Respectful Insolence

The best Chick tract ever?

Jack Chick is old. After many years of turning out the most hilariously over-the-top Christian fundamentalist cartoons, you may think he’s lost his edge, but if anything he seems to be getting even loonier. For example, check out his latest tract First Bite:

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Click panel for the tract in all its crazy glory!

Yes, it actually has vampires in it! But, wait. Didn’t Chick in the past do multiple tracts about how Halloween was the tool of Satan? On the other hand, this hilariously unhinged tract from 1991 features Satan as a serial killer, complete with chainsaw. On second thought, Satan as a pumpkinhead-wearing serial killer is definitely better than First Bite. Maybe Chick is slipping.

Comments

  1. #1 PlanetaryGear
    August 30, 2008

    ugg, why did you make me read that?! I kept waiting for the punch line but it never came!

  2. #2 Geis
    August 30, 2008

    Jack’s gone around the bend. Really. It’s one thing to demonize Muslims, Jews, neo-pagans, atheists and others that don’t believe the way he does but vampires? That’s simply insane.

  3. #3 Orac
    August 30, 2008

    You’ve obviously never read Chick tracts before. There are only a two or three endings, of which these are the most common:

    1. The sinner dies and goes to hell, only now realizing his/her mistake for not accepting Jesus.

    2. The formerly evil person accepts Jesus.

  4. #4 Todd
    August 30, 2008

    As a connoisseur and a collector of Chick Tracts, I have to say that one was a bit underwhelming. Not even the “haw, haw, haw” could save it.

  5. #5 The Christian Cynic
    August 30, 2008

    PG, you’re reading it wrong: the whole thing is the punchline.

  6. #6 Jennifer Ouellette
    August 30, 2008

    I grew up reading Jack Chick comments, and agree that this isn’t one of his “best.” (whatever that means) Still, maybe he’s moving into children’s book territory with this tale of the little vampire named Igor who really WANTED to be good and serve Jesus… :)

  7. #7 John Marley
    August 30, 2008

    As a former AD&D geek, my favorite has always been Dark Dungeons. My grandmother gave me that one when I was 14 or 15, right after The 700 Club did an episode about the evils of AD&D. I’m pretty sure she meant for it to “save” me. I laughed so hard I almost choked.

  8. #8 The Christian Cynic
    August 30, 2008

    John, your story reminds me of hearing an episode of Focus on the Family (my parents listened to it on the way to church each week when I was younger, which was a 30 min drive) that talked about the evils of RPGs. I had never even heard of RPGs, D&D, etc. when I was 11 (since I lived the sort of sheltered childhood that would expose me to, well, James Dobson), but I found the whole bit incredibly amusing when played out in a radio drama – and even moreso now, in retrospect.

  9. #9 James
    August 30, 2008

    He’s clearly losing his touch. I have always liked his anti-Dungeons and Dragons one. Does anyone know it? It’s the one in which a bint tops herself after her character is killed, which of course happens all the time…

  10. #10 Kate
    August 30, 2008

    Plus, come on, “Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter” has already been made:

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0311361/

  11. #11 Johnny
    August 30, 2008

    I’d give this tract a 6… You have the “Haw haw”, the stereotypical large Jewish nose on the bad guys, and even “Who’s Jesus?”… all classic Jack.

    But, really, who want’s to live next door to a bunch of vampires? Jack is just taking on a soft target with this one.

  12. #12 Bronze Dog
    August 30, 2008

    I am now compelled to once again drop a link to my Dark Dungeons Rewrite. Think I still have a link to the original, somewhere for those who haven’t seen it.

  13. #13 Zeno
    August 30, 2008

    Whoa! The young vampire’s name was Igor! I am so afwaid! (No wonder lightning flashes at the sound of his name!)

  14. #14 Ambigram
    August 30, 2008

    Here’s a much better vampire story to wash that out of your brain.

  15. #15 Paul Hutch
    August 30, 2008

    Chick is probably reacting the incredible success of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series of vampire stories. The series is all the rage among my teenage nieces and their friends, (Harry Potter is so last year :-).

    http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/twilightseries.html

  16. #16 Bronze Dog
    August 30, 2008

    Okay, so gave myself a bit of time to read, instead of plug myself.

