Respectful Insolence

I really love Life Technology™. I really do. Heck, I could spend the next several weeks mining it for topics for Your Friday Dose of Woo. The stuff there’s so over-the-top that I find it hard to believe that these guys are serious. I mean, really, look at some of their products, a couple of which I’ve featured on YFDoW before; specifically the Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet Professional Version 1.0™ (a.k.a. The Ultimate in Financial Abundance Engineering Technology™) and the Tesla Purple Energy Shield™, two pieces of such amazingly tasty woo that it’s pretty hard to top them. That’s why I hadn’t been planning on going back to the well for a while.

And then I saw this:

Vir-X™ is a new and novel formulation designed and created exclusively by Life Technology™. The proprietary Neo-Homeopathic™ synthesis utilises aspects of traditional homeopathy, Malcolm Rae’s Magneto Geometric methods and Scalar Neo-Radionic™ Cloning. Vir-X™ is in effect is a super potentised Neo-Homeopathic™ preparation which contains a potent energetic signal which stimulates the human vital force. It is the strength of the vital force that ultimately determines a man’s sexual potency. Vir-X™ stimulates the overall vital force of the organism.

Holy crap! Neo-homeopathic boner pills! Now do you see why I couldn’t resist going back to the well of Life Technology this week?

Let’s parse this brief paragraph a bit, because in reality it contains some of the densest, most concentrated woo I’ve ever seen. There’s a world of woo packed into that one little paragraph. For example, what on earth is “Neo-homeopathic” synthesis? Is it just homeopathy, but somehow newer? Or maybe it’s just Life Technology’s way of showing you that it’s on the cutting edge of woo. Indeed it is, too, because when I looked up what the heck Malcom Rae’s Magneto Geometric methods were, this is what I found:

…we believed the results justified the continuation of our researches and the combination of radiesthesic investigation and experimentation lead to the use of Magneto-Geometry, which is the energisation of geometric patterns by a facet of Magnetism. In 1966 a few experimental instruments were made and to overcome any shortcomings, experiments were undertaken to discover whether or not the effect caused by the energised pattern could be guided along a wire from the centre of the drawing to the base of a cylindrical container, into which a phial could be placed. These experiments proved entirely satisfactory, with the result that the pattern could be removed from the effects of the earth’s magnetic field. Further experiments showed that the earth’s field could be replaced by that of a small magnet and hence it was possible to contain a potency simulator in a case. This instrument – which was called the Mark 1 – was tested by a number of practitioners, before being superceded in 1970 by the Mark 11.

The principle used was :-

  • ‘The unique characteristic of any substance may be expressed numerically, or geometrically as a two dimensional figure.
  • The Mark II Potency Simulator, using the relevant geometrical figure, makes the equivalent of a homoeopathic potency by superimposing the characteristic of the required remedy on blank pills or distilled water.’
  • The Mark II model was modified and improved and the Mark III Potency Simulator became available. Changes in design of the Mark 111 Potency Simulator were made by equipping them with more powerful circular magnets and this model has remained unchanged since then.

Great. It looks like some sort of weird fusion of homeopathy and magnet woo. Couple the “Neo-homeopathic” synthesis plus Magneto Geometric methods, plus Scalar Neo-Radionic™ Cloning, and it is the most amazing cutting edge woo indeed–so cutting edge, in fact, that it threatens to rupture the very fabric of the space-time continuum every time one of its users is in the mood for love. In fact, the last bit of woo that makes up this woo trifecta is apparently so cutting edge that I can’t find a mention of it anywhere other than on the Life Technology website. Truly, the owners of this company are utter geniuses of woo. Either that, or they’re the best pranksters I’ve ever seen. I can just picture a bunch of guys in a back room in a “brainstorming session,” drinking beer and doing doobs, laughing hysterically as they try to top each other, the better to get the gullible to pay $89.95 for 200 tablets of their Neo-Homeopathic boner pills.

Either that, or they actually believe this stuff. I don’t know which possibility is scarier.

But old dudes who can’t get it up anymore as well as they’d like really want to know: Is this stuff for real? And if it is for real, what makes Vir-X™ different from all those other herbal Viagra products, pitches for which caring marketers kindly send to several of my e-mail accounts (particularly my blog e-mail address, which is widely available on the web and thus easily harvested) several times a day? You know, the ones that claim that “herbal Viagra” is better and safer than real Viagra because it’s “natural”? Don’t worry. Life Technology’s got your back (and, apparently, at least one other part–if you’re male, anyway):

What makes Vir-X™ unique from any sexual enhancement product on the market is the fact that Vir-X™ has extremely rapid absorption, has a remarkably swift onset of action ,is highly bioavailable due to its unique sublingual Neo-Homeopathic™ formulation and has no side effects or interactions of any sort with other medications. Because Vir-X™ is a Neo-Homeopathic™ formulation, it contains no traces of any drug substance whatsoever because its active principle is simply an energetic code to stimulate the body’s own natural energetic forces.

“Contains no traces of any drug substance whatsoever”? Who said woo-meisters can’t tell it like it is? Maybe the reason this is “Neo-homeopathy” is because of the new twist in which the reason for homeopathic “activity” is an “energetic code” that “stimulates the body’s own natural energetic forces,” whatever they are. (I wonder if it activates your DNA, too.) Of course, this total lack of any drug or active ingredient whastsoever allows Vir-X™ to work instantaneously and provides an amazing advantage:

Vir-X™ is a Neo-Homeopathic™ product and is therefore entirely harmless and free from side effects or potential drug interaction problems. There is no limit to the number of doses that may be taken in any given time period.

