How dogs think

I haven’t seen it summed up quite as well as here:

Dog: I am starving.

Me: Actually, no. You aren’t starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.


Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.

Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.

Me: I am now ignoring you.


Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.

Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

My wife was gone visiting her family for almost two weeks not too long ago; so the part where the dog laments, “You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH!” struck a little close to home. So true, particularly when that one human is someone like me who’s at work 12 hours a day (although I did cut back the hours I spent at the office and lab, so as not to strain our dog’s bladder while my wife was gone).

At least my dog doesn’t get into discussions of quantum theory with me, although, alas, she has been known to behave like this. Then, of course, there is the periodic bunny carnage to be contended with.


  1. #1 Roy
    May 12, 2007

    I once was a dog’s servant, and I was well-trained. He never went hungry. We were supposed to empty his bowl (dry food) when it got down to crumbs, wash the bowl, dry it, and refill it — while he watched. If he wanted, he could open the food bag and help himself. Sometimes he would help himself, while we watched, just to let us know he could feed himself if he wanted to. (We were also well-trained with the water dish.) He also got a small plate of his own from our meals, after we’d finished. There was nothing he could to to speed up dinner getting started, cooked, served, or eaten, so he would wait patiently. And when we served him his dish he would eat it slowly while we watched, letting us know he appreciated the treat.

    Never try to outsmart your dog. Humans ain’t got the brains for it.

  2. #2 Julia
    May 12, 2007

    We had a couple of dogs for awhile.

    It is WONDERFUL to have a dog when you have a toddler around — the dog saves you a lot of work in picking up stuff from the kitchen floor. (You still have to sweep & mop, but the initial getting-sticky-food-off-the-floor step is taken care of!)

  3. #3 Aerik
    May 12, 2007

    My favorite part is “Noooo, they be stealin’ my sweet potato!” for it’s reference to two pictures of a walrus and his bucket, lovingly called the lolrus. Look that image up for yourself.

  4. #4 Alan Kellogg
    May 13, 2007

    Alternate interpretations_

    “I’m lonely.”

    “Wanna play?”

    “Let’s go out.”

    “Watcha doin’?”

    “What’s wrong?”

    “There’s a cat outside!”

    “Someones walking on my sidewalk!”

    “You make a good pillow.”

  5. #5 Amy Alkon
    May 15, 2007

    A sucker is a dog’s best friend. In my life, that’s my boyfriend. He’s powerless before all two and a half pounds of her.

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