I am really pleased that this humble little blog, penned in part by the world's hottest domestic and laboratory superstar, is becoming a place where scientists feel they can interact and share insights with each other. I'm pretty happy with the direction this is all going and I enjoy reading the discussion in the comments (even though some of you crazy people both warm and break my heart sometimes). I'll continue to post about physiology and other topics I find interesting because I believe that science, womanhood, and motherhood need never be mutually exclusive, but I like that people feel that this is a forum where the can gain support from each other. Along that vein (that's funny...vein), I have a Women-and-Mommys-in-Science type something in the works for after the New Year so hot that you are barely going to be able to contain yourselves.
But, continuing on the topic of mommyhood in science, frequent Isis the Scientist commenter PostDoc left a comment in our last discussion that has left me thinking. She writes:
I had thought that I had entered motherhood with very few preconceived notions of what I was going to be like. I was obsessed with (read: terrified of) the birth, and genuinely believed that I hadn't given much thought to what it was going to be like to have an infant (aside from the practicalities, e.g. equipment, childcare etc, for which I had spreadsheets). My daughter is now 16 months old, and what I have learned is that I had insane quantities of preconceived notions, they were just not consciously expressed. It would be fair to say that the things I have found hardest, and the things that have shaken my ability to view myself comfortably as a Mummy/Scientist the most, derive from those preconceived notions. For what it's worth, one of the biggest ones was that I could leave my mummy-self at home when I went to work - and thereby have no one believe that choosing to have a child would diminish my science. I can't. And, for reasons I cannot fully explain it has become very important to me that I don't look like Mama when I'm at work. Very important that I dress as I did before, which for me means beautiful, impractical shoes, skirts, dresses etc. Not particularly sensible when lugging around a 22lb kid, but holding onto the "well dressed" part of me has become tremendously important. I *must* appear to have everything under complete control. I think this probably stems from my need to believe that I can be everything I was before (and that others see me that way too), with my role as mother being an add-on to my previous identity, not something which nibbled away my pre-kid self.
Damn it, PostDoc! How did you crawl inside of my head and pick out the little bits of raw emotion that I seem to struggle with the most?
As a pre-mommy-scientist-in-training I knew that I wanted to have children with Mr. Isis. As the desire to become a mother became stronger, I began casually quizing more senior scientists as to how they managed to integrate motherhood into their science lives. After all, a good scientist reviews the available literature before attempting a new experiment. I was shocked by what I found. I feel like I may have shared this on the old blog, but one of my first conversations was had with a very senior female scientist from a very fancy university with plants all over its walls. She was visiting the MRU I was attending to give a seminar and I heard it casually mentioned that she had four children. After her talk I had the opportunity to attend a group lunch with her and during a lull in the conversation I asked how she managed to raise four children while managing a large lab and holding down a slew of research funding. She told me quite aburptly that her children and her work were separate entities. She keeps no pictures of her children in her office and does not display their artwork. She told me that she does not want people to walk into her office and immediately identify her by her family instead of her science. I found this fascinating because so many of my male colleagues (both equal to me in career level and more senior) displayed their children's artwork in their offices. The office of my mentor was covered in his daughters' painting and drawings. I was fascinated that she should feel the need to deny this part of herself but accepted that these types of behavior are necessary to reach her level of prestige.
Figure 2: A porcupine. Or, perhaps a multi-legged horse.
My motherhood was difficult to conceal during my pregnancy (mostly because I was a massive pregnant woman), but after I gave birth and enjoyed 8 weeks of maternity leave, I returned to work. I made every effort to reembrace my pre-pregnancy self lest someone see that I was barely functioning between the rigors of science and sleepless night after sleepless night after sleepless night. I felt as though I had to be able to accomplish everything that was part of my pre-baby agenda plus be the world's greatest mother. And I felt like I was failing so miserably at it that I became incredibly defensive when people asked me about my new bundle of stress joy. I interpreted "how is the baby doing?" as " I can see that you're exhausted and barely able to function and you made a horrible mistake by becoming a mother while trying to have a successful academic career." I very carefully crafted my façade in an attempt to make everyone around me forget the 8 lbs 12 oz of bouncing bundle of baby I had been carrying on my middle. My other mommy friends either worked part time or stayed at home and didn't understand why I would choose to undertake such a demanding career, leaving the little bits of wisdom I had gleaned from these other female scientists as my soul source of knowledge on how to manage work and family. And so, I bought into the party line that I had heard from other colleagues that when I was at work I should focus on work and when I was at home I should focus on home. Until the cracks began to form in my armor, that is.
