Dr. Isis owes all her little muffins a profound apology. I have been quite selfish lately and am now sitting on a ton of "Ask Dr. Isis" emails. I mean, a ton.
Figure 1: An artist's rendition of Dr. Isis's email inbox. Sometimes things fall in there and never come out. If it makes you feel any better, my MRU email is worse
So, with that, I am sorting and shoveling and crafting answers to all of your delightful questions and dilemmas, beginning with this one:
Recently Patchi of the My Middle Years blog sent me a link to a post in which she discusses her son's gender identity and requested the smoking hot commentary of everyone's beloved domestic and laboratory goddess. In the post she writes (read the full post at her site):
It all started with pink shoes - sparkly pink sneakers to be exact. My oldest son asked to buy shoes at a store, instead of them coming in the mail. At the store, I made an off-hand comment about pink being a girl color and now I am bombarded daily with questions on the gender of every color and everything else. Having a 3 year old tell me I cannot do something because I am a girl would be less offensive if he was not my own son. Now I have to dig myself out of this hole...
I have nothing against men wearing pink - or skirts - or whatever else they feel like wearing. But my son is 3, and the kids at daycare are merciless. I would rather he decided to fight the stigma when he is mature enough not to fall for the teasing. Nowadays he seems to fall apart when someone calls him a baby......
But how can we teach children about gender without pointing out some differences? I worry that making gender distinctions will unintentionally propagate gender discrimination - biases that I feel affronted by in my adult life. The basics are easy: Dada is a boy, Mama is a girl. Only mommies have babies in their bellies. The rest seems like only personal preferences. Mama can use Dada's tools when she needs to, including the sharp saw - and the drill. She just cannot pee standing up...
First, I take offense at Patchi's contention that she cannot pee standing up. I think she is just not trying hard enough and, thus, I call her "a quitter."
On the other hand, I know exactly what that mother lion instinct feels like -- that feeling that resonates in the core of your being when you think your child is in danger (physical or emotional) that drives you to protect them in any way you can. I belong to a generally really great health club. One of the huge draws for me was the fact that childcare is free and they have little monitors on all the equipment so that you can see your child while you exercise. I thought that was both slightly creepy and largely amazing. Yesterday I was running on the treadmill when I glanced over at the monitor. I saw Little Isis playing quietly in the corner with some toys and a group of bigger boys (maybe 10 years old) next to him, throwing toys and hitting each other with them. As soon as I saw this, it was like some sort of primal switch had been flipped. I damned near lost my mind, ran up the stairs to the childcare room, and came just shy of completely and profanely losing my junk with the gaggle of attendants sitting at a table, chatting instead of correcting the misbehavior of the older boys.
So, I know that instinctual need to protect one's offspring. I know it all too well.
That said, Patchi surely knew what my response was going to be when she sent me the email. Pre-schoolers are fickle little things, growing and exploring their surroundings. Between 26 and 36 months is when they begin role-playing and discovering sex/gender roles. Children emulate the people they see around them and Patchi and her husband will be the most important role models for her son. Right now Little Isis is really in to playing with babies and the plastic toy kitchen set at pre-school. I think these would typically be labeled as "female" activities, but Mr. Isis has been a stay-at-home dad and there are renowned male chefs. Little Isis is also in to walking around in my heels; I suspect this is just interest in something novel and shiny.
But, if it's not interest in something novel and shiny and Little Isis does grow to prefer silver metallic heels to black wingtips, then that needs to be okay. If Little Isis grows up to prefer boys instead of girls, then that needs to be okay. My son needs to develop the identity that will lead him to become a healthy and fulfilled adult, not the identity I think he should have. I can try to guide him and teach him to be a kind person, but I can't force him into a mold. I think that part of loving him unconditionally means loving the person he will ultimately become, even if it is different than whatever groundless expectations I had for him.
I try to be careful about identifying activities as male/female because, as Patchi points out herself, I hate to be told that I can't do something because I am female. We need to have the same standards for our sons.
