Respectful Insolence

Let’s get one thing straight.

There’s just no way on earth that I can imagine topping last week’s Your Friday Dose of Woo. I can only be as good as my source material lets me be (well, maybe a bit better), and Toby Alexander and his “DNA Activation” represented such unbelievably potent, bizarre, and concentrated woo that I can’t imagine that I’ll find its like anytime soon again, much less find something that tops it. Even if I were to find woo more potent than Toby’s, it would probably rend the fabric of the space-time continuum. Of course, given his “multidimensional spectra of DNA manifestation” and extra ten “etheric” strands of DNA, Toby might actually like it if the space-time continuum were disrupted, but that’s another matter. So, although I plan on continuing YFDoW, I can’t guarantee that it will ever surpass last week. Besides, blogging is a marathon, not a sprint; not everything is going to be a masterpiece on par with last week. I may be good, but I’m not that good.

That doesn’t mean, of course, that I won’t keep trying. I just wasn’t sure that I can do it. Nor is this any sort of apology because this week’s woo is in any way substandard. It isn’t, because, fortunately, I happened to be perusing The Second Sight, and I found just the thing for this week. I suppose it’s probably leftover residual from last week that made this particular woo target attractive to me, but this week’s woo will continue in somewhat the same vein, only closer to my usual work. I’m a surgeon, right? So what form of woo haven’t I covered yet that’s related to my specialty?

Spiritually guided surgery, of course. Why deal with pain, blood, and yucky incisions if you don’t have to?

So what is “spiritually guided surgery”? Glad you asked:

Spiritually Guided Surgery is a holistic form of healing that works on bringing the body into balance. Spiritually Guided Surgery can best be summed up as: Healing from Spirit, through Spirit, to Spirit. Unlike other modalities of healing, where energy is generally transferred through the practitioner to the client, Spiritually Guided Surgery involves surgery in the 5th auric level, which is commonly called the Etheric Template. The Etheric Template then becomes the Etheric Aura, which in turn becomes the physical body. We recommend at least two sessions 1 to 2 weeks apart; you will feel the remarkable difference in your health and in your energy

Huh? The etheric template then becomes the etheric aura, which in turn becomes the physical body?

OK, it’s not quite as concentrated woo as DNA activation, but it’s pretty close. What it lacks is the deliciously warped fusing of woo with pseudoscience that Toby dished out. However, what it lacks for in sheer wackiness, it makes up for in fuzzy, feel-good spirtuality and lack of logic. So, who does this surgery? Meet Gene Schafer:

Gene is a Buddhist and highly accomplished massage therapist with an extensive background in and understanding of holistic healing.

He began his healing work after reading the book ‘Jin Shin Do The Acupressure Way to Health’ in 1987 and soon after became a Reiki practitioner at level two and ultimately a Reiki Master.

In 1989 Gene became a Certified Massage Therapist in the USA and later became a Certified Soigneur for bicycle racers, taking his work on the road as a professional masseur to bicycle races throughout the USA and Europe.

Yep, just whom I want doing my surgery, “spiritual” or otherwise, a certified massage therapist! (“What are your qualifications to do this surgery?” “Why, I’m a certified massage therapist!”) Of course, Gene has lots of help. The spirits help him:

At the heart of this process are the Spirit entities. They are beings that are very interested in helping the human race at this time. Many are seeking to be able to help their Host humans as well as other humans through the Spiritually Guided Surgery Practitioner. Learn more about who the Spirit Surgeons are by taking the Spiritually Guided Surgery Workshop.

Of course. If you want to understand this woo, you have to pony up some dough. Like any woo-meister, Gene wants his scratch to let you in on his techniques. But before I’d be willing to do that, I really want to know more about how this technique works. After all, if Spirit entities are going to do some work on me, I’d really like to know how they plan on going about it. If Spirit Surgeons are going to put real surgeons like me out of business, I want to know a bit about how they do it. Wouldn’t you? At the very least, I’d like to have some idea of what they were or what they looked like. Gene, of course, is only too happy to oblige, at least as best as he can:

The Spirit Surgeons appear to me as people. They work at the 5th level of the aura which is about 450 millimeters from your body. It is called the Etheric Template. A template is used to “help shape something accurately” ( Collins Concise Dictionary). The Surgeons create the template of what your body can become in order for you to be in balance. The Template then becomes the Etheric Aura. The Etheric Aura is that which is closest to your body. Which then becomes you. With the Spiritual Surgeons/Healers they work on your entire body.

