On Thursday the Letters to Our Daughters Project got a lovely mention from Sheril over at The Intersection. Are there words for how much I adore Sheril? I am an admirer of Sheril, her brilliant writing, and the outreach that she does with trainee scientists and journalists. I can't wait to receive her letter (hint).
In the comments section of her post, concerned commenter Robert notes:
One observation is that for any fields near mine, the project is overly focused on academia. You at least mention 'and beyond'. But irrespective of gender, over 2/3rds of the doctoral graduates in fields near mine do not wind up working in academia. This is one thing I've mentioned to my daughter.
I noted when I began the project that my inspiration was the current attrition rate of female scientists and the fact that I am descended from men. Still, I think it is premature for any of us to define what this project is when there have only been two letters. Thus far I have connected with and collected letters from a number of women I admire. I've told them that they can write anything they want to you. Some have written traditional letters and some have written stories. I had to chuckle as I read Robert's comments about my project being focused on academia because I knew that the next letter in the series comes from outside the ivory tower.
Today's letter comes from science journalist and biologist Wendee Holtcamp. Wendee is a freelance science writer published in Scientific American, Audubon, Smithsonian and others. She is Animal Planet's news blogger and a contributing writer for Texas Parks & Wildlife Magazine. She was a National Science Foundation Graduate Research Fellow at Rice University, achieved Ph.D. candidacy, but left the program after a divorce. Her blogspot blog is here. What I adore about her is that Wendee embarks on amazing adventures, swimmming with sharks and climbing in Nepal, while also being a single mother to two teenagers.
Here is her letter:
"Why doesn't anyone take my ideas seriously?" I asked an older, graduate student friend, as we chatted outside a college pub.
"It's the way you look," he said bluntly, "Take off your makeup and reduce the size of your hair."
"That is so petty," I rolled my eyes to heaven. "Why can't my ideas be judged on their merit and not the size of my hair?" Granted, this was the late 1980s when big hair and makeup were in, especially in Texas.
Shortly after the exchange I flew off to Australia to study rainforest ecology. For three months I lived in a cabin in the woods, took cold showers, and learned how to do field research trapping rabbit-sized rats. Ah heaven! I came back with unshaven legs, flat hair and no makeup.
True to my friend's words, I fit right in to the science culture at my university. Makeup-free and with straight hair, I completed my Bachelor's and then my Master's degrees in Wildlife Ecology. I worked well with all my professors, earned As, breezed through my defense, and published my research in a top journal. I was able to scale tall buildings in a single bound. Sure, I worked hard, but people really listened to my ideas.
Then I got married, and had a daughter, then a son. For the next seven years, I retreated from science to raise my kids and embark on a science-writing career. With family in tow, I drove the Alaska Highway, and tracked sea turtles on the high seas. I wrote about armadillos, rooftop gardens, and poop-squirting caterpillars. All the while raising my two lovely cherubs.
Somewhere between changing diapers and reading Captain Underpants, makeup crept back on my face. I re-embraced my womanhood. I became a fashionista. Or maybe I was just hiding my budding wrinkles. I fit right in with my hip book club friends. We shopped, we gabbed, we went to see the Vagina Monologues.
But when I started working on my Ph.D. -- ten years after I'd completed my undergraduate degree, reactions from friends and family ranged from jubilation to hesitation to disdain.
"I'm worried you're never going to cook dinners now," my husband fretted, who already lamented my sporadic interest in all things culinary.
When I asked if she was excited for me returning to school, one of my hip book club friends told me casually that she wasn't into "collecting degrees."
Nobody in our extended family had ever received a college degree until my cousin and I earned ours. So maybe I was entitled to collect degrees. My aunt thought so. "You are setting such a wonderful example for your children!"
But I wasn't so sure. My daughter, in her typical precocious way, told me, "I don't think anybody with a child who is eight should get their Ph.D. You are just too busy all the time."
"But I can't let daddy have a Ph.D. and not me," I countered. "I want one too!"
"What does it mean exactly to have a Ph.D.?," she asked.
"If you have a Ph.D. it means you're really smart."
"You don't need a Ph.D. then. You're already really smart."
And if the family reaction was difficult, it was nothing compared to what I've heard from male professors.
One professor told me, it was too bad our university didn't have a graduate program in science writing (in other words, maybe I really shouldn't be in science).
One professor asked me if my fear of flying was a "sex thing." Taken aback, I mumbled, "ugh... no." Then he added that there was a book about sexual liberation called Fear of Flying that was popular in the seventies. My book club friends hated the book. I found it complex and intriguing, but we all agreed it was inappropriate for Professor X to mention it, with its heroine having a lustful, if unsatisfying, affair.
Another professor on the admitting committee who had exclaimed his thrill over my entry to the Biology department later accused me of hubris.
I had to go look it up in the dictionary. "An exaggerated sense of self confidence."
Ha! I tried to tell him he just didn't understand, but I was going to win the Nobel Prize one day. He looked at me as if I'd said I was an alien. He obviously doesn't get my sense of humor.