The other responsibility we have as parents to our children (and the responsibility we have to each other) is to protect them from harassment from others and to prevent them from harassing others. It can't be okay to chastise someone based on gender choice or sexual preference. It might be easy to teach our children that the tallest blade of grass is the one that gets cut first, but that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.
Brain & Behavior
Medicine & Health
Comments
That picture is SO wrong!
Posted by: TGAP Dad | August 3, 2009 4:19 PM
That picture is SO wrong!
You mean the shoes? Or the lady peeing standing up? Why is it wrong?
Posted by: ambivalent academic | August 3, 2009 4:23 PM
My Baby Grrl, who is 3, loves comic books. Spider-Man in particular. As a result, she has some SM shirts and a pair of SM sandals. Sometimes other kids say that she shouldn't be wearing them, because they are for boys. Both my hubby & I usually respond by saying something like "Spider-Man is a friend to both boys and girls, so if she wants to wear a shirt with him on it, she can." That usually ends their gendered thinking, and we hope maybe give them something to think about.
Posted by: Jessika | August 3, 2009 4:27 PM
Er.... Maybe not end their gendered thinking but at least end the gendered talking at that point.
Posted by: Jessika | August 3, 2009 4:29 PM
My daughter is still too young to be weighing in on the gender thing, but she loves her dad's and mom's shoes very much (the Goddess would probably be most displeased with the Keens that are her favorite to try on). She has no hair yet, and we dress her in a mix of girl and boy clothes, so depending on the day she looks like a girly girl or a rugged boy (interestingly, no matter what she's wearing she is mistaken for a boy). I think there is more flexibility allowed in gender for girls, so she may not come up against this as she gets older. But this has been on my mind quite a bit as well. I think I'll be trying to explain the gender stuff, but explain, as Isis says, that just because something IS the way it is, doesn't mean it SHOULD be (naturalistic fallacy, anyone?). And that perhaps we all have a stake in making things different for everyone around gender expectations. Then perhaps she will be a feminist activist from the moment she can pump her fist into the air vigorously.
Posted by: Kate | August 3, 2009 4:31 PM
Those are awesome shoes, I WANT. Sometimes I shouldn't read this blog, it's already prompted me to buy one pair of expensive shoes.
My parents didn't try to push what's gender normal on me and my brother as kids but other family members sure did. I loved playing with cars and dinosaurs (still love both) yet relative kept buying me Barbies and pink stuff. I got to the point where I would throw all pink things away since I was such a tomboy. Still don't care for the color unless it's subtle like pink pinstripes on gray pants.
I love a lot of girly things like cooking, clothes, shoes, etc. but most of my interests aren't typical because I don't care if it's not "feminine" to think an aquarium is cooler than a day of shopping.
Posted by: Noadi | August 3, 2009 5:00 PM
You don't really believe that Carlos Santana actually designs the shoes his name is branded on, do you?
Posted by: Comrade PhysioProf | August 3, 2009 5:22 PM
Ambivalent: I was referring to the roadside urinater.
I'm slightly old-school - enough to remember Billy Carter relieving himself outdoors while a diplomatic entourage stood by - and seeing someone over the age of three standing by the side of the road watering the daisies gives me the creeps. Add to that the fact that one and only one leg is hiked up (???) and she's in full view of traffic (!!!) and we've got the beginnings of a Jackass sketch.
Posted by: TGAP Dad | August 3, 2009 5:34 PM
"P-Mate was invented by a creative Dutch woman."
Those liberated Dutch think of everything! Also, this might explain why Bill O'Reilly hates the Netherlands.
Posted by: Stellar Moose | August 3, 2009 5:36 PM
My son used to like me to paint his nails. If I were painting my nails, he wanted his done. Under 3, I complied. Why not? His dad was not too keen on it, but it wears off fast enough. However, after age 3, I was careful not to paint my nails around him or when he might find me. Why? Because of the exact reasons stated above. I didn't want to tell him that boys don't paint their nails and girls do. So, I avoided the situation altogether. A couple weeks ago when I had a chance to paint my nails since winter, he found me, and sat down with me, and I feared he would ask. Alas, he has learned through social routes and not his mother that boys don't paint their nails. I think he wanted to ask, but he knew better and he enjoyed watching me paint mine. He's well into elementary school age now, so I really would have had to tell him no.