I felt like I was living a double life and constantly denying one half of my identity -- turning parts of myself on and off and disguising the others so that people only saw what I allowed them to see -- was emotionally draining and it left me feeling isolated in every sphere I interacted in. It left me feeling guilty when I let one part of my life creep into the other and it left me feeling depressed that I could not recognize my full identity for fear of being shunned in either sphere. I realized that I would not be able continue to function this way and be successful in either sphere. And with that, I opened the dam between the two spheres and have allowed them to blend together. You see, there are things about Dr. Isis the scientist that make her an excellent mother and there are things about Isis the mother that make here an even better scientist:
- Being a scientist has made me an incredible multi-tasker. So now, I look at all of the tasks I must accomplish in my day and I complete them based on their priority on that given day. Sometimes the laundry doesn't get done, but it's also not any more dirty the next day.
- Being a mother has reinforced my sense of empathy and, while I still lose my junk far too frequently and can being impatient, I also think I view the people around me differently and am more willing to take time to deal with things I might have previously regarded as not important.
- Now that I am a mother and have learned all the tricks, I can get darned near any stain out of your lab coat.
- Being a scientist means I can take really cool little science experiments to Little Isis's school and blow the kids away with the electric pickle trick. I am a real superstar with kindergarteners.
- Being a mother and a scientist at the same time has made me realize how tough I really am so that, even when I feel completely overwhelmed, I am able to reflect on my own sueprhuman abilities and muscle through.
With that, I suppose I'll say that I am trying to make a commitment to embrace my two identities simultaneously. I won't say that I am always successful or that I don't occasionally deal with people regarding me differently since becoming a mother, but I also believe that these female identities have the capacity to allow us to do great things, not prevent us from meeting our potential. I realize that in trying to embrace my pre-baby identity I was denying a new identity that is even more amazing -- that of a super, kick ass mother, blogger, scientist who has the ability privilege of being able to nurse a baby, write a grant, do some kick ass science, teach some undergrads, and love her family and I am not ready to deny any of these experiences as they present themselves.
Education & Careers
Comments
I am in awe. You are so cool!
Posted by: gnuma | December 20, 2008 3:21 PM
This was an absolutely amazing post (even by your standards, Isis).
I'm saddened by the way that women often feel they have to hide motherhood in the workplace, while men feel free to mention their children without fear that colleagues will take them less seriously for it. I have been to several seminars where male speakers included cute pictures of their kids in the presentation as a light joke. I have never ever seen a female scientist do the same. A few months after our first daughter was born, my husband gave a lab meeting presentation that included a collage of our new baby, under the heading of "Side project in developmental biology." I would never ever have felt comfortable making a similar joke at lab meeting--even in the context of a very supportive lab environment. Like you, I felt I had to appear more serious, more committed than ever after having my baby--and I feared that any reminder that I had had a baby was a signal that I was NOT SERIOUS(a fear that the male postdocs in my lab never seemed to struggle with).
Anyway. Thanks for articulating an issue that so many women (scientist and non-scientist) deal with. I'm out of research science now...
Posted by: bean-mom | December 20, 2008 3:43 PM
just noting that i'm enjoying the conversations- for the purposes of seeing the footsteps i seek to follow.
the world has handed me enough heartbreak and suffering, i refuse to let it tell me i can't have everything i want including a family.
Posted by: leigh | December 20, 2008 3:47 PM
I'll second what gnuma wrote, and add:
Figure 2 looks suspiciously like E. coli to me.
