Respectful Insolence

Your Friday Dose of Woo: An iPod of woo

Alright, now they’ve gone too far.

I can take a lot from woo-meisters. I can watch them claim that water has some sort of “memory” and that diluting a compound to nonexistence somehow seemingly by magic makes it more powerful and chuckle at their silliness. I can listen to them claim that by “alkalinizing your body” you can cure all manner of disease. I can even sit back and be somewhat amused when woo-meisters claim that making wine in a pyramid aligned to true north infuses it with pyramid power and makes it better or when they claim that drinking your own–shall we say?–reproductive bodily fluids can produce a “feedback loop” that cures cancer. I can handle all these things and more–and have over the last year or so. There are some things, however, that I cannot abide.

As a word of background, I happen to be a Mac person. I love my Macs. I have a Mac Pro at home and at work, and I use a MacBook as my laptop. I encountered the original Mac in 1984 when my college roommate was one of the first people on campus to buy one of them through the university. Since 1991 or so, my computers have been nothing other than Macs. I only use Windows machines when I’m forced to. I also love my iPod. It’s chock full of all my music, thousands upon thousands of songs that I can carry with me almost wherever I go. Messing with Apple or the iPod is one sure way to annoy me.

And that’s just what one woo-meister company has done. It’s produced an iPod of woo.

i-825ec5b77e4c428fc7b84f045630a01e-ipod.jpgIt’s hard for a devoted Mac-head not to point out that this is nothing other than an ordinary iPod mini (the black-and-white screen definitively gives it away), which was supplanted by the iPod nano a couple of years ago. This of course, brings up the question of whether this is just an old picture being used by the website or whether this company is selling two-year old iPods filled with woo. Be that as it may, let’s see what this particular iPod, called the e-Lybra iPod System, can do for you:

Create your own Personalised Energetic Balancing programme with the e-Lybra iPod System.

The primary recommended use of the e-Lybra iPod System is to create personalised energy balancing sessions using the “ON THE GO” function.

Somehow, I’m guessing that Steve Jobs didn’t have this in mind as a use for the “on-the-go” playlist function of the iPod. Leave it to the woo-meisters to come up with new and better ways to bring their woo to the masses. But what type of woo are we talking about? Let’s look. This iPod is said to contain programs for the following:

  • Candida and Thrush
  • Sinusitis EarInfection
  • Colds and Flu
  • Hayfever and Allergy
  • Kidneys
  • Lungs
  • Liver
  • Musuloskeletal System
  • Body System Cleansing
  • Body Elimination
  • Emotional Balancing

And here’s how you use it:

In the e-lybra iPod system, it is possible to copy each of your chosen programs formulas from the “Playlist”, in an order of your choosing to the “ON THE GO” category. Your chosen list may then be played as a personalised program of up to 24 hours duration. This “ON THE GO” playlist will then operate throughout the day during work, rest and sleep. This makes the most of the e-Lybra iPod System’s design features, providing the ultimate in 24 hours per day energetic balancing whilst “ON THE GO”.

All this for only £694.52. Considering that a brand new 8 GB iPod nano only costs $249, which at today’s exchange rate works out to £126.40. That’s a heck of a markup for just loading some “programs” on the iPod, wouldn’t you say. In any case, what are all these “personalized” programs? What can they do for you? To find that out, it’s necessary to explore the Bio-Resonance website:

Everything in life, including our bodies, is a mass of vibrating frequencies, patterns, light and sounds, we are energetic beings and as we are regularly exposed long enough (and sometimes short enough) to disharmonious information which we cannot hear, see or maybe sense in other ways, then it can negatively affect us by creating energy blocks which accumulate in the body and field of each of us, animals and plants included, resulting in poor health, serious illnesses and pain. Therefore, regular bioresonance treatments and/or using any of the energy medicine products ‘every day’ helps to maintain balanced health by strengthening the immune system and releasing the energy blocks .

Ah, yes, now there’s the woo! I bet you thought I was just going to spend this whole post talking about iPods, dind’t you? I mean, get a load of this device:

Based on resonance and bio-energetic feedback through electrodes connected to the patient it scans and balances for over 275,000 imbalances (physical and psychological), poisonous substances and deficiencies in a 100% objective and automatic fashion. It reveals weaknesses in the immune system, including those that are genetically innate and strengthens the immune system before any disease has the opportunity to develop.

The system scans for example the meridians and over 400 acupuncture points and automatically stimulates/balances the ones not balanced. It can produce automatically all the necessary REMEDIES in a complex homoeopathic form at the correct potency in one bottle, at the same time as giving an energy balancing session for the patient. The complete body scanning, balancing, and the remedy production takes about 50 minutes.

