Dr. Isis has just eaten a veritable fuckton of turkey, turnips, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, rolls, stuffing, corn, cranberries, and more rolls. Then I followed it up with some pumpkin and banana cream pies. As a tradition, Thanksgiving began by me brawling with my teenage cousin over the turkey leg. Don't fret. I beat his ass.
Figure 1: Cause, it's totally an acheivement to beat up a teenager over a turkey leg.
Now that I am full and sleepy, I am going to answer a letter. That seems totally logical:
Dear Dr. Isis,
I have been following your blog for some time now, and I enjoy reading your stories and responses to everyday life. I currently am a student at [big ass university] studying chemistry. I will be graduating in 2012 after three years of study, and plan on going on to get my masters and PhD in order to do lab research and possibly teach sometime in the distant future. I have a fantastic boyfriend who has proposed, though we are going to wait until we both have at least our masters (he's going into industrial engineering). I was curious as to your opinion on name changes. We (my fiance - that is weird to type - and I) have discussed it, and I would very much like to take his last name. But, since we are not getting married until after graduation, is it acceptable to get my diplomas in my maiden name and then have a continuation of research papers in my married name, or would it be acceptable to sign my documents in a married name so (what I hope will be) famous scientific papers will have "one" author and also get my diploma in that name? To add in another curveball, my fiance is Brazilian and he suggested I take his name followed by my maiden name, essentially making his name my middle name, but using it in everyday life and using my name as my final name, and the name published in documents.
What would you suggest?
A very loyal reader,
Michelle
First, congratulations on your upcoming marriage and degree. Both are life changing events in their own way. As you'll learn when people begin commenting on this post, there is no right answer to your question, per se. All I can do is tell you what I did and what worked for me. Your name is yours and you've gotta decide what you think is best.
I was married in graduate school and my undergraduate degree is in my maiden name. I guarantee you that no one gives two fucks about the name on your degree as long as you obtained the degree. There were a couple of times in graduate school when I was applying for some things that I was asked for a copy of my marriage license to verify my last name. Still, it was never an issue.
The bigger issue is the name that you use to publish and become known with professionally. That was not as easy for me. What your Brazilian fiance suggests seems to be related to the fairly standard Latin American/Spanish naming convention. In Latin America middle names are uncommon. Individuals have a first name and two surnames (ie, last names). The first is the apellido paterno, or father's last name. The second is the apellido materno, or mother's last name. So, for example, if Carlos Rodriguez and María Gomez had a child and named her Juana, her full name would be Juana Rodriguez Gomez. She might abbreviate her name Juana Rodriguez G. or be address as Señorita Rodriguez. If she married Angel Perez Ramirez and opted to change her last name, she would become known as Juana Rodriguez Perez, Juana Rodriguez de Perez, or Juana Rodriguez Gomez Perez/de Perez (although I think this is less common). If they had a child named Alicia, she would be Alicia Perez Rodriguez. In some places the concept of a maiden name is not recognized at all and women do not change their names. In some places the woman may chose the order of her names, provided her offspring have their surnames in a consistent order.
When I married, I liked the convention of having two last names, reflecting the joining of two families, so I kept my father's last name as my apellido paterno and then appended my husband's last name to the end of it. I used both last names consistently together for a while, except that they were always mangled. I was called Mrs. Name A and Mrs. Name B with equal frequency, my last name was frequently hyphenated in seminars, and the folks around me really had a hard time with the concept of two last names. There were some online forms I would fill out that simply wouldn't accept two last names.
When it finally came time to start sealing the deal and publishing, I opted for simplicity and used my apellido paterno like a middle name. So, assuming my full name is Isis [Bad Ass Middle Name] Awesome Hotness, I began publishing as I.A. Hotness. The name on my door is I.A. Hotness and I get my paychecks issued to I.A. Hotness. My legal name is still Isis [Bad Ass Middle Name] Awesome Hotness, and that has caused a little confusion around tax time, but it's been pretty minimal. I've thought about legally dropping my middle name and replacing it with my apellido paterno, but that's a huge hassle - a hassle I just don't care that much about. My PhD diploma has Isis Awesome Hotness as the name and that has been unproblematic. In the appropriate circles I am addressed as Dr. [My husband's last name] and the only thing that is important is publishing with consistent names.
As I reflect back, I probably could have fought to maintain both names equally, but at the time it wasn't that important to me. It still really isn't that important. The only thing I wanted was to preserve both names in some form. It didn't matter to me which people addressed me by, as long as it was consistent. For me, it was just easier to use my husband's name as my primary identification. I mean, after all...
But, I realize that asking someone what you should do about your name when you marry is like asking "how many jellybeans are in a one liter jar?" No one is going to give you the same answer, but everyone's going to think they are right. At the end of the day, do what you think is best. The name on your diploma isn't an issue and papers you may be an author on as an undergraduate are probably not going to define your career at the professor level. My inclination is to tell you to not start using the boy's name until you have officially sealed the deal. You can list articles on your CV with your maiden name and I think most people will figure it out. I have a colleague from graduate school who published with her maiden name and then married during her last year. She then began publishing with her husband's name and included a note on her CV to highlight her name change. She lists publications published under both names on her website, highlighting her name with bold text, and it is very apparent what she has done. Everyone in our field knows her and I don't think her name change has affected her.