Posted by: biopunk | December 20, 2008 3:54 PM
I don't understand why we, as women, feel the need to deny parts of ourselves in order to achieve greatness in some facet of our lives. While not in science, I am a mom and I stayed at home with my kids for quite a few years. I'm not saying that was a mistake, but ignoring the part of me that needed to be seen as something other than a wife and mother has been damaging. Congrats on your ability to do it all, I applaud you, even as I know it's not easy! I just wish I had learned sooner that it was possible, instead of giving into the pressures that others put on me.
Posted by: KSmith | December 20, 2008 4:05 PM
Maybe I haven't been working in science for long enough to see it, but I simply don't understand how one scientist can disparage or discriminate against another scientist, or technician for that matter, simply because they are pregnant or a mother. Or, perhaps, more accurately, I lack a system through which I am able to understand this.
I realize that there are practical concerns for a pregnant colleague or mother. For example, one of my fellow techs is currently pregnant and whenever we have something to do that involves formalin or other carcinogens/mutagens, etc. I gently try to make sure that I'm the one doing it and not her. Or when someone needs to leave early, I will help them out with no problem because I hope that if I had some kind of appointment or commitment that I need to leave early for they would do the same for me. Do these things make discrimination? I am trying to be flexible, but I realize that maybe this could be construed as condescending and/or paternalistic? Or am I worrying too much about this (I often have problems understanding social things and tend to overthink them)?
However, I have seen this kind of discrimination. As a young male tech (currently seeking grad school!), I seem to be expected to have no family and no outside interests. I remember interviewing for a job in another lab at my current institution and I mentioned that I would need to take a week or so off to get married during the summer and the PI thought it would be a hilarious joke to ask me why I would ever want to do something like get married?
An off topic question I wonder about that perhaps Dr. Isis would be well-suited to answer:
Observation - I have noticed that, with rare exception, female PIs and minority PIs tend to have more diverse labs with much more even gender ratios while older white male PIs very often have labs with mostly other white males. It should be noted that a potential confounding factor in this observation is a very limited sample size. Can anyone from institutions other than U.Michigan-A2 corroborate?
Question - Why?
Posted by: Toaster | December 20, 2008 4:18 PM
Oh Isis, this is a really wonderful post. My week away from Minnow allowed me to reconnect with my pre-baby self - going to all the sessions and receptions, staying out late with friends - but when I got back to the hotel at night, I really really missed the rest of my identity - my daughter. And seeing her this morning was by far the best part of my week.
Posted by: ScienceWoman | December 20, 2008 4:47 PM
My son spent 20 years in the Navy usually aboard ship. During that time my daughter-in-law had and raised 2 children, obtained her MBA degree, worked her way up to a senior accountant, maintained a home, paid the bills, moved many times, and kept her family and marriage intact. All of that was frequently done while my son was halfway around the world running the reactor on a giant aircraft carrier. I have enormous respect and admiration for her.
Posted by: Ron Hager | December 20, 2008 4:52 PM
I had my son at what is now considered an early age. Angel came to be when I was 24, in graduate school and working a full-time science job. But I was not yet a scientist. I think I also wasn't firmly established in any identity (I personally think women come into their own post 30). So I had no problem being one identity at work and another at home. That's not to say I didn't feel overwhelmed, stressed and like I was failing at everything. It is hard to imagine new motherhood without those feelings. It was often hard to leave him in the mornings but once I was at the office that part of me took over. It was also easy to leave my work and come home. As he got older and I grew into doing my own science my worlds merged and got much messier. Luckily by then I had established a degree of competency in both motherhood and science, so although it was difficult I never thought of not doing both.
Of course I also only had the one. I think caring for two children would have pushed me over the edge.
Interesting post. Thanks for allowing the opportunity for the conversation.
Posted by: Brigindo | December 20, 2008 5:29 PM
I have a huge shrine to my son in my office, and when I was interviewing for my current job I had a picture of him (age 9 months at the time) typing on a keyboard as my laptop's background image. It flashed up on the projected screen for all to see. But I didn't think anything of it. My boss is made of awesome and nobody in our group thinks twice about the fact that I have a child.
