Respectful Insolence

Like most people, I like making money. True, it’s not the main goal of my life (otherwise I definitely wouldn’t be in academics), but, all in all, it’s better to be comfortably off than to be poor. And, as I’ve said before, although I could make more in private practice, I don’t do too badly as an academic surgeon. I can afford a decent house, a nice car, computers, and gadgets, and still save for retirement. Of course, key to that is not spending beyond my means, as some at my income level somehow still manage to do, but wouldn’t it be nice if you could access forces and powers that would–shall we say?–direct a bit more of the green stuff your way? We’re not talking doing anything illegal here. Oh, no. Would Orac lead you astray that way? Of course not!

Woo can help you make money. No, I’m not referring to the fact that selling woo can make you a lot of money (although that is certainly true), but rather to a stupendous new crystal that I’ve become aware sold by a company called Life Technology, which bills itself as the “world’s leading researcher in the fields of Alternative Health, Alternative Medicine, Alternative Therapies, Rife, Radionics, Psychotronics, Psionics, Homeopathy, Alchemy, Subtle Energy Therapies, Metaphysics, Kabbalah, Magick, New Age Subjects, Self Help, Hypnosis, NLP, Spiritual Technologies, Ormus, Orgone, Orgonomy, Free Energy and related areas of Alternative Science.” As the company website states:

Life Technology™ was established in 1993 as an holistic therapies practice with the aim to conduct research into several related fields of subtle energy medicine. Our aim is to evaluate new treatment methods in vibrational energy medicine and to further develop and evolve these healing technologies. Our vision is to enhance the quality of human life through adoption of safe ,natural and effective holistic therapies. Our mission is to improve human health through the application of innovative subtle energy technologies.

For more than 10 years, Life Technology™ has been manufacturing, prescribing and supplying homeopathic/herbal remedies backed by a qualified professional consultancy service. In recent years our field of research has widened to incorporate other cutting edge methods from the dynamic and diverse fields of vibrational energy medicine and progressive science.

With a pedigree like that, how can you go wrong? So how can this woo help you–yes, you!–make money? Oh ye of little faith! Have a look at my absolute favorite woo product among a prodigiously woo-ey lineup of products offered by Life Technology: The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet Professional Version 1.0™ (a.k.a. The Ultimate in Financial Abundance Engineering Technology™).

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I first became aware of this amazing crystal in a roundabout way, though my fellow skeptical blogger (and host of the next Meeting of the Skeptics’ Circle), EoR at The Second Sight, where he was discussing another of Life Technology’s products, the Atlantean Power Crystal™, a bit of woo so amazing that I was initially annoyed that EoR had found it first, thus leaving me the choice of sloppy woo seconds or leaving such premium Grade A prime woo unmolested.

Fortunately for me, Life Technology has more than enough woo to go around for an entire meeting of the Skeptics’ Circle, as this description of The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet Professional Version 1.0™ shows:

Here at Life Technology™ we have had a substantial number of enquiries from existing users of the very popular and hugely successful Psychotronic Money Magnet™, asking us if we could create especially for them a Super-Sized and Super-Powerful version. Up until this time, the only Super Sized and Super Powerful Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Has been sitting on the CEO, Aurum Solis’s desk and for obvious reasons we were very reluctant to part with that particular Money Magnet because it was responsible for the observed vast increases in company profits between the year 2000 and today. However, since so many enquiries and requests have been received, we have decided to offer this “Professional Version” to the public for the very first time in 2006.

The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 is not only ten times larger than the original version (500grams approx in comparison to 50grams), but as a consequence of charging this massive chunk of beautiful clear quartz crystal for one full lunar cycle (28 days) IT IS WITHOUT A DOUBT THE MOST POWERFUL VERSION OF THE PSYCHOTRONIC MONEY MAGNET™ EVER CREATED!!! To avoid unnecessary waiting times, we keep several specimens in stock at our laboratory. Storage inside a 6 foot pyramid guarantees optimal charge retention characteristics.

