Orac is the nom de blog of a (not so) humble pseudonymous surgeon/scientist with an ego just big enough to delude himself that someone, somewhere might actually give a rodent's posterior about his miscellaneous verbal meanderings, but just barely small enough to admit to himself that few will. (Continued 
Jack Chick is old. After many years of turning out the most hilariously over-the-top Christian fundamentalist cartoons, you may think he's lost his edge, but if anything he seems to be getting even loonier. For example, check out his latest tract First Bite:
Click panel for the tract in all its crazy glory!
Yes, it actually has vampires in it! But, wait. Didn't Chick in the past do multiple tracts about how Halloween was the tool of Satan? On the other hand, this hilariously unhinged tract from 1991 features Satan as a serial killer, complete with chainsaw. On second thought, Satan as a pumpkinhead-wearing serial killer is definitely better than First Bite. Maybe Chick is slipping.
Comments
ugg, why did you make me read that?! I kept waiting for the punch line but it never came!
Posted by: PlanetaryGear | August 30, 2008 12:46 PM
Jack's gone around the bend. Really. It's one thing to demonize Muslims, Jews, neo-pagans, atheists and others that don't believe the way he does but vampires? That's simply insane.
Posted by: Geis | August 30, 2008 12:51 PM
You've obviously never read Chick tracts before. There are only a two or three endings, of which these are the most common:
1. The sinner dies and goes to hell, only now realizing his/her mistake for not accepting Jesus.
2. The formerly evil person accepts Jesus.
Posted by: Orac | August 30, 2008 12:51 PM
As a connoisseur and a collector of Chick Tracts, I have to say that one was a bit underwhelming. Not even the "haw, haw, haw" could save it.
Posted by: Todd | August 30, 2008 12:56 PM
PG, you're reading it wrong: the whole thing is the punchline.
Posted by: The Christian Cynic | August 30, 2008 1:04 PM
I grew up reading Jack Chick comments, and agree that this isn't one of his "best." (whatever that means) Still, maybe he's moving into children's book territory with this tale of the little vampire named Igor who really WANTED to be good and serve Jesus... :)
Posted by: Jennifer Ouellette | August 30, 2008 1:07 PM
As a former AD&D geek, my favorite has always been Dark Dungeons. My grandmother gave me that one when I was 14 or 15, right after The 700 Club did an episode about the evils of AD&D. I'm pretty sure she meant for it to "save" me. I laughed so hard I almost choked.
Posted by: John Marley | August 30, 2008 1:19 PM
John, your story reminds me of hearing an episode of Focus on the Family (my parents listened to it on the way to church each week when I was younger, which was a 30 min drive) that talked about the evils of RPGs. I had never even heard of RPGs, D&D, etc. when I was 11 (since I lived the sort of sheltered childhood that would expose me to, well, James Dobson), but I found the whole bit incredibly amusing when played out in a radio drama - and even moreso now, in retrospect.
Posted by: The Christian Cynic | August 30, 2008 1:26 PM
He's clearly losing his touch. I have always liked his anti-Dungeons and Dragons one. Does anyone know it? It's the one in which a bint tops herself after her character is killed, which of course happens all the time...
Posted by: James | August 30, 2008 1:31 PM
Plus, come on, "Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter" has already been made:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0311361/
Posted by: Kate | August 30, 2008 1:36 PM
I'd give this tract a 6... You have the "Haw haw", the stereotypical large Jewish nose on the bad guys, and even "Who's Jesus?"... all classic Jack.
But, really, who want's to live next door to a bunch of vampires? Jack is just taking on a soft target with this one.
Posted by: Johnny | August 30, 2008 1:54 PM
I am now compelled to once again drop a link to my Dark Dungeons Rewrite. Think I still have a link to the original, somewhere for those who haven't seen it.
Posted by: Bronze Dog | August 30, 2008 2:28 PM
Whoa! The young vampire's name was Igor! I am so afwaid! (No wonder lightning flashes at the sound of his name!)
Posted by: Zeno | August 30, 2008 2:36 PM
Here's a much better vampire story to wash that out of your brain.
