Guys. There may be times when you feel your wife or long-term girlfriend has been sleeping with another man. You may suspect she is even pregnant from this activity, and you are not the father. There is a way to fix this, using traditional medicines and some magic, so that your wife/girlfriend will have a spontaneous abortion if you are not the father of the child. You will need an ancient Canaanite or Hebrew priest to help mix up the concoction, and you have to go find The Lord himself (Plan ahead! He is not always available!) to help out as well, but overall, the procedure is not that difficult.

Below the fold.

11 Then the LORD said to Moses, 12 “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘If a man’s wife goes astray and is unfaithful to him 13 by sleeping with another man, and this is hidden from her husband and her impurity is undetected (since there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act), 14 and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure–or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure- 15 then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah [c] of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour oil on it or put incense on it, because it is a grain offering for jealousy, a reminder offering to draw attention to guilt.

16 ” ‘The priest shall bring her and have her stand before the LORD. 17 Then he shall take some holy water in a clay jar and put some dust from the tabernacle floor into the water. 18 After the priest has had the woman stand before the LORD, he shall loosen her hair and place in her hands the reminder offering, the grain offering for jealousy, while he himself holds the bitter water that brings a curse. 19 Then the priest shall put the woman under oath and say to her, “If no other man has slept with you and you have not gone astray and become impure while married to your husband, may this bitter water that brings a curse not harm you. 20 But if you have gone astray while married to your husband and you have defiled yourself by sleeping with a man other than your husband”- 21 here the priest is to put the woman under this curse of the oath-”may the LORD cause your people to curse and denounce you when he causes your thigh to waste away and your abdomen to swell. [d] 22 May this water that brings a curse enter your body so that your abdomen swells and your thigh wastes away. [e] ”
” ‘Then the woman is to say, “Amen. So be it.”

23 ” ‘The priest is to write these curses on a scroll and then wash them off into the bitter water. 24 He shall have the woman drink the bitter water that brings a curse, and this water will enter her and cause bitter suffering. 25 The priest is to take from her hands the grain offering for jealousy, wave it before the LORD and bring it to the altar. 26 The priest is then to take a handful of the grain offering as a memorial offering and burn it on the altar; after that, he is to have the woman drink the water. 27 If she has defiled herself and been unfaithful to her husband, then when she is made to drink the water that brings a curse, it will go into her and cause bitter suffering; her abdomen will swell and her thigh waste away, [f] and she will become accursed among her people. 28 If, however, the woman has not defiled herself and is free from impurity, she will be cleared of guilt and will be able to have children.

29 ” ‘This, then, is the law of jealousy when a woman goes astray and defiles herself while married to her husband, 30 or when feelings of jealousy come over a man because he suspects his wife. The priest is to have her stand before the LORD and is to apply this entire law to her. 31 The husband will be innocent of any wrongdoing, but the woman will bear the consequences of her sin.’ ”

Source: If ye must ask, ye shall be smitten.

Comments

  1. #1 Dave
    September 27, 2009

    Very good, thanks for that Greg… can you put it on a billboard outside ever abortion clinic? I feel a fundraiser coming on…
    Reason Must Triumph

  2. #2 Pascale
    September 27, 2009

    Was “bitter water” the original working name for RU486?

  3. #3 Karen Stollznow
    September 27, 2009

    I see this not only treats adultery, but also jealousy. The confirmation bias will always be served!

  4. #4 John McKay
    September 27, 2009

    28 If, however, the woman has not defiled herself and is free from impurity, she will be cleared of guilt and will be able to have children though the husband shall sleep on the couch for ages innumerable.

  5. #5 John Swindle
    September 27, 2009

    Is this different from witchcraft in some way?

  6. #6 NewEnglandBob
    September 27, 2009

    Go figure, I broke my last clay jar this morning and the new ones are still baking in the hearth.

  7. #7 Kate from Iowa
    September 28, 2009

    So wait…he’s a jealous ass and she then has to bear an ADDITIONAL curse?

  8. #8 ccc
    November 23, 2010

    you are sick, as well as anyone who agrees with you! it is a criminal!!! you can not decide to induce an abortion for someone else. it is not your decision, but hers. besides, it can be dangerous for her helth.

  9. #9 Stephanie Z
    November 23, 2010

    ccc, I’m guessing there’s a language and culture issue that’s keeping this from being as clear to you as it otherwise might be. The fact that the idea is a very ugly one is part of the point being made.