Is there any such thing as Ex-Gay?

Well, you could be dead, I suppose. But the American Family Association says that you can X-out your gayosity by starting a relationship with Jesus Christ. They don’t specify the nature of the new relationship you’d be having.

Anyway, Joe My God suggests that you Freep this poll.

Comments

  1. #1 NewEnglandBob
    March 10, 2010

    If you are male and start a relationship with Jesus, isn’t that still gay?

  2. #2 6EQUJ5
    March 10, 2010

    My father, born in 1916, was left-handed, which back then was taken to be an act of rebellion. He got whipped and paddled for it in school. They tied his left hand to his belt in back and made him learn to write with his right. He succeeded. When he finished high school, he went lefty again.

    How many ex-lefthanders do you know? Is eye dominance a lifestyle choice? Stuttering? Dyslexia?

  3. #3 puckishone
    March 10, 2010

    @6EQUJ5: Well, I’m left-handed (an ex-righty!) with one blind eye and a stutter. Shall I just lock myself away now? ;)

  4. #4 Martin
    March 10, 2010

    Shit, I’m right-handed but my left eye is the dominant one. I’m going to hell for sure.

  5. #5 cavanaugh
    March 10, 2010

    I’m an ex-straight; I chose to be a gay man. I could have stayed a woman. It would have been the wrong choice, but I could have done it.

    Obviously, this means heterosexuality is curable.

  6. #6 feralboy12
    March 10, 2010

    And I used to believe in stupid crap like religion. But I got better.

  7. #7 JRo
    March 10, 2010

    From here

    “Most importantly: Please advise Mr. Bier that Jesus Christ does not accept others as they are.”

    Wow. Apparently Jesus is kinda a jerk.

  8. #8 Guardian of the Poll
    March 10, 2010

    Oh, I see that PZ Myers is not the only person who encourages the fornication of polls. I have contacted One News Now and have linked this pathetic post to the unusual results of the poll. They now know that the poll hase been fornicated by left wing hate groups.

    Yes people can change. No one is born gay just like no one is born a serial killer. One’s personality and lifestyle choices has much to do with the way they were raised, their surroundings, their parents’s faith/non-faith, whether they were abused as a child, etc. many things playa role into how people behave as adults, but things can change.

    Apparently things like the urges of poll fornication and socialism is not one of the evils that is not easily changed without a little push from the hand of God Himself. Were you born a poll fornicator? Were you born a science teacher? Were you born a math teacher? What makes you think someone was born gay?

    Is is nice, though, to see the nastiness of PZ MYers rubbing off on his axis comrades.

  9. #9 Feral Human
    March 10, 2010

    I am an ex left hander. When I was young I used my left hand for crayons. I later switched to my right hand to write with and remain right handed. Does that make Bi? I doubt it. Silly analogy.

  10. #10 Uncle Glenny
    March 10, 2010

    I’m with NewEnglandBob: having a relationship with Jesus sounds pretty gay to me. Although I suppose it could be one of those things where gender takes a back seat, like necrophilia.

    6EQUJ5: my mother (b. 1930) was a lefty forcibly retrained as a righty, who never reverted. Her ability to draw absolutely perfect block letters as an adult (variously first and second grade teacher) was positively surreal.

  11. #11 Terry Wilson
    March 10, 2010

    @Guardian of the Poll. Doesn’t that show you something: that the readership of this blog (and, of course, the other places where it has been mentioned) vastly outnumber the wittering godbotherers on “one News Now” ?

  12. #12 Uncle Glenny
    March 10, 2010

    Dear Guardian of the Poll,

    I admit it. I chose to be gay, even before I knew what it was. It was just my way of being different, of tempting other guys to beat the shit out of me even though they didn’t because I grew up priveleged and went to schools where that was unthinkable.

    But you got me. I have to admit, I was born a poll fornicator. I can’t remember any time I didn’t want to fornicate polls. Even before I had my toy soldiers commit frottage (since I hadn’t learned sodomy at the time), I was interested in poll fornication. So you got me. If you can help me find a way to stop fornicating polls, even if it involves sublimating my poll-fornicating desires into fornicating Jesus, I’d be appreciative.

  13. #13 Stephanie Z
    March 10, 2010

    You know, I always thought the “Guardian of the Poll” pseudonym was a joke. Who knew that there was actually someone out there who felt a duty to waste their life defending the honor of crappy, biased, unscientific internet polls?

  14. #14 Guardian of the Poll
    March 10, 2010

    Who knew that there was actually someone out there who felt a duty to waste their life tracking down and fornicating internet polls?

  15. #15 Shawn Smith
    March 10, 2010

    I call Poe on Guardian of the Poll. Nice touch to have almost enough typos (e.g. parents’s, MYers, hase, Yes people, personality and lifestyle choices has, playa role) to be convincing, but you forgot to misspell Professor Myers’s [sic?] last name (both times).

  16. #16 Greg Laden
    March 10, 2010

    Shawn, he’s not a Poe. He is a sock puppet, though (appearing twice on this very thread and known elsewhere on this blog by a number of different names).