So, at the end of the day I am just not sure that this is worth stressing over. What's more important is that you pick the name that you like and want to use. If you're going to change your name when you marry, make a single change and then be consistent with how you use. You're not the first woman in science to marry and I think most people will figure it out.
But, most importantly, congratulations and good luck with the pending marriage and graduate school, little muffin.
Education
Life Science
Comments
In the most confusing possible solution, two of my friends who are both PhD/MD's have taken each others' last name. Still no word on what Dr. X-Y and Dr. Y-X will name their kids.
Posted by: Southern Fried Scientist | November 27, 2009 12:26 AM
i've done basically the same thing as you describe, Isis. rather than just give up the name i used for so many years, i added the married name to the end and use the maiden name like a second middle name. i also bold my name on the publications/abstracts list on my CV.
there are all kinds of ways to handle the situation, all of which are valid.
Posted by: leigh | November 27, 2009 1:33 AM
The Astrophysics Data System is the primary electronic index for papers in my field. Those who maintain this database will, upon request, link all a person's papers published under one name to all those published under another. I know several badass female astronomers who have changed their names and ensured a consistent "paper trail" with this method. Michelle may wish to investigate whether this is possible in her field.
Posted by: Asphericity | November 27, 2009 1:34 AM
I'm not a scientist, I'm a filmmaker/writer/producer. Your credits are really important in gaining a track record and reputation. I am also named for my grandfather, so first and last name is the same, save a spelling tweak on the first name to feminize it. So I had two good reasons to want to keep my own name. When my beloved proposed, I told him I didn't want to change my name - too much professional and sentimental attachment to this identity I'd carved out. His response? "Why on earth would you want to? It's already perfect!"
I chose well.
PS - my daughters are hyphenated. We've agreed that they can choose one or the other when they grow up, with no pressure from either of us, if they get sick of the double-barrelled surname.
Posted by: 24fps | November 27, 2009 1:41 AM
Since statistically speaking your marriage has a pretty good chance of not working out, you might consider not changing your name at all. If he turns out to be a keeper, well then you're one of the few lucky ones. If he turns out to be an asshole, then at least you won't have to deal with the hassle of changing your name again. Good luck to you.
Posted by: Pilot | November 27, 2009 3:09 AM
Your response pretty much matches the one I gave to a similar question a few months ago. Personally, I'm very glad I kept my name when I married. I love being Dr. S, just like my mom, who was also Dr. S, and who also kept her own name when she married.
Posted by: SciWo | November 27, 2009 7:21 AM
It only seems fair, then, that Senhor Fiance change his name, too, to reflect his change of marital status. Is this an issue?
No?
Really?
See, and that's why I didn't change my name. My partner offered to, but only because he knew I would never insist on it. Professionally, it's not relevant to whom I am married, and in social life I can go either way, as can my partner.
Posted by: Joolya | November 27, 2009 8:14 AM
Many authors have a nom de plume which is totally separate from their social and legal names. Many others have one name which they use socially (Skip) and another which they use legally (Henry).
There is no overriding reason why any of them have to be the same.
The solution a lot of professional women have adopted (including $DAUGHTER) is to simply maintain their birth names for professional purposes. This keeps the academic records, publications, etc. all in sync. Socially, the young Fraulein Schmitz may have grown into Frau Doktor Bauer without ever changing her legal or professional names. Or she may have changed her legal name; it's not that hard to do.
There's some turbulence when the names don't match up (people putting the wrong one on payroll records, etc.) but it's more of a minor nuisance than anything else.
FWIW, I've never liked the name-change-on-marriage custom. That, however, is just me. The key thing is that names are like clothing: they serve certain functions, and once those functions are served you can do what you like with them to please yourself.
Posted by: D. C. Sessions | November 27, 2009 9:39 AM
Actually, in Brazil we don't change our names how you explained. That works for all Latin America, except Brazil. If João Nogueira Costa marries Cecília Gomes Braga, and she decides to take her husband last name, she will be called Cecília Braga Costa and their kid will be called Kid Braga Costa.
Posted by: Brazilian | November 27, 2009 9:46 AM
I forgot to mention...In Brazil our names follow the "recipe": First name + Mother's family name + Father's family name.
Posted by: Brazilian | November 27, 2009 9:50 AM
I think you should change your name to I.M. Hotness
Posted by: april | November 27, 2009 10:08 AM
If you end up having two surnames and end up living elsewhere than in a Spanish- or Portuguese-speaking country, I strongly recommend a hyphen. As soon as an American is involved, people can't tell whether a name is a given name or a surname by just looking at it (see Huxley Drew Laden for a simple example), and many will get it wrong.
That both partners keep their names is usual in China, though there it's also usual that the children take the father's surname (and no other).
Posted by: David Marjanović | November 27, 2009 1:48 PM
I debated this decision far more than anything else surrounding my nuptials 26 years ago.
