Considering the relative firestorm going on over at the DrugMonkey blog, and some career-related interactions I've had over the last week, I've spent a great deal of the evening pondering the cause of the gender disparity in science. To be honest, I don't really have the answer. I don't have any real data on the subject and I don't know what motivates the individual. But, I know what motivates me and, considering how many of my fellow bloggers have noted feeling disheartened by the recent debate, I thought perhaps I would ramble philosophical about being a woman in science.
Figure 1: You may notice in the reading of this post that I lose the ability to refer to myself in the 3rd person after 2 am. Some of you would argue that I should then blog exclusively after 2 am. To you I say, "thhhbbbbbb."
The truth of the matter is, I have thought a number of times this evening, "this science business is really fucking hard." Allow me to explain the current situation. Some of you who followed me from the old blog may remember that I celebrated a big birthday last month. For said birthday, Mr. Isis and I received tickets to see my favorite musician in concert. The concert is tomorrow night (technically tonight, I guess) and Mr. Isis and I have a hot date (followed by day six of our sexcapades, for those of you keeping track). I really think that going out is important to our marriage. We don't get a lot of child-free time and I have made a commitment to spend this time with him, away from our regular lives. Thus, tomorrow night (technically tonight, I guess) is dead for science. I need to be home tomorrow (technically today, I guess) in time to feed the clan, get all dolled up, and travel to the concert, so I need to leave work in the mid/late afternoon. I promised a science colleague I would help her with something for a few hours. This leaves, basically, before 10:30 am to accomplish my own tasks and that is just plain not enough time to get everything done before my end of the week meetings.
So my solution (which seemed like a really good idea at the time) was to go home yesterday, bounce my kids and feed them dinner, have bed time, and then come back to get my work done. Then I could go back home in the morning, shower, spend some more time with the wee ones, come back to work, and fulfill my commitments to everyone else for the rest of the day. Now that it is 3 am, this seems less like a good idea and, quite frankly, sucks ass. Still, there are two often competing interests in my life which I cannot always reconcile...
First, I really love my family and I have made a commitment to mother my children. Not simply to be a mother to my children -- biologically, as soon as we conceive our children we're mothers and that doesn't take much effort on our parts (trust me) -- but to be with them as often as I can for important events in the day. Dinnertime, storytime, and bedtime. Swimming lessons on Tuesday evening. Church on Sunday morning. Life in our house is so chaotic (as it is in most houses) and this chaos is largely induced by the demands of Mommy's career. I try my best to establish some degree of routine for my family and accept the burden to use other time to complete the non-family-related tasks in the day. I realize that I have chosen a challenging profession. Sometimes I evaluate my career and wonder if I am making choices that will negatively affect my family and I feel guilty. And sometimes I feel guilty when I look at all that is left to do in a day and I feel frustrated by my own inability to be SuperMommy-- after all, it was I who chose to reproduce and it is my responsibility to make sure that they don't turn out to be little criminals. I sometimes wonder if male academics go through this same process. Also, I don't sleep a lot. This probably contributes to the number of times I lose my junk in a day.
Figure 2: Damn it.
So, why not leave science and stay at home to raise the babies, thus abating my feelings of guilt? Because I love what I do and don't think I can turn off the part of me that is a scientist. Ever. I can't turn off the part of me that wakes up in the middle of the night to write down a new hypothesis or an equation or the part of me that would rather read a journal than watch a new movie. I can't turn off the part of me that gets excited about students or collecting data or putting together slides for a presentation. I don't know how to not ask questions, and even if I did, I don't think I would want to spend my life that way. I don't know if this is a motivating factor for other women who try to stay in science, but it's what drives the domestic and laboratory goddess (I think the coffee may be kicking in because that sounded like a 3rd person reference). I don't have the ability to not be a scientist, and so I am trying to have my cake and eat it too. I suppose, in thinking about the issues of gender disparity that have been discussed over the last 24 hours, that I get discouraged when I know I am sacrificing precious time with my offspring to try and pursue a career that a collective group of people tell me I can't have. It's hard to feel like an inadequate mother and an inadequate scientist.