  17. #17 Uncle Glenny
    March 10, 2010

    Who knew that there were idiots who thought that anyone actually wasted their life tracking down and fornicating internet polls – no doubt because of their own social inadequacies – rather than using the internet as a communication tool for things like, oh, intellectual creation, communication, and the occasional sexual hookup? Have any shirtless pictures to share?

  18. #18 Terry Wilson
    March 10, 2010

    Why? It’s just so much fun watching the fundies squirm.

  19. #19 Shawn Smith
    March 10, 2010

    Greg Laden, thanks for the info. I’m not sure if that actually (dis)proves the Poe rule, though. I sure wasn’t able to tell. But that could be mainly because I’m pretty stupid.

    P.S. Your knee posts are way too interesting and make me cringe everytime I read them. And I have never really hurt either of my knees before. I hope you feel better this year.

  20. #20 Guardian of the Poll
    March 10, 2010

    Socket puppet? I guess that makes opposite of me an underwear puppet right? I am an ex-sock puppet. All hail underwear puppets for poll fornication.

    Yes I have shirtless pictures. I am very hairy and have been mistaken for Bigfoot a few times, but that’ still better than being a poll fornicator and sock puppets smell better that underwaer puppets espceially the ones who carry the occassonal skid mark.

  21. #21 Stephanie Z
    March 10, 2010

    Can someone explain to me how underwear is the opposite of socks? I don’t understand, but that may just be the pain meds.

    Sockpuppet, nobody is fornicating internet polls. For one thing, “fornicate,” unlike “fuck,” is not a transitive verb, so people would need to “fornicate with” a poll. For another, nobody is fucking internet polls. They’re voting, which is what the poll is there for. They’re engaging with the site that hosts the poll, which is why internet polls are put up. And they’re providing their opinions, which is what the polls ask for. In other words, they’re doing exactly what’s being asked of them.

    Now, do you tend to see fornication everywhere, or are polls your particular kink?

  22. #22 Guardian of the Poll
    March 10, 2010

    Fornicate is a better world than the four letter word you used. It basically means the same, but sounds more civilized than your animal like four letter word. Yes, libs do fornicate polls. Just ask the master fornicator PZ Myers who sends his minions on conquests to fornicate everyone’s polls. I think he secretly has a horny theraputic octopus. Send him my regards and his pet octopus.

    Now, if you will excuse me I have to go work on my scientific project that is important and beneficial to mankind, unlike anything i have seen coming from the left these days.

    If you are curious about my project it is simple:

    1) I am taking mass quantities of Colloidal Silver mixing it with Selenium, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, and a few other immune stimulants and using these electriclly infused molecules to water Tomato plants.

    2) I spray the plants using a spray form of Colloidal Silver to insure the planst remain healthy and with fungus.

    3) With my mixture of personally made distilled and triple filtered, non-Chlorinated, non flouride added well water mixed with 22 ppm Silver/selenium, D, E, etc, I will have the healthiest tomatoes known to man. Free of pesticides, free of man made fertilizers, free of soil with lead, mercury, etc.

    4) To sell these tomatoes in mass quantity in areas with high cancer rates, sit back and take note to see if the cancer rates improve over time.

    My next project is Graviola fruit infused with molecular silver and Vitamin D as well as concentrated colloidal zinc and my own homemade colloidal selenium infused directly into the plant itself every day. Of course Graviola is illegal as hell to grow becuase but if libs can sell medical pot, then I can sell medical tomatoes and graviola. Right? I wonder if anyone would like colloidal watermelon/silver jiuce? I should have been a medical doctor. Maybe a brain surgeon.

  23. #23 kevin R
    March 10, 2010

    Can I pass on the relationship with jesus and have a relationship with Mary? I don’t want anyone doubting my hetero cred.

  24. #24 Guardian of the Poll
    March 10, 2010

    Please excuse my misspellings. I get excited over my scientific work. Does anyone here want to buy some Colloidal Silver/colloidal Selenium infused Tomatoes? They are cheaper than the grocery store. Buy 10 get two free! I’ll sell 20 tomatoes for 5.00 and give four free. raviola is more expensive since it toook more time to grow. These plants are not hybrids. They are plant line that have been around for a number of years. I do not beleive in hybrid plants. Save the seeds and growm them again next year in a different location.

  25. #25 Bevis
    March 11, 2010

    heh heh heh — he said “flouride”

  26. #26 swami
    March 11, 2010

    I think Guardian’s snorting his tomato infusions. Notice his rants becoming increasingly incoherent.

    This relationship with Jesus Christ thing – I dunno. Ask Ted Haggard how that’s working out. How about the never ending abuse scandal with Catholic priests? This “relationship” hasn’t seemed to help them much – or their victims.

    This all reminds me of a Southpark episode from season 11 called Cartman Sucks. Butters gets sent away to this special camp where the objective is to “Pray the Gay Away”.

  27. #27 Terry Wilson
    March 11, 2010

    If not a Poe, then the “Guardian” is probably an idiot and also probably a potential poisoner (see http://www.quackwatch.org/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/PhonyAds/silverad.html )
    In other news: the fight back on the vote has begun: they’ve got it to 9:90 now. Maybe by Easter it’ll be 20:80?

