Respectful Insolence

I’m a dog lover. I love dogs as pets and can’t imagine my life without having a dog as a pet. When our dog Echo died unexpectedly of a particularly nasty form of cancer at 8 years of age, I was devastated. Our current dog is a great dog, and quite the character.

But what would I do if I were one of those fundamentalist Christians who apparently believe that we are at most 26 hours from the Rapture? (Or maybe not. No one said what time zone is the time zone that determines when the Rapture occurs.) I’d be whiffed straight up to heaven, but what about my dog? He’d be left to fend for himself! What would happen to him? Thanks to Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA, a group of friendly, pet-loving atheists who know they aren’t going to be whisked off to heaven tomorrow, I wouldn’t have to worry:

You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

We are currently active in 26 states, employing 40 pet rescuers. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet’s natural life.

What’s the charge for this service? A mere $135. A pittance! A bargain! Got any questions? Check out the FAQ:

Q: How do you ensure your representatives won’t be Raptured?

A: Actually, we don’t ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with
Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.

And, more importantly, because time is of the essence:

Q: When the Rapture occurs, how long before my pet is rescued?

A: The timing is contingent on the number of subscribers we have in each state/region and travel distance. Our rescuers know that this is a time sensitive service. Pets’ lives are at stake. We will limit the number of subscribers in each zone so that any given rescuer will not be over burdened. Naturally, we must anticipate that there will be widespread chaos and confusion immediately following the Rapture that could impact travel times. Thus, we are targeting a maximum of between 18- 24 hours from realization of the Rapture, to animal rescue.

All I can say, as a dog aficionado, this is pure genius. It’s also likely to be pure profit. I only wish I had thought of it first!

Comments

  1. #1 zackoz
    May 20, 2011

    What’s the betting they got no takers?

    Then again, if they did get any custom, they’d probably get quite a shock.

    Here in eastern Australia, it’s 12 noon on 21 May but no sign of any Rapture yet, let alone any rapture either.

  2. #2 Cuttlefish
    May 20, 2011

    http://digitalcuttlefish.blogspot.com/2011/05/psa-post-rapture-pet-care.html

    Actually, Zackoz, he’s had takers–actually had to raise his prices to the current $135 from, I think, $111, because of increased demand. And his is not the only service!

  3. #3 NewEnglandBob
    May 20, 2011

    I’ve known Bart Centre from his book and his blog for a couple of years and have met him. He is a great guy.

    They have about 250 (ish) number of paying customers.

  4. #4 Philip Langmuir
    May 20, 2011

    The Rapture’s scheduled to occur at 6pm local time. After all, if it happened in the morning, the sinners wouldn’t have time to repent.

  5. #5 Jud
    May 20, 2011

    A tank of helium, a pile of thrift store clothing, blow-up dolls, voila!: Rapture balloons!

  6. #6 The Gregarious Misanthrope
    May 21, 2011

    @Jud

    You’d have to get some cheaply made blow-up dolls for them to be light enough, I would think. The upside is they already have a surprised look on their faces. :O

    It’s after 6 pm in the western pacific, no rapture report yet. Camping’s excuses should be entertaining.

    I hope the pet rescuers made it clear there would be no refunds.

  7. #7 Kat
    May 21, 2011

    It’s 5:20pm here in Auckland, and I don’t see any signs of impending doom (unless the sun setting counts, but that happens every day)!

    I’m pretty sure I’ll be ‘left behind’ anyhow, so maybe I should crack open a bottle of chardonnay… but should all the other people disappear overnight, I’m happy to help look after their dogs :-)

  8. #8 novalox
    May 21, 2011

    A bit off topic, but still a bit funny

    I actually got confronted by one of these people yesterday.

    When he said that the world was going to end, I just shrugged him off.

    Then when he said that I was going to hell for not believing, I said something to the effect of “Yeah, I know I’ll be taking a swan dive into the lake of fire, I just want to know how deep I can get.”

    That shut him up pretty quick.

    (For the record, I’m Christian, but I couldn’t resist being snarky in that situation)

  9. #9 Sauceress
    May 21, 2011

    Wonder how many gave all their money and worldly possessions away?
    Maybe I should have started advertising my atheist and money manager status a little earlier. Oh well there’s always next time. The next one is 2012 isn’t it?