Wow. 450 mm. Not 500 mm or 400 mm, but 450 mm! Very precise, these Spirit Surgeons.

In any case, that’s some serious, serious woo. On any other week that didn’t follow DNA activation, this would be the most primo of woo. Even so, it’s still really good stuff. So how does Gene actually work with these Spirit Surgeons? Here’s the scoop:

This modality is constantly evolving. The Spiritually Guided Surgeons themselves are continually learning how to improve their techniques. Sometimes the Practitioner ‘sees’ what appears to be lasers, grinding tools, colour energy, polishers or tools that actually smooth the nerves and other mysterious stuff that we don’t have an understanding of at this time. The Spirit Surgeons use no anesthetic of any kind yet there is no pain and no blood loss. Since they are working at the fifth auric level, they can do many more operations in one tenth of the time that our medical doctors do. Results are often felt instantaneously yet some may take a few hours or days to manifest. Taking life easy is suggested by the Spiritual Surgeons for at least a week after a treatment.

Sounds like a lovely way to work to me. No muss, no fuss. Why on earth did I waste my youth, the best years of my life, being tortured in a surgery residency to learn how to do old-fashioned physical surgery when Gene can do lots more “operations” using his etheric Spirit entities than I can working with my hands. Of course, I’m sure it’s much easier just thinking about surgery than actually doing it, but that’s beside the point, particularly if thinking is doing, which is what Gene seems to be saying. It’d be nice, though, if I could just imagine lasers, grinding tools, energy, etc., “healing” my patients. Of course, this begs the question about why Spirit Surgeons would need to use lasers or grinding tools. Orthopedic surgeons don’t even use grinding tools that often. It actually sounds rather brutal. Good thing it’s Spiritual.

I wonder if Spiritual Surgeons have to go through a five year residency working 100 hours a week taking care of sick patients, like real surgeons used to have to do before the advent of the 80 hour work week. (Gene looks too old to have trained since the changeover to work hour limitations.) Of course, given his Spirit Helpers, he could probably pack 100 hours of work into maybe one eight hour day; so a Spiritual Surgery residency would probably be no sweat. He could probably live like the doctors on Gray’s Anatomy, all of whom seem to have lots of spare time to engage in hanky panky with each other. One other thing I’d want to know is whether these guys have conducted any randomized studies of, say, Spiritually Guided surgery versus conventional surgery. How do they know what diseases their “surgery” is good for, for example? Gene does take a stab at trying to explain who does and who doesn’t benefit from his surgery, but, quite frankly, it’s pretty lame:

Why do some people heal and others not?

This is not easy to explain. Some people will get a situation where there body is out of balance. There will be incredible amounts of pain and/or other discomforts. They go see many Doctors, Psychics, and Healers with little or no affect. During this time they are also working on the why, how, where to from here side of their life. Those that ‘get it’ (what ever that means) seem to be able to ‘let go’ of the out of balance condition more easily than those that don’t ‘get it’. I find that the people that get on with their lives with the idea of, “OK I have this, what else can I do?” are able to release their attachment to the un-balance. These people are not in denial of their situation yet they do not let the situation consume them. They do not become their dis-ease. I have seen people ‘let go’ of incredible amounts of pain to only pick it up again 2-3 weeks later. During that time they had absolutely no pain. Yet it returned. I have had a few clients that needed 4-5 visits to get their life into control and change the parameters that were causing the distress to change.

