Respectful Insolence

Every so often someone shows me something that so amuses me that I either must have one or must blog about it. This time around, it was my wife. Last weekend, we were reading the newspapers. On the weekend, we happen to get the New York Times as well as our local newspaper. There, ensconsed in the USA Weekend advertisement section stuffed into the local newspaper, I saw it. I saw it, and I had to have it.

Well, not really. But I had to blog about it anyway.

Ask yourself: When you’re in pain, what do you need? Is it enough just to have the power of magnet woo to heal you? Of course not! You need the triple threat, especially if that triple threat includes the healing power of Jesus. And there’s only one product out there that can provide the triple threat, triple punch, religiously woo-tastic body blow to your pain that we all need and want. Are you ready?

Are you ready for the Copper Magnetic Therapy Jesus Bracelet? After all, it has the soothing power of copper, the penetrating power of magnets, and the healing power of Jesus, all rolled up into a single bracelet! Check it out:

i-0ba330bb599e44d0cacb82c81af8d2a9-jesusbracelet.jpg

COMBINES THE MOST POWERFUL FORCES OF HEAVEN AND EARTH

Do you believe? Wear this solid COPPER MAGNETIC THERAPY JESUS BRACELET for the most powerful healing and comfort you’ve ever experienced! COPPER has been relied on for centuries to ease the pain of arthritis. MAGNETS are used therapeutically to ease muscle pain, tendonitis, bursitis, back pain, poor circulation and more. And faith in the miracles of JESUS can not only protect you from physical pain, but soothe your soul in times of stress! Fully adjustable to fit most wrists.

I love that last part. After all, what good is the healing power of Jesus if it doesn’t fit your wrist?

I did have one question, though. Copper is not magnetic. So how is it that this wonder bracelet has, in addition to the aforementioned healing power of Jesus that derives from stamping Jesus’ name on the bracelet, magnetic powers as well? Is it Jesus exercising His power? Or did the manufacturer slip some iron in there? Inquiring minds want to know!

Another question: Shouldn’t the healing power of Jesus enough? Doesn’t the healing power of Jesus render whatever woo-tastic wonder of magnetic copper healing imbued in the bracelet rather superfluous? You’d think so. Or, at least, I’d think so. But apparently I’m wrong.

Jesus needs magnets and copper to heal you. Truly, the Lord works in mysterious ways. All for $9.97. What a bargain!

Or maybe Jesus isn’t your thing. No problem! The appropriately named Dream Products, Inc. Catalog can fix you up with an acupressure ring with magnets (of course!) or a genuine stone acupressure ring with magnets, an astrology pendant, magnetic therapy ankle bracelets, or even a mystical pentacle charged with “unseen” magical and spiritual power (no doubt the “unseen” is the most accurate word there).

Truly, if you want woo, you’ve got woo.

Comments

  1. #1 Free Lunch
    April 2, 2010

    Anyone who believes the rest of the spiel will believe that these folks found a way to magnetize copper. Reality will not deter them.

  2. #2 DatabaseError
    April 2, 2010

    I’d assume that those two round bits at the ends would be the (most likely ferrous) magnets. They appear to be copper plated, however.

  3. #3 qbsmd
    April 2, 2010

    Jesus is a high temperature superconductor. Duh.

  4. #4 JonF
    April 2, 2010

    For $9.97 it is a bargain. So much that I’m thinking it’s probably not even all made out of copper, since copper is pretty expensive as far as common metals go and I’m assuming these are manufactured for 50 cents apiece. My bet is that it’s made out of the same cheap nickel alloy most junk jewelry is made out of and it’s been copper plated, probably with a couple of button-sized refrigerator magnets on the ends.

  5. #5 JonF
    April 2, 2010

    Oh, and 3000 Gauss is 0.3 Tesla, which, while possible to achieve with permanent magnets, is basically well within the realm of rare-earth magnets:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neodymium_magnet

    Which, I’m pretty sure, would jack up the price to a bit more than 10 bucks.

  6. #6 James Sweet
    April 2, 2010

    Truly, Poe’s Law at work. Until you said the ad was in USA Today, I was convinced you had been taken in by a parody website.

    Another question: Shouldn’t the healing power of Jesus enough? Doesn’t the healing power of Jesus render whatever woo-tastic wonder of magnetic copper healing imbued in the bracelet rather superfluous? You’d think so.