And yet, here I am at almost 4 am still chasing data because it's science that keeps me up at night (tonight, quite literally). In two hours or so I am going to go home, crawl into bed with the Isis babies, cuddle up, and watch them dream. I'll probably kiss their little foreheads and silently beg their forgiveness for the times I haven't been there or may not be there because I am off chasing some result. I'll probably touch their little cheeks and quietly thank them for still loving me in spite of my inadequacies. And then, when they wake up, I'll make oatmeal and bounce them, I'll get dressed and come back to work, and I'll spend another day trying to figure out how to have it all.
Education & Careers
Comments
So far I only have the science part down but...I want it all too :)
Posted by: pumpkinesque | December 10, 2008 5:15 AM
I'm taking the first step in taking the science that I want. I hope that I can have it all too.
Posted by: Mintea | December 10, 2008 6:55 AM
lets see.
as a male, for the first 10 years as a faculty member I:
awoke at 5, did lecture prep, fixed breakfast for "the clan", graded, got kids off to school, went to work, meetings, lecture, research attempts, students advising, colleagues etc (you know the drill), home by 4, to exercise (need my hour), do dinner, help kids with homework projects etc. kids in bed, back to work, work until 2-3 AM back home, sleep 2-3 hours.
My wife suffered from major depressive illnesses for years, looking for correct meds took time, one child had major health issues
my solution, quit working at low end research institution (where expectations are ridiculous (little resources, but expect grants at same level of MIT, higher than average teaching duties, and higher than average service duties) and move to a small college where teaching is primary duty, but where I can still produce high quality (but slower) research. fortunately life settled down some, but even still, last nigh (I am full prof so no need to do this I guess) I was still in my office after midnight, becauase I still make sure I am home from 4 until "bedtime" for the rest of the family.
So forget about having it all, life throws too many curves, set priorties and achieve the things most important to you.
Posted by: anon | December 10, 2008 8:05 AM
*goofy*
Just once, I want to see a blog post somewhere saying "Science and motherhood: Life is a cakewalk!"
*/goofy*
Oh darling Dr. Isis, I wish I could help.
Posted by: becca | December 10, 2008 9:23 AM
Isis, I am sending you an i.v. caffeine drip in the mail. I have the dose perfectly calculated from my quals.
How many people HAVE this incredibly scarily stressful life? My advisor works past 5pm MAYBE once a month. Most of the time she's never at work before 10. She's often up later doing stuff, but it's always at home. Is it that she's at a primarily research MRU?
and I've got some more thoughts on this. I might end up posting it on my blog.
Posted by: scicurous | December 10, 2008 9:44 AM
key, primarily MRU...yes you are busy, but you life depends on one thing, data and grants. resources for start-up are usually quite good. source of students and postdocs are usually good, youhave to learn to be a good manager, but that takes less hours of your life than generating, analyzing and writing up data (that work is for the minions). its the wannabee schools you want to avoid. (of course in todays funding climate I understand how stressfull getting that first grant is and the renewals, and that MRU have upped the ante on how many grants you need to be juggling)--but all of those stresses are included in the lesser research wannabee MRU schools, but with the added stress of having grad students who need more training, lack o f postdocs, lack of start up, lack of other support staff, plus added teaching/advising/service loads.
becca, you want life: Science, motherhood cakewalk, you need to find a supportive spouse, and you have to be willing to let that supportive spouse do what are considered culturally "mother" roles.
Posted by: anon | December 10, 2008 10:01 AM
I'm working on it, anon.
I was raised by a stay-at-home Dad and a Teamster Mom; traditional gender sterotypes can kiss my lizard-tailed behind.
But the current SO is much more traditional. Sure he *says* he'd be willing to 'stay at home', but the real difference in our views is how much money is "enough". If I can't find somebody to pay me $100k/year to do science; he's going to think he has to work (for reference: I grew up in a one-income family with about 30k/year; 100k/year seems totally extravagant to me although I realize kids will quickly expand to consume all available income).
