Onion News Network

Living the Scientific Life (Scientist, Interrupted)

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tags: Jockey Liam Hollins The Favorite To Brutally Whip Horse to Kentucky Derby Win, horse racing, horses, whipping, humor, funny, satire, fucking hilarious, Onion News Network, ONN, streaming video Fresh from his Blue Grass Stakes win, jockey Liam Hollins moves on to today’s Kentucky Derby where he hopes to be the first to mercilessly beat…

tags: Stouffer’s, frozen microwave meals, single-serving meals, suicide prevention tips, humor, funny, satire, fucking hilarious, Onion News Network, ONN, streaming video Stouffer’s, the company that manufactures frozen microwavable meals, now includes suicide prevention tips on all single-serving dinners whether you enjoy eating your veal parmigiana or beef stroganoff alone.

tags: gorilla, death, mortality, science, humor, funny, satire, fucking hilarious, Onion News Network, ONN, streaming video Tulane University researchers have successfully taught a captive gorilla that he will die one day. The gorilla, named Quigley, is now able to experience the crippling fear of impending death previously only accessible to humans.

tags: How Will the End of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?, newspapers, print journalism, newspaper hoarding, ONN, Onion News Network, comedy, humor, satire, fucking hilarious, streaming video The decline of the newspaper?? Ransom notes, papier-mâché and slacker gift wrapping will never be the same! Worse, what will crazy old loons pack their…

tags: NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018, scientists, geeks, nerds, pencilheads, ONN, Onion News Network, comedy, humor, satire, fucking hilarious, streaming video President Obama recently increased funding to all science organizations, including NASA. According to this news report, it appears that NASA has already budgeted their share of the money to support their…

tags: Green Man, Blue Cat, literature, ONN, Onion News Network, comedy, humor, satire, fucking hilarious, streaming video Good news for those of you who wish to purchase a new book for your friends and colleagues for Christmas: the book, Green Man, Blue Cat has finally been published to rave reviews! The intended audience is children,…

tags: politics, GOP, Rethuglicans, Presidential Candidate 2012, Ronald Reagan, Zombie Reagan, ONN, Onion News Network, comedy, humor, fucking hilarious, streaming video It’s been difficult, but I am so proud of the Rethuglicans for finally finding someone to be their 2012 presidential candidate who accurately reflects their values and mental capabilities so well!

tags: Glenn Beck, comedy, humor, satire, funny, ONN, Onion News Network, streaming video As the grieving mother says, it’s a tragedy to watch Glenn Beck outlive your child.

tags: Obama family, miserable Americans, comedy, humor, satire, funny, ONN, Onion News Network, streaming video This daring news interview with the nations’ top thinkers comes right out and says what we’ve all mumbled under our breath to ourselves in the privacy of the unemployment line: the Obamas are too damned happy! They’re so happy that…

tags: comedy, humor, satire, funny, ONN, Onion News Network, streaming video Here’s the latest development in the anti-smoking campaign aimed at teens: television ads that claim smokers are gay (and of course, no one wants to be gay, right?)