Respectful Insolence

Woo World Self Treater

Via The Second Sight, I find an example of a tool that, I suspect, many alties will find highly useful: The Woo World Self Treater. It’ll allow you to diagnose yourself free from the boot of big pharma and the oppressive evidence-based medicine that close-minded “conventional” doctors like me advocate.

My results are below the fold:

Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of Temporomandibular Joint Disorder, which is commonly seen among males born under the sign of Leo. This may also be due to alien implants. Magnet therapy has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of Temporomandibular Joint Disorder and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to know are all a part of the environment, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

Amazingly accurate, isn’t it? I’d better have my TMJ treated immediately and then head out for some chelation therapy. While I’m at it, I’ll get my chakras realigned and my qi flows unblocked.

Feel free to post your own results…

Comments

  1. #1 Lorne Dmitruk
    December 8, 2006

    Results
    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of fear, which is commonly seen among males born under the sign of Leo. Reiki has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of fear and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to trust your innate telepathy, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

    Looks like I’m trouble… I think ?????

  2. #2 Emilie
    December 8, 2006

    Here’s mine–I think it means I’m a rabbit:

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of myxamytosis, which is commonly seen among females born under the sign of Virgo. Reflexology has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of myxamytosis and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to open yourself to feedback from the environment, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

  3. #3 Flex
    December 8, 2006

    Oh boy! Plauge-ridden!

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of bubonic plague, which is commonly seen among males born under the sign of Taurus. Rescue Remedy has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of bubonic plague and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to make a friend of ourselves, each other, and Gaia, now, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

  4. #4 doug
    December 8, 2006

    Uh-oh.

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of leprosy, which is commonly seen among males born under the sign of Pisces. Dowsing has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of leprosy and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to know are all a part of the environment, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

  5. #5 Spinning Liz
    December 8, 2006

    Uh-oh. I blew it.

    “You have not specified any symptoms, but a remote telepathic scan has been conducted of your health.

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of distemper, which is commonly seen among females born under the sign of Sagittarius. Strengthening the immune system has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of distemper and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to be at peace, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.”

    Well damn. Distemper! And all this time I was being treated for a stage IV lymphoma. (Note to self: next time, skip the Neulasta and remember to be at peace instead.)

  6. #6 Tanta
    December 8, 2006

    This is quite a feat for someone post-hysterectomy:

    “Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of pre menstrual tension, which is commonly seen among females born under the sign of Scorpio. Energy Balancing has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of pre menstrual tension and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to be at peace, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

    I guess us Scorpios have hot flashes “just because.”

  7. #7 Sastra
    December 8, 2006

    “Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of insomnia, which is commonly seen among females born under the sign of Capricorn. Rectally administered rock salt has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of insomnia and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to nourish your spirit, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.”
    *Based on user testimonials.

    Ooh, this is creepy. Insomnia! I DO have some trouble staying asleep. What are the odds that could have been random chance? Oh? I guess no amount of evidence would be enough to convince a skeptic.

    Still – rectally administered rock salt? Other people got to make friends of themselves, play with magnets, or receive food rubs (reiki). What a gyp.

    Might I be allowed to ‘nourish my spirit’ with chocolate, though?

  8. #8 Alison
    December 8, 2006

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of Cerebellar Developmental Delay, which is commonly seen among females born under the sign of Leo. Reflexology has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of Cerebellar Developmental Delay and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to deeply consider where you are, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

    Cerebellar Developmental Delay? WTF?? I’m a little confused about how putting stuff in my colon will help develop my cerebellum. It’s fun seeing how many of us may have autism. Maybe we can form a club!

  9. #9 Calli Arcale
    December 8, 2006

    I put in the symptoms I’ve been getting now that I’m almost 36 weeks pregnant. It apparently thinks they mean I have arthritis. (As it happens, I do, but I didn’t say anything about that.) I don’t think I’ll be trying the rectally administered rock salt, though….