Posted by: Becca | December 10, 2008 10:11 AM
isis, your personal stories do a lot for me. after all, i'm kind of at a crucial point in my career decisionmaking process. i'm trying to decide where to go after grad school and what would be most advantageous to me and my future family, while somehow preserving a little bit of my sanity and allowing me to reach my full potential.
and i admire the hell out of you for doing all that you do and keeping it together well enough to be an ass kicking scientist and a wonderful mommy. but i wonder myself whether i have what it takes to do the same at a MRU like the one i live in (not a mistype) right now.
my mentor is pushing 60, kids well grown and stories from 20 years ago don't make it sound easy but are tinged with rose color. the ante has been upped since the early generation of "screw you, i can have my cake and eat it too" science moms, and from the current generation i hear stories of far greater pressure than the nostalgic memories of my boss's childrearing days.
i mean, not everyone does MRU type activities, but i kinda wonder if i would be happy if i traded high end (and high pressure) research that surrounds me now for a 70/30 teaching/research position with ms candidates for trainees or a director-type position in an industry setting where funding doesn't bang you over the head with a 2x4... but each has their own associated pressures too, where is my own personal line in the sand?...
that got rambly but i just wanted to say thanks for sharing your perspective so openly. i think that dose if reality is really important, especially for folks like me who are still deliberating with to do with their lives. we should be walking into our future with eyes open.
Posted by: leigh | December 10, 2008 10:45 AM
keep working at it becca. single income family here as well, with significant health issues. But living comfortably now (didn't break $40K until I was over 40). Unfortunately, too many men view entire self worth on income bracket (or toys in the yard) I still make no where near $100K (part of what happens when you move to small college)
Posted by: anon | December 10, 2008 11:54 AM
I sympathize. SO. HARD.
I feel the exact same way about art as you do about science. And OH THE GUILT when my boy is sick, but I am on tight deadline and cannot be the constant lap to cuddle up in that he wants for comfort. But it boils down to who we are-- I cannot NOT do art and also be happy. Then add in the other constants: Boy deserves happy mother, spouse deserves happy spouse. So, we do the balancing act as best we can.
My family means everything to me... but doing art also means everything to me. It's Perki's Paradox.
Posted by: The Perky Skeptic | December 10, 2008 12:17 PM
The sacrifices suck big time. Last night monkey screamed himself to sleep b/c he didn't understand why mommy wasn't putting him to bed. I had to mark final exams, and just needed to get them done. Even with not putting him to bed, it took till 11:30pm to get 3 Q's done. I will not see monkey tonight as I'm finishing the marking and then will be attending a meeting. It sucks ass, but I wouldn't be happy staying at home. It so important for our kids to see us happy. The most important thing is that they know you love them and are their for them. Hugs to you.
Posted by: ScientistMother | December 10, 2008 1:11 PM
That last paragraph almost made me cry. I am not kidding. That was really touching.
Posted by: Josh | December 10, 2008 1:17 PM
Thank you for sharing your stories. They're very helpful for those of us at the beginning of this career track.
My husband and I have decided that we can't have kids. He and I both need 8 hours of sleep a night in order to function. I get Depression and Panic Attacks if I don't sleep. So it seems like kids are out of the question for us, because I have yet to meet an academic (or any other career professional with long working hours) who has juggled career and children while maintaining ~8 hours of sleep a night.
Posted by: Sara | December 10, 2008 1:58 PM
The wee-hours of the morn bring a clarity that can't be replaced. This post will last in my mind forever. "I'll probably touch their little cheeks and quietly thank them for still loving me in spite of my inadequacies." Just ctrl-V'ing that feels good, and almost brings a lump into the Fish's throat. Thanks for that.
