Respectful Insolence

Get taller, get bigger, get tighter, get it all!

Last week was kind of a downer. Oh, sure, I had some fun with choice idiocy by Mike Adams. its posts about murder and attempted murder of autistic teens and the whitewashing of the murder of Alex Spourdalakis by her mother and caregiver, which led to antivaccinationists complaining to my cancer center again. So the last few days have been a fairly unrelenting downer.

That’s why I was highly amused to see something called Get Tall 1000. There are so many things about Get Tall 1000 that are completely hilarious (if you’re a skeptic) that it’s hard to know where to start. I mean, the claims for Get Tall 1000 make the claims made for Enzyte seem plausible by comparison. Let’s see what the makers of Get Tall 1000 claim their product can do for you. They’re a surprisingly literal (but certainly not literary) bunch, because they mean exactly what the name of the product says. They claim it can make you “get tall.” Take a look:

100% GUARANTEED RESULTS ,100% ALL NATURAL (Less than 12 weeks Get appx 3-6 inches or 7.5-15 CM Taller , for age between 15-45 years old , for both MEN/WOMEN)

Discover the GET TALL Secret known to the stars in a new product that unblocks individual increasing height barriers. Get tall faster Naturally with GET TALL 1000
In today’s competitive time, smart ,charming personality has a lot to offer to face the sharpness of the competition. There may be many causes of short stature or height but predominantly following factors rule its development. Forget about growth hormone injection or limb lengthening operation. They are way too expensive and dangerous for you. What you need is a safe, effective and affordable way to grow taller naturally and easily by using homoeopathic medicine GET TALL 1000.

It is seen that short heighten people are always tensed because of their height. There are many ways to increase height one is Scientific treatment due to which one can gain height and other is Homeopathic treatment which can give you height .Now you all can take a deep breath as now your height problem will be solved by NEW HOMEOPATHIC TREATMENT.

Oh, yes! It’s homeopathy promising to make you taller. What could be the homeopathic ingredient? Well, homeopathy operates on the principle of “like cures like.” So the general quack idea is that you treat a condition by administering something that causes the condition. Maybe it’s shavings from the giant anvils that used to “shorten” the coyote in those old Road Runner cartoons. Who knows? Whatever it is, they claim that “intensive scientific research” (is there any other kind?) has “proven” that if you’re under 40 you can still grow a few inches because your vertebral discs can get thicker, and that’s exactly what Get Tall 1000 claims to be able to do:

Located between each of these 24 vertebrae are cartilaginous pads called disks . The thickness of the disks determines the length of the spinal column and directly influences the height. There are totally 25 disks, their combined length accounts 25% of your total height. Since these disks are non-fusible cartilages, they can constantly grow thicker under the stimulation of growth hormone during a life time. The thicker those disks are, the longer your spinal column is and the taller you become. Even each disk grows only 0.50 cm (0.2 inch) thicker, which is the length of this line in quotes you will grow 0.50 * 25 = 12.50 cm (5.0 inches) taller.

Even if this were true, it’ would probably have a rather odd effect on your overall body habitus. All of that additional height would come in the trunk from the pelvis to the neck. That means that, even if this product worked as claimed, all that extra height would be in the torso. That might not be that big of a deal, but, of course, homeopathy is quackery anyway and this product is some of the purest nonsense I’ve ever seen. But, hey. It’s only $159 for 900 pills. You’re expected to take 10 pills a day (five in the morning and five at night); so it’s a three month supply.

Such a bargain.

But that’s not all. There are so many other products with similar names, all marketed at the same website. For men, there’s Get Beautiful Skin 1000 and (of course!) Get Big Penis 1000. (I’ll say this for these guys; they ain’t subtle.) Not that I have any issues in that particular area (of course), but like all guys I couldn’t resist checking out the Get Big Penis 1000 product. Its claims are—shall we say?—equally stupendous as the claims for Get Tall 1000. It’s homeopathic, too (naturally), and it claims to grow a guy’s penis by 3 to 5 inches in a mere two months. I kid you not:

GET BIG PENIS 1000 takes yours body fat/protein and store it into yours Penis area to make the Penis fuller size within 2 months time, this product is fully natural and a person between 15-50 years old can use it. It also increases the sexual drive/desire and makes you more stronger & sexually active.