Ah, lots of capital letters and exclamation points, one sign that we’re dealing with some real woo here. I particularly savor the image of all these crystals sitting within 6 foot pyramids, in order to keep them charged with whatever “subtle energy” it is that supposedly gives them their power. Of course, it’s hard to resist mentioning that the reason that Aurum Solis’ Super-Sized and Super Powerful Psychotronic Money Magnet™ works so well at pulling in money for Life Technology hand over fist is because there are so many creduloids willing to believe that a crystal can make them money, too–and can accomplish this feat by doing something like this:

Psychotronic generators are devices said to be capable of storing subtle energy. The nature of the energy stored is still not understood, but over the years a number of observations about its effects have been reported. It can be reflected, refracted, polarized, and combined with other forms of energy. It creates effects similar to magnetism, heat, electricity, and luminous radiation, but is itself none of these. The energy apparently can be conducted by paper, wood, silk, and other substances normally considered to be good insulators. It is widely recognised that the Soviets are at the forefront of medical and parapsychological research and Psychotronic generators have been tested by commissions of experts from the Czechoslovakian Academy of Sciences and the University of Hradec Kralove in Prague.

Psychotronic Generator is a term which was introduced by Russian Psychotronic Research. At the present time, there are only two companies in the world who are actively engaged in the innovative research and development of Psychotronic Generator Technology. The companies involved are Life Technology™ and Tim Rifat.

The Psychotronic Generator™ is charged and programmed using The Solis Method™ patented By Life Technology™. The Solis Method™ utilises the toroidal power of implosion, orgone energy, phi harmonics, tensor fields, sonics and ultasonics, visible and invisible light spectrum energy and, most crucially, utilises a specific ancient and powerful Kabbalah formula to encode an intelligent archetypal energy template within the crystalline matrix of The Psychotronic Generator™.

In fact, the Ultra-Advanced Psychotronic Magnet Professional Version 1;.0™ is but a subset of the Psychotronic Generators sold by Life Technology, the others including Radionics; Magick and Psychic Powers; Spiritual Protection; Luck And Success; Optimal Health And Healing; Anti-Aging; Increased Longevity And DNA Repair; Soulmate Love, Romantic And Sexual Love; and Joy Peace And Happiness. Financial woo is but a subset of the woo here.

But how, pray tell, does the Ultra-Advanced Psychotronic Magnet Professional Version 1;.0™ result in more money coming your way. (We already know how it results in more money heading Aurum Solis’s way.) Why, glad you asked, pardner:

The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 utilises a specific frequency, 7.83Hz which is the natural ‘Schumann’ frequency of the planet. This frequency simulates the delta brainwave of the human mind and thereby acts as a carrier wave to convey the archetypal information into the subconscious mind, the sphere of causal engineering, ie consciously creating and manifesting ones desires.

The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 acts by establishing a new pattern of financial abundance in the subconscious and subtle energy fields of the user by harnessing the lifeforce and wealth enhancing powers of the Hebrew letters of the Kaballah. It is widely recognised in esoteric science and by experts in ancient languages such as James Hurtak and Stan Tenen among others that Hebrew letters through their specific mathematical structural geometry contain information that encodes life force energy, ie it provides an intelligent template for natural creative forces. It is these magical creative powers of The Kabbalah that we harness and focus in the preparation of The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0

[...]

Essentially, when the intelligently programmed matrix of The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 interacts with the conscious will of the operator it causes subtle changes to occur in the microcosmic universe which translates to manifestation in the macrocosmic universe (real world).

i-1110bce922013e23b0da599673ced6bc-moneymagnetpro.gifIt all sounds so simple when put in those terms, doesn’t it? At least now I know how Madonna probably makes her money these days. Obviously, given her conversion to Kabbalah, she must be harnessing the life force- and wealth-enhancing powers of the Hebrew letters through their specific mathematical geometry. And I bet you thought she just made lame music and did intentionally “shocking” routines in her show. Well, you’re wrong.

