Living the Scientific Life (Scientist, Interrupted)

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A friend sent me this hilarious story, which I rewrote and updated and share with you here.

“I just don’t understand why no one likes me,” exclaimed a confused Mr. Bush.


Washington, DC — Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of April 20, 2008.

This action is being undertaken to save economically-challenged American taxpayers the cost of the President’s $500,000 annual salary, along with a record $9.37 trillion national deficit that Mr. Bush incurred during his last seven year and three month tenure in the office.

It is anticipated that outsourcing the presidency to India will result in taxpayer savings of $1.52 billion per day with a total savings of more $410 billion by the end of the President’s term on 20 January 2009.

“We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,” stated Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who was joined by House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, Senator Charles Schumer and Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney of the Joint Economic Committee.

“We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay,” agreed Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke.

Disenfranchised American taxpayers have overwhelmingly supported this action.

The president was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination.

“How could they do this to me? Who gets fired by e-mail?” Mr. Bush reportedly exclaimed upon being informed of his impending removal from office.

“I just don’t understand why no one likes me.”

Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will assume the office of President as of April 20, 2008. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position.

Mr. Singh will receive a salary of $320 per month, and neither he nor his family will receive health coverage nor any other benefits. In addition to these cost savings, Mr. Singh will handle his job responsibilities without a vice president and without any support staff, thus resulting in a further decrease in expenditures to the American people.

Due to the time difference between the United States and India, Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night.

“Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center,” stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview.

“I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President.”

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem since Mr. Bush was never familiar with the issues, either. Instead, it is expected that Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond confidently and effectively to most topics of concern. Relying on these pre-prepared responses, Mr. Singh will address common concerns without understanding the underlying issues at all.

“We know these scripting tools work,” stated White House Press Secretary, Dana Perino.

“President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about.”

Mr. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary through midnight of his final day of employment on 19 April 2008. Following a two-week waiting period, Mr. Bush will then be eligible for unemployment benefits of $140 per week for 26 weeks. Unfortunately Mr. Bush is not eligible for Medicaid because his unemployment benefits exceed the allowed income limit. However, Mr. Bush’s current health benefits will remain available to him for up to three years if he pays the premiums of $680 per month, thanks to the Consolidated Omnibus budget Reconciliation Act (COBRA) program, which was passed into law by congress in 1986.

Due to the suddenness of his removal from office, congress referred Mr. Bush to the employment services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.

According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to his age combined with his lack of successful work experience during his lifetime. However, while Mr. Bush works on improving his resume, he might be able to get a job at one of the nearby McDonald’s restaurants or Wal-Mart outlets near his home in Crawford, Texas.

Sources

I rewrote and edited this piece as well as updating it, as have others before me. Currently, there are several revised versions of this satirical piece on the web. To the best of my knowledge, the original cannot be found, but several revisions can be read here and the other is here.

Comments

  1. #1 Lassi Hippeläinen
    April 20, 2008

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