Living the Scientific Life (Scientist, Interrupted)

The Gay Agenda

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I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the “Homosexual Agenda,” but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:

6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 pm Brunch
2:00 pm

  1. Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments
  2. Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle
  3. Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages
  4. Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels
  5. Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership
  6. Bulldoze all houses of worship, and
  7. Secure total control of the internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers

2:30 pm Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 pm Cocktails
6:00 pm Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 pm Theater
11:00 pm Bed (du jour)

Comments

  1. #1 Nick
    May 30, 2007

    damn homie your an idiot
    Its called eqaul rights
    why does it matter what poeple prefer
    like damn
    And where ther hell is the conection to being gay and bringing drugs into this country?
    I have a question where did you grow up, Haiti?
    lol equal right, thats it

  2. #2 eric
    May 30, 2007

    It would appear that Nick is posting from The Land that Satire Forgot! Very funny post.

  3. #3 J-Dog
    May 30, 2007

    Man, I like that schedule! How can I sign up?

  4. #4 nick
    May 30, 2007

    naw dude im from the land where people who are gay get killed for being…gay
    the land of the united states
    the land of the…free
    sometimes free i guess
    I take this shit serously
    I mean if we wanna call it a satire sure, but the message is the same
    am I right?

  5. #5 CCP
    May 30, 2007

    Nick:
    No. Not right. Look up “irony” on the Google.

  6. #6 Violent Acres
    May 30, 2007

    No, Nick is from The Land that SpellCheck Forgot.

  7. #7 nick
    May 30, 2007

    Idk about you guys but weather or not something is a joke, irony, a satire or whatever it still has a message. I mean damn someone on this blog can understand that.
    Lol lemmme ask a question you guys might understand
    Are you religous
    Do you stand for gay rights?

  8. #8 Diane in Ohio
    May 30, 2007

    Stop homophobia…for one, there is no Gay Agenda, and for two, there are so many much more important things to worry about.

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=O-xaZ23qg7Q

  9. #9 nick
    May 30, 2007

    all i got to say is that article was fucked up
    poeple need rights
    thats all

  10. #10 Sharon Beynon
    May 30, 2007

    This is hilarious – even more so given the comments, which appear to show we’re fighting a losing battle against melodrama and ignorance on all sides.

    I can’t imagine a group of people less “stereotypically” likely to have a negative impact on society. Unless being fabulous is a problem?

  11. #11 tbell
    May 30, 2007

    Nick, duuude, relax. This is satire, that means in this case, the OPPOSITE of what it says. That probably means that the poster doesn’t believe in a crazy gay agenda. The poster probably believes that gay people want the exact same basic human rights as straight people. It’s the crazy christian right that believes in the above agenda, and the post is making fun of the crazy christians, NOT gay people. Do you get eeet now my friend?

  12. #12 "GrrlScientist"
    May 30, 2007

    thanks tbell, you are correct. i am making fun .. of those wackos who believe gays are out the take over the world (of course they are not, sheesh).

  13. #13 Chris' Wills
    May 30, 2007

    How does one prepare oatmeal & egg whites?

  14. #14 Sean
    May 30, 2007

    To be fair, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if this popped up on the 700 Club.

  15. #15 Azkyroth
    May 30, 2007

    Nick…

    From dictionary.com

    sat·ire [sat-ahyuhr] Pronunciation Key – Show IPA Pronunciation
    -noun
    1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
    2. a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
    3. a literary genre comprising such compositions.
    [Origin: 1500-10; < L satira, var. of satura medley, perh. fem. deriv. of satur sated (see saturate)]

