Respectful Insolence

Science and medicine are beautiful things. The range of knowledge and research that can be encompassed under their rubric is truly astounding. Indeed, some scientists have all the luck. Some scientists seem to have all the luck. Some scientists seem able to latch onto the best projects:

London, England (CNS) – There is one scientist who is using his knowledge of anatomy to help Hollywood look even more perfect.

Patrick Mallucci has thoroughly researched pictures of celebrity women to compile images of the best looking breasts. His work is supposed to help plastic surgeons create the perfect looking breasts when clients request some work done on their natural assets.

According to Mallucci, British model Caprice has the best chest in the business. Mallucci has declared the posers props to be the best artificial boobs in the business. But there was one girl who wasn’t so lucky.

Posh Spice, otherwise known as Victoria Beckham, loves to flaunt her lady lumps around Hollywood and Fashion Week in figure hugging outfits but there may be some people – especially doctors – who would prefer her not to. Her boobs have been labeled the worst boob job by Mallucci.

Even better, Malluci gets to travel to places like London to present his research findings:

&

The scientist presented his findings at the Breast Enlargement Conference in London.

He told the Daily Mail newspaper, ;The ideal is a 45 to 55 per cent proportion – that is the nipple sits not at the half-way mark down the breast, but at least 45 per cent from the top.”

According to Mallucci, Beckham’s boobs are “unnaturally round”.

The new research is sure to be useful in Hollywood, where starlets are constantly on a mission to improve their physical appearance in any way they can.

I was a bit skeptical about this article, too. After all, it is reported by an entity known as the Celebrity News Service, which appears to be nothing more than a celebrity gossip service. Who knows how reliable this is?

i-0d9fbaa539da267b415ccb6b2eca2d50-boobsDM2309_468x337.jpg

But wait! The Daily Mail has reported on this too (yes, I know that The Daily Mail might not be any more reliable than the Celebrity News Service), and its report makes Malluci’s research even more envy-provoking:

Patrick Mallucci spent many hours poring over photos of topless models in lads magazines and tabloid newspapers to formulate his theory.

In his opinion, the celebrity with the best pair is Caprice – and the woman with the worst is Posh Spice.

Mr Mallucci will prevent his findings at the first international conference on breast enlargement, to be held in London this week.

In his lecture, titled Concepts in Design for Breast Augmentation, he will express the hope that his insights are used by surgeons providing breast enlargements.

The operation is Britain’s most popular cosmetic surgery procedure, with 6,156 performed last year.

Mr Mallucci said: “I studied a wide variety of photographs of the most popular topless models to work out the various proportions they had in common and what made those particular features attractive.

“These findings allowed me to form a template around which to plan a breast augmentation, and set a standard of aesthetics.

“Obviously personal interpretation and expression has to be accounted for, but this has allowed me to develop a template that I have been using successfully for some time.”

The key aesthetic elements are nipple position and the proportion between the upper and lower halves of the breast, he said.

“The ideal is a 45 to 55 per cent proportion – that is the nipple sits not at the half-way mark down the breast, but at about 45 per cent from the top.”

He added: “All of the models I looked at conformed to these parameters. None of them were augmentedand yet they were clearly considered to have beautiful breasts, so I wanted to examine how that could be achieved in someone not so well-endowed by using an implant.

I must say, Mallucci’s findings are–shall we say?–compelling. However, I do have to wonder if Mr. Mallucci took into account in his research and measurements the massive Photoshopping that is often done to photos of models in lads magazines. I’m also always very skeptical of anyone who pontificates about what is considered aesthetically pleasing based on “science.”

Either way, I think that’s definitely an area that requires more research, as does this. More funding is clearly needed!

(Yes, my tongue is planted firmly in cheek here.)

Comments

  1. #1 Blake Stacey
    September 29, 2007

    Well, it’s good to have that settled.

    However, as a physicist, I do find this part professionally troublesome:

    According to Mallucci, Beckham’s boobs are “unnaturally round”.

    Everybody knows that we begin our study of the subject by considering a spherical breast in simple harmonic motion.

  2. #2 Thony C.
    September 29, 2007

    Personally I think the best boobs are the ones nature gave you .

  3. #3 jim
    September 29, 2007

    I think I have a new personal hero. Wow.

  4. #4 Beth
    September 29, 2007

    …set a standard of aesthetics.

    Great, some some guy spends all day looking at fake boobs and then decides what the aesthetic goal should be. Women everywhere are rolling their eyes.

  5. #5 Jason Adams
    September 29, 2007

    What’s next? Some female plastic surgeon should come up with the perfect penis and a standard of aesthetics for that.

  6. #6 Mike O'Risal
    September 29, 2007

    Impeccable timing, for I have just seen the best breasts in the West, and I don’t know how closely they conform to the parameters of this work.

