OK, thread is over. We have a winner.

    and PZ messes with Texas.

    ROTFL!!!

  48. #48 Qwerty
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris exercises his ass while PZ Myers proves Norris is one.

  49. #49 Jim1138
    September 22, 2008

    PZ Myers and Chuck Norris met on a street. Chuck bellows how tough he is, growls, and looks menacing. PZ says “let’s see how hard you can punch”. PZ holds his hand in front of a brick wall and says “punch my hand”. Chuck punches PZ’s hand with all his might, unfortunately, PZ’s hand is no longer there. PZ waits for Chuck to finish sucking on his knuckles… “Wow, you are really tough”!

    A while later, Chuck runs into Jackie Chan who says “I heard you ran into PZ Myers” A smirk crosses Chuck’s face, he looks around for a wall, but there are is none in sight. Chuck holds his hand in front of his nose “punch my hand”.

  50. #50 Jim1138
    September 22, 2008

    PZ Myers nor Chuck Norris can act.

  51. #51 andy`
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck norris may be able to fight squid, but PZ can control them with his mind!

  52. #52 Chris Tucker
    September 22, 2008

    Cthulhu has nightmares about PZ.

  53. #53 C. M. Baxter
    September 22, 2008

    Both Chuck and PZ were swallowed by a whale. Chuck fought valiantly to get out of the whale’s belly for three hours then prayed for another three, all to no avail. Finally, PZ put aside the papers he was grading, stood up and tickled the whale’s gag reflex. He then turned to his exausted rival and asked, “Elevator up, Chuck?”

  54. #54 denise
    September 22, 2008

    PZ Myers’ small intestine is so highly evolved he can shoot it out of his bellybutton and strangle his opponents with his “intentacle”!

  55. #55 Pale
    September 22, 2008

    What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris and PZ Myers?

    Truth that hurts.

  56. #56 another
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck Norris can put the fear of God into you with a roundhouse kick.

    PZ Myers can remove that fear with a zebrafish.

  57. #57 scot
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck has all the brains his god gave him.

    PZ has a brain.

  58. #58 Bezoar
    September 22, 2008

    Chuck is Gay! Way too macho for normal heterosexuality.

  59. #59 Pale
    September 22, 2008

    PZ Myers challenged Chuck Norris into a fight. PZ won. How?

    In theory.

    …

    It is just a hypothesis.

  60. #60 aaron
    September 22, 2008

    PZ Myers knows there’s no God, he knows because he put God on an Eucharist and ate him.

    PZ can sequence a Zebrafish genome just by looking at it.

    PZ made all the Catholic priests celibate just to get them out of the gene pool.

    PZ invented evolution because he didn’t want to have to design everything.

    Global warming is man made, but it’s not from carbon, it’s just PZ getting steamed at creationists.

    PZ and Dawkins once walked into a church, and deconverted a fringe religion.

  61. #61 Ron Sullivan
    September 22, 2008

    OK,
    Chuck Norris and PZ Myers walk into a bar…

    But PZ’s smart enough to duck.

  62. #62 Jack P
    September 22, 2008

    No Contest

  63. #63 HappyKiwi
    September 22, 2008

    I just posted this over at Pharyngula and thought I’d repeat it here in case I’d missed offending someone:

    ————–

    No offense, but you scientists are such…scientists. How is “rational mammalian biped” and even more egregious nerdism going to convince the Chuck Norris fan belt that PZ is a worthy challenger? I’m not saying my contribution is brilliant, but I’d expect it to have some general appeal. Tell you what…you scientists keep explaining us to ourselves and saving the world, and we English academics (who may not be good for much else) will try and make the message marketable. Here’s a limerick:

    “Eulogy for Chuck Norris”

    Now let us all pray for Chuck Norris (creationist),
    Who crusaded for God ‘gainst the humanist atheist.
    Braving hell’s hottest fires,
    He attacked the beast Myers,
    But PZ was the best confrontationist.

  64. #64 Gustav Nyström
    September 22, 2008

    God is dead. PZ Myers killed him.

  65. #65 scooter
    September 22, 2008

    Not a fair fight, Chuck Norris is a mere 6000 years old, no match for a full grown man in his billions.

  66. #66 Pat
    September 22, 2008

    God does not exist and PZ Meyers is his prophet.

  67. #67 Greg Laden
    September 22, 2008

    That would be conphet.

  68. #68 mandydax
    September 22, 2008

    Believers don’t write their god’s name as G-d or Yhwh out of respect; it’s because he commented on Pharyngula once, and PZ permanently disemvoweled him.

  69. #69 Spinoza
    September 23, 2008

    PZ Myers didn’t evolve, Evolution PZ Myered.

  70. #70 Spinoza
    September 23, 2008

    (or PZ Myersed… but it doesn’t have the same ring to it… unfortunately)

  71. #71 Brian G
    September 23, 2008

    Chuck Norris had faith

    PZ destroyed it

  72. #72 Thadd
    September 23, 2008

    Chuck Norris has an internet meme named after him…

    PZ Myers has a comet named after him…

  73. #73 Thadd
    September 23, 2008

    Chuck Norris puts the fear of God into gullible Christians who unquestionably believe in God…

    but

    PZ Myers puts the fear of no God into gullible Christians who unquestionably believe in God.

  74. #74 Thadd
    September 23, 2008

    Chuck Norris will be in any terrible movie he’s offered…

    but…

    you have to lie to get PZ Myers into just a single terrible movie. (Expelled)

  75. #75 Kenny
    September 23, 2008

    Chuck Norris the skull cracker meets his match: PZ Myers the god cracker!

  76. #76 Kel
    September 23, 2008

    The Romans needed two nails to harm Jesus, PZ did it with one

  77. #77 kcrady
    September 23, 2008

    Chuck Norris can beat down the forces of evil with kicks and chops.

    PZ Myers can do it without even touching them.

    —

    Chuck Norris does kicks in bad movies.

    PZ Myers gets kicked out of bad movies.

    —

    PZ Myers called Chuck Norris a furless chimp. Then he proved it was true.

    —

    Chuck Norris trashes fake bad guys in movies.

    PZ Myers trashes fake Gods in reality.

  78. #78 Blork
    September 23, 2008

    PZ Myers is capable of transforming into a gargantuan, many-tentacled monstrosity that devours all who would oppose him. He doesn’t do this though, because that wouldn’t be any kind of rational argument.

  79. #79 ArdRat
    September 23, 2008

    PZ Myers doesn’t trim his beard. PZ Myers pounds the whiskers into his cheeks with a hammer and bites off the ends on the inside.

    Chuck Norris uses a hair stylist.

  80. #80 JohnB
    September 24, 2008

    Chuck Norris uses an axe to trim his beard. (He also admires it for its superior intelligence).

    PZ uses his own wit to trim his beard.

  81. #81 Terri Willingham
    September 24, 2008

    PZ Myers’ beard trims itself when it is not busy beating up Chuck Norris’ beard.

  82. #82 omar
    September 24, 2008

    PZ Myers’ beard IS Chuck Norris’s beard, ripped from Norris’s face with PZ Myers’ x-ray squid vision and transplanted.

  83. #83 Xavier
    September 24, 2008

    “PZ Myers” is an anagram of “Chuck Norris” using multidimensional squid decoder ring encoding

  84. #84 Jay Esposito
    June 27, 2010

    If Chuck Norris THINKS about harming PZMyers, the Earth will swallow him up where he stands, because PZ Earth’s friend.