You know, looking at this woo, I think I’ve finally found something that rivals DNA Activation for pure, unadulterated, wacky woo-iness. I mean, it has it all: New Agey religiosity related to the “life energy” or “earth energy”; “subtle energy fields”; intelligent archetypal energy; orgone energy;phi harmonics; tensor fields,sonics and ultrasonics; and, best of all, the toroidal power of implosion. (I just love that last term; maybe I’ll find a way to adopt it to “real” medicine. The “toroidal power” of imploding chemotherapy, perhaps? Or maybe I, too, could learn to use this crystal to realign tensor fields, subtle energy fields, and phi harmonics. After all, I already use ultrasonics in breast surgery. Well, boring old ultrasound, anyway. And it works by well-established scientific principles, unlike the Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet Professional Version 1.0™.

But what about skeptics like me? I mean, what about guys who are total buzzkills when it comes to woo like this? Apparently we are no match for the Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet Professional Version 1.0™:

The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 facilitates the upgrading and replacing of negative subconscious beliefs with positive ones.

The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 is so powerful in fact that it will over-ride the belief system of the most hardened sceptic, and will reverse the mindset of the most pessimistic belief system.

The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 will naturally induce a theta state in the user’s mind as it alters reality to make money, wealth, abundance and affluence etc. more probable. The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 is charged with the specific financial abundance and wealth creation programming described above ,or it may be programmed with your own specific intention. On request, Life Technology™ can create a Lifetech Psychotronic Generator™ to generate any operational trend field which will facilitate the materialisation of any wish.

Any wish? What is this thing? A genie in a bottle or something?

So how much for this amazing crystal? How much would you pay for all these wondrous things? Well, lucky for you, Life Technology has a special offer:

Each individually created Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 is priced at $899.95. As a special bonus, we are supplying an Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Micro Version 1.0 pendant worth $89.95 free of charge with every full sized Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 purchased.

They also have a “Nano” version, too, just like the iPod nano. (Apple marketing infiltrates even woo-meisters, I guess.)

I guess my question about all of this is: If these crystals work by increasing the probability of wealth coming your way, how effective is each one? I mean, if for example the original Psychotronic Money Magnet increase the likelihood of money coming your way by, say, 10%, does that mean that the Nano version only increases it by 5%, or that the Professional Version increases it by 50%? Is the power of these crystals proportional to their volume? How is all this amazing energy locked into the crystal structure? Scientifically inquiring minds want to know!

Of course, we already know the answer to one question. We know that these crystals are 100% effective at separating suckers from their money and enhancing the wealth and earnings of Life Technology.

Comments

  1. #1 tim gueguen
    February 16, 2007

    At least you get a crystal out of the deal. With a “therapy” I just came across, BodyTalk, all you get for your money is tapped on the head. You don’t even get any pills or amything to take home with you. http://tinyurl.com/2flauq

  2. #2 MJ Memphis
    February 16, 2007

    Do they also have a Psychotronic Chick Magnet?

  3. #3 BioLogical
    February 16, 2007

    Interesting post:

    Why Evolutionary Biology Embraces the Bogus (Part 1)

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deepak-chopra/why-evolutionary-biology-_b_41385.html

    Excerpts:

    “Recently quite a few stories have appeared in the media touting new explanations for such diverse things as altruism, generosity, and music. These complex matters, we are told, can be traced to the brain, which is dependent upon genes, and genes in turn dependent upon evolutionary biology. Thus one reads articles with headlines like “Are You a Giving Person?”

    “A neurologist holds up an MRI of the driver’s brain and locates impaired activity in the motor cortex. A cell biologist detects minute alterations in sugars and enzymes in the liver. A quantum physicist calculates the amplitude of the probability curve that collapsed to produce neurotransmitters in the synaptic gaps of the driver’s cerebrum.”

  4. #4 Jonathan Dobres
    February 16, 2007

    Are people seriously making money off of this? It reads like a Jackson Pollock painting of woo: a little bit of everything makes for a beautiful mess. Unbelievable.

    And the name? Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet Professional Version 1.0™? Reminds me of the Super Happy Fun Ball (“DO NOT TAUNT SUPER HAPPY FUN BALL”).

    In all seriousness, I’d pony up the $90 if it could alter reality to melt ice for me.

  5. #5 mark
    February 16, 2007

    Wow.
    So much bullshit in one place.
    Is this what Benny Hinn uses? Like the homeopathic “medicines,” these objects must contain concentrations of energy so subtle that they cannot be detected. So, I suppose I can go to the beach and pick up a pile of crystalline quartz grains and the cash will start flowing in.