Unlike those boring old drugs like Viagra or Cialis, which, I’m sure, don’t do anything whatsoever to your body’s own natural energetic forces, relying instead on stodgy old things like biochemistry and pharmacology to exert their magic on a guy’s nether regions, there’s no chance of side effects and you can take as much as you want and “no danger whatsoever of interaction with prescription medicines.” No wonder they don’t give the usual warning that you see in Cialis or Viagra ads telling you to seek medical attention if you get an erection that lasts more than four hours, otherwise known as “priapism,” a medical emergency.

But it’s not just old guys who might wonder about these products. Oh, no. Do you think Life Technology would neglect the ladies? Of course not. They market a version of this product for women called Fem-X™. Because women need to have their own natural energetic forces stimulated as much as horny old guys do, you know.

Or at least so I’m told.

But the most amusing part of this woo, as is so often the case with the very best woo, is the disclaimer:

Vir-X™ does not actually contain any physical drug material like Viagra, Levitra or Cialis. It contains a Neo-Homeopathic™ subtle energy imprint. These statements have not been evalulated by the FDA. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Men with erectile difficulties should consult a licensed medical professional for diagnosis and treatment options. No medical claims are stated or implied for this product. As instructed by the FDA, we must state that this product is strictly for experimentation and research purposes only.

“Neo-Homeopathic subtle energy imprints” and boners? I wonder if I could get funding from NCCAM to carry out this sort of “research” and “experimentation.”

Comments

  1. #1 gravitybear
    May 11, 2007

    …no side effects or interactions of any sort…

    Well, I believe this part anyway.

    Man, they are truly on the cutting edge.

  2. #2 themann1086
    May 11, 2007

    I volunteer! Pick meeeeeee!

  3. #3 Rugosa
    May 11, 2007

    women need to have their own natural energetic forces stimulated

    Reminds me – I need to pick up batteries.

    /dirtyoldlady

  4. #4 Blake Stacey
    May 11, 2007

    drinking bear

    I think my relatives in Alaska mentioned something about that. . . .

  5. #5 Narc
    May 11, 2007

    There’s one thing I’ve always wondered about these alternative medicines. If the woo is “not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease,” what is it actually for, then?

  6. #6 Melissa G
    May 11, 2007

    MAGNETO GEOMETRIC BONERS?!?!?!?!

    Oh, wait… this post is not about what I thought.

    ::slinks off with comics collection and impure thoughts::

  7. #7 Dunc
    May 11, 2007

    I’m becoming increasingly convinced that the guys at Life Technology (a) do their product development by cranking up some kind of automated woo-speak generator and then making a product that fits the resultant garbage, and (b) are laughing their socks off all the way.

    I simply don’t believe that anyone can produce that dense a concentration of woo deliberately, or take it seriously. I mean, it’s like the woo equivalent of neutronium…

  8. #8 vlad
    May 11, 2007

    Anyone notice that six of Life Technology products are each $89. They are exactly the samoe thing hovere it comes in 6 snazy colors. This is truly an new level of woo. What actually scary is that people actually by this stuff. How can someone who know how to use a computer enough to go on the internet actually buy all this woo?

  9. #9 Sid Schwab
    May 11, 2007

    Thanks for the link. As a “horny old man,” I’m keeping all my options open. By the way, “Neo-homeopathic” isn’t very easy to say out loud. I’m guessing if you tried it ten times, your erection would disappear.

  10. #10 Steevl
    May 11, 2007

    I <3 distinguished surgeons using the word “boner”.

  11. #11 Voice O'Reason
    May 11, 2007

    There’s one thing I’ve always wondered about these alternative medicines. If the woo is “not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease,” what is it actually for, then?

    Lightening of the wallet. There’s nothing quite as annoying as an overstuffed wallet…

  12. #12 Alan Kellogg
    May 12, 2007

    Let’s see. It’s a homeopathic erectile dysfunction treatment. Therefor, if nothing happens after taking it are you having a homeopathic erection?

  13. #13 spartanrider
    May 12, 2007

    I would love to see a marketing profile of their customers.I am not an educated man, but I can read and comprehend basic ideas. Whenever I try to read woo my head starts to hurt.I literally have no idea what they are talking about.It seems obvious to me that this crap is not marketed to people like me. Yet it distresses me to think this crap is being marketed to educated people who must think that they can make heads or tales of this crap.Or could this just be the old salesman trick of dazzle them with your bullshit. I’m not buying because every knows that the best thing for hard-ons is powdered rhino horn.

  14. #14 JMG3Y
    May 13, 2007

    Maybe it’s all the same?

    From Robin Hanson on Overcoming Bias

    May 13, 2007
    Medicine As Scandal

    To me, the RAND Experiment seems clear evidence that medicine is a huge scandal. Readers of the medical literature, as well as readers of medical media coverage and students in health and medicine, have all been given the strong impression that in the aggregate, more medicine produces more health. This was the impression thirty years ago as much as today.

    Yet our single clearest data point, the RAND experiment, confirms the typical result of correlation studies: we see no such relation. Thus the medical research literature must suffer from severe biases, such as fraud, funding bias, treatment selection bias, publication selection bias, leaky placebo effects, misapplied statistics, and so on. How else can we square the usual positive benefit found in medical publications with a net zero benefit? Furthermore, what else but education and media biases can explain why this experiment, very expensive, well published, and the most important medical study ever, remains mostly unknown to medical students, professionals and the public?

  15. #15 Kathleen Rector
    May 24, 2008

    I don’t know about this particular application, however, you skeptics may be interested to know that many doctors of traditional Western medicine are routinely prescribing homeopathic remedies (e.g. Arnica Montana) as a result of their established efficacy.

  16. #16 badabing
    May 24, 2008

    If one of these doesn’t work, I guarantee nothing else will later.

    http://www.snydersantiqueauto.com/628

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