Respectful Insolence

Holy crap! (I mean, literally, holy crap!)

The title of this one made me laugh out loud: Fossilized Feces of Jesus Wreaks Havoc, and the article itself doesn’t disappoint:

The recent discovery of a fossilized lump of human feces believed to have once emerged from the body of Jesus Christ, Son of God, has swept a whirlpool of excitement and controversy throughout the altars of the religious world. The sacred stool was unearthed last month by a construction worker during a hotel excavation project in the vicinity of Nahariya, northern Israel, and shortly thereafter flown to the Holy See where a multi-denominational consortium of primarily Christian religious leaders rapidly convened to examine it and verify its authenticity.

“When I first saw the Sacred Stool of Galilee, of course my immediate reaction was to shout ‘Heavens to Betsy!’,” a flushing Rowan Faulkner, Archbishop of Canterbury, said. “If it can be conclusively verified that the fossilized remains did in fact once belong to Christ, the Jesus Feces will become perhaps the most important sacred relic in the entire Christian world.”

The fossilized remnants were found buried nearly 40 feet deep in a submerged cave in the rocky soil of Nahariya at the future site of the Park Plaza Hotel Nahariya. Religious historians believe Jesus may have used the cave as a private sanctuary to which He could periodically withdraw from the worshipful crowds to move His bowels undisturbed during His long sojourn in Galilee. Small ancient fragments of fossilized parchment found nearby on which are inscribed the words “Uncle Herod’s Bathroom Reader”, support this supposition.

Naturally, the Holy Crap has healing powers:

“If you touch the Sacred Stool,” Thomas Taylor, a bishop of the United Methodist Church and one of the first to examine the relic, said, “you get a staph infection. But touch it again and the staph infection goes away. It’s truly miraculous.”

Read about the controversy this Sacred Stool has caused among many denominations of Christianity.

Comments

  1. #1 ericnh
    November 5, 2006

    I also liked the article “Howard Stern claims fatherhood of Madonna’s Malawi baby”. No wonder people were upset over the adoption.

  2. #2 JohnnieCanuck
    November 5, 2006

    I had to mouse over the links to be sure this wasn’t from the Onion. Somebody has way too much time on their hands.

  3. #3 Lucas McCarty
    November 6, 2006

    Sounds like it was made up; Rowan Williams is the Archbishop of Canterbury unless Faulkner is another name he has that know one knows about.

  4. #4 Orac
    November 6, 2006

    Avant News is a humor site, similar to The Onion.

  5. #5 anomalous4
    November 6, 2006

    Hey hey hey HEY HEY!!!!!!!!!

    Wait just a minute there!

    You’re trying to tell me Jesus POOPED???????

    No way!

    Nowhere in the Bibble does it mention Jesus pooping.

    Just try to tell a little kid that Baby Jesus ever loaded a diaper, or whatever they used to catch baby-bombs in those days. After the requisite “E-E-E-E-E-EWWWWWWWWWW!”, they’ll set you straight so fast, your head will spin.

    Besides, any Catholic will tell you that St. Peter was the first Poop.

    And that’s no s**t.

    p.s. Be careful about saying “Peter” around a little kid. And while you’re at it, be very careful about how you pronounce “P.S.”

    Just 2 brass farthings’ worth from a mom whose son was an incredibly fastidious little kid………..

The site is currently under maintenance and will be back shortly. New comments have been disabled during this time, please check back soon.