  10. #10 blf
    May 21, 2011

    I cannot find it now, but there was an article in the Grauniad yesterday(?) that mentioned a similar scheme (this one wasn’t for pets but for something else, cannot recall what now), and ended with a great quote from the scheme’s operator. Paraphrasing from memory, “Our clients will have a second problem on May 22nd. We don’t give refunds.”

  11. #11 Sharon
    May 21, 2011

    So what happens tomorrow when people want their money back?

  12. #12 bushpiglet
    May 21, 2011

    In the immortal words of one Charles M Schulz

    ““Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”

  13. #13 Kierra
    May 21, 2011

    What a rip off. This place will do it for $10: http://www.aftertherapturepetcare.com/

  14. #14 Neil Craig
    May 21, 2011

    And how many years from the catastrophic global warming with 20 ft sea level rise your pal Al Gore, who you assure us “got the science mostly right” promised?

    Orac you are not in a position to criticise anybody else when you are profiting from eco-Nazi lies.

  15. #15 DLC
    May 21, 2011

    I’m so blasted tired of End of the World crap. I’ll be Left Behind, so I can continue to care for my dog.

  16. #16 prn
    May 21, 2011

    Lest this seem like absolutely free money, I wonder how Jonestown and Heaven’s Gate type incidents resolve with unhappy relatives…

  17. #17 Denice Walter
    May 21, 2011

    My friends wanted to reserve at the *Restaurant at the End of the Universe*, but were told that it was already booked solid so I am now trying to find an apropo place for us to sit and scoff- I’m was leaning toward Chelsea but one of the hipster havens north on the river sounds so much better because a nice view helps *any* situation. So does Indian food.

  18. #18 ArtK
    May 21, 2011

    On the one hand, I like this. It’s brilliant. On the other hand, I wonder about the morality of taking advantage of intellectually-challenged people. Is this any different than seeing how much money the woo-peddlers make and starting ones own woo, knowing that it’s bogus?

  19. #19 MeofCourse
    May 21, 2011

    Actually, we don’t ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with
    Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.

    This gave me some serious lulz. I’d let them watch my dog on that basis alone.

  20. #20 Old Rockin' Dave
    May 21, 2011

    Don’t forget to send this link to anyone out there who expected to be flying away by now:
    http://www.nelsonhaha.com/

  21. #21 LW
    May 21, 2011

    I showed this post to a friend last night while waiting for a plane in Dallas. Once we finally got airborne, I heard someone behind us ask casually, “isn’t the end of the world in a couple of days?” then he and the person next to them started talking about this service. We were very amused.

    Oh, and the world has not yet ended in the Central Time zone.

  22. #22 MeofCourse
    May 21, 2011

    LW, I believe it is supposed to occur at 6pm, though they weren’t specific about which time zone. Also, there’s supposed to be a great earthquake that lets us know it’s about to happen.

    I haven’t seen any news from other areas of the world, like Australia or the Phillipines. I guess only Americans will be saved in the Rapture, so I guess Mr. Camping thinks that the rest of the world are a bunch of Godless Heathens.

    Disclaimer: The above was satirical and I in no way mean to imply that the rest of the world are Godless Heathens. Sincerely, a Godless Heathen.

  23. #23 John Phillips, FCD
    May 21, 2011

    @ArtK, well I would rather one of ‘ours’ get the money than any of the religiotard conmen, if only in the very dim hope that the buyers of the service might learn something. Though fair play, you have to give them kudos for thinking about their pets in the event they are raptured.

  24. #24 Sastra
    May 21, 2011

    The Rapture (this one, the next one, or the ones that come after that) could also I think be used as a money-making opportunity for an enterprising evangelical apologist. For a small fee, he will write out for you, personally, an argument resting on conservative Biblical principles conclusively demonstrating that any pets of the Saved will also be raptured at the same time as their masters. How hard could it be, to come up with a way to persuade fundamentalist pet-loving rapture-believers that this follows logically from this bit of holy scripture here added to this passage from holy scripture there? It’s not exactly going to be a hard audience to convince.

    And if you’re already a Biblical literalist evangelical apologist, that takes away any concerns you might have about taking advantage of the gullible.

  25. #25 LW
    May 21, 2011

    “I haven’t seen any news from other areas of the world, like Australia or the Phillipines.”