    My wife and I went clothes shopping this morning and she bought three new bras, you see. Due to her ample proportions, she falls somewhere in the DD-DDD range and so sizes can be a bit tricky for her. When we got home she had to try on her new acquisitions for me… two of which were a bit too small, as it turned out. Oh, the horror. ;)

    I’m luckier than Mallucci. I get to make observations without having to report them to anyone (I guess I just did, though!), publish or dig up grant funding, and I don’t have to put up with fakes at all.

  7. #7 wfjag
    September 29, 2007

    Do you really think Jenny McCarthy was interviewed on 20/20 because she wrote a book?

    Dear Jason: You wrote:

    “What’s next? Some female plastic surgeon should come up with the perfect penis and a standard of aesthetics for that.”

    I take it you haven’t been watching the “Natural Male Enhancement” ads on TV.

  8. #8 notmercury
    September 29, 2007

    Glad someone is staying abreast of these things.

  9. #9 jim
    September 29, 2007

    This also reminds me a little bit of the old Satire Wire spoof

  10. #10 Robin Levett
    September 29, 2007

    …yes, I know that The Daily Mail might not be any more reliable than the Celebrity News Service…

    Why “might”?

  11. #11 Torbjörn Larsson, OM
    September 29, 2007

    I would love to get my hands on that research.

    No, really. This was one man’s opinion, as I understand it.

    And I don’t think it is necessarily the purpose of body resculpturing to look natural and uniform. Look how Beckham with her straight back natural posture will benefit from a different sets of breasts to look the same as in Caprice’s show off slump-and-push.

    Basically, I’m happy as long as I can recognize a single set of breasts anywhere near where I expect them.

  12. #12 Ahistoricality
    September 29, 2007

    So, this is entirely based on his opinions of perfect breasts? Did he use any other metric: economic success, career length or depth (breadth seems to be covered), Q rating, the boys at the pub?

    Come on: it’s breast woo! He needs some serious double-blinding….

  13. #13 Tara C. Smith
    September 29, 2007

    Yeah, cause hers don’t look unnaturally round either??

    This whole “study” just pisses me off. Yes, please, let’s make Hollywood look even more “perfect” and everyone can capitulate to the opinion of this one schmuck. Isn’t it great how we’re teaching women it’s better to potentially die than have small breasts.

    Aargh……..

  14. #14 Tara C. Smith
    September 29, 2007

    Um, and was the “latch on” terminology in a post about breasts purposeful?

  15. #15 Joe
    September 29, 2007

    Borrowing from Woody Allen- the worst breasts I’ve experienced can only be described as “great.”

  16. #16 Joe
    September 29, 2007

    There’s been a particular rash of this sort of nonsense in the UK press over recent years – the ever-lovely Ben Goldacre at BadScience.net has been covering a similar instance in detail: http://www.badscience.net/?p=523

    You’ll be shocked to learn that the PR companies behind these ‘research projects’ seem to operate basically by coming up with the findings they want, then shopping around until they find a scientist gullible or amoral enough to put their name to it.

  17. #17 mpj
    September 29, 2007

    I think Professor Devendra Singh has a pretty sweet job too, considering he’s a psychologist, not a plastic surgeon. It seems his research budget is spent on buying vintage Playboy magazines, allegedly to measure the body mass indices and waist-to-hip ratios of centrefolds. Nice work if you can get it.

  18. #18 Michael Suttkus, II
    September 30, 2007

    From: Thony C.

    Personally I think the best boobs are the ones nature gave you

    I detect the naturalistic falacy! Nature isn’t always better! Compare Ebola virus to unnatural life saving surgery!

    But, seriously, I’m with Tara. If we let Hollywood have it’s way, all women would be stamped from an assembly line: blonde, over-chested and boring.

  19. #19 wfjag
    September 30, 2007

    “You’ll be shocked to learn that the PR companies behind these ‘research projects’ seem to operate basically by coming up with the findings they want, then shopping around until they find a scientist gullible or amoral enough to put their name to it.”

    Hey Joe:

    It’s not just PR firms doing this. Orac, and others, have covered Dr. Wakefield’s coming up with “results” that would have supported suits against Pharma. manufacturers, when the source of his funds were plaintiffs’ attorneys in the UK and US who planned class action suits. However, it occurs much more than a few isolated instances.

    You may have noted that for the UN’s IPCC 4th report, the Conclusions and Executive Summary were released several months before the report. They were written before the report was completed. The UN’s IPCC scientific advisors each wrote 1/2 to 2 pages of the report. However, apparently it was common place for the scientists to be told by the UN’s non-technical staff to revise their submittals to support the Conclusions and Executive Summary. A number of climate scientists who had worked for the IPCC resigned and others declined to work on the report, for that reason.

