Over at my blog's former address I would occasionally answer emails from loyal worshipers seeking the counsel of the domestic and laboratory goddess. Shortly before I made my grand transition over here I received a letter so fantastic, a question so terrific, that I tucked it into right into my Marc Jacobs handbag until it could be answered in my shiny, new home.
Figure 1: The current object of Dr. Isis's lust. Classic Blake handbag by Marc Jacobs. $995 at eluxury.com
Dear Dr. Isis,
As someone who very much wants to eventually becoming a mom in addition to being a scientist, I am interested in your perspective on doing both. Really, how easy (or hard) has it been for you? Has being a mother affected your science? Has it affected your sanity? How did you fit your little one into your life when he was first born, and how do you continue to fit him in now? Any candid thoughts you have on the topic are much appreciated.
Sincerely,
A loyal worshiper
This is a heck of a question and, hands down, probably the most common question I am asked when participating in panel discussions for groups like Women in Science and Engineering or Graduate Women in Science. I think that many women considering a career in science have a huge amount of anxiety over the prospect of integrating motherhood into their career (or integrating their career into motherhood). I think that a major source of this anxiety comes from the propagation of the party line:
To be successful, you have to learn to balance work and family
It strikes me that continuing to tell women this does them nothing but a disservice. You see, what we really mean when we say this is that a woman with children needs to be as productive as her childless counterparts and still find a way to be a good mother (but on her own time).
Video 1: We set women up for failure when we indoctrinate them with the idea that they should be trying to balance work and family.
[Dr. Isis will now pause writing this post so that she can watch an Elmo video on YouTube with Little Isis.]
Not that I don't think that the idea of balance isn't lovely -- to be able to split one's times equally between bench and bouncing rugrats (that is what balance implies, no?). I think it is simply important that we all be acutely aware that this is not what is meant when we are told to balance. When people tell us to balance, what they mean is to hold it down at home and to not allow it to affect our work. The way that many women deal with that is to draw a sharp division between work and home and not allow bits of home to pervade the workspace. This way, no one will accuse them of spending too much time with the fam and not enough time bringing in the Benjamins.
Figure 2: Many women academics contend with the real fear that too much time spent with the family will be perceived as an interference in achieving their scientific goals.
So, what is my perspective on doing both? Well, I'm trying, gosh darn it! I love my work and I love my homelife. And I won't lie to you, it can be really, really hard to satisfy the demands of both. I have a great family and a husband that is very supportive of my career, but there are times when the science is calling and the wee ones need Mommy and then a decision needs to be made. For me, the decision is simple. My family is my priority. I have been very fortunate to work in an environment where this is acceptable and I have considered whether this the case in choosing each of the places I've worked. I often tell myself that the occasional sacrifices of one for another are worth it when you love both work and family.
So, has being a mother affected my science? Yes! It can hinder my science on any given day in the short-term as the wee ones place demands, but for me there is no greater joy than my family. That happiness, in the long run, I think makes me a better scientist. Has it affected my sanity? Yes! Some days I feel like I am trying to be everything to everyone at once and it makes me a little crazy. There are days when I am at work by 6:30 am, home in time for dinner and to put the family to bed, and then back to work until I pass out exhausted. I have given talks with spit-up on my blouse and interrupted a meeting because, if I didn't go pump, I was going to leak all over my data. I've spent evenings rocking a crying baby who wouldn't sleep only to wonder how I was going to be alert enough to teach the next day. I can't in good faith tell you that motherhood in science is easy (in fact, it's the hardest thing I've ever done), but it's also the single most rewarding thing I've ever done. I wouldn't be happy doing anything else professionally and I wouldn't trade my family for anything in the world.
How do I fit the family into my day? Every day is different for me. Each week/day I look at my professional demands and attempt to arrange them so that I still make it home for dinner, playtime, and bedtime. On days when professional demands require me to work in the evenings, I carve family time out of a morning. And Sundays in my house are inviolate -- they are absolutely science free (except for, you know, blogging).
