GrrlScientist is a female evolutionary biologist, ornithologist, aviculturist and writer. A native of the Pacific Northwest, she relocated from Seattle to NYC with her parrots after earning her PhD. In NYC, she was a postdoctoral fellow for two years, reconstructing a molecular phylogeny of the parrots of the South Pacific islands. GrrlScientist has written a science blog since 4 August 2004 (the early years are archived 
tags: atheism, religion, science, evolution, humor
A reader sent me this list of atheist-positive anecdotes that have been seen either on a bumper sticker or a t-shirt. Of course, they are accurate as well as hilarious. Which ones are your favorites?
Top Fifty Atheist T-Shirt and Bumper Sticker Aphorisms
- Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers
- Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole
- Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry
- Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.
- *There's A REASON Why Atheists Don't Fly Planes Into Buildings
- "Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day." God.
- *God Doesn't Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill People.
- If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?
- He's Dead.
It's Been 2,000 years.
He's Not Coming Back.
Get OVER It Already! - *All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry. Edgar Allen Poe.
- Viva La Evolución!
- Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season
- I Wouldn't Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist
- Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.
- *People Who Don't Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn't Have Such Funny Beliefs
- Jesus is Coming? Don't Swallow That.
- Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!
- GOD - APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD!
- Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK
- *God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus
- God Doesn't Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.
- When the Rapture Comes, We'll Get Our Country Back!
- Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic?
A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom. - You Say "Heretic" Like It Was a BAD Thing
- I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.
- *Science: It Works, Bitches.
- "Intelligent Design" Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987
- I Found God Between The Sheets
- I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent
- My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel
- Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten
- *If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?
- Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia
- *ALL Americans Are African Americans
- *I Forget - Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?
- I Was An Atheist Until The Hindus Convinced Me That I Was God
- The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative
- *If we were made in his image, when why aren't humans invisible too?
- *JESUS SAVES....You From Thinking For Yourself
- *How Can You Disbelieve in Evolution If You Can't Even Define It?
- *Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made?
A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do. - Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex
- I Went to Public School in Kansas and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt and a Poor Understanding of the Scientific Method.
- WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.
- The Family That Prays Together is Brainwashing the Children
- Oh, Look, Honey Another Pro-lifer For War
- *Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony
- God is Unavailable Right Now. Can I Help You?
- When Lip Service to Some Mysterious Deity Permits Bestiality on
Wednesday and Absolution on Sundays, Cash Me Out. Frank Sinatra. - No Gods. No Mullets.
My favorites are starred.
Comments
If God had intended me to go to church, he would have given me a bigger ass to sit on and a smaller brain to think with.
Posted by: Bob | January 14, 2008 4:04 PM
13 is my favorite because it really displays the abuse inherent in indoctrinating children with faith-based belief.
Posted by: Kelly Gorski | January 14, 2008 4:11 PM
Oops! Not 13. 17!
Posted by: Kelly Gorski | January 14, 2008 4:12 PM
Here are my top 12. Great list
1. 26.Science: It Works, Bitches.
2. 32. If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?
3. 39. JESUS SAVES....You From Thinking For Yourself
4. 4. Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.
5. 27. "Intelligent Design" Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987
6. 33. Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia
7. 47. Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony
8. 2. Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole
9. 21. God Doesn't Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.
10. 15. People Who Don't Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn't Have Such Funny Beliefs
11. 41. Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made? A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do.
12. 13. I Wouldn't Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist
Posted by: Lorax | January 14, 2008 4:20 PM
Here's another one:
Militant Atheists: We use words and reason, rather than bullets or planes!!!
Posted by: jstubbs | January 14, 2008 5:09 PM
Don't pray in my school, and I won't think in your church.
Posted by: ow3n | January 14, 2008 6:07 PM
Similar to #32 I always liked one that said, "who are you to question why your god doesn't want me to believe in him?"
I have two stickers on my car: "What schools need is a moment of science."
and my favorite, because it is subtle,:
"Honk if you understand punctuated equilibrium" Living in the deep bible belt south, it is a complete enigma to almost everyone, but occasionally while traveling around the state I have received a honk and a smiling thumbs up.
Posted by: Southern Fried Skeptic | January 14, 2008 6:34 PM
I rather like #43. But overall, speaking as an atheist and thoroughgoing rationalist, I hate bumper stickers. To me, regardless of the topic or political slant, a bumper sticker says "Hey! I'm a smartass and I get all my opinions in pre-digested soundbites!"
Posted by: andythebrit | January 14, 2008 6:42 PM
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Posted by: Jordan, FCD | January 14, 2008 7:27 PM
Hey! If we monotremata are the result of being stoned (#20), what the hell was He taking when He created creationists?
