Respectful Insolence

As a male, this bit of woo from Serbia causes me pain just to contemplate it. I’m not sure if it’s true or not because–well–I have a hard time believing that anybody can be this stupid. It has the whiff of urban legend about it. However, one underestimates the stupidity of men in their quest to solve sexual problems; so it’s possible that this is true. Just don’t tell Bora; I don’t know if he could stand that this happened in Serbia, if it actually happened:

A Serbian man who went to a witchdoctor in search of a cure for premature ejaculation rather foolishly took the shaman’s advice, viz: have sex with a hedgehog.

You know the rest: Zoran Nikolovic, 35, from Belgrade, ended up in the hospital with severe lacerations to his wedding tackle, according to Ananova. A hospital spokesman said: “The animal was apparently unhurt and the patient came off much worse from the encounter. We have managed to repair the damage to his penis.”

Ouch! But it gets even “better”:

We contacted a member of the International Association of Witchdoctors this morning for a comment. He told us: “This demonstrates the dangers in consulting unlicenced witchdoctors. We advise anyone with ejaculatory disfunction to consult our list of approved practitioners.”

“Consulting an unlicensed witchdoctors”? They actually license witchdoctors in Serbia? And I thought the acceptance of woo was out of hand right here in the good ol’ USA. Actually, to me I see no difference between “licensed” or “unlicensed” witchdoctors. It’s all woo.

Of course, if you’re having trouble with premature ejaculation, the “licensed” witchdoctors have a remedy for you:

On the matter of premature ejaculation, he added: “Mix one teaspoon of powdered ocelot spleen with Red Bull under a full moon. Drink one hour before attempting penetration while sitting in a pentacle formed by toad skulls. Then, when you’re on the job, think about the mother-in-law and filling in tax returns.”

If he means the energy drink Red Bull, then I see great potential for a fantastic advertising campaign.

Comments

  1. #1 ben
    May 1, 2007

    Bloody hell, “the whiff of urban legend”? Do we have to sacrifice our senses of humour to scepticism?

    “Mix one teaspoon of powdered ocelot spleen with Red Bull under a full moon. Drink one hour before attempting penetration while sitting in a pentacle formed by toad skulls. Then, when you’re on the job, think about the mother-in-law and filling in tax returns.”

    Come ON. If our scientists and sceptics are this gullible, what hope for anyone?

  2. #2 hipparchia
    May 1, 2007

    This story appeared in the Bulgarian press some months ago. Looks like the stuff of urban legends.

    However, witch doctors abound in this neck of the woods. At least in Bulgaria it is possible to be licenced as a traditional healer (a.k.a witch doctor).

    Recently, a woman with some pretenses about talking to God even received a state award, a medal for “outstanding traditional healer”.

    It’s sad.

  3. #3 DrFrank
    May 1, 2007

    The style of writing screams The Onion article or similar to me. The other factor giving it away is how the Witchdoctor actually dispenses actually some useful advice at the end

  4. #4 Andreas
    May 1, 2007

    It sounds plausible – however Ananova does not strike me as a source that overdoes fact-checking.
    1. actually the advice “go eff a hedgehog” might work – if you can concentrate and move so slowly as not to cause yourself harm with it probably you also have enough body control not to have premature ejacuations.
    2. Ever since a would be witch in the Netherlands sucessfully tax-deducted witching seminars I am not surprised at anything.
    Also I have met physics graduates ( no less than 4 years hard work here ) who believe that astrology has something going for it. ( if I had anything to do with it the man in question would retroactively fail his college graduation and the university diploma for mindblowing stupidity .)
    3. As for the powdered ocelot spleen in RedBull™
    I suspect it would improve the taste of RedBull though I would strongly object if I was an ocelot or member of Greenpeace™. I suppose sugar , taurin give extra endurance, meditating in a pentacle relaxes , getting toad-skulls out of toads requires fine-motoric dexterity and thinking of the tax-form would stop oneself from getting overexited. Just MIGHT work.
    4. Made me think of Prattchets Diuskworld and Nanny Oggs favorite song. And of RAH “I will fear no evil” and the licencing of witchdoctors.

  5. #5 Andrija
    May 1, 2007

    Hello from Serbia! This one’s definitely supposed to be humourous. The intent is much clearer if you know that in Serbian “he fucked a hedgehog (in the back)” is a slang term which means everything has gone wrong for the person in question.

  6. #6 HoverCraftWheel
    May 1, 2007

    Obligatory link to the lyrics of The Hedgehog Song

  7. #7 Stuart Coleman
    May 1, 2007

    That is almost too perfect, are you sure it isn’t a satire?

  8. #8 Calli Arcale
    May 1, 2007

    I also thought of Nanny Ogg when I read this….

    But I also thought of a lovely interchange in the Dr Who serial “Mask of Mandragora”. (Every basher of astrology ought to see that one. It’s got some great zingers.) Quoted from memory and probably inaccurate, the Doctor, claiming to know about stars, is questioned by the court astrologer, Hieronymus (who is of course a villain):

    Hieronymus: Tell me, what does it fortell when the moon enters the house of the ram?
    Doctor: This is all a great waste of time.
    Count Federico: Answer him.
    Doctor: Well, it depends, doesn’t it?
    Hieronymus: On what?
    Doctor: On whether a cock crows three times before sunrise or a duck lays addled eggs.
    Hieronymus: What school of philosophy is this?
    Doctor: I can easily teach him. All it requires is a cunning imagination and a glib tongue.

  9. #9 PlanetaryGear
    May 1, 2007

    In an interview with the guy from Steely Dan he had this to say about drum solos:

    “A drum solo is like a premature ejaculation. You can feel it coming, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.”

  10. #10 archgoon
    May 1, 2007

    There’s an international association of witch doctors? How does one contact them. A google search doesn’t give me anything.

  11. #11 Nes
    May 1, 2007

    The advice that the “licensed witchdoctor” gives at the end can have its own dire consequences. (Link is not safe for work… or, really, at all. Seriously. Don’t click it.)

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