Respectful Insolence

I don’t know where EoR finds this stuff, but I like the way Deborah Ross thinks when she discusses offering alternative medical practitioners alternative methods of payment. Not surprisingly, they aren’t interested:

There has been much fuss this week about the ‘scientific status’ of homeopathy, just as there is always a fuss about ‘alternative’ treatments generally. Personally, I have no patience with the dismissive and often contemptuous attitude these therapies can attract, as there are many useful treatments and products on offer out there. These include:

THE ALTERNATIVE CREDIT CARD (Guaranteed APR – Actual Patient Rip-off – of not less than 100 per cent)

THIS is an absolutely essential item for anyone considering any kind of alternative treatment. Indeed, as alternative as any therapist might be, he or she is not, I have discovered, generally keen on accepting any alternative kind of payment.

For example, I once tried to pay an aromatherapist alternatively with an old shoe, and she wasn’t having any of it.

In particular, though, I like this proposed “alternative method of payment” for homeopathy practitioners:

It’s the same, alas, with homeopaths. As homeopathy attempts to treat the sick with extremely diluted agents – sometimes so diluted that the water has only a ‘memory’ of the original agent – I thought I could pay with some pocket fluff which, surely, would remember having rubbed against money at various times in its life.

And what did I receive for my trouble? A punch on the nose that, alas, did not appear diluted at all!

Not very homeopathic of that practitioner, was it? Personally, I’d propose paying a homeopath with my expired AAA card. After all, it resided for a couple of years in my wallet, and thus came into contact with the leather of the wallet, which was in near-constant contact with money. Thus it’s “diluted” at least a couple of times. Surely there’s left an energetic imprint from all the money that passed in and out of my wallet during those years that the card was there!

If anyone out there has other suggestions for alternative methods of payment for alt-med practitioners, here’s your chance. Leave ‘em in the comments below.

Comments

  1. #1 Bob O'H
    May 13, 2007

    Well, your trousers would be more homeopathic, wouldn’t they? So pay with the water you use to wash your trousers.

    “But, you’ve just given me some dirty water…”
    “Oh sorry, I’ll dilute it next time”.

    Bob

  2. #2 Coin
    May 13, 2007

    It’s the same, alas, with homeopaths. As homeopathy attempts to treat the sick with extremely diluted agents – sometimes so diluted that the water has only a ‘memory’ of the original agent – I thought I could pay with some pocket fluff which, surely, would remember having rubbed against money at various times in its life.

    And what did I receive for my trouble? A punch on the nose that, alas, did not appear diluted at all!

    So wait, he attempted to treat debt with diluted traces of money? Well no wonder he didn’t get a good reaction! That’s classic allopathic reasoning right there!

  3. #3 Jared
    May 13, 2007

    How about with used motor oil? It used to be black gold… can’t it be again? I’m certain it has some memory of the supertanker it came in, so they should be able to extrapolate that, right?

  4. #4 wanderingprimate
    May 13, 2007

    How about quantm pocket fluff…because my money once touched my pocket fluff, that means the homeopaths own pocket fluff is my pocket fluff which is my money….

  5. #5 Victoria
    May 13, 2007

    Isn’t the basic principle of homeopathy that like cures like? So shouldn’t you redress a bill for, say, $100.00 by giving the homeopath a bill for, say, $0.10?

  6. #6 Orac
    May 13, 2007

    Not enough dilution.

  7. #7 Nat
    May 13, 2007

    Drop a penny in the shallow end of an olympic sized swimming pool. Leave overnight to dilute/dissolve. Take a thimble of water from the deep end of the pool the next morning.

    Ultra dilute legal tender!

  8. #8 afarensis
    May 13, 2007

    A drawing of a one dollar bill in a bank vault. Should be acceptable because it “embodies” notions of wealth in a self referential context.

  9. #9 Jon H
    May 13, 2007

    Honestly, I’m surprised none of the homeopaths is selling water they’ve washed large numbers of coins or bullion with. (Or claimed to, anyway.)

  10. #10 Parse
    May 13, 2007

    Pay using seawater.
    After all, it’s just really, really, really diluted gold.

  11. #11 Chris Noble
    May 14, 2007

    What is the correct form of payment for urine therapy?