Posted by: Ambigram | August 30, 2008 3:02 PM
Chick is probably reacting the incredible success of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series of vampire stories. The series is all the rage among my teenage nieces and their friends, (Harry Potter is so last year :-).
http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/twilightseries.html
Posted by: Paul Hutch | August 30, 2008 3:09 PM
Okay, so gave myself a bit of time to read, instead of plug myself.
So... Jack Chick thinks vampires are real, curable, and that Satan likes to dick around with them?
Posted by: Bronze Dog | August 30, 2008 3:18 PM
Bronze Dog: "I am now compelled to once again drop a link to my Dark Dungeons Rewrite."
And then there is the MST3K'd version of Dark Dungeons: http://www.fecundity.com/darkdung/setup.html
Posted by: J. J. Ramsey | August 30, 2008 3:50 PM
I love the virgin sacrifice theme, great way to teach kids the dangers abstinence....
Posted by: Ramel | August 30, 2008 4:13 PM
Wow, Jesus gives you superpowers?
I'm in.
Posted by: Spook | August 30, 2008 4:50 PM
Spook, no its just that as a Cleric of Jesus she gained the ability to turn undead.
On the other hand the part about making him serve Jesus seems a bit more like rebuking undead. Does that make Jesus an evil god?
Posted by: James K | August 30, 2008 4:57 PM
Just posted a little something. It seems to me that the only difference between witchcraft and his brand thereof is the 'power source' to put it in 4th Edition terms.
Kind of all makes it seem like red team/blue team rather than good versus evil, doesn't it?
Posted by: Bronze Dog | August 30, 2008 5:03 PM
"That's a lie! Jesus can fix anyone!" made me laugh out loud. The "He just chose not to help you, spawn of Satan!" is only implied, but even funnier still.
That she was praying to Jesus to save souls on Halloween night by giving them candy and comics was pretty hilarious too. She would have been better of as vamp chow at that point. Had they bothered with the details, no doubt the "candy" would have been mini-boxes of decade old, off-brand raisins with cheap toothbrushes taped to them. Or maybe little drink boxes of prune juice.
Posted by: Leni | August 30, 2008 6:38 PM
I have to admit, when I saw the panel where they were all begging to know the son of Satan's name...I thought for sure the answer would be "Obama", not "Igor".
Posted by: Adrienne | August 30, 2008 6:51 PM
Holy Smokes.
That's just bad. . . Really bad. Jack Chick bad.
Posted by: DLC | August 30, 2008 8:18 PM
Wow, Jesus gives you superpowers?
"Moon Healing Activation", specifically...
Posted by: Ambigram | August 30, 2008 8:49 PM
Shouldn't that be "Moon Healing Escalation"?
Posted by: Gray Falcon | August 30, 2008 10:04 PM
@Gray & Ambigram: No, no--"Rainbow Honeymoon Therapy Kiss!"
Posted by: us | August 30, 2008 10:54 PM
I do believe that Poe's Law has achieved the status of an axiom.
Poe's Axiom: There is nothing anyone can say that would more ridiculous than what a religious extremist can come up with.
Posted by: Alan Kellogg | August 31, 2008 12:09 AM
I'd say, "Do the later seasons even count?", but that would just be opening huge can of worms.
Also, I'd say the Jack has finally lost it, but really, I don't think he ever had it to begin with.
Posted by: Gray Falcon | August 31, 2008 12:10 AM
Enter the jabberwock has always been a good place for funny takes on chick.
http://www.enterthejabberwock.com/?cat=12
Posted by: tincture | August 31, 2008 12:45 AM
Paul Hutch: the Twilight series is popular among chick lit readership, too. A former high school classmate of mine just named her child after one of the series' characters. When I shared that tidbit with my sister, she wailed, "But Rosaline isn't even one of the nice characters!"
Me, I'm still amused that one of the neocons I went to school with named their kid after a fictional vampire.
Posted by: Melissa (oddharmonic) | August 31, 2008 5:11 AM
Igor looks a lot like Aflred E Newman.
Posted by: Militant Agnostic | August 31, 2008 10:53 AM
Its too bad the Twilight series is so popular given that its a pile of dubious crackfic, with vampires that sparkle in the Sun, werewolves that imprint on babies who are their fated mates in adulthood, and a female lead who's a complete doormat. The latest book, Breaking Dawn, is so cracktastic even some Twilight fans have been freaked out and returned the books.