    Meh. Assuming one characterizes Jeebus as all-knowing and all-good, the idea of invoking His blessings with a copper bracelet is no more or less absurd than the idea of invoking His blessings with imprecatory prayer. If he’s all-knowing, he already knows what you need; and if he’s all-good, he’s only got one potential course of action (the goodiest one!) so trying to boss him around is not likely to be effective.

    In a sense, the copper bracelet might be less absurd. Maybe God is all-knowing and all-good, but not all-powerful… and he needs a copper bracelet (with magnets!) in order to, like, bless you or something. [shrug] Seriously, it’s no more crazy than anything else that Jeebites believe.

  7. #7 Scott
    April 2, 2010

    @5:

    Ah, but they said it has the “penetrating power of” 3000 Gauss magnets. Plenty of wiggle room there – I’ll readily agree that their tiny refrigerator magnets have the same power to penetrate inch-thick titanium by being dropped from 1mm as does a 3000 Gauss magnet.

  8. #8 Luna_the_cat
    April 2, 2010

    Oh. Dear. This is…um….

    Oh, I hope my mother doesn’t see this. She’d buy one. :facepalm:

  9. Which, I’m pretty sure, would jack up the price to a bit more than 10 bucks.

    These days, you can buy small neodymium magnets very cheaply from just about any craft store, so they’re not likely to jack up the cost of these bracelets that much if bought in bulk.

    Not that this makes the bracelets any less silly… :)

  10. #10 DonZilla
    April 2, 2010

    I hope Jesus gets some royalties out of this. :) Thanks Orac for the quality LOLs as usual!

  11. #11 Scott Cunningham
    April 2, 2010

    Wow. Simply wow.

    This makes the Q-ray bracelet ad beside it look tame. And ironic, being a Q-ray ad on a science blog.

  12. #12 Chemgeek
    April 2, 2010

    $9.97?!?!?!?!? For the healing power of Jesus!!!! Our Lord and Savior is probably really pissed that his services are being discounted at such a rate. I would have been willing to pay at least $19.99 in two easy monthly installments for this fantastic healing power.

    Does anyone know how much the water to wine service costs? That would be cool.

  13. #13 Dr. Mary Johnson
    April 2, 2010

    I bought a stretchy bracelet composed of tiny portraits of Jesus intersperced with hematite a year or so ago at Books-A-Million for less than five dollars (you can get them with angels too). I do not think it was “blessed” by our Lord, but I dunno. If I had to wager, I’d guess He did not get a cut of the action.

    Perhaps it is WOO, but the bracelet has been quite soothing over an old wrist fracture. I wear it often and get lots of compliments.

    Occasionally, when I look at/fiddle with it, I take time to ponder Him and that also makes me smile. Therefore it is quite soothing to the soul as well.

  14. #14 ancientTechie
    April 2, 2010

    #8, I hear you. A vendor could quite a few of these things at our family get-together, this weekend.

  15. #15 SirLoins
    April 2, 2010

    I don’t know that Jesus would approve of his face being fiddled with…You’d think the son of god earned some respect.

  16. #16 Jojo
    April 2, 2010

    Wow, they sell everything on that website. I was really impressed with the Miracle Magnet Toilet Cleaner. Just drop it in the tank and the magnetic field forces all the minerals to flush down the drain. (Scratches head)I’m really disappointed though, I was hoping for something more powerful, like a Miracle Magnet Jesus Toilet Cleaner. Now that would be all kinds of awesome. I wonder why they haven’t thought of that idea?

    It might also give a whole new meaning to the saying “praying to the porcelain god”.

  17. #17 Todd W.
    April 2, 2010

    Doesn’t this go against the whole graven image thing? Idolatry and all that…

  18. #18 Luna_the_cat
    April 2, 2010

    Todd W. — I see this usage of Jesus as being very much on par with the irony of, say, people who Want To Protect The US Flag From Desecration wearing American flag shirts & shorts and use of the flag as decoration, given Section 8 of the US Flag Code.

  19. #19 Bronze Dog
    April 2, 2010

    It needs to be made of copper, since we all know God’s kryptonite is iron chariots.