After a long research, our doctors have made this homeopathic medicine GET BIG PENIS 1000 which uses yours own body-fat/protein to make the present penis size bigger.

THE RESULTS ARE PERMANENT.

GET BIG PENIS 1000 was created by a leading homeopathic doctors and the formula has been reviewed by several Naturopaths, Homeopaths, and Doctors. It is manufactured in a well respected specialized homeopathic lab facility. GET BIG PENIS 1000 is registered with the GMP as an over-the-counter (OTC)/Pharmaceutical remedy. GET BIG PENIS 1000 have GMP and Clinically Proven registrations.

One wonders how a homeopathic product can “use your own body fat/protein” to increase the length of a man’s penis. Strike that. I don’t want to know. It’s probably homeopathically diluted Viagra or something. Oh wait. That wouldn’t work. Viagra makes a guy’s manhood larger, not smaller. Presumably homeopathic Viagra would make it shrivel away to nothing. Never mind. Whatever it is, these guys are promising truly ridiculous increases in penis length.

But hey (again). What good is having a big penis if you’re disease-ridden. No, I don’t necessarily mean sexually transmitted diseases (although that certainly would be a bummer), but any disease to which men are prone. No worries! They’ve got you covered for that, too, with Get Disease Free 1000. Yes, that’s exactly what the product is claimed to do, which is:

100 % GUARANTEED RESULTS, 100% ALL NATURAL
(Less than 1 month clean your body from inside, get rid of all unwanted BACTERIA/DISEASES/CANCER CELLS in yours body and make your body HEALTHY/ENERGETIC/ACTIVE/CALM and also look YOUNGER THEN YOURS AGE & FULL OF ENERGY/YOUTH guaranteed NATURALLY , this product is for both MEN/WOMEN)

Lest the ladies think that they’ve been left out, they haven’t. For the ladies, they have a variety of products, among them Get Big Breast 1000 and Get Tight Vagina 1000. It’s more of the same blather, and the writers of this nonsense must be men. I say this because the text describing Get Tight Vagina 1000 is longer than it is for the other products and goes on and on about what causes a loose vagina, after which it goes on and on about how awesome a tight vagina is. It’s all rather lascivious in a broken English kind of way. (It’s very obvious that the creators of this website do not speak English as a native language. It turns out they’re located in India.) Of course, the before-and-after pictures are completely hilarious. Be careful where you look at them, though. They’re not safe for work, as we say. I will, however, give them credit for thinking of (almost) everything. There’s even a ReduceBREAST 1000. Their Facebook page is also a hoot.

So is their page of testimonials, which starts off with a 29 year old Australian woman claiming she grew four inches in height from using these products! It’s even guaranteed. They promise to give you back 100% of your money if you’re not satisfied. Just try collecting when you tell them that you didn’t grow 4 inches, your penis didn’t grow 3 inches, or, if you’re a woman, your breasts didn’t grow or shrink, depending on the product.

Whenever I see websites like this, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. They’re such obvious scams selling quackery that I wonder how anyone could possibly ever fall for them. Obviously people must, or there’s no way these guys could stay in business. At least their websites amuse me and, through my blogging, hopefully you too. In the meantime, I strongly suspect that these guys don’t even know what homeopathy really is. They just use it as a buzzword, like so much glitter sprinkled on a costume, to make their quackery look shinier and more attractive. Sadly, people fall for it.

Comments

  1. #1 Liz Ditz
    September 10, 2013

    Hmmn. Those of you who’ve met me known that not only do I identify as female, I was fortunate enough to be born with the usual female furniture, like breasts and a vagina and whatnot.

    The thing is, I’m old enough that the reproductive furniture is well, on pause.

    Well, I have body fat, and I have protein….now what would happen to my lady bits if I took GET BIG PENIS 1000?

    Would it be like something from a science-fiction movie?

    I’m working up the nerve to go to the website.