    Is it legal to send it through the post?

  12. #12 James
    May 14, 2007

    Ideas applicable to other woo:

    Feng-Shui – Pay by rearranging the money they already have.

    Device Peddlers – Pay by giving them a black box and telling them it will give them the payment, and if it doesn’t its becuase the conditions are wrong.

    The Secret – Tell them to use the law of attraction to get you to pay up.

    Dowsers – Tell them you’ve buried the payment in their back yard.

    Naturopaths – Pay in lentils.

    Faith healers – Tell them that you’ve spoken with God and He feels that they aren’t quite ready to accept payment, but to pray for it and it will come.

    Numerologists – Tell them the payment’s in an anonymous bank account, they should have no trouble getting the account number.

    Repressed Memory Therapists – Tell them you’ve already paid and they must have blocked it out.

    Conspiracy Theorists – Pay in registered government bonds. If you use a set of options you can probably set it up so that you get your money back if they don’t redeem them.

  13. #13 DuWayne
    May 14, 2007

    James –

    Could the lentils be quantumly charged? ‘Cause I really dig stuff that’s quantumly charged.

  14. #14 Maronan
    May 14, 2007

    That was funny!

    A few days ago, I decided to buy a copy of The Secret. I took it to the front of the store, kindly told the store personnel to wish that I’d paid for the book, and attempted to walk out, at which point I was accosted by two large members of the civil police force and forced to return the book to the shelf, as I did not have any actual money in my possession.

    Having received minor injuries from my altercation with the police outside the store, I decided to pursue medical treatment. Since I was sceptical of your opposition to so-called “woo,” I decided to try sound healing to repair the damage. Unfortunately, the sound healer refused my offer to sing: “Sixty-four dollars and ninety five cents” as payment, so I was forced to search for alternative alternative healing modalities.

    Supposing that my injuries would have healed over by now if it weren’t for the heavy metal toxins in my body, I searched for an expert in detoxification healing. He welcomed me in and said that chelation to remove the mercury from my blood should do the trick. Unfortunately, his expression soured when I explained that I intended to pay him by removing the toxins in his bank account that prevented him from accumulating vast quantities of wealth while he slept.

    It was then that I turned to God. Since God could heal me easily, I went to a faith healer. The faith healer agreed to intervene on my behalf in exchange for sixty dollars. After my faith healing session, I left. The pastor followed me, asking for his payment. I told him I’d already paid. He disagreed with my assessment of the facts and instructed me to remit payment at once. I asked him to have faith that I had paid him already. Although he had professed to be a man of great faith, he refused to believe in this one case and demanded I present verifiable empirical evidence of my payment. I asked him if he trusted that the Bible was God’s word, and asked him why. He agreed, explaining that the Bible was clearly the word of God because it says that God wrote it and God wouldn’t lie. I produced a small piece of paper, on which was inscribed the message: “Maronan has already paid you. Signed, God. P.S., Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” The pastor’s expression angered, and he decided to leave God be and take matters into his own hands, punching me in the nose. Although capable of ripping him to shreds, I decided to set a good example and walk away. Fortunately, Jesus never said: “Thou shalt not call a bloody pom a bloody pom,” so I did just that.

    Utterly discouraged at my futile search, I stopped for a pint with my mate who suggested that I try herb healing. Since he wasn’t as much of a woo as the faith healers, sound healers, and chelation believers, I decided to trust him and visit an herb healer. This time, I was more sceptical. I asked whether or not herbs worked. The herb healer explained that herbs were, in fact, active ingredients, and therefore some herbs may, indeed, have healing properties. Intrigued, I offered to pay her by cleaning under the carpet in my flat; I’d dropped a lot of stuff down there, and therefore some of it may, indeed, be money.

    That day, I also tried to get my qi realigned, but was kicked out when I explained that I would pay with money-attracting qi rather than money itself. My experiments with magnetic therapy yielded similar results when I offered to pay by magnetizing his bank account. I met with another healer who advocated the healing properties of a diet of raw, unprocessed foods diet, but offered me very raw fury when I offered to pay with wood; essentially, raw and unprocessed money. I also visited a naturopath, who offered advice on healing which stopped rather abruptly when I refused something as artificial as money.