    So… Jack Chick thinks vampires are real, curable, and that Satan likes to dick around with them?

  17. #17 J. J. Ramsey
    August 30, 2008

    Bronze Dog: “I am now compelled to once again drop a link to my Dark Dungeons Rewrite.”

    And then there is the MST3K’d version of Dark Dungeons: http://www.fecundity.com/darkdung/setup.html

  18. #18 Ramel
    August 30, 2008

    I love the virgin sacrifice theme, great way to teach kids the dangers abstinence….

  19. #19 Spook
    August 30, 2008

    Wow, Jesus gives you superpowers?

    I’m in.

  20. #20 James K
    August 30, 2008

    Spook, no its just that as a Cleric of Jesus she gained the ability to turn undead.

    On the other hand the part about making him serve Jesus seems a bit more like rebuking undead. Does that make Jesus an evil god?

  21. #21 Bronze Dog
    August 30, 2008

    Just posted a little something. It seems to me that the only difference between witchcraft and his brand thereof is the ‘power source’ to put it in 4th Edition terms.

    Kind of all makes it seem like red team/blue team rather than good versus evil, doesn’t it?

  22. #22 Leni
    August 30, 2008

    That’s a lie! Jesus can fix anyone!” made me laugh out loud. The “He just chose not to help you, spawn of Satan!” is only implied, but even funnier still.

    That she was praying to Jesus to save souls on Halloween night by giving them candy and comics was pretty hilarious too. She would have been better of as vamp chow at that point. Had they bothered with the details, no doubt the “candy” would have been mini-boxes of decade old, off-brand raisins with cheap toothbrushes taped to them. Or maybe little drink boxes of prune juice.

  23. #23 Adrienne
    August 30, 2008

    I have to admit, when I saw the panel where they were all begging to know the son of Satan’s name…I thought for sure the answer would be “Obama”, not “Igor”.

  24. #24 DLC
    August 30, 2008

    Holy Smokes.
    That’s just bad. . . Really bad. Jack Chick bad.

  25. #25 Ambigram
    August 30, 2008

    Wow, Jesus gives you superpowers?
    “Moon Healing Activation”, specifically…

  26. #26 Gray Falcon
    August 30, 2008

    Shouldn’t that be “Moon Healing Escalation”?

  27. #27 us
    August 30, 2008

    @Gray & Ambigram: No, no–”Rainbow Honeymoon Therapy Kiss!”

  28. #28 Alan Kellogg
    August 31, 2008

    I do believe that Poe’s Law has achieved the status of an axiom.

    Poe’s Axiom: There is nothing anyone can say that would more ridiculous than what a religious extremist can come up with.

  29. #29 Gray Falcon
    August 31, 2008

    I’d say, “Do the later seasons even count?”, but that would just be opening huge can of worms.

    Also, I’d say the Jack has finally lost it, but really, I don’t think he ever had it to begin with.

  30. #30 tincture
    August 31, 2008

    Enter the jabberwock has always been a good place for funny takes on chick.
    http://www.enterthejabberwock.com/?cat=12

  31. #31 Melissa (oddharmonic)
    August 31, 2008

    Paul Hutch: the Twilight series is popular among chick lit readership, too. A former high school classmate of mine just named her child after one of the series’ characters. When I shared that tidbit with my sister, she wailed, “But Rosaline isn’t even one of the nice characters!”

    Me, I’m still amused that one of the neocons I went to school with named their kid after a fictional vampire.

  32. #32 Militant Agnostic
    August 31, 2008

    Igor looks a lot like Aflred E Newman.

  33. #33 tim gueguen
    August 31, 2008

    Its too bad the Twilight series is so popular given that its a pile of dubious crackfic, with vampires that sparkle in the Sun, werewolves that imprint on babies who are their fated mates in adulthood, and a female lead who’s a complete doormat. The latest book, Breaking Dawn, is so cracktastic even some Twilight fans have been freaked out and returned the books.

  34. #34 Christophe Thill
    August 31, 2008

    Seems that Chick doesn’t rant against Halloween anymore. He prefers to suggest that it’s a great opportunity to spread his junk (Faith gives the kids candy and comics…)

  35. #35 Leni
    August 31, 2008

    Tim Gueguen wrote

    …vampires that sparkle in the Sun, werewolves that imprint on babies who are their fated mates in adulthood, and a female lead who’s a complete doormat.