  2. #2 Kiwi girl
    September 10, 2013

    What’s the attraction with the number 1000? Are they using a homeopathic random number generator?

  3. #3 herr doktor bimler
    September 10, 2013

    That wouldn’t work. Viagra makes a guy’s manhood larger, not smaller.

    Apparently swine flu vaccine causes penis disappearance, so you want the homeopathic preparation of that.

  4. #4 lilady
    September 10, 2013

    Okay, so I opened up the women’s page and viewed all the photos…they’re ridiculous and the English grammar and syntax is deplorable.

    Too bad that I am past the age limitation for their products. Since I packed on a few extra pounds, I now state that “I am not overweight, I am undertall”.

    Orac, the link to to their Facebook page comes up with “Content is Unavailable”.

  5. #5 Kathy
    south of the tropic of Capricorn
    September 10, 2013

    Ah, those ‘Money Back if not Satisfied’ guarantees! Must be the safest thing in all of commerce. I can just see some guy taking them to court over non-payment, and standing up and saying, “My pipi didn’t increase by one mm, it’s still only X cm long”.

  6. #6 lsm
    September 10, 2013

    What a hoot. . . I thought of trying the “Get Perfect Face 1000″ on the facebook page since right there, no really, right in front of us is proof that Scarlett Johansson and Angelina Jolie got a Perfect Face 1000!

  7. #7 Darwy
    Right next to Lilady, with a mimosa
    September 10, 2013

    That’s some funny stuff right there.

  8. #8 Lancelot Link
    up late, as usual
    September 10, 2013

    Their testimonial photos, to the shock and surprise of probably no one, are random pictures lifted from the internet.
    (Google image search is pretty impressive.)
    The “29 year old Australian woman” also shows up in a testimonial for a Utah chiropractor as a 42 year old patient named Annette, which doesn’t appear to be her real name either.
    The oddest one i found was “Julie Delm”, from France, who turns out to actually be an Arkansas-based spokeswoman for the Ku Klux Klan!
    Unfortunately, her testimonial was not promoting “Get White Skin 1000″.

  9. #9 BCM
    USA
    September 10, 2013

    I’m sure their “Identify Internet Scams 1000″ would sell like crazy!

  10. #10 Ren
    September 10, 2013

    “I’ll have the penis mightier for $200.”

    Can’t think of anything more than that this morning. There’s an upper respiratory bug in the mid-Atlantic, and I’m one of the lucky ones. But off to school I go… Where’s your hygiene now, Bloomberg School of Public Health?!

  11. #11 lordshipmayhem
    September 10, 2013

    The website is probably built using the Fleece Rubes 1000 Web Creator homeopathic software

  12. #12 elburto
    September 10, 2013

    I just laughed really loud (1000!) and now I can’t stop. It wouldn’t be a problem if my better half hadn’t been fast asleep next to me.

    What she needs is SLEEP GOOD 1000! Revolution new product which is to be provide perfect unbroke sleep.

    SLEEP GOOD 1000! utilising a body’s own effort by disable no-wires internet with hands, breaking wifetime habit of looking at internet instead of sleeps, and prevents the outbursts of the laughing.

  13. #13 Chris Hickie
    September 10, 2013

    Will the ReduceBreast 1000 work on moobs? I think they missed a major target group in their rush to take this woonder “drug” to market (but perhaps they can do several large clinical trials before lunch)

  14. #14 Mano
    September 10, 2013

    It looks like “Easy money 1000″ ; for them it works for sure.

  15. #15 canalon
    September 10, 2013

    Also interesting in their testimonal photos (get tall1000 #1 to 3): The people all get tall in a proportional fashion because we can see that their pelvis has moved up the scale. But as our host pointed out, patients are only supposed to get a longer torso. Would that be a(nother) clue that their product do not work as advertised?

  16. #16 Denice Walter
    September 10, 2013

    Seriously an increase of 3 inches is meaningful…
    GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER,
    I was referring to height.