I think part of the reader's question comes from a feeling of being already overwhelmed in terms of the amount that must be accomplished in a day and the fear that adding a child to the mix will be too much to handle. Well, sister, it isn't for the faint of heart. But, for me, there is not greater joy than looking at my sleeping child, watching my family learn and grow, or cuddling up in the morning to watch Elmo videos on YouTube. Motherhood has made me learn to work smarter and more efficiently, but it's made me happier than I can describe.
It's also made me develop an unparalleled caffeine habit.
Education & Careers
Comments
I am truly in awe of you and the many many others like you, who manage to "balance" (damn, we need another word) like this. I'm a work-at-home mom, working 5-20 hours a week, and I can't imagine how I could manage a lab and teaching! (Okay, doing anything while pregnant is darn near impossible, but still...)
Then again, I know moms who can't figure out how I manage my few hours of work each week, so I guess it's all relative.
Anyway, go you for managing what you do, and inspiring others as well. I hope that my daughter will grow up in a world that's more supportive of women who want (and deserve) both career and family.
Posted by: Mara | November 16, 2008 9:43 AM
This is a heck of a question and, hands down, probably the most common question I am asked when participating in panel discussions for groups like Women in Science and Engineering or Graduate Women in Science.
Possibly slightly off-topic, but I was wondering if you ever get asked about managing to be a scientist while at the same time living with a chronic illness?
I am female junior lecturer at a European university. I don't have any children, but have to live with a severe case of endometriosis and managing that takes, I think, just as much time and effort and energy as having a child. For example, I can completely see myself in your statement:
I've spent evenings rocking a crying baby who wouldn't sleep only to wonder how I was going to be alert enough to teach the next day.
Except I would change this to "I've spent evenings and nights trying to ignore the stabbing chronic pain that doesn't respond to painkillers, only to wonder how I was going to be alert to teach the next morning." And let's not get into all the energy that is needed to manage various hormonal treatments and surgeries and so on.
And since typically my pain only occurs at night and I seem fine to my colleagues the next morning, and as this is such an invisible illness (not to mention mostly a taboo to discuss), noone is really ready to make the same accomodations for me as for my colleagues who are tired and sleep deprived because they have small children. To the world it's obvious that they would be exhausted, but me, well, I'm just a whiner, aren't I? And yes, I know that noone gets why I am constantly so out of energy, because you can't get it unless you have an illness like this yourself. But while there are parents with small children everywhere around in academia and blogsphere, I have personally never met anyone like me and just for once it would be nice if I wasn't the only one dealing with such a situation...
So, I wonder, what would the goddess advise to someone like me?
Posted by: pika | November 16, 2008 10:08 AM
This isn't only a question for science/academics but also an issue for all women who aren't focussed on being a homemaker to the exclusion of all other interests.
Certainly as a grad student you can have more flexibility than other women. My office mate had her child while writing her thesis. Very little lab work and lots of flexibility didn't take full leave. Since her husband was a grad student as well, they could split looking after the baby. By the time she was finished her post-doc the baby could easily go to play school. She seemed to handling it well at the time but I don't know if she would choose that path again.
Posted by: Casz | November 16, 2008 10:09 AM
Dr. Isis -
This is a subject near and dear to my heart. As a minor corporate goddess, I experience the same expectations and heartaches trying to raise my little nerdlings and find success in the computer science field. There are two rules I share with up and coming goddesses.
Rule One: *Refuse* to get assigned to the 2nd shift. I see lots of partners talk about "being supportive", but in reality, the goddess-in-training is expected to do all the housework, childcare AND never miss a staff meeting. Mr. N3rd pulls his weight - I simply don't worry about grocery shopping or laundry. We also outsource a great deal of work to earnest young capitalists - our walks are shoveled and the recycling done by the neighborhood teenagers. This way I can play lego for an hour with the nerdlings, or read out loud. When I am home, I am available and participative with them,
Rule Two: Make peace with the fact you aren't the only goddess in your child's life. Do not fall in to the society's expectation that a goddess should self-flagellate for spending time away from their offspring. Instead celebrate that your nerdlings have multiple adults who love and nurture them - and seek out ones that are worthy. This may mean your childcare bill is higher then you mortgage - but the N3rdchik believes that quality care in the 0-5 year mark is as or more important than college. This is two fold benefit - you can concentrate on science knowing the nerdlings are cherished and the nerdlings benefit. This also alludes to family relationships - my nerdlings have close relationships with Papanerd, the Grandnerds and the Unclenerds. This in no way undermines my relationship as the one special Mamanerd - but it does mean there are more people they let kiss their boo-boos and call and complain to when Mamanerd makes them pick up their dirty socks.