    It’s a funny site, though. I especially like the invocation of “quantum”. :-P

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of arthritis, which is commonly seen among females born under the sign of Cancer. Rectally administered rock salt has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of arthritis and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to know every individual and each condition is different, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

  10. #10 alphabitch777
    December 8, 2006

    Looks like I’ve come down with a case of women’s health issues, which are apparently common for multigender entities born under the sign of Taurus.

    And I might have autism too!

  11. #11 MattXIV
    December 8, 2006

    “Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of depression, which is commonly seen among males born under the sign of Virgo. Ear Candling has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of depression and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to don’t listen to negative thoughts, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.”

    I actually have depression, so Woo World has its testimonial now!

  12. #12 stogoe
    December 8, 2006

    “Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of hypochondria, which is commonly seen among males born under the sign of Libra. Rectally administered rock salt has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of hypochondria and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to open yourself to feedback from the environment, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.”

    Just say no to Rock-Salt colonics. And I’m about as far from a hypochondriac as one could be, I imagine.

  13. #13 Lab Cat
    December 8, 2006

    I laughed so much when I got my results I scared the cat.

    For symptoms I put “headache”:

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of faecal fistula, which is commonly seen among females born under the sign of Aries. Meditation has been shown to be effective in relieving the symptoms of faecal fistula and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to be excited to be living in this amazing period in history, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

    I assume it says everyone who has been vaccinated is at risk of autism.

    FYI when I did it with no symptoms I had myxamatosis, with stomachache I had leprosy and with laughter I had indigestion.

  14. #14 llewelly
    December 8, 2006

    So it’s best that

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of MRSA superbug, which is commonly seen among multigender entities born under the sign of Gemini. This may also be due to alien implants. Shiatsu has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of MRSA superbug and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to acknowledge the healer is within you, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.
    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

    It’s extremely accurate, but, as I explained in the box provided, I am very happy happy with my symptoms – the Aliens, the MRSA Superbug, and I, are ecstatic about our relationship.

  15. #15 llewelly
    December 8, 2006

    Somehow I inserted extraneous mystery text into my previous comment (damn that alien implant …) . What I meant was:

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of MRSA superbug, which is commonly seen among multigender entities born under the sign of Gemini. This may also be due to alien implants. Shiatsu has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of MRSA superbug and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to acknowledge the healer is within you, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.
    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

    It’s extremely accurate, but, as I explained in the box provided, ‘I am very happy happy with my symptoms – the Aliens, the MRSA Superbug, and I, are ecstatic about our relationship’.

  16. #16 natural cynic
    December 8, 2006

    I fed in the classic symptoms of diabetes: thirst, frequent urination, weight loss, changes in vision

    Lo and behold my problem was anxiety.

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of anxiety, which is commonly seen among males born under the sign of Scorpio. Shamanic drumming has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of anxiety and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to don’t listen to negative thoughts, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Maybe I should be anxious about having diabetes. Or maybe the anxiety is due to thinking about colonic irrigations.

  17. #17 Murray Bowles
    December 8, 2006

    “I have a wart on the end of my nose”

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of stress, which is commonly seen among males born under the sign of Libra. Angel Therapy has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of stress and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to understand happiness depends on knowing your inner community, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

  18. #18 ChopraFan
    December 8, 2006

    “Quantum-consciousness?”

    Ask Deepak Chopra.

    “Some very famous neurologists adopt the common-sense approach, declaring that the mind is real and precedes the brain. I would point readers to Wilder Penfield and Sir John Eccles (the latter won the Nobel Prize for his work on synaptic activity). He is the author of the famous phrase, “God is in the gap.” In other words, molecules aren’t the source of intelligence; something we can’t see operating in and among our brain cells is.”

    The God Delusion — Answering Responders

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deepak-chopra/the-god-delusion-answe_b_35875.html?p=2#comments

  19. #19 double-soup tuesday
    December 8, 2006

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your personal omniverse shows you are suffering the symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia, which is commonly seen among males born under the sign of Aquarium frequenting blogs. Mutual partner masturbation has been shown to be effective when combined with Zyprexa* in relieving the symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to open your intuition, psychic and heart chakras, and commence green tea colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a neuromancer or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism, bipolar disorder or just a severe case of furry obsession.