    As a tennis instructor I know says, “You can’t teach height”.
    If you look at well-known female tennis players, you’ll notice that they average far above the general population for their age/ country of origin: very few women of average height get to that level of accompishment in recent years.
    There are too many 6 ‘ tall Eastern Europeans to count- they’re usually blonde.

    I’ve experienced the height factor myself – if ability levels are equal, height is very important. I win repeatedly against better players who are shorter and have lost against worse players who are ( much) taller. And Australian.

    Also, wearing shoes with 3 inch heels makes me about the same height as the average man.
    At least one guy I know is very intrigued about the effect.

  17. #17 Denice Walter
    September 10, 2013

    re “choice idiocy by Mike Adams”:

    There’s even more today: despite all evidence to the contrary, Mike is advocating the idea that there is actually…

    Global cooling. Now. He has photos.

  18. #18 Eric Lund
    September 10, 2013

    Denice @16: That doesn’t sound like much of a mystery to me. Height is well correlated with arm length, so taller people can cover more of the court, more easily, than shorter people. But if the height increase comes in the torso, that’s not as much help as if it were more spread out.

    HDB@3: I assumed that one would want a homeopathic preparation of something that typically causes impotence. An anti-Viagra, if you will. Perhaps Kellogg’s Corn Flakes, which were specifically invented for that purpose (even though that doesn’t actually work–the Kellogg brothers were also notorious health cranks back in the day, but along different lines).

  19. #19 Krebiozen
    September 10, 2013

    My Get Taller (Bigger, Faster, Longer, Stronger, Better) 2000 is twice as good as these pathetic products. Send much money now.

  20. #20 Krebiozen
    September 10, 2013

    Knots cause impotence, according to folk traditions across Europe and also in Egypt (as I found during fieldwork there). So a homeopathic remedy made from knots should be a mighty aphrodisiac. Also, lettuce (wild lettuce was once prescribed by herbalists for excessive sexual arousal, as I recall).

  21. #21 Chris HIckie
    September 10, 2013

    Once I get all that money that was left to me by that nice person in Nigeria who chose me to help them get their money out of their bank account, I will be sure to spend my millions on all those 1000s.

  22. #22 palindrom
    September 10, 2013

    Krebiozen @20 –

    . Also, lettuce (wild lettuce was once prescribed by herbalists for excessive sexual arousal, as I recall).

    It sure works for rabbits.

  23. #23 drksky
    September 10, 2013

    Hey Orac, it’s not Friday yet!

  24. #24 Mephistopheles O'Brien
    September 10, 2013

    Krebiozen – is that where the expression “get knotted” comes from? I’d wondered.

  25. #25 TBruce
    September 10, 2013

    and it claims to grow a guy’s penis by 3 to 5 inches in a mere two months. I kid you not:

    Why would I want a 16 inch penis?

    (That’s a joke, BTW)

  26. #26 Shay
    September 10, 2013

    Palindrom — too bad I was taking a drink of water when I read #22. Damn you.

  27. #27 Wrysmile
    September 10, 2013

    If just your torso gets longer would you still be able to put your hands in your pockets?

  28. #28 Krebiozen
    September 10, 2013

    M. O’B.,

    Krebiozen – is that where the expression “get knotted” comes from?

    Maybe, though it is also thought to be nautical, referring to a cat o’ nine tails. I find it intriguing that the idea of spells involving knots to induce impotence is so common, and was surprised to find the belief alive and well in southern Egypt in the late 80s. The people I talked to also described counter-spells involving untying a knot as a way of treating ED which was generally assumed to be the result of black magic. The symbolism behind it isn’t very clear to me, unless the idea is that a knot prevents the flow of vital energy or something.

    Of course the Eye of Horus as a protective symbol is seen all over the Mediterranean (especially on boats), so perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised at how these ideas spread around that area and beyond.

    Something I also found interesting was that identical spells were (probably still are) used involving holy words, from either the Coptic Bible or the Koran written on a piece of paper that was then burned and then the ashes mixed with water and ingested, or thrown into the Nile depending on the purpose.

    I had previously believed that kind of magic was only practiced by New Ager types in Europe and the US these days, and was mostly invented up by the likes of Gerald Gardner and Aleister Crowley in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, but apparently not.