What? 50 whole minutes? It’s nice to see a bit of humility in a woo-meister. Sure, this thing can store over 275,000 resonance patterns, a record of 2,700 homeopathic remedies, and a library of 6,500 bacteria, 3,500 Viruses, 3,600 Enzymes, 400 Hormones, 3,400 Peptides and 75 Fungi. Sure, it has a homeopathic remedy simulator that can run through all 275,000 of these. On the other hand, it is a Windows-only program, and that could be an explanation for why it runs so slow. It’s probably buggy too, although to me the entire program looks like it’s nothing more than one big bug.

Of course, if some homeopathic balancing isn’t enough for you, Bio-Resonance provides considerably more than just the iPod and the e-Lybra Homeopathic Simulator. Perhaps my favorite two devices here are the Water Enhancer and the Food and Drink Energiser. I definitely want me one (or both) of these. Look at what the Water Enhancer can do:

The Water Enhancer™ is in a rugged rich blue polypropylene case 125mm in diameter and contains highly programmed media capable of holding and transmitting the energy resonance patterns of minerals, vitamins and enzymes into the water in a fully interactive manner. It is placed under a jug or container of filtered water, for between 15 and 30 seconds per litre (or longer if required, no maximum time length). The energy resonance patterns have been specially selected to improve people’s wellness. This has the effect of increasing the life-force energy of the water and of making the water more bio-available to the person.

Make the water more “bioavailable” to the person? Hilarious! Water is one of the most easily absorbed and utilized substances the body uses! Are they claiming that the body somehow has difficulty absorbing and using “unenhanced water”? Inquiring minds want to know! But maybe you’d rather have your food energized:

Supplied in a convenient carrying case the chrome ended tubular device is approx. 200mm in length 25mm in diameter and contains highly programmed media capable of holding and transmitting the energy of minerals, vitamins and enzymes to food and drink in a fully interactive manner within a 1.5 meter radius.

This has the effect of increasing the life-force energy of the food and drink, and of making the food more bio-available to the person. Many foods lack some basic minerals in the quantity that we need, the Food and Drink Energiser ™ puts into the food the energetic component of these minerals and amplifies the existing ones. Tests have shown double the amount of energy in the food after a period of 24 hours when exposed to the Food and Drink Energiser™.

Wow! I really want to know how they measured “energy” in the food and showed that it doubled after being treated with the Food and Drink Energiser! Somehow, I doubt that they used what I would characterize as the usual “scientific” measure of food energy content, you know, the actual caloric content of the food. Think of the consequences if this device really could double the caloric content of food. Although it might further endanger the populace of the U.S. with even more obesity, it would be a boon to the developing world. Think of all the starvation this device could prevent! Really, these woo-meisters have far too limited a vision. When they could be wiping out world hunger by in essence doubling food stocks around the world, not to mention decreasing the pressure on nations to cut down forests for more farmland to feed their burgeoning populations, instead they’re selling this device on the Internet for £99.95.

The humanity…

Much like Life Technology, Bio-Resonance has a goodly amount of other woo that is so woo-ey that it probably deserves its own separate treatment one Friday in the future. In the meantime, I’m left with one question.

What parts of the woo that the company offers does Bio-Resonance put on that iPod, and how does it pack so much woo into just a few GB fo memory?

Comments

  1. #1 Old Ari
    June 15, 2007

    But not “Big Macs”, I hope.

  2. #2 daedalus2u
    June 15, 2007

    Unfortunately, they got it backwards. Resonance in biological systems is undesirable and indicates pathology. The work on heart rate variability shows this quite clearly. When biological systems become more periodic is when they are begining to fail, as in Cheyne-Stokes breathing.

    The ANS is a system of multiple non-linear coupled parameters. Such systems exhibit chaotic behavior. As the various non-linear parameters are disabled, or moved out of their normal operating range, the behavior becomes less chaotic and more pathological.

    Regulating the ANS to achieve regular behavior would be to worsen health.

  3. #3 clone3g
    June 15, 2007

    Steve Woozniak strikes back!

  4. #4 Jason
    June 15, 2007

    Best laugh I’ll probably have all day. Thank you.

  5. #5 M
    June 15, 2007

    Niggle – iPods are more expensive in the UK, so the 8Gb Nano actually costs £169. Still a lot less than £600-odd.

  6. #6 Tex
    June 15, 2007

    These guys are even stupider than they seem at first glance.

    They left out a program for erectile dysfunction, the one program that older guys would willingly spend big bucks for, no questions asked.

    However, for 10% of the future proceeeds, I would be glad to e-mail them such a program that I personally designed in a pyramid with excruciatingly correct feng shui while my chakras were aligned with Virgo, or something like that. I may need some help with the appropriate woo-language, but I do have a program ready that is at least as effictive as any of the ones they sell.

  7. #7 Alan Kellogg
    June 16, 2007

    I’m waiting till Apple finds out.