  6. #6 Maronan
    February 16, 2007

    Hm, the money-making crystal is a good idea, but I’d rather get into the homeopathy business. There’s fewer business expenses that way, since water is already paid for with tax money; thanks to this, homeopathy is actually more of a money maker than the crystal.

    *reads whole post*

    Oh. Wait. Say, can I get a report of how many of these crystals they sell? I might want to buy stock in that company! The scam industry can be quite lucrative.

  7. #7 Orac
    February 16, 2007

    Oh. Wait. Say, can I get a report of how many of these crystals they sell? I might want to buy stock in that company! The scam industry can be quite lucrative.

    See, the crystal is working its power already–for Life Technology!

  8. #8 Flex
    February 16, 2007

    Hmmm,

    Makes me wonder what the 0.8 version did?

    And when the 1.3 upgrade is coming out?

  9. #9 Greco
    February 16, 2007

    Prosperity Woo.

    And I suppose “subtle energy” has that name because, no matter how hard you look, you just can’t find it.

  10. #10 Sastra
    February 16, 2007

    On request, Life Technology™ can create a Lifetech Psychotronic Generator™ to generate any operational trend field which will facilitate the materialisation of any wish… Each individually created Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 is priced at $899.95.

    For some reason I am entertaining fantasies of ordering an $899.95 Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet and requesting that they please generate an operational trend field for me which will facilitate the materialisation of money for purchase of a nice new refrigerator, nothing fancy. Thank you gentlemen very much.

    I would enjoy visualizing them wrestle with whatever remains of their consciences as they wonder if they should point out the obvious. Naw…

  11. #11 Brian
    February 16, 2007

    I think that people that are peddling stuff this out there have to be laughing every time somebody buys one of their Super Powerful Cash-o-tronic Crystals (tm, of course). I would be. I would hate myself for selling something like that, but I really wouldn’t be able to stop laughing at somebody who apparently needs money yet is willing to spend $900 on a crystal.

  12. #12 Steve Watson
    February 16, 2007

    The Solis Method™ utilises the toroidal power of implosion, orgone energy, phi harmonics, tensor fields, sonics and ultasonics, visible and invisible light spectrum energy and, most crucially, utilises a specific ancient and powerful Kabbalah formula to encode an intelligent archetypal energy template within the crystalline matrix of The Psychotronic Generator™

    (and much more in similar vein)

    Geez, if I were trying to write a parody of woo-speak, I don’t think I could come up with anything better than the above — they’ve pretty much maxed out the gobbledygook, and hit every base except qi (it’s also nice to see that the work of Wilhelm Reich hasn’t been forgotten). It’s hard to believe this isn’t a newage equivalent of Objective Ministries. I have this image of the folks (assuming there’s more than one) at LT deliberately and cynically pushing the envelope of absurdity in their advert copy, just for fun, to see how outrageously silly they can make it, and still have suckers send in their money.

  13. #13 Yojimbo
    February 16, 2007

    Ah yes, Life Technology. One of my personal favorites – a true paragon of woo-osity. Don’t forget their H2X, the scalar enhanced water. If my math is right, these guys are selling water at a touch over $22,000 a gallon. And I thought Desani as bad :)

  14. #14 Feral Kitten
    February 16, 2007

    “world’s leading researcher in the fields of … Psionics”

    Wait, you mean like psionics?

    Personally, I never really liked mixing sci-fi into my fantasy…

  15. #15 stogoe
    February 16, 2007

    Psionics in sci-fi is treknobabbled magic, plain and simple. I don’t mind stripping out the jargon and plopping it down in fantasy as just another source of spells. YMMV, of course.

  16. #16 Blessed Kitten
    February 16, 2007

    Psionics in sci-fi is treknobabbled magic, plain and simple. I don’t mind stripping out the jargon and plopping it down in fantasy as just another source of spells. YMMV, of course.

    I know. My comment was supposed to a subtle joke around an equivocation on “fantasy”.

    I don’t really have a problem with psionics as a sci-fi or fantasy trope. However, unless someone really wants to play a psionic character, I’d prefer to leave it out of a Dungeons & Dragons game for the sake of simplicity.

