Chuck Norris vs. Barack Obama

You all remember the PZ Myers vs. Chuck Norris meme. Well, Chuck Norris just wrote a letter to Barack Obama which makes me think we need a Chuck Norris vs. Barack Obama meme. First, the letter from Chuck to Barack (which I have because I was cc’ed, of course…)

Dear President-elect Obama:

First, congratulations on your victory. The historical magnitude of your presidential win is nothing short of stupendous and a colossal fulfillment of the American dream (an achievement embedded long ago in the equality clauses of the Declaration of Independence).

It’s likely no big surprise that I don’t see eye to eye with you politically. Actually, I stand in stark opposition to most of your politics. Still, I realize that we must learn to work together if we are to see our country get back on track. After Election Day, I asked myself, “How can I work for our new president to help better America?” Then a thought occurred to me. The first question that should be answered is: How will you work for me? After all, “We the People” of the United States employ you, correct?

So here are a few ways you might begin to gain the respect of those who oppose you and to show that your campaign pledges to bridge the divides were not empty promises to get you into office. And these requests I make are based upon the inaugural oath you will make Jan. 20, “I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States and will, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.” No doubt these won’t be my only requests through the years, but they serve as a good beginng: — Use and cite the Constitution. If that constitutional oath (“preserve, protect and defend”) is the central duty of your job description, then I assume we will be hearing often from you about exactly how you are doing just that. There is no replacement for strict adherence, application and defense of the Constitution. And it’s high time that presidents quit reciting the presidential oath tritely and then abandoning its tenets when they enter the Oval Office. You should be quoting from the Constitution publicly as often as a preacher quotes the Bible to his congregation — at least weekly. If you take this oath and challenge seriously, you will limit the powers of federal government, reduce taxes (for everyone), encourage the freedom of religion and expression (even in the public square), and stand up for such things as our right to bear arms. The American public and the government have lost their grip on the content and role of the Constitution, but if you daily choose, you can help to re-educate and model its usage for them.

— Protect American life. … bla bla bla …

— Lead more from the center. It’s been pointed out by countless pundits, and your track record is clear: You have one of the most liberal records in the Senate. You’ve had the liberty of voting and fighting for an agenda “from the left” as you’ve tried to persuade state and federal lawmakers to do the same. But if you continue to lead our country down a more liberal road, you will follow the peril of Bill Clinton, who… bla bla bla ….

We will be watching bla bla bla…

One of your 300 million bosses,

Chuck Norris

So far, Obama’s response to this letter, according to a source inside the Obama campaign, was to stand up, and start shuffling back and forth across the room with his shoulders in a deep slouch and his arms swinging in a rubbery pattern, saying “Yezz, bozz … I hear ya, bozzz …. Whatever da bozz sezz, bozz…”

So … let’s have it. It should not be too hard to come up with a few Chuck Norris Style Barack Obama aphorisms …. (see this for guidance)

Comments

  1. #1 ris
    November 13, 2008

    The O in Obama stands for “Oh! It’s Barack Obama!”

  2. #2 sue
    November 13, 2008

    Barack Obama’s main export is not pain.

    (play on Chuck Norris meme: “Norris’s main export is pain”)

  3. #3 Inoculated Mind
    November 13, 2008

    Chuck Norris Killed Hope with a word.

    With a word, Barack Obama gave Chuck Norris Hope again.

  4. #4 Ryan
    November 13, 2008

    Barack Obama’s tears do not cure cancer, but he supports funding of science so we can find a cure.

  5. #5 Joshua Zelinsky
    November 13, 2008

    These are a bit wordy. Someone may want to make them a bit more zingy.

    The truth is that Barack Obama isn’t a really Con Law professor. Barack Obama traveled back in time and wrote the Bill of Rights.

    Barack Obama doesn’t veto bad laws. He just glares at them until they slink back to Congress.

    Barack Obama doesn’t believe in change. He is change.

    Barack Obama never liked Jeremiah Wright’s church but he wanted to give his opposition a fighting chance.

    That’s also why he changed his name from “Barry” and kept the middle name of “Hussein.”

    The dinosaurs weren’t killed by a meteorite. Barack Obama just decided they didn’t have enough hope.

    The ex-gay movement is right at least that lesbianism has a cure. The cure’s name is Barack Obama.

    There are three kinds of men in this world: gay men, bisexual men, and men who have not yet met Barack Obama.

    Sarah Palin isn’t dumb. But whenever she starts thinking about politics she can’t think of anything other than Barack Obama’s hot body.

    God was going to create the world in only 5 days but he took an extra day to get approval from Barack Obama.

  6. #6 Greg Laden
    November 13, 2008

    Those are great, I’ve got a shortened version of only one of them:

    Barack Obama didn’t study the Constitution. He traveled back through time and wrote it.

  7. #7 Nalgas
    November 13, 2008

    Has anyone thought to ask Chuckie if he held Bush to the same standards?

    Oh, come on, he’s such a poser and a moron, it would be fun to watch him squirm!

  8. #8 Flying Embers
    November 13, 2008

    Barack Obama is half a foot taller than Chuck Norris, which I’m sure grinds Chuckie’s gears. Norris claims to be 5’10” but is actually 3 inches shorter. The fact that he lies about his size, and has been doing so all his adult life, tells me he’s got mental issues he should address before trying to solve the world’s problems.

  9. #9 george.wiman
    November 13, 2008

    I was stunned by Norris’ condescending letter. Him lecturing Obama on the constitution would be like Woody Allen lecturing Norris on martial arts.

    Oh, but he’s not done! He also has advice for Obama about leadership style. Obama should be ‘quoting the constitution at least weekly’ the way a preacher quotes the bible.

    And did he imply that Obama must learn to work with him?

    What an ass. What a douche bag. What a poser. He couldn’t be more intellectually flaccid if his brain ate nothing but BK Whoppers 3 meals a day.

  10. #10 anon
    November 13, 2008

    When he goes to bed at night, Chuck Norris checks his closet for Obama’s rationality.

  11. #11 Matt Heath
    November 14, 2008

    It wasn’t bitter, internal divisions that killed the Republican Party. Barack Obama roundhouse kicked it in the face

  12. #12 Ian
    November 14, 2008

    A dictionary definition of ‘chuck’ is “cut of beef between the neck and the shoulder blade”

    A dictionary definition of ‘barracks’ is “any large accomodation in which people are housed and taken care of”

    That’s all you need to know.

  13. #13 Ron Sullivan
    November 14, 2008

    Chuckie baby: After all, “We the People” of the United States employ you, correct?

    [cue Tonto voice]
    What you mean, “We,” white man?
    [/Tonto voice]

  14. #14 draco
    March 22, 2009

    Chuck needs to stick to selling exercise equipment and running his karate schools rather than opening his mouth about politics. Barrack Obama could care less what Chuck thinks.
    And to think people were mad at Tom Cruise for his weird views on scientology. Well Chuck is worse with his right wing, rednecked hillbilly diatribes. While I respect Chuck as a martial artist, I could care less about his political views.