It seems that the higher I climb up the totem pole of success, the more resistance I encounter. Whatever happened to those feel-good messages from kindergarten: You can be anything you want to be! Girls can do anything boys can! Go make your dreams come true!
What I'm discovering as I journey toward my doctorate is that while women may cheer our abundant opportunities in the 21st century, equal opportunity does not always mean equal treatment. The little voices of doubt rattle around at the back of my mind.
Am I naïve to think I can raise a family and earn a Ph.D.? Can I be a woman scientist, and not sacrifice my femininity? Can't a woman be intelligent, confident, and pretty without being reduced to a mere sex object? Am I to be scorned for dreaming that I may one day do research important enough to deserve the Nobel Prize?
"That professor who accused you of hubris is clearly threatened by you," one friend who is studying psychology told me. "You know," she said, "I have this theory that about men who are threatened by women with a mind of their own..."
"I don't know," I said, "I think it just must be the makeup."
Wendee Holtcamp
Education & Careers
Life Science
Comments
Great story! I, too, used to dream of winning the Nobel prize. Well, not really. I wanted to win an Oscar, but since I do nothing with the movie industry that seems pretty unlikely (although only slightly less likely than the Nobel; maybe even more likely if I ever get my act together and start my novel which gets optioned and I help write the screenplay and have a small supporting role that gets me noticed....). The important thing is to aim high and enjoy what you do. Sounds like you are.
As a blog from Sephora pointed out Thursday (you, too, can follow them on Twitter), psychologists say "primping" is healthy because it gives us a feeling of control (although as I look in the magnifying mirror to do my eyeliner these days I'm reminded that control is an illusion). So break out the lipstick and call it therapy! I believe shoes are therapeutic as well - can I pay for them out of my healthcare reimbursement account???
Posted by: Pascale | May 9, 2009 10:49 AM
You know, this reminds me of myself. I go through stages of living in the jungle, no make-up, dodging monkey poop and the like...and then I feel like I want to wear the pretty clothes and dainty shoes. I realize that we're all multi-faceted people. But I wonder why I switch roles so often. I do know that I've encountered an interesting (if not distressing) trend recently.
When I attend conferences, I always dress up in business casual wear--usually a suit if I'm giving a talk. I've garnered attention from male colleagues because I look like a feminine woman. And I've always enjoyed being complemented and to be given attention (who wouldn't?). But I end up questioning myself at almost every conference because I hear too many off-hand comments about the 'reasons' a male scientist might wish to chat with me. These come from just about anyone and so the question creeps into my mind, "Should I dress-down? Should I pull my hair back into a stern bun?" Maybe then I could be assured that when I'm railing on and on about my latest set of experiments, my figures are being studied...not my 'figure'.
I imagine this post might seem a little egocentric. Sadly, I sometimes wish I could be a little MORE self-centered. Because the reality is that I don't really know at all! I don't know if I'm being approached because of the lab I'm in, the hot science I'm laying down, or because my eyes match my shirt.
But I feel like I'm living a double standard because, in a social setting, I'm not afraid to be attractive or flirtatious and it doesn't bother me in the least to be approached simply because a dude noticed my a$$. And so, when the networking and drinking pick up after a day's talks, it can be difficult to suss out who's interested in what.
Anyway...I think I've started to ramble. And I'm afraid I might have offended some people-if so, that wasn't my intent. I'm just learning as I go, I suppose.
Posted by: ElectroFizzz | May 9, 2009 5:08 PM
Dear Wendee,
How wonderful to hear your story. I am also a woman who took a 10 year break between MS and PhD, and has struggled to be taken seriously in academia. Lets hope there will be more and more of us with time. I kind of like the idea of talking science while putting our makeup on. .
Posted by: anon | May 9, 2009 10:27 PM
Love it! Also love shoes, eyeliner, big hair and (occasionally) hubris. :)
Posted by: Dr.FabulousShoes | May 9, 2009 10:44 PM
The bigger the hair, the smaller the ass, the smarter the brain! Your magazine articles rock and your kids will totally get how hard you worked when they are able to look back and read about all the cool shit you've done in your life.
Posted by: jc | May 9, 2009 10:46 PM
aww YOU guys rock! I am so honored and excited that Isis printed my story/letter!! I emailed the previous letter by Pascale to my daughter (who is now 14). Now that I'm in science writing I suppose it doesn't matter how I dress and I don't worry about it! :) Mind you, that isn't immune to the same offhand comments about femininity. I can trek through Nepal for 10 days without a shower, poop in a hole in the ground, wear no makeup for all this time, and yet when I ask for hot water to wash my totally disgusting rat-nest hair, I am jokingly called the diva. Yet the guy who didn't wash his ass for all this time ended up in the hospital with extreme hemorrhoids. I kid you not! I need to write an essay about that :) LOL. I think in the end, maybe, we women scientists should aim to be ourselves. Do the best science (or science writing in my case) we can, and not worry about whether a male scientists is talking to us because of our figure or our figures... use it to our advantage! :)
Posted by: Wendee Holtcamp | May 10, 2009 12:56 AM
Wendee- you should see the looks you get when you tell them the plan for three Nobels. I figure if I'm going to do hubris, I should do it right!