  17. #17 DuWayne
    February 16, 2007

    Blessesd Kitten -

    I’ll ssecond the leaving it out of D&D. Talk about a great way to slow down a game to the pace of the proverbial snail. That said, I rather enjoy them in novels, if for no other reason, than I really like the scifi-fantasy crossovers.

  18. #18 Martín Pereyra
    February 16, 2007

    Note they talk about Soviets (and perhaps Czechoslovakia) as still existing. Or maybe is the toroidal power of implosion.

  19. #19 Saint Gasoline
    February 16, 2007

    MJMemphis, they do make a psychotronic chick magnet, and it is known as me.

    I will send you a lock of my hair for only three easy payments of $19.99. And I’ll throw in a psychotronic pregnancy-avoidance crystal, to boot. You’ll need it for all those chicks.

  20. #20 llewelly
    February 16, 2007

    I will send you a lock of my hair …

    Throughout most of my teens and most of twenties, I had shoulder – to waist length hair. I combed and brushed it till it was long and silky, with pretty highlights. Women of all ages said all sorts of nice things about out, and would reach out and touch it often enough to make me feel uncomfortable.

    I think it got me 1 date.

  21. #21 Captain Flux
    February 16, 2007

    Alas, I can’t afford the USD$899.95 for The Ultimate In Financial Abundance Engineering(tm) Technology. Besides, I’m an Enlightened Being, and have no use for Vast Material Wealth. However, I DO want to increase my retention of chi/prana/orgone from the luminiferous ether, the better to reprogram and repair my DNA, fight aging, clear my body and mind of negative energies, and shield myself from psychic attack.

    Fortunately, the good shepherds at Life Technology have this wondrous product available for a Special Introductory Price of only USD$89.95! It seems to be a wide-spectrum, multi-purpose, wearable woo generator of the highest order. If you don’t believe me, check out this totally independent review of the AMAZING Tesla Purple Energy Shield(tm).

    WARNING: Do NOT attempt to open the Tesla Purple Energy Shield(tm) to investigate the Top Secret Mechanism within. You may break the device, or even worse, release a potent stream of captured tachyons from their atomically altered, lost cubit, anodized aluminium chamber! You don’t need me to tell you that the consequences of catching that stream right in the face MAY BE CATASTROPHIC!

  22. #22 ZPM
    February 16, 2007

    The U.S. Air Force has, of course, known about Atlantean Power Crystals™ for years.

  23. #23 Joshua
    February 16, 2007

    I particularly savor the image of all these crystals sitting within 6 foot pyramids, in order to keep them charged with whatever “subtle energy” it is that supposedly gives them their power.

    Sounds like somebody took the term “pyramid scheme” a bit too literally…

    Also: Esoteric science? Where does one go to major in that? ;)

  24. #24 Renee
    February 17, 2007

    Pretty funny. I wonder if any of the buyers of this stuff check out the disclaimer at the bottom of the Life Technology webpage:

    “Disclaimer

    In accordance with FDA regulations and the laws of The USA we must state the following: Products and equipment supplied by Life Technology™ are on the cutting edge of technology in the field of holistic healthcare. However, these products are intended for research purposes only, no medical claims are stated or implied. Descriptions used are subtle energy references only and should not be interpreted to apply to physical conditions. The products and equipment supplied by Life Technology™ are not designed to be used in diagnosis or treatment, rather they are designed to make muscle testing remedies only.

    None of the statements in this or any other pages at this website should be construed as claims or representation that this or any of the products or services from Life Technology™ are offered for the diagnosis, treatment, mitigation, cure or prevention of any disease. The products services and statements presented at The Life Technology site have not been evaluated by the FDA. “

  25. #25 Dunc
    February 19, 2007

    Well, at least someone’s been reading their Crowley:

    But how much gold will you give me for the Secret of Infinite Riches?
    Then said the foremost and most foolish; Master, it is nothing; but here is an hundred thousand pounds.
    This did I deign to accept, and whispered in his ear this secret:
    A SUCKER IS BORN EVERY MINUTE.

    [A. Crowley: Book of Lies, Ch 88]

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