Posted by: Platypus | January 14, 2008 7:51 PM
"If God had intended me to go to church, he would have given me a bigger ass to sit on and a smaller brain to think with."
Guess that explains Star Jones, Oprah,.......
If you also star the first four, then my picks are the same as yours.
Posted by: BaldApe | January 14, 2008 7:55 PM
I'll add one for myself and GrrlScientist:
I don't believe in god. I might be bipolar but I'm not that crazy.
Judging by the way the evangelicals in my family would react if they read this list, my favorite would be #42 "Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex". By react I mean freak out.
Posted by: JPS | January 14, 2008 8:44 PM
Not on a bumper sticker, but too good to not repeat: paraphrasing the late and lovely and much-missed English comedian Linda Smith: "If God had wanted us to worship him, he'd have made it easier by existing."
Posted by: Sam the Centipede | January 14, 2008 11:47 PM
The original No. 26.
On fossils, Terry Pratchett one suggested that God was just playing with the pleistocene. And his explanation for the platypus involved the professors of the Unseen University. Need I say more?
Bob
Posted by: Bob O'H | January 15, 2008 1:19 AM
My favorites:
Get Your Ass to Church! (from Landover Baptist)
When the Rapture Comes, Can I Have Your Car?
Posted by: T. Bruce McNeely | January 15, 2008 2:35 AM
T-shirt from Cafe Press: "Religion is for people who don't understand science." My mother will never see that shirt. I just don't need the yelling.
Bumper sticker: "The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion." (I have two versions, attributed to either George Washington or John Adams, since the Treaty with Tripoli was written under GW-- and overwhelmingly approved by Congress-- and signed by new prez JA.)
Other bumper sticker: "The last time we mixed politics and religion, people got burned at the stake."
Also seen: "God is not a name; it's a job description."
"I went to the Creationism Museum and all I got was stupider."
Posted by: Tina Rhea | January 15, 2008 12:47 PM
Wonder what Ken Miller would think of these two:
What the heck made you think these were accurate?
Posted by: J. J. Ramsey | January 15, 2008 12:52 PM
Wow...I guess I'm the only perv who thought "Jesus is coming? Don't swallow that" was fucking hilarious!
Posted by: Library Diva | January 15, 2008 10:42 PM
J. J. Ramsey;
I suspect he'd find them mildly amusing. Miller is a smart person, and he knows that humor often makes use of hyperbole, over-generalization, and similar methods of simplification.
They are jokes using over-generalization, we all know they aren't accurate.
Posted by: GodlessHeathen | January 16, 2008 6:14 AM
GodlessHeathen: "They are jokes using over-generalization, we all know they aren't accurate."
Our host apparently didn't. To quote her: "Of course, they are accurate as well as hilarious."
Posted by: J. J. Ramsey | January 16, 2008 9:54 AM
Herman Melville supposedly said "I cherish everyones right to their religious beliefs, no matter how comical"
Posted by: Jon Winterling | January 16, 2008 12:18 PM
Posted by: Darby M'Graw | January 16, 2008 3:36 PM
What the heck made you think these were accurate?
J.J. Ramsey did.
Posted by: Reginald Selkirk | January 16, 2008 3:43 PM
If Only All Theists Were This Modest
Posted by: Reginald Selkirk | January 16, 2008 3:48 PM
What a great post!
I don't understand why antitheism isn't becomming more popular. I may not be preaching enough (still not sure of this is my own thing or well-precedented).
Antitheism is the self-consistent set of beliefs where, if God shows up, you still refuse to believe in him, but you do make sure to run over and give a quick kick to God's kneecap.
If God shows up twice, you say, sorry, I only do experiments with n greater or equal to 3.
If God shows up a third time, you say "Look, you weren't here for more than 3 days in a few billion. Your appearance is a statistical outlier and must be discarded like any noise or lab waste."
Jim
Posted by: James Bashkin | January 16, 2008 8:42 PM
Stop Lying to Children Break the Cycle of Religion
Posted by: Mitchbert | January 16, 2008 8:57 PM
ID, intelligent design. The planet is 6,000 years old. Adam's 9th rib became his penis so that Eve could come from it, without a female. Adam, being the most intelligent design of all time has the same heart that a frog has. That's why frogs are studied. Most of Adam's brain is the same as the brain of a reptile. A cardiovascular system that is not as good as most animal. Hyena's and cheetah's cardiovascular systems are designed specifically for them and their lifestyle and is substantially of better design than that of human.Humans are basically a hybrid which doesn't even take the best body parts available for its construction. Just how intelligent is this?