Posted by: Balancing Act | August 3, 2009 6:20 PM
One of my granddaughters is so frickin' feminine, no matter how her hair is cut or how she's dressed, you KNOW she's a girl. I have a photo of her at 18 hours old that demonstrates this.
However, she's the biggest tomboy ever. I swear she could climb a wall of ice. She fears nothing and is as likely to have a frog in her pocket as a flower. As soon as her Dad comes home from work, she dons his boots and his cap (he's in the Army).
Another daughter has a boy that is the same age. You could dress him in a pink tutu and give him a Barbie and you still wouldn't mistake him for a girl.
The other two grandchildren could be disguised... their gender does not "shine" the way it does with these two... why is that? It's something I've puzzled over ever since I became a Grandma.
Posted by: Donna B. | August 3, 2009 6:27 PM
There are plenty of things we teach kids they aren't allowed to do even though they see other kids doing it. Is it that much harder to teach them that they have permission to do things that other kids may not get away with? Whether they choose to do them around other kids is another matter, but that makes it a question of envy from the other kids rather than adding weight to social rules.
And of course, it's easy for me to ask the question, since I don't have to raise any myself.
Posted by: Stephanie Z | August 3, 2009 6:28 PM
Let him wear that pretty pink shoes and Balancing act - let your son wear the nail polish.
There is something wrong with the care providers if they are not stepping in when the teasing begins. At monkeys daycare all the children are encouraged to play dress up in heels and purses. My little monkey LOVES my heels, wears my lipstick and holds my purses. He also is obsessed with all things "boy". The only way we will move beyond gender roles is if we have the courage to encourage our children to break the molds.
Posted by: ScientistMother | August 3, 2009 6:59 PM
maybe this begs the question or maybe i'm just stirring the pot here...
once upon a time, i got a frantic phone call from my dear friend who asked me to help name off awesome female heroes. it seems her then-kindergarten-aged daughter was convinced that only boys could become superheroes, and since superheroes were epically cool, that made being a girl epically UNcool.
i should mention this girl ran around pretending to be robin from batman and robin. and spiderman. and i don't even remember what else. she played with trucks and kitchen sets as a toddler. and my friend never once opposed this behavior. still, this child became convinced that girlhood was uncool.
so what is the missing link here? do messages from parents apparently only go so far when kids are bombarded with outside messages? is it a differences of ages? i don't have kids myself, so i have no idea. i'm just seeing that there appear to be a lot of other factors here.
Posted by: leigh | August 3, 2009 7:24 PM
I think this post is great because so much of the feminist literature I've read has focused on the point that we as a culture, as a society need to realise that to stop the behaviour of rape we don't need to arm our daughters with mace and floor length robes - we need to teach our sons not to rape. I don't have children, but I might some day and these questions that encompass how we treat each other based on sex, sexual preferences, and perceived gender rolls is such an interesting complex question.
Posted by: Avery | August 3, 2009 7:37 PM
Posted by: Isis the Scientist | August 3, 2009 7:52 PM
...
"The P-Mate is basically like a cardboard shoe with the toe cut off."
I find that a wee bit ironic, taken in context ...as all good readers do...
'And a cardboard shoe shall set you free. Now go, write in the snow as mother Isis would command..!! '
.
...tom...
.
Posted by: ...tom... | August 4, 2009 12:41 AM
OK, I'm not religious, but Goddess, your response to PP makes me say "Amen!"
Posted by: Prof to be | August 4, 2009 12:51 AM
This is a change of topic but at least it's about gender.
What is the deal with board games (like Monopoly or Parchisi, but the newer games)? IMO board games are way behind the times in how they portray women.