*love* to those doing it all
N3rdchik
Posted by: n3rdchik | November 16, 2008 10:36 AM
Dear Dr. Isis,
I wholeheartedly agree with everything you have to say. May I add a few points from my own experience (only grad student science, but it is science nonetheless): I found working on my thesis project much easier after having children. This is because success at work gets less important - and with it the pressure goes away (so in case I don't get the PhD, I still have my kids, right?). Without that pressure, I actually work better and more efficient. Also, with my work not being number one in my life, I spend less time worrying about things at work I cannot change anyways, and thus save my sanity. I feel that for me, having kids during grad school actually helped me a lot along the way (and still does).
Posted by: Julia | November 16, 2008 11:18 AM
So on the nail Dr Isis. At a recent women in science meeting, work life balance was a hot topic. Isn't it always? And you know, I don't think there was a single woman there who claimed to have the answer. Everyone said . . I try . .
I totally agree with your coments that as women there is a lot of pressure to delineate our lives into being the best ever scientist and the best ever mother. Thanks for keeping it real.
Posted by: kiwi | November 16, 2008 11:31 AM
Thank you so much for this wonderful post and great comments. As a social science PhD student, I don't have the required hours in a lab... but I have plenty of required hours teaching and running my own research projects. My husband's a grad student too, and we really want to start a family soon (already being in our 30s). But we barely see each other as it is and I'm scared just like you commented at the end that adding a baby to the crazy mix will be unmanageable.
How did you and Mr Isis decide when to have kids? Did you wait until after grad school? After getting the first t-t job? After tenure? Pros and cons about these different stages?
Posted by: PhDGirl | November 16, 2008 11:51 AM
Hard as it may be to believe, it gets better. Much as you may love them now, someday they will be adults that you can also like and who will, if fortune smiles, go on to break new ground of their own in science or otherwise.
I cannot tell you how rewarding it is to discuss physics I barely remember with one son, practical engineering with another, and her research with my daughter.
Nor can I tell you how proud I am of the son who heard a bad auto wreck while at work. He grabbed his kit and ran, and when his boss gave him the choice between tending the injured and his job he didn't break stride.
There's no way to know in advance that all the lost sleep, foregone self-indulgence, etc. will be worthwhile. It's a huge act of faith.
Speaking for myself as a single father, it's been worth it. Many, many times over.
Posted by: D. C. Sessions | November 16, 2008 12:02 PM
I don't have kids, and frankly, this sort of discussion thoroughly exemplifies one of the reasons why I don't think I'll ever have them. All the conversations I've heard about "balancing work and kids" inevitably come back to the changes must occur when you have kids - your #1 priority becomes your children, and every other thing in your life has to be balanced opposite their needs. This is a no-brainer, of course, and nobody would suggest otherwise.
The part I have the toughest time understanding is why & how you make that decision to switch from the life you know, the life without kids, to the life with them. A person can't really know what it'll really be like - they've only got anecdotes to go on, where everybody seems to say "Kids are the most WONDERFUL thing ever; you can't imagine what you're MISSING without them!!" but these same people aren't sleeping, don't see their friends, aren't spending the same amount of time on the work that excites & motivates them, and are having a difficult time doing any of the things they used to enjoy doing. Now, does this mean they don't love & cherish their kids? Of course not. But, from an objective abstract point of view, it seems like a decision that no one would make.
BTW, I'm not trolling the goddess here! I love my friends' kids, and have a great respect for those who manage child care & home life. I'm just expressing some sadness that it seems you have to give up parts of yourself once you become a parent, and I guess I'm just not at the point where I'm willing to make that sacrifice (or that I'll ever be).