I think having a baby made me more efficient at the office -- I don't waste as much time there so that I can go home and bask in his glowing smile. And like you, Isis, I am more compassionate thanks to being a parent, but I'm also more assertive -- I'm not doing this work just for personal glory, but for the sake of my child as well.
Posted by: Rebecca | December 20, 2008 5:30 PM
re: sharing the lab work- one of my colleagues has had 2 children in the time we have worked together. i made a point to let her know i was more than willing to help her in any way she needed, just to ask. and i left it at that- we're at that very comfortable level with each other where i knew she was not afraid to ask. she did ask for help with a few things she knew would be difficult for her while she was pregnant, and i happily pitched in but otherwise did not intrude on her business. it seemed to work fine that way.
we're also the type of group that pitches in for each other frequently anyway- even though our projects are generally quite unrelated we use similar techniques. i will miss that atmosphere when i leave here.
Posted by: leigh | December 20, 2008 5:38 PM
It was not my intent to poke at your tender bits, dear Isis, but it is utterly comforting to know that my tender bits are not held exclusively by me. I do so appreciate the sense of community I have found here, but am newly saddened that I only confess these things with the protection of anonymity. I do hope that I will eventually find a way to combine my two identities into a single, coherent and honest identity, with super hot clothes and shoes.
Posted by: PostDoc | December 20, 2008 8:49 PM
Oh, biopunk...I had not considered that those little spikes might be cilia. I looked at that picture through my mammal-studying eyes but that is pretty genius.
I am enjoying that the menfolk also come round these parts to comment. Dr. Isis can never get enough worshipers in her harem.
Toaster, I don't know that I have systematically studied the composition of labs, but my field is largely white men and the labs tend to be small so I don't know have really seen a sufficient sample. Maybe someone else has a comment on the composition of labs in their field?
Posted by: Isis the Scientist | December 20, 2008 9:08 PM
A-freakin-men, Isis. A-freakin-men.
I do have a picture of Baby Jane in my office, right above my desk, and I do tend to mention the fact that I'm a mom at some point during my classes. But I'm still a lot more cautious about how I deal with my dual identities as mom and computer scientist. With my colleagues, I tend not to bring up Baby Jane unless someone asks me a direct question. (My male colleagues with children, on the other hand, bring up their children often in conversation.) And I try to be careful about how often I bring up Baby Jane in class. I'm not exactly comfortable being so cautious, but for me, it's fear. I don't have the luxury of tenure, and I'm in a field that can be pretty hostile towards women and minorities. So I don't hide it but I would certainly like to be more open about it.
The one exception for me is that with my female students (and a few male students whom I know fairly well), I am pretty open about my motherhood role. And you know what? Being so open with them has led to some excellent conversations about work/life balance, gender issues in CS, etc. The undergrads, especially, want to know how I'm handling the balance between work and family, "is it hard? is it even possible?", and have asked me some really great, insightful questions.
Posted by: Jane | December 20, 2008 10:11 PM
...
Both you and biopunk got it wrong.
That is obviously musca domestica, the common housefly.
...tom...
.
Posted by: ...tom... | December 20, 2008 10:32 PM
wow.
that's the best i can do until i pen a real response to this.
Posted by: PalMD | December 21, 2008 12:50 AM
Your remarkable blog has been spoilt for me by your use of the word "multi-tasking" There is of course no such thing. It is a myth which men use about women to flatter them into doing all the domestic stuff that they don't want to do. An acceptable alternative is "overworked"
Posted by: Michael fitzGerald | December 21, 2008 1:19 AM
Michael, I hope you will kindly forgive my assault on feminism. I am, after all, but a silly woman.
Posted by: Isis the Scientist | December 21, 2008 4:54 AM
Sorry to disagree with you Michael, but multi-tasking most certainly is quite real, and is facilitated by high stress (that is by low NO). But like all things related to NO is quite complex.