Posted by: bogi666 | January 17, 2008 12:58 PM
Reginald Selkirk: "J.J. Ramsey did."
I realize that was more meant as a playground insult than a serious reply, but I'm not even a representative sample, on two grounds:
(1) I'm only one person.
(2) I'm not a theist.
Now if you really think Ken Miller is too stupid for science, or that there aren't plenty of Christians who think for themselves, then I can't help you.
Posted by: J. J. Ramsey | January 17, 2008 1:33 PM
It is obvious that, in your thinking-impaired state, you are in no position to help me, so please don't exert yourself trying.
Posted by: Reginald Selkirk | January 17, 2008 2:10 PM
@J.J.
It is a post about bumper stickers. It is meant to give us all a chuckle.
That hard thing poking at the seat of your pants... it's a stick. You need to pull it out.
Posted by: Vitis01 | January 17, 2008 2:36 PM
J. J. Ramsey: I think you need a course in basic logic. Suggesting that people who are too stupid to understand science should try religion is NOT the same as saying that all religious people are too stupid to understand science.
Posted by: anne | January 17, 2008 3:00 PM
Keep Your Church Off My Ballot
Posted by: Julie Stahlhut | January 17, 2008 4:33 PM
anne: "I think you need a course in basic logic."
Ah, but we are talking bumper sticker slogans here. The question is not what the slogan means if you parse it carefully, but what it implies to someone viewing it briefly in passing. Indeed, advertisers take advantage of the way that they can imply a message without saying it outright. That's the game being played here.
anne: "Suggesting that people who are too stupid to understand science should try religion is NOT the same as saying that all religious people are too stupid to understand science."
Technically true, but you are only fooling yourself if you don't think the idea is to imply that religious people in general are too dumb to handle science, or just plain dumb, period.
Vitis01: "That hard thing poking at the seat of your pants... it's a stick. You need to pull it out."
I could see a Christian saying that to another Christian who cried foul at a bumper sticker reading "Atheist Day: April 1st (Psalm 14:1)". Or is crude stereotyping only okay when we do it?
Posted by: J. J. Ramsey | January 17, 2008 4:49 PM
I N R I
I'M NAILED RIGHT IN
Posted by: ed | January 17, 2008 6:39 PM
Why are the biggest advocates of intelligent design the best examples against it?
Posted by: mike whalen | January 17, 2008 8:16 PM
Jim, I think the reason antitheism isn't more popular is simply that most people define themselves by what they do believe in or participate in, than by what they don't. I don't knit, for example, and I don't know anyone who does. But we don't get together once a week for "non-knitting night".
There are a lot of people who believe that the brand of fundamentalist Christianity espoused by the Republican party is ruining the country, but those people cover a huge spectrum, including the regular Christians and regular Republicans. Setting that issue aside, though, I think most atheists and agnostics just don't think that much about their nonbeliefs. Most of them just live their lives.
I don't know whether I believe in God or not, but it's not something I give a lot of thought to either way. I figure I'll find out when I die, and until then, there's really no way of knowing. So that's why I'm not and will never be a vocal atheist, antitheist, agnostic, or whatever.
Posted by: Library Diva | January 18, 2008 12:31 AM
But we are all invisible, except when something notices us.
Posted by: Chris' Wills | January 18, 2008 2:22 AM
Library Diva: I'm an atheist and I must say that the idea of antitheism seems a bit strange. Yes - I am anti-organised-religion when it injects itself into my day to day life, but to take a position where I am opposed to an as yet unseen entity is a bit extreme. However, I would say that the god of the Abrahamic religions (as advertised) is a total prick and I can't see any real reason why such a cruel and manipulative entity who behaves like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum is worthy of any respect. Maybe he can tap me on the shoulder and explain himself?
Posted by: Andrew | January 18, 2008 6:09 AM
Speaking of threating children with hell as in number 17:
Check this out.
Posted by: Reynold | January 18, 2008 8:39 AM
"Or is crude stereotyping only okay when we do it?"
To paraphrase an old favorite saying: "Crude stereotyping happens. Live with it, get over it, get on with your life". So no, it's not only okay when "we" do it, it's okay when *anyone* does it, because that's pretty much both the foundation of satire, and the essence of free-speech.
As others have said, the two stickers in question do NOT say, "everyone who is the slightest bit religious is stupid". They DO say, "religion does not require thinking". And that is a fair and accurate statement. That it can be interpreted other ways does not change the fact that the statement - as written - is accurate.
Posted by: Armchair Dissident | January 18, 2008 8:56 AM
Have you ever spoken with him? I have and while his science is solid #39 applies to his stance on religion in more than 1 way.