    *sigh*

    That’s too bad. I love the whole vampires thing, they’re such great villains and a great outlet for silliness.

    I’m a big fan of White Wolf’s World of Darkness game (if you don’t already know- don’t ask) and an even bigger Buffy fan, but this schlock just sounds depressing.

  36. #36 Blake Stacey
    August 31, 2008

    Among the vampires, we’ve so far spotted Prof. McGonagall, Richard Dawkins and I think Gandalf.

  37. #37 Chris Ray
    August 31, 2008

    Holy crap, me and Orac had the same idea! I just wrote a post on the Edger blog about Jack Chick’s impending senility. I put it in my URL link so I wouldn’t risk kicking up your spam filter.

  38. #38 Danimal
    August 31, 2008

    I guess I must be warped. When I read chick I thought I would be seeing some hot babe or something. No such luck. Where are the nudey pictures when you need them.

  39. #39 DocWazoo
    August 31, 2008

    I’m not too familiar with Jack Chick, except for some of the strips here and on Pharyngula.
    I must say though, the lead vampire and some of the others look kinda like antisemitic charicatures in the Nazi paper Der Sturmer.

  40. #40 Spaulding
    August 31, 2008

    Except for Wesley Snipes’ twin in panel two!

  41. #41 IBY
    August 31, 2008

    Is this a satire or for real?

  42. #42 Mena
    August 31, 2008

    Danimal, that’s an easy mistake to make. Do a search for “Ghastly’s Ghastly Comic”…
    (Definitely NSFW but not really porn. Just adult humor.)

  43. #43 tincture
    August 31, 2008

    @DocWazoo: That’s the great thing about Chick, it’s so easy to tell who the bad guys are. Bad guys look like Teh Evil Joos and good guys are clean cut aryan folk.

    @IBY: It’s real. Unfortunately.

  44. #44 Monado
    August 31, 2008

    Thank you, Bronze Dog, I was just going to look up your link and post it as a good antidote to Chick’s idiocy.

    The drawings are so bad, it’s hard to recognize anybody.

  45. #45 The Science Pundit
    August 31, 2008

    Of course this track makes the wild assumption that God never lies, but we all know that right from Genesis I, God is a bigger liar than the devil.

  46. #46 David Marjanovi?
    September 1, 2008

    Plus, come on, “Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter” has already been made:

    ROTFLMAO!!!

    I love the virgin sacrifice theme, great way to teach kids the dangers abstinence…

    What I just said.

  47. #47 Orac
    September 1, 2008

    Yes, but if you’re a virgin who believes in Jesus you don’t have to worry about vampires. Jesus will protect you, as this tract clearly shows. :-)

  48. #48 Skwee
    September 1, 2008

    Who else sees Osama bin Laden in the twelfth panel?

  49. #49 Runolfr
    September 2, 2008

    This is rather hilarious. I haven’t seen the full Chick tract yet, because my company firewall is blocking it. Even better, it’s blocked because it’s categorized as “humor/jokes”. I think that says everything that needs to be said.

  50. #50 Johnny
    September 2, 2008

    It was noted on another message board – - –

    Faith is handing out ‘candy and little comics.’

    What if the comics she was passing out was the same comic we’re reading? The mind boggles….

  51. #51 Bronze Dog
    September 2, 2008

    What if the comics she was passing out was the same comic we’re reading? The mind boggles….

    …That is so meta.

  52. #52 llewelly
    September 3, 2008

    Is this a satire or for real?

    Sane people think it’s satire.
    Jack Chick thinks it’s real.

  53. #53 ThunderMonkey
    September 5, 2008

    Wait… that was legit? I thought it was a joke and like someone posted earlier… I kept waiting for the punchline.

  54. #54 Taz
    September 5, 2008

    In the immortal words of Buffy: “Note to self – religion freaky.”

  55. #55 Bronze Dog
    September 5, 2008

    Well, I don’t think I can top the original, but I posted a new Image Dogtoring. It’s still early, so I may do some tweaks.