  28. #28 Phillip IV
    March 11, 2010

    If you are male and start a relationship with Jesus, isn’t that still gay?

    It depends very much on the specifics.
    If you:
    - come to Jesus: not necessarily gay
    - come on to Jesus: likely gay
    - come in Jesus: definitely gay

  29. #29 MadScientist
    March 11, 2010

    That’s easy – a gay orgy of course! Think about it – 12 men, foreplay consists of washing their feet, he tells them “eat me! drink me!” and Judas kisses him. The fact that jesus was tortured and killed proves that god really hates fags.

  30. #30 Uncle Glenny
    March 11, 2010

    Can I pass on the relationship with jesus and have a relationship with Mary?

    No.

    I don’t want anyone doubting my hetero cred.

    I won’t tell.

  31. #31 azportsider
    March 11, 2010

    I went over to ‘One Neuron Now’ to cast my vote in their ridiculous poll, and the first thing that came up on their site was a picture of Michelle Malkin, which immediately turned me gay.

  32. #32 Joel
    March 11, 2010

    I think he’s really Guardian of the Pole, the guy that gets on spec male prostitutes for the Vatican.

  33. #33 Uncle Glenny
    March 11, 2010

    Tomatine poisoning, obviously.

    azportsider: thanks for the warning.

  34. #34 azportsider
    March 11, 2010

    De nada, Uncle Glenny. We’ve gotta stick together on Malkin warnings.

  35. #35 rob
    March 11, 2010

    It’s not pinin,’ it’s passed on! This gayosity is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet jesus! This is late gayosity! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn’t pinned it to the closet it would be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolical processes are of interest only to theologians! It’s hopped the twig! It’s shuffled off this mortal coil! It’s run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This…is EX-GAYOSITY!

    (bah. you don’t learn everything you need to know from kindergarten. you learn it from Monty Python.)

    and now for something completely different.

  36. #36 george.w
    March 11, 2010

    I wish someone would explain to me how drawing attention to a poll out there somewhere and inviting one’s readers to take part in it, is somehow an unfair use of the poll.

    Of course people on both sides should restrict themselves to a single response. But any poll that leaves that up to people’s good intentions isn’t worth the pixels is inhabits.

    As to what the poll measures in any case? How many people on which sides of the issue found out about it.

  37. #37 Jared
    March 11, 2010

    Another couple of delusions to add to the list which are common among religious zealots:
    Sexual orientation is bimodal (or trimodal)
    Sexual orientation can be consciously modified

  38. #38 Rob
    March 11, 2010

    Seriously, Guardian.

    Colloidal silver makes tomato plants healthy? Does it prevent fungus and viruses?

    You seem to know a lot about gardening, and my tomatoes always get spots and other stuff on them and they get sick.

    Rob Poe

  39. #39 Monica
    March 11, 2010

    Damn. I was too late to fornicate with the poll. Damn, damn, damn! That site seriously creeped me out. They have a new poll which has definitely been designed to provide them with their most desired response:

    What’s your reaction to a school district’s cancellation of its prom following a lesbian’s request to attend and bring her girlfriend? (related article)

    1. The district should be commended for sticking to its morality-based policy
    2. The community should rally behind the district and host a private event
    3. The ACLU should know better than to flex its muscle in the Bible Belt

    That’s not a joke, right? I mean do they know they sound like ignorant redneck hillbillies? If they don’t know it, someone should tell them right away!

    Go Gays! I love teh gays! I am the gays!

  40. #40 Guardian of the Poll
    March 11, 2010

    Your tomatoes may have blight. It is generally a fungal disease. However, this is not always the case. Do you always plant your tomatoes in the same area? Try planting them far away from the previous area. Reemember that you must rotate crops becuase what one crop may take from the soil, another puts something else back.

    Example:

    If you plant cotton every single year in the same spot, eventually the soil will loose critical nutrients even though you may be adding them. If you rotate and pnat sweet potatoes there a year or two the soil then becomes usuable for cotton again. Some plant require more nitrogen than others. Pumpkins and watermelons require large amounts of nitrogen in the soil to mature. Your tomatoes may lack the proper nutrients in the soil. You can take a soil sample to your local university or Agriculture office and they will usually analyze it for free or for a low price and tell you what nutrients are missing. You can then decide wether you need to move your crop or add the nutrients. I prefer to move the crop.

    Silver spray can help control fungus on some plants, though it does not do much for bugs except make them healthier, but it is better than most anti-fungal sprays.

  41. #41 DuWayne
    March 14, 2010

    AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I don’t believe in wasting good fornication on an abstraction like polls, much better to fornicate with a nice warm human. I am, however, happy to put in my vote on polls – it is entertaining. Although there is little as entertaining as some moron coming around and claiming that this is a hate site.

    Mind you Gaurdian, you are the one endorsing a position of hatred and bigotry. No one here is doing that, though a great many of us are supportive of the ex-Christian movement.