Posted by: tim gueguen | August 31, 2008 1:03 PM
Seems that Chick doesn't rant against Halloween anymore. He prefers to suggest that it's a great opportunity to spread his junk (Faith gives the kids candy and comics...)
Posted by: Christophe Thill | August 31, 2008 3:08 PM
Tim Gueguen wrote
*sigh*
That's too bad. I love the whole vampires thing, they're such great villains and a great outlet for silliness.
I'm a big fan of White Wolf's World of Darkness game (if you don't already know- don't ask) and an even bigger Buffy fan, but this schlock just sounds depressing.
Posted by: Leni | August 31, 2008 3:36 PM
Among the vampires, we've so far spotted Prof. McGonagall, Richard Dawkins and I think Gandalf.
Posted by: Blake Stacey | August 31, 2008 3:54 PM
Holy crap, me and Orac had the same idea! I just wrote a post on the Edger blog about Jack Chick's impending senility. I put it in my URL link so I wouldn't risk kicking up your spam filter.
Posted by: Chris Ray | August 31, 2008 4:25 PM
I guess I must be warped. When I read chick I thought I would be seeing some hot babe or something. No such luck. Where are the nudey pictures when you need them.
Posted by: Danimal | August 31, 2008 5:26 PM
I'm not too familiar with Jack Chick, except for some of the strips here and on Pharyngula.
I must say though, the lead vampire and some of the others look kinda like antisemitic charicatures in the Nazi paper Der Sturmer.
Posted by: DocWazoo | August 31, 2008 5:29 PM
Except for Wesley Snipes' twin in panel two!
Posted by: Spaulding | August 31, 2008 6:18 PM
Is this a satire or for real?
Posted by: IBY | August 31, 2008 7:09 PM
Danimal, that's an easy mistake to make. Do a search for "Ghastly's Ghastly Comic"...
(Definitely NSFW but not really porn. Just adult humor.)
Posted by: Mena | August 31, 2008 7:39 PM
@DocWazoo: That's the great thing about Chick, it's so easy to tell who the bad guys are. Bad guys look like Teh Evil Joos and good guys are clean cut aryan folk.
@IBY: It's real. Unfortunately.
Posted by: tincture | August 31, 2008 7:59 PM
Thank you, Bronze Dog, I was just going to look up your link and post it as a good antidote to Chick's idiocy.
The drawings are so bad, it's hard to recognize anybody.
Posted by: Monado | August 31, 2008 8:44 PM
Of course this track makes the wild assumption that God never lies, but we all know that right from Genesis I, God is a bigger liar than the devil.
Posted by: The Science Pundit | August 31, 2008 9:25 PM
ROTFLMAO!!!
What I just said.
Posted by: David Marjanović | September 1, 2008 10:04 AM
Yes, but if you're a virgin who believes in Jesus you don't have to worry about vampires. Jesus will protect you, as this tract clearly shows. :-)
Posted by: Orac | September 1, 2008 10:17 AM
Who else sees Osama bin Laden in the twelfth panel?
Posted by: Skwee | September 1, 2008 11:28 AM
This is rather hilarious. I haven't seen the full Chick tract yet, because my company firewall is blocking it. Even better, it's blocked because it's categorized as "humor/jokes". I think that says everything that needs to be said.
Posted by: Runolfr | September 2, 2008 11:18 AM
It was noted on another message board - - -
Faith is handing out 'candy and little comics.'
What if the comics she was passing out was the same comic we're reading? The mind boggles....
Posted by: Johnny | September 2, 2008 8:02 PM
...That is so meta.
Posted by: Bronze Dog | September 2, 2008 10:47 PM
Posted by: llewelly | September 3, 2008 6:22 PM
Wait... that was legit? I thought it was a joke and like someone posted earlier... I kept waiting for the punchline.
Posted by: ThunderMonkey | September 5, 2008 11:43 AM
In the immortal words of Buffy: "Note to self - religion freaky."
Posted by: Taz | September 5, 2008 12:07 PM
Well, I don't think I can top the original, but I posted a new Image Dogtoring. It's still early, so I may do some tweaks.
Posted by: Bronze Dog | September 5, 2008 10:35 PM