  29. #29 herr doktor bimler
    September 10, 2013

    Seriously an increase of 3 inches is meaningful…
    But then I would no longer fit in the Frau Doktorin’s clothes.
    Perhaps I have said too much.

  30. #30 Mephistopheles O'Brien
    September 10, 2013

    Krebiozen – in my view (which means nothing, of course) the symbolism combining sterility and knots would seem to be straightforward. If one were to tie one’s penis in knot – or more easily, the vas deferens – then that would certainly block the flow of more than vital energy.

    However, I’m reminded of Isaac Asimov who, when asked if women and men were just alike replied, “No, there’s a vas deferens between them”.

  31. #31 Denice Walter
    September 10, 2013

    A quick look at Frazer produces material on knots:

    from ‘Taboo and the Perils of the Soul’-
    often knots inflict magic to impede progression of human events- both spiritual and bodily- thus they are forbidden at critical times like childbirth, sacred ritual ( Roman), pilgrimage ( Moslem), marriage and death. A knot would thwart the desired unfolding of events.

    Knots are used in spells to cause illness and impede recovery from an illness.

    Interestingly, as in the Freudian dreamtime, the opposite may also hold true:
    benificent knots cure illness, bind a person in love or insure the continuance of a royal dynasty. Finnish wizards would sell wind encased in knots on a cord to mariners- who could then untie the knots to release the wind when needed.

    Rings may function in a similar manner- keeping the soul trapped within a dead body or keeping a union intact.

    Believe it or knot, I have recieved a few gifts of Celtic knots – including a heavy ring that I wear every day:
    no wonder I keep hanging around with those people.

  32. #32 lilady
    September 10, 2013

    @ herr doktor bimler:

    I have *a friend* who wore her husband’s jockey shorts during the last few weeks of her pregnancies.

    My *friend* also put her little boy in little girl’s flannel nightgowns when he was in a body cast for 10 weeks, for a right supracondylar femur fracture.

    *** I certainly have weird *friends*.

  33. #33 Mephistopheles O'Brien
    September 10, 2013

    @herr doktor bimler – is it wrong that images of Lou Jacobi come to my mind?

  34. #34 Old Rockin' Dave
    Hiking in the Bernard Rimlands
    September 10, 2013

    For all autistic persons, i now is offering new revoloution product GetSocial 1000, which are gurarantee to increase your social life by incdredible 3″ to 5″inches or more even. Find job to pay for even more 1000 product, have incredibled success with women or even men if that is your choice. Send $$ now, if not satisfied full monies back guarantee*!
    *Monies returned only if product taken to our Rawalpindi office and you present credit card and proper ID identification. Payments returned in rupee only, may take 6 to 3 months.
    (I think the mangled English is deliberate – anyone who would notice the errors and care about them is probably less likely to fall for these things.)

  35. #35 Vasha
    10 square miles of Wooville
    September 10, 2013

    There’s the ballad “Willie’s Lady”, where a mother-in-law hates her son’s wife and works spells to keep her from giving birth. Here’s what Willie has to do to break the spells and let the blocked labor proceed:

    So Willie’s loosed the nine witch knots
    That were among this lady’s locks.

    And Willie’s taken out the combs of care
    That hung among this lady’s hair.

    And Willie’s killed the master kid
    That ran beneath this lady’s bed.

    And Willie’s loosened her left shoe
    And let this lady lighter be.

  36. #36 weirdnoise
    September 10, 2013

    So, for the ultimate “Get It All 1000″ the pills would contain … Nothing! Highly diluted, of course.

  37. #37 Kelly M Bray
    September 11, 2013

    Can you imagine the situation if some terrorist put Bigbreast1000 and Bigpenis1000 in the water supply.

  38. #38 Chris Hickie
    September 11, 2013

    Also, lettuce (wild lettuce was once prescribed by herbalists for excessive sexual arousal, as I recall).

    That would be why the recipe for “honeymoon salad” is simply lettuce alone.