Ah, yes. If you don’t “heal” right away, if your condition recurs, or if it takes longer for you to “heal, it’s your own damned fault. You obviously just didn’t “get it”:

In some situations it [Spiritually Guided Surgery] will stop stuff from happening. Others it stops the continuation of growth etc. In others yet Pain is removed yet the condition is still present. The key to all healing is to realize that no one, no Doctor of Medical history, no Spirit Surgeon-Doctor-Healer, no person has ever healed another person. The client is the one that heals themselves. What happens as I see it and as it has been told to me is the healing by Spirit is presented to the client as if options sitting on a serving tray. It is still up to the client to remove and take on the healing that is offered. This is why we see many people that go around getting healings and only seem to get worse. The healing is offered, yet they do not really wish to heal. There are many others that will only take a taste of a healing to, “see if it works” or not. I think most everyone is aware that human beings do not like change. They will stay in a rut of pain rather than take a chance on making real changes throughout their entire life which is what it might take to get healthy.

Yep, just as I thought. It’s the patient’s fault if this woo doesn’t work. Isn’t it always?

I noticed in all of this discussion, however, that Gene was rather vague about exactly what Spiritually Guided Surgery could do. I didn’t see much in the way of specific diseases that could be treated, operations that could be accomplished, or the results that could be expected, other than a vague promise that you will “feel the remarkable difference in your health and in your energy.” Never mind that warning that the “benefits of Spiritually Guided Surgery may or may not be immediate and perhaps not what the patient might expect.” Come to think of it, I really wish that I could get away with telling patients that if their operation didn’t remove their cancer or make them feel better it was because they just don’t “get it.” Or maybe if they have a complication, I could just tell them that it’s really just a benefit that they didn’t expect. Still, I’m curious just what Gene can do. He’s maddeningly vague in on his own website, but he’s not quite so shy when advertising his wares for the future generations of psychic surgeons that he wants to train:

The Spirit Surgeons can perform actual operations as would normally be performed in a hospital. With Spirit Surgeons doing the surgery there is: No Pain, No blood loss, No recovery time, most often instant results.

And what operations can Spirit Surgeons do?

The Spirit Surgeons can improve the balance of the Body by helping to bring organs, bones, joints to equilibrium. For instance a person with any of the following ailments, Thyroid problems, Cancers, Arthritis Aching joints, Migraines, low back pain, Knee pain can all get some to total relief.

Holy cancer, Batman! Imagine if I could sign me up some of those Spirit Helpers to get rid of my patients’ cancer. But a guy’s got to make a living. How much could I make doing this? A pretty good living, it turns out, namely $60 an hour. True, real surgeons charge more for an office visit and operations, but the obvious advantage of being a Spiritually Guided Surgeon would be that you would have low overhead. Imagine: No hospital privileges, minimal office expenses, since you don’t have to stock it with expensive medicines, bandages, and equipment, and you wouldn’t need more than one or two exam rooms. There are none of those nasty, expensive malpractice premiums to pay, nor do you have to spend money to maintain continuing medical education. Best of all, patients pay, cash on the barrelhead or by credit card. Heck, you might not even need an office. You could do it all from your home or at psychic fairs. Combine it all with distance healing, and you don’t even have to leave your house!

This all just gave me a really wicked idea. Imagine a real surgeon learning from Gene how to do Spiritually Guided Surgery. Imagine someone who actually knows about things like, oh, anatomy, physiology, and disease and how to actually operate. Why, there’d be nothing he couldn’t do! But who? Who would that surgeon be?

You know, I hate myself when I start thinking like this.

Comments

  1. #1 Joe
    November 10, 2006

    I confess to be less than impressed with this guy. The psychic surgery in the Phillipines brings chicken blood and guts into a showier display.

    And, how does one become a highly accomplished masseur? Did he invent the turbo-rubdown or something?

  2. #2 Jud
    November 10, 2006

    “Wow. 450 mm.”

    Yah. That works out to 90mm per level of the aura. Science!

  3. #3 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    November 10, 2006

    I think I’ll be chuckling about this all day.

    In some situations it [Spiritually Guided Surgery] will stop stuff from happening. Others it stops the continuation of growth etc. In others yet Pain is removed yet the condition is still present. The key to all healing is to realize that no one, no Doctor of Medical history, no Spirit Surgeon-Doctor-Healer, no person has ever healed another person. The client is the one that heals themselves. What happens as I see it and as it has been told to me is the healing by Spirit is presented to the client as if options sitting on a serving tray. It is still up to the client to remove and take on the healing that is offered. This is why we see many people that go around getting healings and only seem to get worse. The healing is offered, yet they do not really wish to heal. There are many others that will only take a taste of a healing to, “see if it works” or not. I think most everyone is aware that human beings do not like change. They will stay in a rut of pain rather than take a chance on making real changes throughout their entire life which is what it might take to get healthy.