Posted by: TreeFish | December 10, 2008 2:07 PM
I agree with Treefish. Those hours when they are asleep, and you have a moment to reflect, and they DO love you in spite of your inadequacies. . .
The thought of having a partner who would be stay at home so I can pursue my career is an interesting one. As I love my research far too much to want to give it up, I hardly feel that I could ask that of my partner either. Of course some partners will want to stay home, but mine enjoys his workplace and the intellectual stimulation that it brings. And I am glad for him to have it too. So a compromise of some kind is required, but where are the bits that give?
Posted by: kiwi | December 10, 2008 2:40 PM
I have weeks like Dr. Isis even though my husband is the primary caretaker for our son. When faced with deadlines and seemingly unmanageable task lists, I've found myself trading sleep for late nights of work so that I could spend early evening hours with my child. I've personally found this tolerable because the crazy hours and crushing deadlines tend to come in waves, so that I have time to recover and hopefully avoid burnout. I hope that Dr. Isis has similarly less-hectic times. I am grateful that my job allows for the kind of flexibility to manage my time in this way. I can still try to schedule pediatrician's visits so I can attend and provide mommy hugs, even squeeze in the occasional story-time at our library - I feel that is a huge plus in our profession.
I hope you have time to re-energize (and sleep) sometime soon.
Posted by: New -ology mommyprof | December 10, 2008 3:18 PM
Hi (sheepishly). Yes, I'm the Bad Man from DrugMonkey. No, I'm not here to carry that discussion over here, where it's neither appropriate nor wanted.
What I wanted to share was that my son was born a month before my PhD defense (he was actually there; slept through the whole thing). It was really tough for my wife and I to both be postdocs and feel like we weren't abandoning him, especially when he was a baby and got violently ill on anything but breast milk for the first year. Luckily, a couple faculty had babies about the same time, and with them we convinced the upper administration that an on-site day care would be a great thing. We got permission to gut a floor in an older administrative building right next to ours and a small budget to renovate it and start a nonprofit day care for departmental faculty. A bunch of us parents did most of the physical work (it was fun!), and acted as 'board of directors' to hire staff (how often do you get to hire the staff at your daycare?). Later, we built a playground (We bribed a guy driving a backhoe at a nearby construction site to do some crucial digging in the rock-hard soil). Basically, the university provided the premises and permission and we provided oversight and a lot of labor. The place has grown in popularity and the University now uses it as a showcase example of their family-friendly environment (as if it were their idea!). It also works as an effective recruiting tool for faculty with families, in a gorgeous geographical area with world-class programs (a dept member just won the Nobel prize), but which many people from the coasts don't think of as an attractive place to live. The daycare is still doing very well: http://www.biology.utah.edu/biokids/
Anyone who wants info on the place should contact them, or -- more importantly -- if you want to talk with a couple of the founding parent faculty about how to maybe get something similar done where you are, contact Mike or Denise Bastiani in the Dept of Biology.
My point is, it CAN get easier to raise a family and have a career too. Don't be afraid to take the initiative. Be an activist for this stuff. Explain how it's good for the university if people don't have to stay up all night trying to juggle family needs and work. I know I'm an asshole, but I really do sympathize.
p.s. My son always liked 50ml centrifuge tubes with a microfuge tube in it, as a rattle. Now he's 11, and into dry ice and liquid nitrogen.
Posted by: Dave | December 10, 2008 4:10 PM
Sara, if you need your sleep that much, you probably wouldn't be able to cope even if you were a stay-at-home mother. My older daughter (now three) has been sleeping through for about a year now,
Re the OP, yes, getting the balance right is so hard - even for me as a part-timer. I have been thinking a lot about productivity tools and time management to help me cope, but in the end, it comes back to ye olde priorities.
Your #1 priority should be you, because if you can't function, nobody will be happy. Seriously. This isn't egotistical new-age BS.
I suppose, in thinking about the issues of gender disparity that have been discussed over the last 24 hours, that I get discouraged when I know I am sacrificing precious time with my offspring to try and pursue a career that a collective group of people tell me I can't have.