Posted by: DamnGoodTechnician | November 16, 2008 2:10 PM
Dear Dr. Isis,
I would like to echo some of the questions asked above. I have heard from many a source that grad school is the ideal time to start a family, because it is easier to delay a doctorate than it is to delay tenure.
When I was younger, I believed that academia was the place to be if you wanted to have a great job and a close-knit family. I thought of it as a model of flexibility where professors make their own schedules and enjoy on-campus daycare. If you had to take your little one to the doctor but had a class to teach, you could get your TA to lecture for you instead. Maybe that's what it's like at the smaller colleges and universities. I now know that at the bigger U's, that's not even close to accurate.
So to Dr. Isis and the rest of you moms out there in grad school and academia - what do you think the ideal time is to start a family if you know you want to pursue an academic career? Based on your life experiences, what are your thoughts on timing?
And don't give me the "timing is different for everyone, it depends on you and the type of school you're at" blah blah blah. I know that, and I think that all of us considering families know that. But everything beyond the point we're at right now is a mystery, whereas you have the benefit of hindsight.
Like Dr. Isis demands of her students when they write reports: "Just the facts, m'aam."
Posted by: JLK | November 16, 2008 2:21 PM
I'm not a scientist, but in the cheering section, and also a working mom of a now-adult. I think it's important to remember that kids are only little for a relatively short time of anyone's career. Yes, we need more family-friendly and flexible workplaces for professionals and working stiffs alike. But make your best possible decisions for you and your family, and be assured that the craziness drops off considerably sooner than you think.
Everyone gives up part of themselves to be a parent; it's part of the job. Also be assured that, even though at 25 you're certain you're going to win the Nobel Prize or head an enormous lab at the World's Greatest University someday, most people end up in the middle of the bell curve. You'll probably be teaching and running a small, but meaningful, research program in a second-tier school ;)
Posted by: Rugosa | November 16, 2008 2:42 PM
I'm childless, and always impressed by the complexity of the schedules and details that those with children have to balance.
But based on limited observation, life as an academic scientist isn't definably _easier_ for childless people, just different. The parent with working spouse has the juggling, but also has a very powerful NON-academic life which provides a respite (reading to children, taking a walk, feeding the ducks - being properly there for a child is a lovely treat for the over-worked mind) and a reminder when things go wrong (e.g. do not get grant) that those things are ultimately unimportant, a perspective which is harder to really believe and own without little ones. Anyone in a couple versus a single has the advantage of someone else to share the decisions and the little chores, whether that's fixing the car or letting the washing machine repair man in or taking out the rubbish - I am assuming of course that both sides of the partnership take responsibility for the domestic chores, or shares them in some way.
Pika wrote I was wondering if you ever get asked about managing to be a scientist while at the same time living with a chronic illness? - there was an article in a recent issue of 'Times Higher' (the UK equivalent of CHE, I think) about negotiating academia with ME which might be of interest.
As an academic with imperfect health, I also do get a little frustrated by the assumptions around my place that in order to accomodate the needs of those with children (which is a Good Thing! And I know I'm lucky that I work at a place that does aim to do this), those without children, and especially those who are single (and are therefore assumed to have less commitments outside the university) should be expected to take the majority of awkwardly timed teaching slots, evening and weekend work, overseas field trips etc. This is a problem for me as I've learnt the hard way that I can't work more than 5-6 days in a row without negative consequences, even if the work is fun, and that travelling is particularly stressful - but clearly that's just me being a wimp, or demonstrating that I (and by extension other women, which annoys me hugely) aren't really up to being academics.
The more we talk about this stuff in fora like this, I hope, the more we'll all be able to appreciate the variety of life experiences around, and work out how to work effectively without compromising other, equally important, parts of everyone's lives, not just parents.
Real work-life balance policies need to not just be about accomodating 'inconvenient' dependents like children and the elderly, but about every single person regardless of their life-style being able to live a reasonable, healthy life. And the more visible the options are, the harder it becomes for some of these
Posted by: JaneB | November 16, 2008 3:03 PM
Well, you could look at it as a sort of Stockholm Syndrome.