But he is a really nice fellow.
Posted by: JimC | January 18, 2008 9:33 AM
you know, there are christian scientists. science is not looked upon as useless in how the world works. i just don't believe it worked alone in how the world was created. simply stated, if a "cosmic explosion" can explain my existance, i don't see much purpose for myself. i don't judge others beliefs. i understand that science offers a sense of solidity where my beliefs may not for others, but there ARE other religions in the world with a much more radical following than christianity and i have to wonder why atheism targets only christianity. these slogans i have to admit were somewhat amusing, but insanely ignorant. it's been said a thousand times that religious folk should be more tolerant, i think that should apply to atheists as well.
Posted by: Brandy | January 18, 2008 9:46 AM
my favorite is:
Science: Pretending to understand the way things work for 100 years.
And:
Evolution: The fervent grasping at an explantation for something you cannot explain without large gaps of "theory".
And:
Abortion: Another low self esteem whore gave a little sex in exchange for love, why kill the only good thing that will come of her existence?
And:
Pro-life AND Pro death penalty! It's the simple understanding that the innocent baby should live, and a killer should not. Hard to grasp?
And: Who created the big bang?
And my absolute FAVORITE: The endless universe... Created by nothing from nothing for nothing at all. Hows THAT for a scientific explanation?
Posted by: jaybee | January 18, 2008 9:52 AM
Jesus has risen! Bake at 350 degrees 35 to 40 minutes.
Posted by: Nate McVaugh | January 18, 2008 10:01 AM
@jaybee
If you're going to be bigoted and ignorant, at least manage to succeed at being funny. It helps people to hate you less.
Posted by: vega | January 18, 2008 10:13 AM
these are more anti-christian than they are atheist.
Posted by: p | January 18, 2008 10:21 AM
Made one up: "Oh God! Come out, come out, wherever you are!"
Regardless of your knowledge and beliefs, please be kind to each other.
Posted by: Tolerant One | January 18, 2008 10:22 AM
@46
I agree with you but they are pretty funny if you detract the athiest title from it all.
Posted by: adv | January 18, 2008 10:30 AM
Suggested bumper sticker:
ALL my wives are voting for Romney.
Posted by: Jeff Wagner | January 18, 2008 10:45 AM
@vega: I don't think he's being bigoted and ignorant, just dumb. As for funny, I think I would probably wet myself laughing if I saw any of those on the back of a car, granted I wouldn't be laughing *with* him... ;-)
I particularly like the "Pro-life and Pro-death" quip; it shows the false assumption common amongst so many death-sentence supporters: the assumption that all people convicted of murder are actually guilty...
Posted by: Armchair Dissident | January 18, 2008 11:10 AM
Thanks for the entertaining list.
Here are two more that I've seen:
"Non-judgement day is near"
and
"Religion is merely humanity's attempt to communicate with the weather"
Posted by: danO | January 18, 2008 11:11 AM
Apes evolved from creationists
Posted by: 3milepilot | January 18, 2008 11:47 AM
Since apparently being a picky jackass is in vogue, allow me to point out the blatantly fucking obvious fact that accurate and universally true are not necessarily synonymous.
Posted by: MartinM | January 18, 2008 11:50 AM
Children ask your parents the truth about Santa Claus, then have them explain Jesus.
Religion works by controlling your sexuality, money and fear of death.
If you don't give up you wealth you can't get into heaven. This is why there are some many religious wars. Not because people want to get into heaven, but because the religious leaders want the money! Natures strongest drive is to propagate. Control that and you control the person and their money. You really can buy your way into heaven.
Death, not a problem. Unless you need a promise of eternal life. You will never die, not in 100 years, 1000 years or 1000000...what would you do with eternity? Before you where born you where nothing and after you die you once again become nothing. So for me, I have nothing to look forward to except right now. Living now, every moment counts. Hoping you have eternity to do everything, even if your right, how many times could you stand doing the same things over and over and over...?
Be nice to the people who need religious beliefs, after all its the only way governments can control their actions without using force.
Posted by: Terry | January 18, 2008 12:01 PM
"I N R I
I'M NAILED RIGHT IN"
ed @ #34
Perhaps you're merely attempting to be a provocateur, or I'm missing the joke. Otherwise, I can't imagine any atheist finding that funny. It is, in fact, precisely beliefs about transcendental martyrdom, resurrection, etc., that have led some Christians to revel in the violent persecution of Jesus. If we remove the supernatural framing, what are we are left with (assuming, that is, that this story has any basis in fact)? The death by torture of a local religious figure considered to be linked to a troublesome insurgency in an occupied territory, carried out by an empire bent on world domination. As horrific 2,000 years ago as it is today.