    Within a few days, my injuries had healed over by themselves. It must have been because of the raw foods diet.

  15. #15 Michael Ralston
    May 14, 2007

    You all have the homeopaths wrong.

    You don’t treat a disease with a diluted form of a REMEDY, you treat it with a diluted form of something that CAUSES it.

    I propose paying the homeopath with an envelope that contained a bill.

  16. #16 EoR
    May 14, 2007

    “I don’t know where EoR finds this stuff”

    It’s the Secret! EoR just imagines woo coming his way. And it does!

  17. #17 obscurifer
    May 14, 2007

    Reiki practitioners may accept payment in the form of patients wiggling their fingers over the bill to realign the figures.

  18. #18 khan
    May 14, 2007

    I read a story (written in the 1930s) where a rich family sued a poor family for stealing the spirit of their food by standing outside and partaking of the lovely smells.

    The poor family paid by taking up a collection of silver coins and jingling them; the delightful sound was the spirit of the money.

  19. #19 Purushottam
    May 14, 2007

    Dear Sir,
    Some of the cynical criticism found in the blogs appear silly and without comprehnding the real effectiveness of the system of Homoeopathy. I too was sceptical once ( but never stooped to the level of criticising a subject without giving it a honest try) , but having been convinced of its effectiveness and being scared of dangerous side effects of the so called well tested , scientifically and clinically proven Allopathic medicines about which the sceptics are silent ( may be they have their own axe to grind)!!!

  20. #20 JS
    May 14, 2007

    Some of the cynical criticism found in the blogs appear silly and without comprehnding the real effectiveness of the system of Homoeopathy. I too was sceptical once ( but never stooped to the level of criticising a subject without giving it a honest try) , but having been convinced of its effectiveness and being scared of dangerous side effects of the so called well tested , scientifically and clinically proven Allopathic medicines about which the sceptics are silent ( may be they have their own axe to grind)!!!

    Doggerel numbers 40, 46 and 82, respectively.

    – JS

  21. #21 David Canzi
    May 14, 2007

    We may be witnessing the birth of a new field of alternative medicine, rhinopractic, the science of treating diseases by manipulating the patient’s nose. The educational resources used to train aspiring rhinopractors would, of course, include the old but excellent series of instructional videos produced by the Three Stooges.

  22. #22 Chris Noble
    May 14, 2007

    We may be witnessing the birth of a new field of alternative medicine, rhinopractic, the science of treating diseases by manipulating the patient’s nose. The educational resources used to train aspiring rhinopractors would, of course, include the old but excellent series of instructional videos produced by the Three Stooges.

    Sigmund Freud and Wilhelm Fliess were the fathers of rhinopractic. Everything including depression could be treated by manipulating the nose (just remember to remove the gauze after the operation).

    Wilhem Fliess

    The Three Stooges just perfected the technique

  23. #23 James
    May 15, 2007

    DuWayne: Hmm, I should do something with quantum –

    Quantum Woo – Transfer the quantum vibrations of your monwy into their wallet. State that this has put the money in their wallet, while it still exists in yours. If they don’t beleive you, look at them like they’re an idiot.

  24. #24 Chris Noble
    May 15, 2007

    How about putting a hundred dollar bill in a glass of water and using Jacques Benveniste’s apparatus to digitise the “memory”? This can be sent as an email attachment with instructions on how to recover the memory at the other end.

    I mean this isn’t just woo. Benveniste has scientifically proven that this is possible

  25. #25 Bronze Dog
    May 15, 2007

    Reflexology: Tell them you’ll rub their sock where they hide their emergency cash, and that’ll fix up the absence in their wallet.

    Energy balancers: Tell them that your money’s currently overloaded with negative energy, but you’ll give it to them as soon as you have it cleansed. And now that you think about it, their wallets look like they could use some cleansing.

    Michael Egnor: Tell him that there’s a perfectly designed circuitous method through which he’ll automatically get his money. He just needs to be patient and watch carefully for undefined signs that this plan is underway.

  26. #26 James
    May 16, 2007

    Nice.

  27. #27 David Canzi
    May 16, 2007

    Regarding “rhinopractic”: No matter how hard I try to come up with an idea that is completely ridiculous and completely original, I always find that the professionals have thought of it, and tried it, before me.

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