    I think I’ll send a link of this to my uncle who’s fairly famous endocrine surgeon at Miami U. He’ll get a big kick out it.

  4. #4 familydoc
    November 10, 2006

    I can feel my chakras tingling

  5. #5 snoey
    November 10, 2006

    From the point of view of a healthy prospective patient this sounds like a real good deal.

    60 bucks for somebody to wave his hands near me and I come away with Doctor’s Orders to Take Life Easy for a whole week.

  6. #6 Ken
    November 10, 2006

    In case you had not seen it…

    http://www.pillaroflight.net – for those who like their woo high-tech.

  7. #7 anomalous4
    November 10, 2006

    While he’s otherwise full of [bleep], he does have one thing right:

    DARK CHOCOLATE RULES THE KNOWN UNIVERSE!

    Excuse me, I have to go Feed the Need. Now where did I put that Hershey’s Extra Dark (60% cacao) bar?

  8. #8 khan
    November 10, 2006

    Can any form of woo be described without using the word “energy”?

  9. #9 Shelley Batts
    November 10, 2006

    I feel like such a fool now. I’ve had 4 “traditional” and invasive sinus surgeries, when I could have just had 100 spiritual surgeries in a matter of seconds!

    Orac, you must chronicle this woo. (http://www.rangeguide.net/enhancer.htm) This is some really excellent woo. I was sitting next to a lady on my plane back from Amsterdam who had one of these “molecular enhancers” and was using it all through the flight. It was all I could do not to bust out laughing. When I asked how it worked, she said “It’d boggle your mind.” And when I asked why it wasn’t available for sale in the US she said “Cause all medical schools are funded by pharmaceutical companies and don’t want you to have it. So they can keep pumping us all full of drugs.” Ok…..I just popped an Ambien at that point.

  10. #10 MattXIV
    November 10, 2006

    “The Spirit Surgeons can perform actual operations as would normally be performed in a hospital.”

    I wonder how a Spirit Surgeon would do an organ translplant?

  11. #11 fusilier
    November 10, 2006

    Where was he when Floyd Landis needed him?

    Or maybe he was working for Jan Ulrich?

    fusilier,
    James 2:24

  12. #12 EoR
    November 10, 2006

    What! You mean he doesn’t really do real surgery? But he says he does! These newage types would surely never lie would they? They couldn’t just be in it for the money? Surely not…

    EoR is shocked and surprised.

  13. #13 Amy Alkon
    November 11, 2006

    I’m waiting for the day these people go in for non-invasive spiritual car mechanics. (The technician just waves his hands over your engine and charges you $500.)

  14. #14 familydoc
    November 11, 2006

    Amy , they do that already and tell you that its fixed

  15. #15 Orac
    November 11, 2006

    I confess to be less than impressed with this guy. The psychic surgery in the Phillipines brings chicken blood and guts into a showier display.

    Good point. On the other hand, look at this version of psychic surgery as laparoscopy when compared to the “primitive” Phillipino psychic surgeons. Like laparoscopy compared to old-fashioned open surgery, Gene can claim that his psychic surgery does away with all the blood and apparent plunging of hands into the body. After all, he uses Spirit Surgeons!

  16. #16 Thinker
    November 11, 2006

    Maybe it’s just me wanting to misunderstand or a case of a missing comma, but isn’t he almost flaunting his ignorance in real physiology when he writes the following?

    …smooth the nerves and other mysterious stuff that we don’t have an understanding of at this time

    Nerves aren’t all that mysterious, at least at a basic level…

  17. #17 Alison
    November 11, 2006

    Very cool. I want to ask my doctor if SHE and “stop stuff from happening.” If she can’t, she must not be a very good doctor, right?

  18. #18 anonimouse
    November 14, 2006

    Spirit Surgeons. Sounds like a name of a cheerleading outfit:


    We’ve got spirit surgeons
    Yes we do
    If you don’t heal
    It’s because of you! WOOO!