Yes you CAN. You can BE that change, you can have that career. You can be successful, and you can define your own success.
Posted by: perceval | December 10, 2008 4:29 PM
Dave:
Fuck you. Why don't you apologize to Dr. Isis for what you said to her on DM's blog? Before you swagger in here, proud of your performance there and arrogantly ready to dispense advice.
Yeah, I know. You're a troll, and I've just taken the troll bait. And it's not like Dr. Isis needs me (of all people!) to defend her. But I'm going to let myself do it this once.
Go fuck yourself,
Juniper
Posted by: Juniper Shoemaker | December 10, 2008 5:03 PM
Enjoy your date with Mr. Isis!
Posted by: Academic | December 10, 2008 7:14 PM
Sara: As a mother and researcher who LOVES her 8 hours a sleep a night, I have 3 children and a career. I just didn't work for the first 6 months of each of their lives. My brain was pretty well tragic for that period. I guess what I am saying is, if you really want something, you will find ways to make it happen.
Posted by: kiwi | December 10, 2008 7:47 PM
Isis- I wish I could tell you that it will get easier, but it doesn't really. We manage one day at a time, with healthy give and take between us two parents. Some periods of time will be worse than others. And your children don't need you to be a goddess- they need you only to love them, teach them about the world, and be good enough. But mostly just to love them- and here it seems that you are doing very well.
Dave- I see your daycare center is accredited by the national association for the education of young children- that's pretty amazing as that certification is incredibly difficult to get.
Posted by: drdrA | December 10, 2008 8:40 PM
Actually, it does. About the time they hit grad school, their maintenance requirements seem to get down to the "no sleep lost" level.
Posted by: D. C. Sessions | December 10, 2008 9:15 PM
About the time they hit grad school, their maintenance requirements seem to get down to the "no sleep lost" level.
that's if you're a good parent, and supportive over the long term...
Posted by: leigh | December 10, 2008 11:59 PM
For the first time in my life, I'm hiring someone to clean my house. Regular cleaning (every other week) starts Friday after next. I can't give less to my kids, and I can't "turn off" the science, either. I am, however, saying that husband and I can not do the regular deep cleaning, wrangle with 2 kids under the age of 6, maintain a happy marriage, and work outside of the home full time.
Enough.
I fully admit that we can't do it all. So, we've finally gotten help.
Posted by: Peanut | December 11, 2008 12:47 AM
you = awesome
keep it up.
Posted by: some girl | December 11, 2008 5:03 AM
Hello great and powerful Dr. Isis, I am a wee microbiologist still in the application process for my first post Bachelorette of Science job. I've been lurking for a little while, but what you said here made me think of why I love science. The summer before embarking on MRU as an undergraduate I was still utterly confused about what I wanted to major in. I ended up reading through the degree requirements for a bunch of things and it hit me that non-science majors don't really take science classes. And I knew right then that I could do anything, but I couldn't not do science. That's what I tell people now, I couldn't live without it.
Oh and I read through almost all of your old posts. Now whenever I get rejected from a lab I just figure I boosted her next grant application cause she can list me as one more interested person and I go on my merry way.
And for something shoe related: How does Dr. Isis feel about toe cleavage?
Posted by: wee microbiologist | December 12, 2008 12:50 AM
So, does Mr. Isis suffer the same way? This is the issue I've been struggling with. Some of the discrepancy is biological -- when I first became pregnant (and had very strange, in retrospect, plans to share the burden with my supportive spouse) I noticed right away that I was having limits put on me (on travel, on work in the lab, etc.) while my husband was ramping up to the busiest time of his career life. I took maternity leave; I nursesd; That created an on-going pattern.
But, now my kids are older, and I still see the chlidren taking up my brain space in a way that they do not for my husband, and, that's in spite of the fact that he is a very involved father, and I am a woman who is fully willing to share the duties of motherhood.
Posted by: neurolover | December 12, 2008 12:52 PM