The Egyptian goddess Isis was celebrated as the ideal wife and mother. This morning I have been reflecting on how we set priorities at different stages in our careers (you'll know why momentarily). As undergrads, grads, postdocs, and faculty there are things that feel immediately important and crucial to us that may not be regarded as such by the people in the level immediately above us. For example, it has happened on a number of occasions when teaching undergraduates that have turned in a paper to me and then began to get cranky about not receiving it back in what they felt was a timely fashion. On one occasion, my delay in grading was caused by the need to collect pilot data to submit a funding application. However, at that particular time the things that were immediately important to each of us were not the same. They were unable to appreciate my need to collect data and I was probably less than sensitive to their strife over their grades. I made a decision (right or not) to put my needs above theirs and it resulted in some discomfort for them. I think this happens frequently.
In fact, this has happened to me recently and has resulted in more than a bit of discomfort for the domestic and laboratory goddess. Here at MRU I am mentored by a number of senior faculty, but especially by one particular faculty member with whom I have a very close relationship. Today I am giving my first research update to some very hot shot-type folks and I have been trying to get this faculty memeber to meet with me, discuss data, and review my talk with me. He has had other things come up, related to a recent promotion, and yesterday I got to feeling selfish and became really cranky with him about our failure to meet. He assured me that I am a priority to him and that we would meet this morning to review things before my talk. I am sure that I grumbled my reply.
As I was stepping into the shower this morning my phone rang and I noticed that the call was from his cell. I immediately became irritated over what I assumed was going to be another brush-off and answered the phone with the irritation in my voice. But it was his wife on the phone calling to tell me that he was in the emergency room with a very, very serious condition. He had asked her to call and apologize but his date with the operating room and general anesthesia would prevent us from meeting today.
As I sit here waiting to give my talk, I realize that I probably didn't need him as badly as I thought I did and I feel profoundly guilty for having been irritated and potentially unkind with him. I am very driven and I know that one of my weaknesses is the capacity to be overly harsh with those I feel are preventing me from reaching my potential. As I reflect on this today, I realize that time is limited and we all need to appreciate the needs of those more senior than us to make the decisions that advance their careers too -- I may not have the capacity to understand what all of these things are. Sometimes we are simply not a priority and I was probably harder on him than I should have been.
I'm going to go give my talk, but this has been a hard lesson today for the domestic and laboratory goddess. A hard, guilt-filled lesson.
Comments
I am sure you're going to rock on that talk. All of get to be selfish now and then. The important thing is that you recognized it and now can deal with it better.
Posted by: ScientistMother | December 19, 2008 5:00 PM
Because this is highly related to this posting, I'm gonna bring it up here instead of over on my blog.
The professor who was writing letters for me, the one who basically dropped the ball and had me freaking out until he finally handed me the two letters that I needed to mail? Yeah, that one.
Well, 6 of my deadlines were 12/15. 5 were online recommendations (plus the one I mailed in from him). 4 of them were my top choices.
Guess what! 12/15 came and went and there are no recommendation letters on file with any of the online applications. I had sent him a reminder email the week prior and resent all of the recommendation links.
I realize that my letters are not a top priority for him, but given that he had 2 months to prepare since giving him the materials, that he confirmed his willingess 3 times, that he already WROTE the damn letter since I was able to mail in a hardcopy, is it not entirely unacceptable that he absolutely dropped the bomb on me when I gave him the benefit of the doubt?
And what do I do about it? I wanna call him up and bitch, but I'm too "nice" to do that, for the reasons you gave above - what if something happened?
But seriously - this is very important to me, I spent a lot of time and $$ on these applications, and it's possible that 3 of my top 4 programs won't even look at my application now (even though they've had all other materials since 11/5) because this one professor couldn't be bothered to get the shit in on time.
Opinions? Suggestions?
Posted by: JLK | December 19, 2008 5:29 PM
Had you gotten any backup letters from a faculty member in case this happened?
If not, my advice is to submit his letters.
Posted by: Isis the Scientist | December 19, 2008 5:31 PM
Isis, what great advice. I'll pull up this post next time I want to pull out my hair, waiting (indefinitely) for my supervisor to respond to my emails. After all, it's not all about me.
Posted by: Candid Engineer | December 19, 2008 6:55 PM
capacity to be overly harsh with those I feel are preventing me from reaching my potential.
can i EVER identify with that. i recently let slip a very sarcastic undertone in an email to someone of exactly that nature, and that was not good.
i hope that everything turns out for the best for all parties. i know you'll lay down some blazing hot science that will blow them away!
Posted by: leigh | December 19, 2008 7:15 PM
I am very driven and I know that one of my weaknesses is the capacity to be overly harsh with those I feel are preventing me from reaching my potential.
I am so very, very guilty of this. And until today, when you so succinctly put those words in front of me, I never clearly saw this part of myself. Thank you.
Posted by: stickypaws | December 19, 2008 9:24 PM
We've all done that. At one point, my husband was working 80 hour weeks and trying to also help me with our newborn. Via the child, we caught a bug, but my husband was already so drawn out that it put him in the hospital and his kidneys had shut down (though, thankfully, recovered). The morning after this happened, a co-worker called to find out where he was, and I bit the poor guy's head off. He really felt bad, and my husband told me that he was the last one with whom I should have been irate. I still feel guilty.
Posted by: Cherish | December 19, 2008 11:46 PM
No, just the other two required recommendations. Like I said in the comments about mentors, I haven't had really any professors at my MRU who have gotten to know me. Just the one whose letter is all set, and this one.
The 2 hardcopy letters he handed to me I already mailed in with the rest of the application materials. Those are all set, but they are the ONLY ones that are all set.
That's what's so maddening - the damn letter is already written, he just needs to c&p them into the online submission program.
I seriously don't know what to do at this point. But I'm about to lose my junk.
Posted by: JLK | December 20, 2008 12:20 AM
JLK, I have recently learned the hard way (I tend to learn all of my lessons this way) that the only one you can control is yourself. You can explain to this person how important this is to you, what the timeline is, and what you need of them but at the end of the day you can't make his hand hit ctrl+c and ctrl+v.
I would go to the professor who has been responsive to you for advice and potentially contact the schools youo are applying to and explain the situation. This other professor may be able to offer you some more guidance.
Posted by: Isis the Scientist | December 20, 2008 12:41 AM
Great post.
I especially liked how, in the end, you realized you didn't need this man to help you with your talk.
I hope his surgery went well!
I think one big theme here (and one of my personal pet peeves of all time) is that scientists (and probably most other people too?) need to LEARN TO COMMUNICATE.
So here's some advice for those of you who are worried you're being inconsiderate (because you probably are):
1. If you're running late on doing something you promised to do, and/or it is not a priority for you, SAY SO and say how long you think it's going to take (or if you don't care and never will!). That way, the person who thinks they are waiting for you to help them... can find help elsewhere.
2. Don't agree to do more than you can do. JUST SAY NO. It's better for everyone if you're up front about your commitments and priorities than if you pretend to care when you really don't.
But this requires that you be honest with yourself, and in my experience most scientists are not all that aware (although I suspect most bloggers are more self-aware, on average, than most non-bloggers!).
3. Help the person who needs your help find other help to replace you (at least in this instance when you can't commit to doing it yourself).
Whether or not you feel this is your job is not the issue. If you're in a position to help name a few names, it usually doesn't take more than a few seconds off the top of your head to say "Ask so-and-so, I bet she would know. Tell her I sent you."
Posted by: msphd | December 20, 2008 12:57 PM