  20. #20 The Gregarious Misanthrope
    April 2, 2010

    …the westernization of a dead Palestinian press-ganged into selling… Copper Magnetic Therapy Jesus Bracelets!

    -with apologies to Tim Minchin

  21. #21 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    April 2, 2010

    I’m glad they included the picture of Jesus.

    Thank goodness it’s the real Jesus and not some made up swarthy character.

    Because then the copper and magnets wouldn’t work.

  22. #22 Enkidu
    April 2, 2010

    Such a great laugh, I had to share it with the labmates. Thanks Orac!

  23. #23 JonF
    April 2, 2010

    “These days, you can buy small neodymium magnets very cheaply from just about any craft store, so they’re not likely to jack up the cost of these bracelets that much if bought in bulk.”

    Huh, good to know! I’m willing to bet they’re still just refrigerator magnets, if only because one could seriously pinch a finger getting it stuck between attracting magnets of that force. A finger, that is, or maybe even a palm… enough to cause a stigmata, perhaps?

  24. #24 red rabbit
    April 2, 2010

    Where I live, those things would sell like hotcakes. I’m half tempted to get a franchise…. only not.

  25. #25 Daniel J. Andrews
    April 2, 2010

    These were probably the types of things they were selling in the temple when Jesus showed up, got angry, overturned tables and drove the merchants out with a whip yelling something about a den of thieves. I suspect he’d have the same reaction if he were around today (then he’d be put in jail for assault, destroying property, and if he looked like he did 2000 years ago, get stuck in Git Bay as a suspected terrorist).

    Heh…for those who like to ask themselves, What Would Jesus Do?, I say there’s pretty good scriptural evidence that he’d physically attack scammers who hijacked religious ideals for profit.

  26. #26 Sir Eccles
    April 2, 2010

    Wow, my watch has stopped working just reading that. Clearly powerful stuff, it’s no wonder Jesus endorses the product.

  27. #27 speedwell
    April 2, 2010

    Wouldn’t the wearing of magnets of that force automatically preserve you from the evils of computing?

  28. #28 bleumaxx
    April 2, 2010

    well.I will only order IF they are shipped wrapped securely in aluminum foil, because I dont want all that magnetism, copper effect, and Good Christian karma leaking out all over the post office while in transit.

    Does anyone know if you can safely wear them while talking on a cell phone or wearing a those wonderful toxin extracting foot pads? I woo-d hate to overdose on karmic effects, or have some sort of a woo-pathic drug/energy interaction.

    Wonder if wearing the bracelet while performing homeopathic mixing and shaking procedures would result in some sort of TURBO-fabulous mega effect (1000 times ZERO= … ZERO)?

    Happy Passover/Easter/ Incredibly pleasant weather weekend, folks.

  29. #29 the Blind Watchmaker
    April 2, 2010

    I think this is the same stuff that gave Wonder Woman her bullet deflecting powers.

    Someone should market this stuff to the military.

  30. #30 Ian
    April 2, 2010

    @Daniel J. Andrews

    Well done. A little scriptural knowledge in the hands of a critical thinker is a dangerous thing to fundies.

  31. #31 blf
    April 2, 2010

    The magnetised copper is a relic from the Ark of the Convent, and summons the Sky Faeries to cure you.

  32. #32 Sigivald
    April 2, 2010

    JonF: Naw, little NIB magnets cost a few cents.

    Someone on Amazon, for instance, is selling 100 for $5.99.

    They’re cheap these days.

  33. #33 Alison Singer
    April 2, 2010

    Does it come in blue?

  34. #34 doctorgoo
    April 2, 2010

    Really, this stuff is getting absolutely silly!

    In SE Asia (I know both Thailand and Malaysia specifically have these ads running on TV), there is a product called Vakoou, that is supposedly all the rage here in the US.*

    http://www.vakoou-usa.com/index.html

    (and http://www.vakoou.com, too)

    I wish I could find a decent translator for this page, but maybe some Japanese readers can help out. Basically, I think it’s saying that it uses magnets/crystals/copper/etc (whatever… does it really matter?) to increase penile blood circulation and therefore increase penis size.

    But in truth, all that they’re selling is padded underwear that makes it look like they have a bigger johnson when worn under their clothes.