Posted by: anon | January 18, 2008 12:02 PM
We've found the body. Easter cancelled.
Posted by: Peter McGrath | January 18, 2008 12:42 PM
@49: Good one, Wagner!
Your brain is your shepherd.
Posted by: Nogodsnomasters | January 18, 2008 12:49 PM
I can't believe you missed
"Atheism is myth-understood"
Class. And yes, science and religion are mutually incompatible systems of belief. One has superceded the other - the religious *are* too stupid for science.
Posted by: RodriquezSeeds | January 18, 2008 1:09 PM
anon: "I can't imagine any atheist finding that funny."
I can. Heck, I can even imagine some Christians finding that funny. It's just a tasteless play on words. Not my cup of tea, but at worst, it's only tacky. It's not like it's Amos and Andy (which I presume Armchair Dissident would find funny since he said that crude stereotyping is okay for anyone to do :-p).
Posted by: J. J. Ramsey | January 18, 2008 1:16 PM
The majority of "problems" caused by religion are generally created by politicians (who can pervert anything) and "violent extremists" of a given belief system.
The majority of extremists can be classified as "separatists", who are simply annoying (to everyone not in their clique) due to their sense of moral superiority, certainty that they have the "truth" and their desire to avoid, mock or deride those of another faith.
Like it or not, Atheism is a belief system. For all practical purposes, the existence of a God (or gods or whatever) is impossible to prove in a scientific fashion (and proving that something does NOT exist is even more difficult). Like most major religions, Faith is the fuel, belief is the product. After this, we humans fool ourselves into "knowing".
If you _know_ that count(God)==1 AND that folks who disagree are inferior and should be avoided, you're a "monotheistic religious extremist and separatist". You're a simple follower of a popular orthodoxy.
If you _know_ that count(God)==0 AND that folks who disagree are inferior and should be avoided, you're an "atheist extremist or secular separatist". You're a simple follower of a popular orthodoxy.
Whatever you choose to believe or disbelieve is fine. Yay for belief! Once you purport to "know", then you're just being silly.
PS. The list is f*ing hilarious, though some items might serve better in religion-vs-religion wars.
Posted by: Xyzzy | January 18, 2008 1:17 PM
Of course there is a God. But will it blend?
Posted by: Dirk | January 18, 2008 1:32 PM
How about...
"Jesus saves sinners and redeems them for valuable cash prizes" ?
Posted by: Patamon | January 18, 2008 1:49 PM
J. J. Ramsey,
You're wrong. Jokes about torture are not "at worst" tasteless or tacky. They are at worst appalling, particularly in the current political context. The reason I suspected the original commenter of provocation is that posting that as a contribution to a list of atheistic bumper stickers carried the insinuation that atheists, because they don't believe that Jesus was (part) supernatural, died for their sins, etc., would therefore naturally find humor in his torture and execution. There may be atheists and Christians who would find this amusing, and they belong in some category I won't bother to name, but this would have nothing whatsoever to do with their belief or disbelief in a deity or deities. So this is not an example of an atheist bumper sticker.
Posted by: anon | January 18, 2008 1:56 PM
There's one kind of aggresive... but what the heck, they had the Spanish Inquisition :P
"The only church that lightens is the one that burns"
Posted by: Damian | January 18, 2008 2:04 PM
Another great list of anti-establishment quotes:
http://vagabox.com/vagabox01.html
Posted by: dreamslaughter | January 18, 2008 2:08 PM
I find it strange that "internet atheist" spend all their time talking about religion.
Posted by: Cale | January 18, 2008 2:09 PM
"Science: It Works, Bitches" is from the amazingly funny XKCD webcomic, and is available as a t-shirt.
Posted by: Egg | January 18, 2008 2:14 PM
My own:
Men have nipples. Intelligent Design?!
Posted by: Barry McGowan | January 18, 2008 2:41 PM
Science is not a belief.
Science is a method of examining the material universe.
Posted by: Chris' Wills | January 18, 2008 3:13 PM
Wearing any of these slogans on a t-shirt will make you look like rather a dag I think - isn't it rather narcissistic to force soundbite views on others in the street? Though I agree with them.
Posted by: Robert Davidson | January 18, 2008 3:59 PM
Does Jesus believe in dinosaurs?
Posted by: grg | January 18, 2008 4:04 PM
Actually, my fave is a gamer geek riff on #39 that I got from the comments of a blog called Pooflingers Anonymous:
Jesus saves. All others take full damage.
Posted by: twincats | January 18, 2008 4:12 PM