Greg Laden's Blog

Finally, the Mayan Apocalypse Explained

In a moment of what may have been trance induced ague, my friend John McKay uttered a few words about Twinkies and the Maya that made a certain amount of sense, but something was still missing. But then it hit me like a loaf of bread. Wonderbread. Which, in Afrikaans, means “Miracle Bread” (you probably didn’t know that). Anyway, look at these two Google Image Search screen captures:

All Mayan sites have these things in them. That is how you tell they are Mayan. No kidding. The earliest Mayan site is defined, literally, as the oldest site with one of these things in it. When these things start NOT occurring on sites, those are "post-Classic" and not really "Mayan" in the, well, Classic sense.


OK, so many of them are laying on their sides, but the are still THE SAME THING.

The Mayan Apocalypse IS the End of the Twinkies. The End of the Twinkies IS the Mayan Apocalypse. It has been right in front of our eyes all this time. Also, in Mayan, the word for “Five Women” is almost the same as the utterance “Hostess.”


  1. #1 John McKay
    Camano Island, Washington
    November 16, 2012

    We may think this is bad, but what about the cockroaches? They were counting on those Twinkies to feed their young after the apocalypse. They must really be freaking out.

  2. #2 Greg Laden
    November 16, 2012

    In the next cycle, there is a nuclear explosion under a volcano and that is where the new Twinkies come from.

  3. #3 John Moeller
    Salt Lake City
    November 16, 2012


  4. #4 John Moeller
    Salt Lake City
    November 16, 2012

    Crap. That was supposed to be:

    <keanu> whoa! </keanu>

  5. #5 Artor
    November 16, 2012

    Fear not for the Twinkies. They don’t have a shelf-life, they have a half-life. Next season of Doctor Who involves a visit to the 53’rd century, when the Silurians discover a secret stockpile of Twinkies and use them in a plot to destroy the surface-dwellers once & for all.

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