Note: Original sent to me by a reader, I rewrote it a little bit.
Dear [feminine hygiene product brand name],
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of “[brand name] Tips for Life” written on it. It was annoying and condescending advice such as;
– Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
– Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
– Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
– Try [brand name] blah blah blah other products.
Obviously, the person behind this little scheme was someone who has never possessed a functioning pair of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman to her face that drinking six to eight glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Especially when she is experiencing bloating from water retention. Just see what happens and report back.
While you’re at it, if you dump the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine, and I guaran-damn-tee that the first responders will be women who just ovulated.
Look, women don’t need or want “Tips for Life” on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing “helpful” crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, most containing alcohol.
Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain annoying, not to mention rude and condescending. Do you think we are stupid? In fact, this is enough to send a girl running off to purchase the other brand names — those that lack your “helpful” advice. If you actually want to do something useful for your customers and foster some [brand name] loyalty at the same time, your boxes of feminine hygiene products should contain free prizes of chocolate and more chocolate, instead of dumbass advice.
Mostly, we’d like to forget that we even need these products. It’s not a fun time, but do not try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or to the packaging. Package the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our shopping carts discreetly and have it blend in with the wine, beer and chocolate. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package sitting in your shopping cart announcing your reproductive status to everyone in the damned store.
The ultimate goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every stage, including the point of purchase. We are as consumers, after all, a captive audience.
So take your “Tips for Life” and shove them right up your arse — and try drinking six to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while you’re doing it!