A reduction in my ability to multi-task was one of the early neurological symptoms I noticed when I increased my NO level. I had been in the custom for many years of listening to NPR while I worked, while I read papers, while I thought and did calculations, and while I wrote. It started becoming more difficult to concentrate and work effectively this way about a year or two after I started my "experiment" with NO. If I turned off NPR, I could work more effectively than I had ever been able to work before I started my NO experiment. The best way to describe it is that I could think "bigger" thoughts. In particular I remember suddenly understanding how gravitational radiation worked.
In trying to understand this, I hit upon the hypothesis that the brain is connected as a neural network in the near percolation threshold (which is a true critical point, where the properties of the system change exponentially around the critical point (both positive and negative)) with NO regulating the connectivity. A few years later, when I was discussing my ideas about this with H. E. Stanley (one of the world's expert on critical phenomena), he said that all natural neural networks self-regulate in the near percolation threshold.
My hypothesis is that under conditions of high NO, the length scale of neuronal connectivity is high, and so large volume elements of the brain are functionally connected resulting in computations using large volume elements. These large volume elements can support larger more complex ideas, but fewer of them (because the brain is finite in size), and because they are larger, their time constants are longer.
When NO levels are low, the length scale goes down, "Balkanizing" the brain into smaller more independent volume elements with less interconnection between them. The ideal situation for better multi-tasking. The smaller volume elements have shorter time constants and interfere less with each other. However, the smaller volume elements can only support simpler ideas.
Stress causes low NO. I think inducing increased multi-tasking under stress is a natural adaptive mechanism. When you are running from a bear, you need to be able to multi-task. Especially if you are a new mother carrying an infant. The postpartum period is a period of low NO.
Some people have brains hard-wired to be better at multi-tasking. These would be people on the autism spectrum, who were exposed to low NO in utero (my hypothesis). The low NO in utero causes neuronal hyperplasia and results in the characteristic neuroanatomy observed in people with ASDs, but also in people who are scientists. That characteristic neuroanatomy comprises more abundant minicolumns with smaller more numerous neurons and larger brains. I suspect that this increased neural density facilitates the ability to think in smaller, more fundamental and more primitive ideas; the kind of thinking that scientists need to do to build up big ideas from many small facts.
Stress may facilitate multitasking of simple tasks. It greatly interferes with doing larger tasks, tasks that require integrating large ideas together. Communication is not a simple task. Stress does cause communication abilities to collapse pretty abruptly in people with ASDs, called a "melt-down". If the size of the volume elements your brain is partitioned into doesn't match the size needed to do the tasks at hand, you can't do them well, or perhaps even at all. Putting people under stress to increase their ability to do a task is called motivation. Putting people under stress to impede their ability to do a task is called bullying. There is a difference.
I suspect that some bullying of women by men (but also other women) is to drive them into a multi-tasking state where they can do lots of simple things but don't have the reserves to question the larger social context they find themselves in. I think that raising everyone's NO level will help reduce that, or at least that is my hope.
Posted by: daedalus2u | December 21, 2008 11:12 AM
Another hot, honest post Dr.Isis. I had responded to Postdoc that her comments brought home so much about that struggles I have with the separation of work and mom role. I think ultimately, what made my first PhDlab so hard was the expectation to keep life separate. But I can not and did not, so instead of believing I was a failure for not doing so, I moved into in a lab that did not expect me to separate my life into different identities. I am just me, which encompasses different roles, but all those roles are me.
@Toaster - I have not done a systemic study either, but I will provide you with some data. My first PhD lab, I had a male supervisor who was very very supportive of my decision to have a baby. Unfortunately his lab was located in a research institute that had only white male PIs, all whom had SAHM for wives. When I first arrived the gender ratio within the building was quite even if not skewed toward women, but by the time I left it had reversed. Furthermore, the lab and the building had a strong culture of work-life separation. This was due b/c of the other PI and the members of the lab not something my PI was instilling. My new lab is with a female PI, who promptly displays pictures of her child. I was very specifically told that it was child friendly lab. Although 10 years ago there was not a single female PI in this department, that has now changed to a 50-50 ratio, and the culture is more accepting of balance.