    The issue of “global warming” has become completely politicized. Highly regarded climate scientists have lost their jobs when they questioned the current political orthodoxy. See, “Climate of Fear” by Richard S. Lindzen, Ph.D., Alfred P. Sloan Professor of Atmospheric Science, MIT, http://www.opinionjournal.com/extra/?id=110008220&mod=RSS_Opinion_Journal&ojrss=frontpage
    and,
    “Don’t Believe the Hype” by Prof. Lindzen
    http://www.opinionjournal.com/extra/?id=110008597

  20. #20 clamboy
    September 30, 2007

    from breast “research” to “‘global warming’ is a hoax!”

    quite the leap there, wfjag.

  21. #21 Scott Hatfield, OM
    September 30, 2007

    Everybody knows that we begin our study of the subject by considering a spherical breast in simple harmonic motion.

    No doubt moving along a frictionless surface.

  22. #22 Brian X
    September 30, 2007

    Actually, as regards Victoria Beckham, I suspect the fact that her breasts are obvious bolt-ons is the least of her problems. She always was the least distinctive-looking of the Spice Girls to begin with, her hair is consistently frightening no matter what color it is, and she’s too damn thin. Having a painfully obvious boob job is pretty much gravy on the cake.

  23. #23 wfjag
    October 1, 2007

    Dear Clamboy:

    “from breast “research” to “‘global warming’ is a hoax!” ”

    No one said “Global warming is a hoax”, although it is disputed by members of the Russian National Academy of Sciences, which contend that after the current solar cycle, which is the strongest recorded, that global cooling will begin.

    There is, however, much dispute of the idea that global warming is “man made.” Prof. Lindzen is only one of many who disputes that orthodoxy.

    The “perfect breast”, “Jessica’s perfect walking wiggle”, and Dr. Wakefield’s the MMR vaccine causes autism, are only a few examples of “outcome predetermined science.” I thought the readers of this blog were encouraged to be sceptical and to check claims instead of merely accepting orthodoxy. Maybe not.

  24. #24 Patience
    October 1, 2007

    wfjag, if we’re all giggling about how dumb it is, do you really think that we are ‘merely accepting orthodoxy’? What a lack of thorough reasoning.

  25. #25 Calli Arcale
    October 1, 2007

    Hoo boy . . . yes, women everywhere are now rolling their eyes.

    The nipple should be 45% of the way down from the top? Argh. Sucks for women who choose to actually use their breasts for their actual function and feed their babies with them. They tend to sag quite a bit after that.

    For that matter, I have to wonder how many plastic surgeons actually make sure to tell their young (i.e. haven’t had any kids yet) patients that they may not be able to breastfeed. Not that some of these women would care, but they may not really understand that they are giving up something that they may later regret. I wonder if anyone even thinks about that when it comes to informed consent for this procedure.

    Plastic surgeons, patients, or anyone else who knows: I’d love to know if they counsel women on this topic!

  26. #26 windy
    October 2, 2007

    The nipple should be 45% of the way down from the top?

    Where’s “the top”, anyway? Top of the implant, I assume.

  27. #27 Rosalyn L. Murray (littlespacegirl)
    October 2, 2007

    THIS woman is not just rolling her eyes, she’s trying to come up with some sort of corresponding survey that could be done with men. NO, NOT the length thing–that’s a subject for too much consideration as is. And I’m NOT, repeat NOT, making some sort of play on words about ‘Bend It Like Beckham’–Heaven forbid!

  28. #28 CTGAL
    October 2, 2007

    The perfect penis is one that stays hard as long as you’d like it to when you’re in the mood, and limp when you’re not in the mood.

    While a penis can be too big or too small, for the most part not else matters.

  29. #29 Calli Arcale
    October 2, 2007

    You are correct, CTGAL. After all, while a woman definitely has a great deal of sensation there, it’s not like the fingertips — it’s wired for pleasure, not fine granularity. You can’t read Braille with your vagina. :-P So the *existence* of a penis, and it’s ability to perform its basic function, is pretty much all women are going to notice, let alone want. Even a very small penis can satisfy a woman very effectively. The only penis shape that would be bad would be one which is so large that it causes physical pain, and I would think that such penises would be exceedingly rare.

  30. #30 rigas
    October 3, 2007

    Whats the source of the info? The Daily Mail? In fact, comments in the Daily Mail are very funny. Here also: everybody seems to be taking this information seriously. Its the funnies piece of info I read recently. Just fun! And reading the comments is even more fun. I love that. BTW, following one link proposed above, I conclude that Caprice’s boobs are not sherical but toroidal !

The site is undergoing maintenance presently. Commenting has been disabled. Please check back later!