Alternately, it's worth the lost sleep and more. It's not a reversible decision, for sure; far less of one than heading down a rappel descent.
Having children is about as much of a leap of faith as is possible in this world.
Posted by: D. C. Sessions | November 16, 2008 3:11 PM
I'm a wee undergrad, and have only started to think about this, in the vaguest of terms. I do want kidlets some day. In the far future. Far, far, far away future, once I have at least 3 extra letters in my name.
What I've heard often enough in my lab is that one should have one kid per post-doc position. Not during a Ph.D. and not as a professor. One is too early, the other too busy.
Is there any truth to this? Is a post-doc the best time? Or is that much planning just a little too much?
Posted by: Labness | November 16, 2008 3:56 PM
I would love to weigh in on the wonderful topics of the post and the follow-up comments, but dammit I've got science to do. Perhaps a post of my own will leak out later this week.
In the meantime, let me say that one of the things I am most looking forward to about the eventual weaning of Minnow is being able to ramp up my caffeine intake. It's either that or learn to stretch time.
Posted by: ScienceWoman | November 16, 2008 4:31 PM
I just started my PhD earlier this year, and naturally it's been a hot topic. I'm in a very supportive lab who all have children and family/work balance is encouraged etc etc. But in all of these discussions, very few people mention The Partner. I do have a supportive partner, who is happy for me to be both a scientist and a mother and encourage me in all of these endeavours, however in so many stories I hear it's still the woman who ends up lumped with the majority of the household labour and "doing it all". This doesn't sound like balance to me. Not that I want to suggest that the Laboratory and Domestic Goddess is incapable of achieving everything on her own, but surely she has some support in this from Mr Isis. Can you please elaborate more on the role that Mr Isis plays in your household and in the family/work balance?
Posted by: Beth | November 16, 2008 5:49 PM
"It's also made me develop an unparalleled caffeine habit.
For shame, Dr. Isis - making me waste some of my precious, precious coffee by spitting it on my computer screen!
Yeah, the talk of balance - so appealing in principle, so annoying and difficult to put into practice in real life. I figure that even if an individual day feels out of whack, if my average is ok over a week or two, I'm doing ok.
My husband and I decided to start a family in the second year of my postdoc for a variety of reasons - we like kids and thought we'd be good parents, knowing that we'd regret not having a family if we didn't at least try, and my husband's work authorization was ending soon, so he'd be at home for a while anyways. A friend of mine worked as a technician for a professor, who was struggling to keep her career on track as a new mother. So, I thought that if it wasn't going to be any easier five years from now, why wait?
Having a child did affect my work to some degree. The total hours that I spent in the lab was less, as I no longer had the freedom to work evenings or weekends at a moment's notice. Plus, I didn't have time to do much reading of papers in the evenings. I probably stayed in that postdoc longer than I would have otherwise, because looking for a new job seemed to much to tackle in those first crazy months. After a year, I couldn't deny that the project just wasn't working out and I started to look for an industry job. I really don't know what would have happened if I hadn't had a child - the fact results were so sparse and slow in coming was probably about 1/3 due to me, 1/3 due to rather ineffective guidance and supervision and 1/3 due to working on one of the most intractable proteins that I know of.
It's worked out well for me in the end - I love my industry job. It's a practical application of the field I was in. I have interesting and pleasant colleagues and there is less of an overtime culture. I may stay late to set up a big experiment or work on the weekend if I have a big presentation, but it's not a routine occurance. Some of the guys that I work with talk about their kids and parenting issues as well, so when I talk about the little one, I don't feel like it's marking me with a scarlett W for Woman.