    –Synonyms 1. See irony1. 2, 3. burlesque, caricature, parody, travesty. Satire, lampoon refer to literary forms in which vices or follies are ridiculed. Satire, the general term, often emphasizes the weakness more than the weak person, and usually implies moral judgment and corrective purpose: Swift’s satire of human pettiness and bestiality. Lampoon refers to a form of satire, often political or personal, characterized by the malice or virulence of its attack: lampoons of the leading political figures.
    Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
    Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

    i·ro·ny1 [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-] Pronunciation Key – Show IPA Pronunciation
    -noun, plural -nies.
    1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.
    2. Literature.
    a. a technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated.
    b. (esp. in contemporary writing) a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., esp. as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion.
    3. Socratic irony.
    4. dramatic irony.
    5. an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.
    6. the incongruity of this.
    7. an objectively sardonic style of speech or writing.
    8. an objectively or humorously sardonic utterance, disposition, quality, etc.
    [Origin: 1495-1505; < L īrōnīa < Gk eirōneía dissimulation, sarcasm, understatement, equiv. to eírōn a dissembler + -eia -y3]

    –Synonyms 1, 2. Irony, sarcasm, satire indicate mockery of something or someone. The essential feature of irony is the indirect presentation of a contradiction between an action or expression and the context in which it occurs. In the figure of speech, emphasis is placed on the opposition between the literal and intended meaning of a statement; one thing is said and its opposite implied, as in the comment, “Beautiful weather, isn’t it?” made when it is raining or nasty. Ironic literature exploits, in addition to the rhetorical figure, such devices as character development, situation, and plot to stress the paradoxical nature of reality or the contrast between an ideal and actual condition, set of circumstances, etc., frequently in such a way as to stress the absurdity present in the contradiction between substance and form. Irony differs from sarcasm in greater subtlety and wit. In sarcasm ridicule or mockery is used harshly, often crudely and contemptuously, for destructive purposes. It may be used in an indirect manner, and have the form of irony, as in “What a fine musician you turned out to be!” or it may be used in the form of a direct statement, “You couldn’t play one piece correctly if you had two assistants.” The distinctive quality of sarcasm is present in the spoken word and manifested chiefly by vocal inflection, whereas satire and irony, arising originally as literary and rhetorical forms, are exhibited in the organization or structuring of either language or literary material. Satire usually implies the use of irony or sarcasm for censorious or critical purposes and is often directed at public figures or institutions, conventional behavior, political situations, etc.
    Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
    Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

    block·head [blok-hed] Pronunciation Key – Show IPA Pronunciation
    -noun
    1. a stupid, doltish person; dunce.
    2. Obsolete. a piece of wood in the shape of a head, used as a block for hats or wigs.
    [Origin: 1540-50; block + head]

    –Related forms
    blockheaded, adjective
    block·head·ed·ly, adverb
    block·head·ed·ness, noun
    blockheadism, noun

    –Synonyms 1. fool, nitwit, dolt, dullard, ignoramus, booby.
    Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
    Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006

    Have we cleared this up now?

  16. #16 Azkyroth
    May 30, 2007

    Figures the damn formatting wouldn’t copy. Ah well.

  17. #17 Gork
    May 30, 2007

    These people are a lot less ambitious, and a lot less worrisome, than the Project For A New American Century.

    See for yourself: http://www.newamericancentury.org/

  18. #18 Boo
    May 30, 2007

    In fairness to Nick, the last time someone created a satirical “gay agenda” the radical right twisted it to attack gay people as if it was serious, to the point that it was actually read into the Congressional Record- minus the first line identifying it as satire, of course:

    http://rainbowallianceopenfaith.homestead.com/GayAgenda.html

    To this day you’ll still sometimes see people in crowds of antigay protestors holding up quotes from it.

  19. #19 Todd
    May 30, 2007

    I just wish the EAC had as ambitious an agenda as the gays. All we want is your children and your pets.

  20. #20 Zeno
    May 30, 2007

    Heck, I first saw that “gay agenda” posted on a friend’s refrigerator over a decade ago. Your version is missing the part that says “be fabulous” while subverting the dominant paradigm during the 2:00 half hour (that’s a busy thirty minutes!). I recall the naughty “du jour” at bedtime, though. That particular friend has since moved to Nevada. I wonder. Do you think the revolution is going well over there? I must call and ask him!

  21. #21 JeffL
    May 30, 2007

    I always thought the gay agenda was a good idea. I’m sure the meetings would be chaotic without it.