    Damn, that’s the second time this week Teh Internets diagnosed me with paranoid schizophrenia. There could be something to it.

  20. #20 idlemind
    December 8, 2006

    I apparently have a case of “God only knows,” treatable by “Angel Therapy.” Asking again (with the same inputs) I have “Feline AIDS” which is treated with “Radonics.”

    Just keep pressing the button to run through the possibilities.

  21. #21 EoR
    December 8, 2006

    Who needs testimonials from satisfied users? I’ve got a compliment from Choprafan. At least, I think it’s a compliment…

  22. #22 richard blaine
    December 8, 2006

    Note to Sastra and Calli: I’ve been told to go pound sand before, but ROCK SALT – now that would be bad!

    Laughed so hard that I woke my significant other…

  23. #23 ThomasHobbes
    December 8, 2006

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of distemper, which is commonly seen among males born under the sign of Cancer. Flower essence therapy has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of distemper and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to open your intuition, psychic and heart chakras, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

    –Apparently, I can look forward to a slow and lingering death from rabies. All because I’m male, a Cancer, and have been vaccinated. Damn.

  24. #24 anomalous4
    December 9, 2006

    toxin overload….. cerebral insufficiency….. blocked qi….. midlife crisis….. “men’s health issues, which is commonly seen among females born under the sign of Cancer”….. curdled mammary glands….. homosexuality (pass the rock salt)….. faecal fistula….. excess qi….. trapped wind….. humours of the brain….. bubonic plague…

    Suddenly I feel like the patient in a typical episode of House.

  25. #25 Joe
    December 9, 2006

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of my auric field shows I am surrendering to entropy, and I can expect to achieve equilibrium within a few decades, which is a common failing for those born under the sign “keep off the grass.”

  26. #26 Tanya
    December 9, 2006

    Does anyone know where I can find a holistic dentist? Seems this is the cure for hypochondria…

  27. #27 Empty Book
    December 9, 2006

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of mid-life crisis, which is commonly seen among females born under the sign of Pisces.
    (emph mine).

    I’m Twenty One!

  28. #28 Nes
    December 9, 2006

    No, Tanya, you’ve got it all wrong!

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of hypochondria, which is commonly seen among males born under the sign of Aries. Magnet therapy has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of hypochondria and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to be at peace, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

    *Based on user testimonials.

    Magnet therapy treats hypochondria!

  29. #29 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    December 9, 2006

    WOOOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    SCORE!

    IN YOUR COLLECTIVE FACES!!

    I have been diagnosed with the golden fleece of Woo.

    Results
    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of autism, which is commonly seen among males born under the sign of Leo. Bowen therapy has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of autism and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to be at peace, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

    Now who’s holding the Chelation Agents?

  30. #30 James
    December 9, 2006

    Nes: “Magnet therapy treats hypochondria!”

    That’s odd, I thought homeopathy was the normal treatment for hypochondria, a fake treatment for fake symptoms.

  31. #31 Antiquated Tory
    December 9, 2006

    I put down a chronic sense of ennui as my symptom and got this:

    Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of ebola, which is commonly seen among males born under the sign of Aries. The Quantum Xrroid Consciousness Interface machine has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of ebola and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to understand happiness depends on knowing your inner community, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

    Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

    *Based on user testimonials.

    OH NO NOT EBOLA.
    I wonder if anyone using this actually doesn’t realize it’s a joke?

  32. #32 Fragano Ledgister
    December 9, 2006

    Apparently I have insufficient qi and need equine assisted therapy. Since I’ve been vaccinated, I also should contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to see if I have autism. LOL!

  33. #33 Fragano Ledgister
    December 9, 2006

    Apparently I have insufficient qi and need equine assisted therapy. Since I’ve been vaccinated, I also should contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to see if I have autism. LOL!

  34. #34 Alison
    December 10, 2006

    Be careful, though. I have a feeling that equine therapy of the wrong kind might lead to faecal fistula!