Posted by: ScientistMother | December 21, 2008 3:51 PM
No, a-freakin-men to you, Jane. I do the same stuff sometimes and I look back and say "WTF!?!" I mean, you'll note that I blog pseudonymously -- a lot of the reason for that was that when I began the blog I was concerned about how my professional self might be judged for being so open about family life. Recent contact with my professional society tells me that they are more accepting than I expected. But, if there is one thing I have learned in the almost 6 months I have been keeping this little blog, it's that women are seeking role models to see how we deal with our families and our science. I will never claim to have all the answers and some days I am better at it than others, but I hope that by being explicitly open I can offer some guidance to other women. I hope there comes a time when I feel as open (and less guarded) professionally.
And daedalus, another stellar NO-based response. When you come around the blog it makes me vasodilate in an endothelially-dependent manner. You're a total NO rockstar!
Posted by: Isis the Scientist | December 21, 2008 4:20 PM
What a great post! I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear about other women scientist/mothers who are making it all work and are unapologetic about their dedication to all parts of their lives. We've still got a long way to go, but we've made a lot of progress too, haven't we?
On the other hand, the video about grandpajohn's big ugly pickle was rather disturbing. So Christians are like an electrocuted pickle? That seems so wrong in so many ways.
Posted by: Anonymous | December 21, 2008 4:47 PM
Dr. Isis, you kick total fucking ass!
Posted by: Comrade PhysioProf | December 21, 2008 4:59 PM
PhysioProf, you are far too kind. I am quite fond of you whack-a-balloons myself.
Posted by: Isis the Scientist | December 21, 2008 5:01 PM
My 2c just for a little balance, and so the proto-parent grad students and postdocs don't think identity crisis is inevitable:
I completely expected to have problems reconciling the 'mommy-me' with 'scientist-me', struggled with this a great deal, even considering not doing the mommy part for fear of losing the scientist-me. But finally decided to have neuro-baby, and the epic identity crisis...didn't happen. I don't know if it is due to the fact that I'm not TT (yet; RAP right now), have a wildly supportive mentor, a family friendly department that's heavily female and colleagues who respect me as a scientist, a hugely supportive spouse who does lots (more than half!) of childcare. I have been trying to dress better, more professionally, but that has more to do with wanting to be seen as Prof material, not to compensate for my mommy-ness (and I really needed an upgrade! frump-o-rama). I almost feel like I am considered more 'grown-up' for being a parent. And most of my (male and female) colleagues have kids, so we bond over it.
Maybe this says more about our work environments than me as an individual. Maybe if all of science were as supportive as the one I've found myself in, this wouldn't be such an issue.
Posted by: neurowoman | December 22, 2008 3:26 PM
It helps a great deal to read both your blog Isis, and the comments from other scientist women regarding this. Having children was never a major goal of mine so I've been struggling with the idea of making it all work when I know it's just going to make lots of stress. Few of the sci-women I know talk much about their balancing act (I guess they keep it all separate too) and all the sci-men have supportive wives who do most the work so...no role-models. I still don't know what to do, but it helps to read about how others are managing.
Posted by: stillunsure | December 23, 2008 2:07 PM
I am afraid I am not a scientist. But then I guess I could give my views on motherhood or perhaps comment on your blog and those of others who responded. I noticed that the comments generally commend you which of course is expected. I see in you the woman or the mother that I would like to become. You see my pregnancy is not planned. I got pregnant at once when I'm not prepared. However, I accepted the fact that I am pregnant and there would be limitations. I accepted it as a natural course of being married. I became the wife, my in laws would have- devoted to her husband needs and later on with the baby. All the while I accepted these roles uncomplainingly. It was for me the natural course of being married. Until of course, when I gradually emerged from the cage that I built around myself- "the natural course " But my realization that I could be myself besides being a wife and a mother is again a natural course- when it is economically important that I help if we are to raise our kid in a decent home of our own. No regrets though, because I enjoy both worlds. Although it could really be taxing if my husband had not been cooperative. There is a world out there for mothers. In this world, we get to see our worth. But of course our greatest worth is being a mother.
Posted by: Aida Tanchoco | May 14, 2009 8:14 PM