If you masturbate you will go to hell …

Posted by Greg Laden on October 30, 2008
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… Just like that (snapping my fingers as I say that).

“Do you want to escape Satan’s grip? … It is time for the Lord Jesus Christ to set the captive free…”

Pastor John says:

I vote no on masturbation. … I walked by a whole section of “photography” books at the Walker Art Center last Thursday empowered by the better pleasure of feeling Christ conquer the temptation to look.

Why are we talking about this? Well, the so called War on Wanking, which by the way seems to exclude women explicitly as I read it, the idea that governments are set up to serve as god’s tool for running Earthling society, the idea that this is a Christian Nation, that leaders like Michele Bachmann are key to tying this all together, and that churches need to organize to make sure that anti-wanking pro Jesus candidates are elected, are all wound up together and READY TO EXPLODE!

Details here at Pardongate Update: Anti-Masturbation Crusader’s Letter Mentions Bachmann Donor Craig Howse, on the Dump Bachmann web site.

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  1. #1 Sailor
    October 30, 2008

    If the movie is really about masturbation (I couldn’t handle watching the whole thing) “Do you want to avoid Satan’s grip” seems like the pertinent question.

  2. #2 Stephanie Z
    October 30, 2008

    …the so called War on Wanking, which by the way seems to exclude women explicitly as I read it…

    I only had time to skim that this morning, but I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed.

    I was pondering various theories earlier: (1) Women are all going to hell no matter what they do. (2) It’s just fine, titillating even, for women to masturbate. (3) The dear pastor gives off such creeptastic vibes that no woman has ever had the least desire to talk to him about sex. Thus, his obsesssion with wanking.

    I’m sure there are other good theories, but it’s been a busy morning.

  3. #3 MPM
    October 30, 2008

    Why are these people pro-prostate cancer?

    http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn4861-frequent-ejaculation-may-protect-against-cancer.html

  4. #4 df
    October 30, 2008

    “God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural… fluids.” – General Jack D. Ripper

  5. #5 eddie
    October 30, 2008

    If government is god’s tool, why are religious nutters wanting all the time to play with it?

  6. #6 Jack
    October 30, 2008

    Tha Australian “study” posted by MPM was one of the least scientific studies ever conducted. The results are verifiable nonsense.

  7. #7 george.wiman
    October 30, 2008

    Even James Dobson says wanking is OK. Some people just need to give Satan a bottle of lube before giving in to his grip.

  8. #8 Ryan
    October 30, 2008

    My favorite quote, “Don’t for one minute say you can do this by yourself, because you can’t.”

  9. #9 William
    October 30, 2008

    Favorite quote: “Don’t, for one moment, say that you can do this all by yourself. ‘Cause you can’t.”

  10. #10 Don
    October 30, 2008

    And then there was the penultimate credits screen:
    “COMING SOON”

  11. #11 Pierce R. Butler
    October 30, 2008

    Regardless of anatomy or orientation, those who have sex with themselves, by definition, are having sex with a (gasp!) member of the same sex!

    And that, as Baby Jesus spelled out in Leviticus, is wrong, and leads to a serious case of smiting.

    All true Judeo-Christians™ must stand up against this liberal abomination with both hands!

  12. #12 Markus Bachmann
    October 30, 2008

    She is HOT for God AND a mother of 23.

    EVERY Sperm is SACRED!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0kJHQpvgB8

    Call Bachmann and Associates if you are not Master of Your Domain or
    going to hell with someone of the same sex.
    PS WE have ONE part-time MD who comes in sometimes so we are LEGIT.

    http://www.bachmanncounseling.com/

  13. #13 the real Onan O'Brien
    October 30, 2008

    It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it’s a pretty odd sort of chastity at that…V

    “As an amusement it is too fleeting, as an occupation it is to wearing; as a public exhibition there is no money in it. It has, in our last day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence–among the best bred these two arts are now indulged only in private–though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo upon the fundamental sigh.”

    Citizens for Cocklocks 8==#==o

  14. #14 Kapitano
    October 30, 2008

    I’m amazed no one else has said it. So I will.

    What a bunch of wankers.

  15. #15 Joey Tranchina
    October 30, 2008

    I guess, you don’t have to be crazy to be an Evangelical Christian, but it’s obviously not a barrier. If one begins with ignorance and then compounds that with magic opinions grounded in arrogant assumptions, you’re bound to end up in conclusions that look very much like insanity, to the uninitiated observer. I do dot care what they believe but I do resent it when they use their special perspective to elect real wankers, like Michele Bachmann, to pass laws that would constrict my freedom, based upon incomprehensibly twisted values. And now, at least there’s hope. Scientology is officially listed as the world’s smallest religion, so there will be competition to pick off low-hanging fruit-cakes.

  16. #16 omar
    October 30, 2008

    I guess, you don’t have to be crazy to be an Evangelical Christian

    Bad guess.

  17. #17 Sanity
    October 30, 2008

    So, what’s the problem then? Get a girlfriend/wife and your imagainairy problem seems mostly solved.

    Also, I wonder what those people think about wet dreams. Do they deliver you into “Satan’s grip” as well?

  18. #18 true_freedom_in_Jesus
    October 25, 2010

    The truth is spoken out. Masturbation is sin! It’s homosex as the partner is self. Only through Jesus Christ could we have freedom. Thank you for posting this!

  19. #19 MacTurk
    October 25, 2010

    Satan’s grip? How does that work? A little mutual tugging?

    “The only thing the Lord honours is humility and …and …and brokeness”. A lot of “only”, no? God wants you to be broken?

    “You are the finest creation God has ever or will ever make”. Ah, prophecy! We know the mind of God!

    I also wish to make it clear that you have to do it all by yourself. If you do not, it is not wanking( defined by Woody Allen as “Making someone you love feel very happy”).

    “It’s time for you to pull the clutches out”? I have no idea, Homer, but that man is NOT coming near me!

    Soldiers never masturbate, they prefer rape and pillage? What is this pretentious bullshit?

    On a serious note, are these idiots genuine military chaplains or just dressed up for the War on Wanking?

    And what a load of wank it is indeed.