With nearly 20 months to go before the election itself and 10 months before even the first primaries, I’m already bored with the Presidential election of 2008. None of the current candidates does anything for me. One’s a total lightweight who’s in no way ready to be President, and I utterly loathe two others. My reaction to the rest ranges from mild dismay to downright ennui.

Now it’s gotten interesting (or at least entertaining, with the potential for many jokes). Remember Jonathon Sharkey, a.k.a. “The Impaler,” the friendly Satanist who ran for Governor of Minnesota on a platform of impaling criminals and his enemies?

He’s back, this time throwing his hat (such as it is) into the ring for the office of President:

On a stormy rainy night on April 2nd, 1964 in Elizabeth, in the state best known as the Crossroads of the American Revolution, a fierce warrior and fighter was born.

(Figures. He was born in Jersey. In fact, it appears that he lives in Jersey now.)

In 2006, while America was under attack by terrorists, criminals, and ruled by politicians who care more about their own political party and major campaign contributors. An American warrior for the people came forth, just like other New Jersians did in past-times of our country’s great need, to help the innocent, the wrongly persecuted, those of different faiths, beliefs, lifestyles, dreams, and ambitions.

This American is defying the establishment, and will not coward down to the Christian Right Wingers,
nor to the Muslim extremist.

This Patriot has already received more national and international media exposure than any unknown third party candidate in American political history, after announcing on Friday the 13th January, 2006 that a new deal would take office as Governor of Minnesota in 2007, where his Pagan Wife was born and raised.

This American vows to instill fear into those who brutally attacked our great nation on 9-11, as well as criminals who prey upon the weak, the innocent, the elderly and children, by Impaling them for their unlawful actions.

Unfortunately, an enemy from The Impaler’s past, along with other Republicans decided to attack Impaler. Hence ending the quest of becoming governor. But like a true warrior, The Impaler fought back and won. To some, The Impaler is immortal. The Impaler is not just a warrior, a Sanguinary Satanic Vampyre, a Hecate Witch, a lover, but is above all – a “Real American.”

In 2008, there could be only one for President of America.

May it be – Jonathon “The Impaler”

The sad thing is, Sharkey actually looks considerably more appealing than most of the current candidates. That’s not to say that Sharkey is any less loony; it’s just a sad commentary on the current crop of candidates.

So, what will The Impaler do for you, if he’s elected? Easy:

Since Muslims cannot control their own people (bin Laden, al-Qaeda members and other radical Muslim groups), Jonathon will drop Hades’ Bombs on Mecca, leveling it to the ground. Just like bin laden did to our Twin Towers.

Jonathon says; “Osama bin Laden and his followers are just like their (false) prophet Muhammad. They’re nothing more than BITCHES! Hence, Muhammad is the (false) prophet of BITCHES!

The Impaler will end the domestic terrorism that spreads messages of hate and violence against Americans. Jonathon along with his Death Dealers will end the reign of terror caused by the Ku Klux Klan, the Church of Satan and the Nation of Islam. They will also put an end to police brutally. The Los Angeles and the Speedway Police Departments (IN) are a prime example of American “KGB” police tactics. Jonathon and his Death Dealers will execute every officer of these departments, and let their blood cover the streets they are suppose to protect, instead of terrorize. Americans will not have to fear these or any groups/departments that abuse Americans and/or promotes hatred.

Jonathon will support Stem-Cell research and medical advancements to help cure those who suffer from diseases along with other medical problems. Jonathon DOES NOT support Abortion upon demand – Abortion to be used as a form of birth control. Only in cases of rape, incest, or the life/health/well-being of the mother, does Jonathon support the use of Abortion.

As an Ordained Satanic Dark Priest, Jonathon is allowed to perform marriages. He will not only allow Same-Sex Marriages, but will perform them at least once, if not twice a month at The White House.

Jonathon is also appalled by the statements made by Venezuela President Chavez while at the UN. Jonathon feels Chavez insulted Lucifer by saying Bush was the Devil.

The Impaler wants to bring Camelot to Americans, and give every American an equal share of the pie.

Jonathon knows the pain of being a victim of; domestic terrorism, criminals, abuse of government and police powers. No other government leader or candidate can say that. This will enable him to institute laws that will address these problems. Of course, being “The Impaler,” Jonathon will viciously Impale those convicted of these atrocities.

Of course.

In any case, his platform is here. Particularly amusing is his plan to send his Death Dealers into Pakistan to capture Osama bin Laden, so that Sharkey can IMPALE him at Ground Zero (sorry, just mimicking Sharkey’s capitalization). I will admit that Sharkey has a bit of style and that the thought of impaling Osama bin Laden at ground zero to punish him for his crimes has a certain appeal; however, we generally don’t do things that way here in the U.S. for very good reasons Of course, for Sharkey, Osama bin Laden would be just the beginning. He actually has a rather long list of people that he plans to IMPALE if elected, including Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Fidel Castro (although given that he’s not doing so well these days one wonders: why bother?), and, apparently, George W. Bush, whose blood he promises to drink. (His inclusion of Bush on the list of his impaling list, amusingly enough, won Sharkey a visit from the the Secret Service, who, not unexpectedly, did not look kindly on his promise, regardless of whether it was serious or not).