  39. #39 Krebiozen
    September 11, 2013

    Old Rockin’ Dave,

    (I think the mangled English is deliberate – anyone who would notice the errors and care about them is probably less likely to fall for these things.)

    I agree. An ex-lawyer friend of mine once defended some fraudsters of the same ethnic group as those responsible for the notorious Nigerian email scams. They told him the rather poor archaic English and odd language used is not due to ignorance, it is carefully designed to appeal to the image of the dumb African that many white westerners still harbor, and to exploit the guilt they feel about this.

    Most of the people who perpetrate these frauds are highly intelligent and well-educated (often at UK universities). I have a grudging (but conflicted) admiration for a well-crafted con – as is said, somewhat inaccurately – “you cannot con an honest man”.

    That said, English is a first language for most Indians – it is one of the official languages of India – but Indian English is a separate language with its own eccentricities, just as American and British English differ, but perhaps more so.

    I once witnessed an interchange in India between an English woman and an old Indian man, each trying and failing to make themselves understood. It culminated with the Indian man telling the English woman, “your English is no good”. The language in these ads may not seem at all mangled to an Indian.

  40. #40 Antaeus Feldspar
    September 11, 2013

    That would be why the recipe for “honeymoon salad” is simply lettuce alone.

    With no dressing.

  41. #41 Krebiozen
    September 11, 2013

    Chris Hickie,

    That would be why the recipe for “honeymoon salad” is simply lettuce alone.

    I have seen lettuce variously described as an aphrodisiac (Ancient Egypt) and as an anaphrodisiac (i.e. the opposite, by Pythagoreans who called it ‘eunuch’). This is probably because it is mostly water and has little or no effect above placebo, but the milky sap resembles semen which I guess is why it was assumed to have some effect on ,ales sexuality.

    However, wild lettuce, lactuca virosa, is much bitterer than garden lettuce, and is reputed to have an effect similar to opiates. It is sold in some ‘head shops’ as a legal high, along with an extract they call ‘lettuce opium’ which can be smoked. I tried using it as a tea years ago as an attempt to combat insomnia, but as I recall it had little if any effect.

  42. #42 Krebiozen
    September 11, 2013

    Failed proofread wile multitasking – that should read “male sexuality” –

    @ Antaeus Feldspar #40
    Groan!

  43. #43 Krebiozen
    September 11, 2013

    I give up, since failed proofread of correction of failed proofread could lead to infinite regress and messy explosion of my head.

  44. #44 herr doktor bimler
    September 11, 2013

    wild lettuce, lactuca virosa, is much bitterer than garden lettuce, and is reputed to have an effect similar to opiates

    Well-known lichen specialist Beatrix Potter wrote of its soporific effect on bunnies, and Beatrix Potter would not lie

  45. #45 Old Rockin' Dave
    September 12, 2013

    Krebiozen, ” Indian English is a separate language with its own eccentricities, just as American and British English differ, but perhaps more so.” Just as you say.
    As someone, variously alleged to be Shaw, Churchill, Bertrand Russell, or Oscar Wilde (probably none of them; I’d like to put in a vote for Finley Peter Dunne. No evidence, just because.) said, the US and Britain are “two nations divided by a common language.”
    My wife is a Filipina who had all her post-primary education in English. Fil-English is even more different from transAtlantic English than Indian English is. After more than 20 years of marriage, we still manage to misunderstand each other on an almost daily basis. Usually this is because the meanings of common words can differ greatly. For example, the words “bold” and “maniac” have strongly sexual connotations there, and “tomboy” is not the innocent word there that it is here.

  46. #46 Shay
    September 12, 2013

    After 3 years in the Far East, I returned home with an accent that I was later told was “Hong Kong English.”

    (A Chinese classmate once complimented me on how well I spoke English. The especially for an American was left unspoken).

  47. #47 herr doktor bimler
    September 13, 2013

    After 3 years in the Far East, I returned home with an accent

    Heh. I was born in my current country of residence, but my grandmother was from the old country, and indoctrinated me with her accent so thoroughly that half a century later people are still asking me when and whence I immigrated.

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