I went to buy board games for the little Gingerales. Naturally I first investigated the reports on boardgeek dot com. And sheesh -- these games are counter-revolutionary, I'm tellin' ya. There are all manner of damsels in distress, hardly any healthy female role models, and hardly any complaints about this in the online reviews.
Isis, I hope you are OK with my tangental rant.
End of rant (for now).
Posted by: Gingerale | August 4, 2009 7:29 AM
I have been reading your blog for a while and find it quite amusing, but this is the first time I have felt the need to post...
As you can see from my name, I am male. However, I was not born male. For the first 30 years of my life, I lived as female.
I was a classical tomboy growing up. Thankfully, my parents humored me and didn't force Barbie or an Easy-Bake Oven on me. As I got older, though, frequent battles broke out between my mother and I about the way I dressed (I prefer dark colors and men's pants and despise pastels and flowers), the way I did my hair (brush-and-go when Mom thought I should style it), and wearing make-up (let's not even go there).
My mother reacted very badly (major understatement) when I told her I am transitioning. On the other hand, the first time I looked in the mirror and see a man looking out at me, I cried with joy.
I am NOT saying any child who plays with toys normally associated with the other gender will be TS. I am saying there is no reason to stop a boy from playing with "girl toys," or stop a girl from playing with "boy toys." If the child is teased, it can lead to a good chance to teach the child self-esteem. ("It's OK. You are allowed to do those things, so long as you enjoy them.") And as others said, it can lead to breaking the sterotypical idea of "girls/boys can't do that."
My mother's actions hurt my relationship with her. We still speak, but I know she will probably never accept me as I am. Don't make the same mistake she did. Love your kids the way they are and let them express themselves as they wish. Everyone will be better off for it.
Posted by: Erik | August 4, 2009 10:46 AM
I feel your pain, leigh. Been there, been asked to do that. I was, though, able to rattle off quite a few (comic book addiction) whereupon it became a game of "okay, now let's try to find one who's not always mostly naked."
Posted by: Kate from Iowa | August 4, 2009 4:07 PM
"If Little Isis grows up to prefer boys instead of girls, then that needs to be okay."
Hey, Isis? Thanks for saying this. I've been a bit upset with catholics on general (a close friend's mom kicked her out of the house on religious grounds; apparently having a girlfriend means you've been drawn in by the devil. They found out because she left out an essay on struggles in her life, a fair amount of which was worry about coming out.) so it's nice to be reminded that the religion doesn't have to lead to quite those beliefs. It really does make a difference, so thanks again.
Posted by: Mnymosene | August 5, 2009 2:02 AM
one thing I noticed through these comments is that it seems to be much, much easier to encourage girls to do 'boy-things' than the other way round. Certainly in terms of young kids. I'd almosts welcome the challenge of helping anyfuture daughter to stand up to peoplesaying she wasn't allowed to do tthings through being a girl, but I'd feel a lot more worried buying a future son pink sparkly shoes.
Posted by: Lab Rat | August 5, 2009 3:55 AM
Hoping to inject some humor into a mostly serious thread...
I am, and always have been, a tomboy, while my husband is, and always has been, a ... (why is it that there is no good word for a girly-boy? Surely I can't call him a "sissy"!) Which isn't to say that we don't participate in traditional activities for our gender as well--we just both do what we love, regardless of stereotypes.
So I guess it was no surprise that when my youngest was 5, we had this conversation:
W: Mommy, I want to be a girl when I grow up.
Me: Why? Because you want to have long hair? (We'd just finished a conversation about long hair, so it was an obvious conclusion.)
W: No. Because I want to use power tools.
Posted by: UnlikelyGrad | August 5, 2009 9:24 AM
Female superheros? The power puff girls! They're girls and in kindergarten. But both my boys loved the nail polish,fingers and toes. My oldest had the kitchen set when he was 2, begged for the easy bake oven for his 4th bday, of course he got it. My youngest boy is 3 and wants to be a mom when he grows up. I told him boys are dads, but he wasnt hearing it. So I let it go and told him he could be a mom when he grows up. Who knows what the future holds?
Posted by: Jenni | August 6, 2009 4:49 AM