    Mephistopheles O’Brien explained to me that this is because the state-controlled media are suppressing the truth.

  26. #26 David N. Brown
    May 21, 2011

    ” No one said what time zone is the time zone that determines when the Rapture occurs”

    Biblical passages should always be interpreted in light of their original context, so that would be Israel’s time zone. Except, there’s nothing that precise in Jesus’ prophecies.

    Also, a conundrum I’ve considered: What if the world ended, but nobody noticed?

  27. #27 Dianne
    May 21, 2011

    It’s 9 pm where I am and no rapture appears to have occurred. Perhaps, this being decadent old Europe, it’s just that no one here is good enough to be raptured.

  28. #28 MeofCourse
    May 21, 2011

    Ah, apparently Mr. Camping has called off The Rapture. Whew…that was a close one! The good news is that it’s not the end of the world for him (rimshot).

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZQ5zC9mG5Q

    And all of those pets will not lose their humans.

  29. #29 Diane
    May 21, 2011

    Well, you know, the Rapture could actually be happening right now, but the number of Raptured people is so incredibly low, you can’t actually tell. That’d be a bummer for people who thought they’d be one of the Chosen.

  30. #30 RJ
    May 21, 2011

    Oh oh!

    I don’t want to alarm anybody, but I was looking at the “activity map” at the end of the thread, and it’s awfully quite in New Zealand, Australia, Japan, and Asia through to Saudi Arabia. There is no contact with Africa or most of South America. Can we get a confirmation that the rapture isn’t underway in those key locations? and someone check on Greenland while they’re at it. This might be the first step in the process leading to the end of the world.

  31. #31 RJ
    May 21, 2011

    BTW, there were about 50 or so people on the side of the street today with warning signs about the end of the world and that it’s not too late to repent (maybe even make a donation while you’re at it), on may way to the lab this morning.

    Can’t wait to see their faces tomorrow! As the wise prophet Homer once stated “Doh!”.

  32. #32 Ken
    May 21, 2011

    The part I don’t understand is why anyone who believes in the Rapture would want this service. According to that belief system, after the Rapture the rest of the planet gets wiped out by wars, pestilence, famine, earthquakes, seas turning to blood, et cetera. If I believed all that, I might consider a service that offered to shoot my pet – but going around to my (empty) house to feed it until it was eaten alive by giant locusts?

  33. #33 ron
    May 21, 2011

    What have you got against locusts? They need to eat, too.

  34. #34 Prometheus
    May 21, 2011

    Re comment #26:

    I am terribly disappointed that the Rapture has been called off! I was really loking forward to a world free of annoying biblical literalists, creationists, “ID”-ists, and the rest of that lot.

    Of course, I didn’t think for a minute that I would be one of those carried off to Heaven, primarily because I don’t believe in Heaven, God or the rest. However, I did entertain a bit of Pascal’s Wager: I prayed that the Rapture was real so that the “true believers” would be gone by Sunday.

    Sigh…yet another disillusionment from religion.

    Prometheus

  35. #35 Johnny
    May 21, 2011

    Ummm, guys….

    http://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/recenteqsww/Quakes/usc0003kw5.php

    Of course this isn’t the Rapture, just an amazing (almost) concidence. After all, “Bob” said that the world will end on July 5, 1998, at 0700. The fact that world hasn’t ended proves that it isn’t July 5, 1998 yet. It’s all part of a one world government conspiracy, I tell ya.

  36. #36 zackoz
    May 21, 2011

    Sunday 22 May now in Oz, and nothing looks different….except, hmmmm…my religious neighbours aren’t at home this morning and the house looks empty.

    Maybe they’ve been raptured!

    Um no, I just remembered they’ve sold their house and are moving to Queensland, but perhaps it was all a cover story. Then again, their dogs aren’t here either.

    Thanks to Cuttlefish for the info about the non-raptured pet-minders. There’s one or more born every minute, isn’t there.

  37. #37 Sauceress
    May 21, 2011

    Being as they are True Believers (TM), I also seriously wonder what Camping and Family Radio had organised for the millions of donation dollars they’ve received.

