i-cbb47eec31b9c8db9fe801c2f0e66802-xoxide_1949_35549170.jpgIs your qi weak? Is your aura not glowing as brightly and colorfully as it should? Is your ability to take on ten masked men who conveniently come at you no more than one or two at a time getting shaky, so that you’re no longer sure that you can handle more than, say, five evil-doers? Do you feel the need for a “natural energy drink packed with vitamins and exotic botanicals”?

Wait no more! B-movie hack Steven Seagal has your back with his Lightning Bolt energy drink:

Then look no further for the true meaning of life then Master Sensei Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Energy Drink!

Lightning Bolt, the one and only energy drink crafted by martial arts expert and herbal specialist Steven Seagal, is the only all natural 100% juice energy drink on the market. This long lasting energy elixir is made with key ingredients from all over the globe. With a healthy dosing of Tibetan Goji Berry, Asian Cordyceps, B-Vitamins, Green Tea, Yerba Mate, Ginseng, Ginkgo Biloba, Guarana, and Policosanols, Lightning Bolt will give you the strength you need to punch your adversary’s faces through plate glass windows day in and day out!

Oh and it gets better, Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt is available in 2 great juicy flavors! Cherry Charge brings you the great taste of freshly squeezed cherry juice, while for those of you that desire a slightly less sweet drink can partake of the true Asian Experience. Either way, you still get a powerful bolt of energy delivered into your body that Steven Seagal precisely blended for lasting maximum performance. So get ready to take on the world with new meaning with Steven Segal’s own Lightning Bolt Energy Drink!

The “true meaning of life”? From an energy drink by Steven Seagal? What are those herbs he put in the drink? On the other hand, I’d sure like the energy to be able to punch my foes faces through plate glass windows. That’s a hell of an advertising promise.

Too bad it appears to be out of stock.


  1. #1 Meredith
    June 13, 2007

    Apparently, it’s not only wootastic, but tastes awful. There’s a pretty detailed review of the drink at http://www.agonybooth.com/agonizer/article.asp?Id=0000006

  2. #2 sailor
    June 13, 2007

    Well if it has any juice in it it is probably better for you than Lucozade.

  3. #3 Johnny Vector
    June 13, 2007


    On a somewhat related note, I saw in the store the other day some cans of diet Red Bull. Huh? Energy Drink! Now with less Energy!!

  4. #4 Bronze Dog
    June 13, 2007

    Well, Meredith beat me to it.

    Included one not-so-helpful image in Doggerel #46: “Don’t knock [woo] until you tried it” from one of their reviews: Tom Paris looking into his coffee with a disgusted look that referenced that agonizer article, “So this is what Cherry Charge tastes like.”

    Couldn’t think of another image, and that was fresh in my head. May try something else.

  5. #5 dc
    June 13, 2007


  6. #6 TheBrummell
    June 13, 2007

    This can’t be authetically from Steven Seagal – there’s no spatial relationship in the title. While a few of Mr. Seagal’s movies do not describe something in a physical, spatial or temporal relation to something else, many do:

    Above the Law
    Under Siege
    On Deadly Ground
    Fire Down Below
    Exit Wounds
    Half Past Dead

    If they really want me to think that Mr. Seagal endorses this beverage, they should rename it “Struck by Lightning!” or “Bolt from the Sky!” or “Charged UP!” or something.

  7. #7 Obdulantist
    June 13, 2007

    Ahh, The Way of Woo.

    Also, Orac, have you seen this guy?


    Might be worth adding to your ‘Medicine’ blog list.

    (I have no connection to him of any kind.)

  8. #8 Artistradio
    June 13, 2007

    Reminds me of Powerthirst. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs

  9. #9 hipparchia
    June 14, 2007

    This is weird, the top aikidokas I’ve seen are really not into v. healthy habits. Shihan Masatake Fujita, whenever he came to Bulgaria for a seminar, never refused a good meal of grilled meat and a local beer.

    But then again, Mr. Segal is another category, seems to be above all the shihans from Tokyo. See, real masters will make a seminar training session, will not hesitate to correct the technique of even a small kid.

    Not so with Mr. Segal, he has been asked many times to make a training session just for the best of Bulgarian aikidokas, but never agreed.

  10. #10 Marc
    June 14, 2007

    Check the funny xoxide.com claims:

    * 100% Pure Steven Seagal Juice (Ew. This is a selling point?)
    * Designed for intense mortal combat or any extreme situation requiring ultimate energy
    * Can has Steven Seagal’s face on it (who could ask for more!?!)

    I get the impression they’re not fully serious here, esp. since there’s a warning about ‘Exploding Bawls’.

  11. #11 Orac
    June 14, 2007

    Yeah, I wasn’t sure if they were joking or if they didn’t have a good command of the English language.

  12. #12 Bartholomew Cubbins
    June 14, 2007

    Before anyone gives Segal props about his CV, you might want to look at this hilarity. The guy has lied about being a CIA employee, beating up Japanese mobsters and was married to two different women at the same time. Then he got hit up by the mob, and that’s when things got really interesting.

  13. #13 notmercury
    June 14, 2007

    He didn’t lie about spending some time in the can.

  14. #14 Graculus
    June 14, 2007

    Yeah, I wasn’t sure if they were joking or if they didn’t have a good command of the English language.

    “Bawls” is the name of a competing product, so it’s definitely a sly joke.

  15. #15 Ginger Yellow
    June 14, 2007

    How can you be a martial arts expert and a herbal specialist? Don’t you have to specialise to be a specialist?

  16. #16 Flying Fox
    June 14, 2007

    I would imagine a drink called lightning bolt would want these characters on it: 雷電. Course, I’m just flaunting my language skills, which are superior to my knowledge of marketing. It would surprise if many Americans actually could recognise the character for energy/spirit/breath. It does not surprise me that a martial artist would also be an herbalist. I saw the website of one such person last month when I was looking for a good martial arts school.

  17. #17 tim gueguen
    June 14, 2007

    I knew I’d made a very brief post about this stuff, and sure enough I beat you by close to two years, with my post dated Oct. 11, 2005.

  18. #18 Anne
    June 15, 2007

    Hey, it’s all about stimulating your CNS with caffeine. The Tibetan Goji Berry is just there for that yummy tobacco taste. Coffee and cigarette in a juice. How can you beat that? Well, they could add Willow Bark, in case you’re stackin’.

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