Lest you think that Sharkey is totally blood-thirsty, though, I do have to point out that he does have a merciful side:

PLEASE NOTE: If any women who belong to a group scheduled to be executed are pregnant at the time, they will NOT be executed!

What a guy, eh? Sounds like any women on his list should get busy later next year, to assure they are pregnant by January 21, 2009.

Ah, well. Loony as he is, he has the potential to liven up what promises to be a painfully earnest, dull, and, most of all, long race. By the time it’s nearing the finish line in 2008, many of us may be asking Sharkey to take his impaling pole and deliver us from the misery.

ADDENDUM: Looks like Sharkey has a blog, too.


  1. #1 Lyc
    March 13, 2007

    Interesting…does the US have some sort of ‘basic criteria’ for people who throw their hat into the political ring (such as having a pulse, being sane, older than 6, etc) or is it a free for all?

    The catch though is that if the other canditates are inexperienced/dull/whatever, this freak may get the some of the ‘donkey vote’ (You vote for X because of novelty value or the others are as useless as screen doors on a submarine).

  2. #2 Ahistoricality
    March 13, 2007

    Oh, I just had to follow the Death Dealers link…. the music just makes the page perfect, I think, in a way that the funky spelling does enhance, and the background image….. well, it has to be seen to be believed.

    On the other hand, you have to commend the guy for having a substantive and untriangulated platform!

  3. #3 wolfwalker
    March 13, 2007

    Qualifications for President, as given in the US Constitution:

    * Natural-born US citizen
    * At least 35 years old
    * Term limitation: the same individual can’t be elected to the presidency more than twice

    That’s all, there ain’t no more. No requirement that he/she be solvent, sane, or have no criminal record — although in practice, one would expect that having a serious criminal conviction would be a disqualification, and at least one presidential campaign was effectively ended by the news that the guy’s chosen vice-presidential candidate had a history of mental illness.

  4. #4 anonimouse
    March 13, 2007

    He’s got my vote. In fact, I’m going to see if I can volunteer for his campaign RIGHT NOW~!

  5. #5 Jonathan Dobres
    March 13, 2007

    “As an Ordained Satanic Dark Priest, Jonathon is allowed to perform marriages. He will not only allow Same-Sex Marriages, but will perform them at least once, if not twice a month at The White House.”

    I’m sold.

  6. #6 KeithB
    March 13, 2007

    While those are the constitutional requirements, you do have to file in every state to be put on the ballot, and there may be additional requirements for that: petitions, nominal filing fees, etc.

  7. #7 Wes
    March 13, 2007

    Jonathon is also appalled by the statements made by Venezuela President Chavez while at the UN. Jonathon feels Chavez insulted Lucifer by saying Bush was the Devil.

    Funny. 😀

    But this makes me think this guy’s “campaign” is just an elaborate joke. A funny one, though.

  8. #8 Coin
    March 13, 2007

    Personally, I do not think we can put much trust in third party candidates. Much as we may wish things are otherwise, the two party system has entrenched itself pervasively into our political process, and third parties will simply not be viable in American elections until such time as changes are made to our electoral process to accommodate them.

    Thus, rather than squandering our efforts on third party candidates such as Jonathon Sharkey, I think it is generally more fruitful for those who do not feel represented by the Republican or Democratic parties to work within the two party system anyway, by supporting non-mainstream challengers within the Republican and Democratic primaries. Of particular interest in the 2008 Presidential elections therefore is Saint Michael Jesus Archangel, Republican candidate from Michigan:

    STATUS: ANNOUNCED CANDIDATE. This gadfly candidate — who also uses the name “Saint Michael Jesus the Archangel” (note: formerly named Philip Silva until he legally adopted the Archangel moniker in 1996) — appears rather delusional. “From the time I was a little boy I knew I was God and Michael the Archangel, but I didn’t dare tell anyone, not even anyone in my family because I knew that the devil, Satan, was going to try to murder Me, and indeed he did try, four separate times,” he explains. He says he’s a Vietnam War veteran who attempted suicide due to depression and paranoia. He also claims he later became a “a volunteer Secret Agent for the Central Intelligence Agency without pay.” A former janitor, he is a self-employed “writer” these days. As for politics, he describes himself as a “radical conservative Republican” who recognizes “the fact that America is an official Theocracy.” Archangel was arrested on attempted murder and other felony charges in March 2006. “As a matter of fact, he is crazy. Anyone in their right mind can see that,” said the Sheriff who arrested him. You can find lots and lots of very long pages of his bizarre writing on his official website: ArchangelMichael.info (you’ve got to scroll down very far on the homepage to find the link to his Presidential campaign and his autobiography).

  9. #9 SarahBeth
    March 13, 2007

    Ah, just elect Dave Barry. He’s been running so long, doesn’t he deserve a chance?

  10. #10 Infophile
    March 13, 2007

    Ah, Coin. Thanks for proving that comment bots have a sense of humor.

  11. #11 Marc Mielke
    March 14, 2007

    Because I’m horribly emotionally immature, the line “They didn’t even ask to see my Impaling Stick” made me giggle all day.

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