I have been out of the psychiatric hospital for three months, can you believe it? I hadn’t even thought about it until today, when they conducted their three month follow-up interview.
For those of you who don’t know the story, I was caught attempting suicide early in August, was taken to the ER and then placed in a state psychiatic hospital against my will for four months where I was diagnosed with a rapidly cycling bipolar disorder.
So basically, today was a time of reflection about my previous three months of freedom. It probably wouldn’t surprise any of you to know that the first month was astonishingly lonely. In fact, my life was so desolate that it was downright painful. I struggled almost constantly with the idea that I would go back to the hospital because I was so lonely, without any close friends on the outside. In fact, all of my close friends — my cheering section — are the result of this blog and the people who have contacted me as a result of reading something I’ve written here.
So I got to work on my blog, starting with posting a “word of the day” and an “image of the day” and then, as I recovered, writing pieces for you to read. I finally recovered most of my long-time readers, along with a bunch of new readers as well — all good people who have been there for me, reading, emailing and sending gifts that remind me that I am in your thoughts. That alone is quite a gift to me.
As time went on, life became somewhat easier, even though I still have some fairly abrupt mood swings, but they are not nearly as devastating as they were. Unfortunately, I still have nightmares and intrusive thoughts and racing thoughts and I have days when I think I am something incredibly special (the past few days are an example), as well as other days when I am terrified to get out of bed (much of last week), but it’s all part of the disorder that I am trying to live with.
I also spent this past three months seeking a source for my meds for cheap (or free) — a task that I am still working on.
Fortunately, the doctors listened to my complaints and are changing my meds a little bit; they are substituting Seroquel for Zyprexa. Some of you might recall that Zyprexa, manufactured by Eli Lily, results in extreme weight gain in some 30% of all people who take it, and it also causes diabetes. Seroquel supposedly causes none of these changes, so I am looking forward to the day when I never again take another Zyprexa tablet, especially since it was causing my blood sugar to be abnormally high — and I have no family history of diabetes.
Anyway, as I reflect on these past three months, there has been one thing that I have done during this time that has given me pleasure; writing this blog for all of you. So thanks everyone for reading and commenting and for your kindness and support. It has meant everything to me.