    And speaking of Macs, I take donations, and I wouldn’t refuse one at my door. :)

  8. #8 Nat
    June 17, 2007

    Sorry daedalus2u But you said:

    “When biological systems become more periodic is when they are begining to fail”

    This is manifestly false. Circadian and ultradian rythmns do not indicate pathology. Lack of them does.

    Feed forward resonance, sure that’s not a good thing. But periodicity is fine.

  9. #9 Calli Arcale
    June 18, 2007

    The silver lining: at least they’ve realized that the iPod is a better MP3 player than the Zune. ;-) Heck, that’s really all they’re really selling here — ludicrously expensive MP3s, plus the tiny service of preloading them onto a player. I wonder what they’re doing to protect their intellectual property here? Aren’t they worried about people pirating their precious “programs”, if they’re this profitable? :-P

    I’m waiting till Apple finds out.

    I hate to say it, but I hope Apple doesn’t try anything as dumb or anti-competitive as suing them. It would be a bad precedent. The “right of first sale” applies; they’ve bought these iPods, and they can resell them if they like. There are already plenty of people custom loading the iPods they sell on eBay with songs from iTunes. (Good lord, I just realized I wrote a sentence containing three different words with the second letter capitalized. *shudder*)

  10. #10 Matt the heathen
    June 18, 2007

    I’m kicking myself. iPod + woo. It’s so obvious in retrospect. Damnit. I’m sure if I could design a magnetic bracelet that plugs into your ipod, I’d make a fortune…

  11. #11 Zuska
    June 18, 2007

    That is some high-class woo there for sure! I like this part of the instructions for the Water Enhancer:

    It is placed under a jug or container of filtered water, for between 15 and 30 seconds per litre (or longer if required, no maximum time length).

    Between 15 and 30 seconds, or a week, or a year. It’s all the same. I have to say, they hired a very good woo-writer; the woo density in each sentence is just amazing. Where _do_ you find these things?????

  12. #12 Mike Nilsen
    June 22, 2007

    The Water Enhancer™ is in a rugged rich blue polypropylene case 125mm in diameter and contains highly programmed media capable of holding and transmitting the energy resonance patterns of minerals, vitamins and enzymes into the water in a fully interactive manner.

    I’m a programmer, and I’ve never ‘highly programmed’ anything. Maybe programmed high once or twice. :)

  13. #13 Q West
    November 19, 2007

    That entire website complete comedy…

    as is http://www.wds-global.co.uk

    I have actually seen one of these “water enhancers” – they are a complete joke – from what I could tell it is nothing more than 2 cds stuck back to back (data sides exposed) inside a standard slim transparent blue plastic case, the kind you might find free on the front cover of a magazine… absolute nonsense.

    you can find a fill size picture here:

    http://bp1.blogger.com/_e3BsDt7_O88/RZewmD3wPlI/AAAAAAAAA9E/ghtRyGFSC1U/s1600-h/DSC01966.JPG

    but what I found even more amusing is the so called “silent healing” cd…

    http://64.233.169.104/search?q=cache:SmbEPD4C7MQJ:www.bio-resonance.com/buypage.htm+%22water+enhancer%22+cd&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=1&gl=uk

    …DONT DELAY! – get your blank cd today all for the bargain price of just £45 !!!

  14. #14 Xyon
    April 17, 2008

    Indeed, a scam and a half – a bunch of jokers preying on vulnerable people.

    They’ve recently changed their description of the water enhancer cd – apparently that, and many of their other products now work via a phenomenon they refer to as “the Quantum Energy Funnel”… So it’s not just a “highly programmed media” anymore… NOTE: it’s is only WDS that appear to be aware of this quantum energy funnel phenomenon, I wonder why…

    http://www.wds-global.com – would you care to explain yourself?

    This Victor Sims and his cronies need exposing for the con artists they surely are.

    I will however state that the placebo effect can be really powerful if you really believe in something, but the fact that this company is preying on vulnerable people and extracting rediculous amounts of money for what is essentially a load of lies is absolutely disgusting, how can sleep at night?

  15. #15 James Cagney
    April 23, 2008

    What is even more surprising is that UK’s leading nutrional healer SUSIE CORNELL, shes won the Essex award in 2006, offers (http://www.susiecornell.com/energymedicine.htm)

    “ENERGY MEDICINE – using the most advanced and effective bio-resonance systems in energy medicine today for a complete body scan, health screening and energy balancing,”

    and even metions the famed

    ” e-lybra iPod system, it is possible to copy each of your chosen programs formulas from the “Playlist”, in an order of your choosing to the “ON THE GO” category. Your chosen list may then be played as a personalised program of up to 24 hours duration. This “ON THE GO” playlist will then operate throughout the day during work, rest and sleep. This makes the most of the e-Lybra iPod System’s design features, providing the ultimate in 24 hours per day energetic balancing when you are at home or working.”

    wow, I bet it will clear up Multipe Sclerosis just as well. Since that is what she specializes in treating. The woo of some people is just so wooafying that it totlay woos the mind.