Also, your daughter was very wise. They can give you a diploma, but they can never give you brains.
ElectroFizz- One of the things I think a lot of us struggle with is that we are perfectly nice, sociable, friendly folks... and then the warped standards of Professional Scientific Behavior get thrown about, counfounded by the ambiguous standards of What Is Acceptable For Women... and we don't know how to behave. It's probably because when you look at the intersection of those two categories, it's very small (vanishing?). Amendment to Zuska's line: There is no right way to be a totally hot woman in science.
anon- I like the idea of talking science during all manner of quirky activities. Personally, I enjoy bursting into musical numbers (like "Makeup" from Hedwig... *feels whistful for AwesomeStoryTellerPostdoc who did the Timewarp with her*)
(ok, my posts get weird when I'm up too late- sorry about the weird!)
Posted by: becca the gradstudent by day, punkrockstar of stage n screen by night | May 10, 2009 5:37 AM
Wendee - all I have to say is...YOU GO GIRL!
You ARE setting the example for your kids, for women, for women in science, for writers, AND for MEN everywhere. By golly, it's not about being a woman. It's about being smart, intuitive, determined, strong, courageous, loving, and beautiful all at the same time. You are being just that.
Someday, I believe you WILL win that Nobel Prize. You just keep rockin' it and showing the rest of us how to do it.
God Bless ya, hon!
Posted by: Lisa | May 10, 2009 11:33 AM
"...equal opportunity does not always mean equal treatment."
Yes. OMG. I wish all those people who say feminism's work is done would realize this, and realize that things are still not equal at all.
Thank you Wendee, for an awesome letter!
Posted by: Nekohime | May 10, 2009 1:44 PM
Love it! March forth to collect your Nobel prize with big hair, make-up and heels! And your daughter was indeed right - just because you have a PhD doesn't mean you have brains...just look at all those small minded academic males threatened by a hot chick with 'hubris' - not sure i used this correctly in a sentence...i would have to had look it up to! Well, i did say that a PhD didn't make you smart!
Jo
Posted by: Jo | May 11, 2009 12:17 AM
Thanks Wendee for a great letter! Yeah, it's the make-up, but I say wear it proudly!! Here's what i've learned, if you're going to wear it (and I did), you have to BE PREPARED! Be prepared for the offhand or even degrading comment and be READY for the comeback. Don't stand there and take it! Don't assume (ha ha) that because you have a working relationship with male counterparts that is (or perceived to be) built on mutual respect, that it will hold up when you're sitting around a table ready to make decisions, but disagreeing. You might find yourself being told to "go get the coffee". You'd better be ready in that shocking moment to defend yourself boldly. And WOMEN, for pete's sake, stand up for each other! If you don't, you've ruined your place at the table AND every other woman's--even those to come.
Posted by: Holly Schneider Ross | May 11, 2009 11:37 AM
You go girl!! Love it Holly. You know, I shared a link to Pascale Lane's letter on my Facebook page and two guys responded, one said "no you are probably just being a bitch" - he's a funny guy though and probably (half) joking. The other man said "get over it" along with some other choice words indicating he did NOT "get it" about the equal opps vs equal treatment. I find it sad that men otherwise enlightened environmentally, politically and educationally still do not understand the pervasive but subtle discrimination that continues - not just for women but racial and other things as well. GUYS need to read these letters!!
Posted by: Wendee Holtcamp | May 11, 2009 12:06 PM
After doing the research at the Northwest Center for Research on Women at UW (Seattle), teaching marine science to rural high school girls at a UW summer science camp, and then experiencing it myself after grad school while working, I wish I could say that it's changed, and things have gotten better, but I guess it's still there. So, wear the lipstick and the heels, but keep a suit of armour close by - it's more than thick skin that's needed - you've got to stand up for yourself!
Posted by: Holly Ross | May 11, 2009 12:39 PM
I nominated a favorite professor for an Outstanding educator award recently, requiring a selection of recommendations from faculty and students. The letters from female faculty members, in her department and the engineering department she created a bridge for, all spoke of the incredible power of knowing another woman who had been through the mother/scientist juggling act, who could help navigate the playing field. She made sure new female faculty got good grad students, the one sure thing to assist a faculty members career. It makes an enormous difference for us to support one another...
Wendee, as your daughter observes that you are "too busy", she is noticing that you choose not only to nurture your family, but to nurture yourself. This looks "too busy" next to a mother who is nurturing her family by a more traditional template (no slam here, different choices at different times). Perhaps she will not have to make as severe a change as some of us have, from being traditional mothers to fighting our way back into a working arena. One thing that handicaps women in academia and industry is that we are often given the "caretaker" roles, the "service" responsibilities, that leave us little time to do research or the work that brings that promotion. Sitting on committees, assisting with departmental needs, all of these administrative tasks are easily welcomed by a woman who is trying to solicit approval in her new job... while her research or project languishes. In balancing your dreams with your chores, you are teaching your daughter that a balance can be striven for, even if we never perfectly meet it, before she feels she has to give up one extreme for the other... You are a role model!
Posted by: Kirsten Miles | May 26, 2009 3:46 PM