Posted by: antijen | November 16, 2008 6:16 PM
Dr. Isis, you make an excellent point on "balance." My family always takes priority over my science - always, always, always - and this is true with all of my friends in science with kids. But, I've noticed that a lot of my senior male colleagues (you know, the ones who will be voting on my tenure?) and many others are under the impression that the only possible way that I can be as successful as I am is if I am sacrificing my family time for time at the bench (when in fact, I'm just efficient). And I don't correct them. It's in my best interest, at least until I get tenure, to be taken as a serious scientist, even if it means in their minds a cold-hearted, child-neglecting, serious scientist.
I promise to re-educate them after tenure.
Posted by: Anonymous | November 17, 2008 9:17 AM
Every time my ABD ass (do we use that term in science? maybe not 'cause i'm still doing bench work) reads these kinds of things, which are supposed (?) to be encouraging, I get so proactively depressed I want to jump into the freezing dirty Charles River, after having soldered my fallopian tubes and set fire to te tissue culture hood. And yet I keep doing it.
Fuck it, the only way I'm going to have babies is by giving up reading mommy-in-science blogs for at least nine months.
Posted by: Joolya | November 17, 2008 11:47 AM
When to have kids is a difficult and personal decision. That said, there are some pros and cons to having kids in grad school and I discuss them here
Posted by: ScientistMother | November 17, 2008 2:05 PM
I joined the "Trying to have it all" club about 3 years ago when my twins were born. I feel like I am doing pretty well getting my work done and spending time with my girls playing Lego and baking cookies. But the house work is suffering miserably. How does a domestic goddess keep her domicile looking like a place fit for a goddess? And, equally important, how does the domestic goddess find time for going to the dentist and similar chores? Any tips for this lowly goddess-want-to-be?
Posted by: julie r | November 17, 2008 4:19 PM
Three is a wonderful age. Right about then was when my twins started fighting over who got to "help." This is an opportunity not to be missed (right along with thousands of others). Seriously, they'll enjoy cleaning pretty near as much as play, but the payoff later is incalculable.
About the only thing I remember from the sleep deprivation of those days is cleaning house with the "help" of the boys, then begging or paying someone to come along later and clean up after the clean-up.
Posted by: D. C. Sessions | November 17, 2008 5:38 PM
i can do efficient, i can kick ass in any direction needed, i can juggle all kinds of responsibility with one hand tied behind my back. i can't do kids in grad school. part of it is my personal situation (sole income, dual tuition, spouse's medical bills, long distance marriage, ick, ack, gah). part of it is that the very thought of extending my stay in grad school hell is excruciating. so i spend my days hoping that whole waiting until things are "better" idea pans out and working my ass off as efficiently as possible.
Posted by: leigh | November 17, 2008 8:29 PM
Thank you.
Posted by: Candid Engineer | November 17, 2008 10:21 PM
The best time to have kids in academia is anytime you're ready to have them.
I'm on maternity leave with a stalled tenure clock this semester. Would have waited until tenure, but I'm "AMA" (advanced maternal age, = anything 35+) as it is.
Wanted to start at the end of grad school (once the labwork was all or mostly done), but health issues intervened.
Kid #1 came during a post-doc. This was a good time for me -- I had tons of vacation time saved up and was able to use most of it for leave.
This time, we got a surprise -- and Kid #2 brought #3 along as well. Not what was planned, but you know what? We'll make it work. (Hardest part will be paying for childcare for 3 without exceeding an asst. prof salary!)
I have friends who had kids as grad students, postdocs, and anywhere along the tenure track. (Even friends who fell off the track to have said kids.) All have survived, and seem to have reasonably adjusted kids (as much as one can expect of kids of science geeks).
I don't think there's a perfect time to start a family. You do what you need to do, and you make it work. Sometimes it's not pretty, but you make it through, one day at a time.
Of course, it should go without saying that a supportive spouse and supportive colleagues (at all levels) are a must!
Posted by: butterflyc | November 17, 2008 10:49 PM
er, that embedded YouTube is some weird texan and his kids ranting about how Barack Obama is going to take their guns. I'm guessing that's a mis-type?
Posted by: James Haughton | November 17, 2008 11:59 PM
HA HA HA. No, James. That's a video of people being indoctrinated with crazy, false ideas.
Posted by: Isis the Scientist | November 18, 2008 12:01 AM