    From NYT

    A former civil engineer, Mr. Camping, 89, built a small nonprofit empire in radio, going from a single station in San Francisco to more than 200 radio stations and a pair of television stations, according to The Bay Citizen, which also reported the organization’s most recent I.R.S. financial disclosure filings, showing $34 million in investments, $56 million in assets and $29 million in mortgages.

    Have they spent it all on advertising the Rapture? Invested it? Was it Raptured? How much money do they have today? Being True Believers, I expect the answer to this last question to be “none”!

  38. #38 Sauceress
    May 21, 2011

    Johnny @33

    just an amazing (almost) concidence.

    Hmmm…not so much.

    Wiki: Earthquakes in New Zealand.

    Earthquakes occur in New Zealand as the country forms part of the Pacific Ring of Fire, which is geologically active. About 20,000 earthquakes, most of them minor, are recorded each year.[1] About 200 of these are strong enough to be felt.

    One strong enough to be felt every ~1.8 days.

  39. #39 Heidi
    May 22, 2011

    I’d never have thought about this particular market niche!

    What happens if the rapture is ‘finalized’ and even ‘non believers’ (and the rest of the world) are destroyed (this should be October 21, 2011, I think).

    Also, for how long would this service be able to care for a pet for the fee this enterprise is charging? It won’t pay 2 vet exams, let alone any treatments (or good food for a reasonable period of time – birds, dogs, cats, and many other small pet species can, fortunately, live much longer than this fee could carry them food-wise (even if the food would be less than ideal!).

    Maybe these issues are something that should be included in the business plan for the next similar event. I’m surprised atheists go into this business at all, since they obviously don’t believe in the rapture….. Except if,…… well, they are in it for the $ alone.

    However, at least, such service provides a ‘solution’ to rapture believers who’d otherwise think about destroying their pets (yes, that’s sadly in the news today too). So, yes, go ahead with this business, there’s a clear merit to it if it saves pets from being killed for no obvious reason by desperate guardians.

    Anyhow, we here stick to our non-rapture after-our-life pet care options.

  40. #40 Charles Sullivan
    May 22, 2011

    Sign me up.

  41. #41 tfkreference
    May 22, 2011

    IIRC, there was more worldwide seismic activity on boobquake day, though still below statistical averages.

  42. #42 Joseph
    May 23, 2011

    For $135.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved.

    In other words, free money from bozos. Genius.

  43. #43 Wow
    May 24, 2011

    Oh dear, Neil. Disappointed much?

    Tell me, if the WAIS and Greenland ice sheet melted, how much would the sea level rise?

    Go on. Guess.

    Now, show me where AIT said this would happen before 2010?

    Go on. Try.

    I guess though, since you see everything as a religious experience, EVERYONE ELSE does too. Even when they don’t.

  44. #44 MeofCourse
    May 24, 2011

    @#14

    Wow…I thought it usually took longer for someone to pull a Godwin’s Law.

  45. #45 anon
    May 24, 2011

    I figure if the Rapture happened, I’d be adopting a few friends’ animals (no contract/fee required), but most of my buddies would be right here, celebrating the removal of some loonies from the gene pool. What worries me is the thought that some of those types might have put their animals down in a less-than-humane manner, rather than leave them behind. I haven’t seen any verifiable reports of such activity, but….

  46. #46 Chris
    May 24, 2011

    anon:

    What worries me is the thought that some of those types might have put their animals down in a less-than-humane manner, rather than leave them behind. I haven’t seen any verifiable reports of such activity, but….

    Actually I saw a news report of some guy wanting all of his pets euthanized, but what was even more disturbing was the woman who tried to kill her children:
    http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-palmdale-woman-attempted-murder,0,3939586.story

  47. #47 lilady
    May 24, 2011

    @ Chris: What a sad story that this obviously mentally unbalanced woman actually believed the preacher man about the actual date of the “Rapture”.

    I was taught in Sunday school (King James Bible) that “the day of the lord will come as a thief in the night” (II Peter 3:10). Similar verses of the bible are contained in I Thesasalonians 5:24, Isaiah 29:5-6, Malachi 3:1, Matthew 24:39-44, Luke 12:39-40 and Revelation 3:10. It’s nice to recall my bible study when “certain” people quote the bible for their agendas.

The site is currently under maintenance and will be back shortly. New comments have been disabled during this time, please check back soon.