    *I find it interesting that just like Western Woo says that it’s based on Oriental Principles, that Eastern Woo often sells itself as being based on Western ideas too. If Americans do it, it MUST be real!!

  35. #35 nsib
    April 2, 2010

    I wish I could find a decent translator for this page, but maybe some Japanese readers can help out.

    I would love to help (I could use the practice), but that site is in Chinese, not Japanese. Hopefully someone else could translate; especially that list of the ten major features of the product. Should be good for quite a few laughs.

  36. #36 Urmensch
    April 2, 2010

    Given the recent findings on the effects of transcranial magnetic stimulation on morality, I expect that we will soon have them adding that the bracelets can make you a better person.

  37. #37 TriathNanEilean
    April 2, 2010

    Orac, I’m a bit worried about:

    “Every so often someone shows me something that so amuses me that I either must have one or must blog about it. This time around, it was my wife.”

    I think you are telling us that your wife so amused you that you had to either have her or blog about her. I’ll let you tell us which one … no, on second thoughts, don’t bother.

  38. #38 GaryB
    April 2, 2010

    I find that copper Jesuses turn my skin green.

  39. #39 Jon H
    April 2, 2010

    Boy, they really missed the boat.

    Why stop at the power of Heaven and Earth? Why not go for Heaven, HELL, and Earth?

    A tiny goat-head in a pentagram ought to do the trick.

    They could probably come up with some ad copy suggesting that the arrangement of glyphs, and the materials, held Satan within the control of Jesus, and thus guaranteed that Hell’s power would be used for your benefit, and not harm anyone.

  40. #40 qbsmd
    April 2, 2010

    Does it come in blue?

    Posted by: Alison Singer

    Sure, just wash it in vinegar and in minutes it will magically turn blue. Blue-green anyway.

  41. #41 DLC
    April 2, 2010

    I’m torn between laughing at the idea that people are conning folks out of money with the image of Yeshua Ben Joseph, noted bronze age confidence trickster and bemoaning that they are using the imagined image and name of a bronze age philosopher for profit.

  42. #42 DLC
    April 2, 2010

    Man I wish sciblogs had post editing.
    Oh well.
    My last (@40) should have read :
    ” . . . noted bronze age confidence trickster; and bemoaning. . . ”

  43. #43 SnottyProfessor
    April 3, 2010

    Aren’t they saying that it will “cure, treat or prevent disease”? Is there a quack miranda warning somewhere?

  44. #44 Seb30
    April 3, 2010

    Out of topic (although still woo), a graph from Information is Beautiful to follow in real-time your favorite food supplement, in function of its Google popularity, and of the amount of evidence regarding its supposed effects.
    http://www.informationisbeautiful.net/play/snake-oil-supplements/

    I dunno about the actual quality of the evidences used to make this graph, but the graph itself is fantastic.

  45. #45 pickwick2
    April 4, 2010

    Does it come in blue?

    Posted by: Alison Singer

    Sure, just wash it in vinegar and in minutes it will magically turn blue. Blue-green anyway.

    What colour will the Jesus picture turn after being thus washed? If it turns green, too, does that prove he was an extraterrestrial?

  46. #46 mark
    April 4, 2010

    Do they have a version to help erectile dysfunction?

  47. #47 Mom and MD
    April 4, 2010

    Do you suppose this woo-dget will activate the DNA too?

  48. #48 DayOwl
    April 5, 2010

    If it leaves a green ring around my wrist, does that mean it’s working?

  49. #49 Andreas Johansson
    April 6, 2010

    I’m torn between laughing at the idea that people are conning folks out of money with the image of Yeshua Ben Joseph, noted bronze age confidence trickster and bemoaning that they are using the imagined image and name of a bronze age philosopher for profit.

    The Palestinian bronze age ended over a millenium before Jesus’s time.

    (Oddly, common as this error is, I almost never see it corrected by Christians. It’s almost as if they’re violently clueless about the origins of their religion.)

  50. #50 Christophe Thill
    April 6, 2010

    I hope they sell it in the Spanish speaking world too. Many people will be glad to have a bracelet inscribed with their first name.

    But is it really ok to sell pentacle pendants as well as Jesus bracelets ?

  51. #51 m5
    April 6, 2010

    dreamproductscatalog -> dream product: scat, a log

    seems appropriate