I knew people who had take every possible approach to the issue.
If you keep your name, then you avoid a lot of hassle professionally. What you find out (later) is that professional and personal lives are not separate. Then you reproduce, and mom may end up with a different name from the rest of the family.
So what did I do? I had another dilemma - my parents named me Ann Pascale Hammond and had me use my middle name. DO NOT do this to your child. Legally, your first name is your name; right now someone is being fucked over in a airport somewhere because their ID says John W and their ticket says William. Changing your last name involves showing a wedding license; dropping your first name is a major pain in the ass. But I eventually jumped through the hoops and became Pascale Hammond Lane.
I would not have change my name had I already begun to publish; I had a single abstract in (what turned out to be) an unrelated field. What would I do if my hubby dies and I remarry? I would continue to be Pascale Hammond Lane because it is my publication name. Since I will not be reproducing again, I see no need to change it and be different from my children.
Of course, I see no reason to marry again and have to civilize another male of the species...
Posted by: Pascale | November 27, 2009 1:54 PM
Keep the name you were born with. It saves a lot of trouble.
An example: Aunt B, who married my uncle T in a moment of foolish young love, took her law degree when she was still using uncle T's last name. Finally, common sense prevailed and she divorced uncle T. (She's still my Aunt B - she didn't divorce the rest of us, just him!) She's been a lawyer and a judge for many many years under Uncle T's last name, even though she's remarried. (And her second choice is a cool guy who is now part of our family. Even Uncle T concedes that she made a good decision!) So, her professional career consists of work done under a name that was hers for only a few years, and was neither her birth name nor the name she uses now. If she'd stuck to her birth name, she'd have a complete CV that she doesn't have to explain.
Keep your name.
Posted by: Lauren | November 27, 2009 1:54 PM
Pascale@13, my husband's family is full of this. My husband's Aunt Evelyn went to get a copy of her birth certificate so she could get a passport. Imagine her surprise when she found out at the age of 58 that her name was not Evelyn. Not even close. It's something like Florencia. When she asked her mother, her mother told her an old story about some great-aunt who was living with the family at the time Evelyn was born who hated the name Florencia and just arbitrarily started calling the baby Evelyn. The great-aunt's personality so dominated the little family that in short time, everyone forgot that her name wasn't Evelyn at all.
In order to get her passport, Evelyn had to pull together documentation from her entire life to show that her name by custom was Evelyn, and her passport read something like "Florencia LastName aka Evelyn LastName"
Posted by: Lauren | November 27, 2009 2:03 PM
i am not sure. keeping your name saves you work. taking his name is very romantic though
Posted by: allyse | November 27, 2009 2:39 PM
<headdesk>
Posted by: David Marjanović | November 27, 2009 3:26 PM
My friend Ray discovered, at about age 17 (when getting his driver's license) that his official first name was not "Raymond" as he had always assumed, but rather "Raphael".
Unfortunately for him, this was at the height of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle craze, so we kind of gave him a hard time about this.
Posted by: Dr. Free-Ride | November 27, 2009 3:41 PM
Women do remarry. I knew one who took her first husbands name, and after several years of widowhood remarried a wonderful guy. Alas, for many of the reasons mentioned above changing her name again would have been less than ideal. Result: she's married to one man while still using another's name.
He's a really great guy and it apparently doesn't bother him. Or maybe it does and he doesn't see any point in letting on.
It was $EX-WIFE's decision to take my name back when, not mine. Assuming that $HERSELF ever decides to make an honest man of me there's no question she'll keep the name she was born with, and that suits us both just fine.
Posted by: D. C. Sessions | November 27, 2009 4:56 PM
I recently got married, post-masters and pre-PhD, only one publication under my belt. I wrestled with this issue a lot.
Here's what I did and my reasons, though I fully recognize it's not for everyone--I kept my name. Not because it's pretty (it's not), not because I had a problem being called Mrs. Histlastname (I don't), not because I'm some some sort of man-hating harpy dressed as a wife, but because I wasn't changing. It was a combination of things, but I figure if something happens and I want to change my name later, I can. But it's made my life a lot easier, and I'm still totally fine with being called Mrs. Hislastname.
The only non-positive reaction we've received was when his relatives were confused when we were announced at the reception as, "the bride and groom, MyFirstName My Lastname & HisFirstName Hislastname". They get it now.
To the chem student, congrats, good luck, and you'll figure it out and it will work no matter what.
Posted by: Rocketscientista | November 27, 2009 5:00 PM
UFFFFFFFFFF.
This is stuff for high power brains.
Posted by: eileen | November 27, 2009 5:25 PM
I changed my name with my first husband. I was young. I thought it was romantic. I wanted to create a "new" family. My then-husband, who was Puerto Rican, wanted me to either keep my own or to hyphenate with my name as the second name (I think this was more about protecting me from potential discrimination with a very Hispanic sounding last name than anything else). I put the hypenenated version on our marriage license but used his name personally and professionally. We were married for 10 years. I published A LOT in those 10 years. I had a son in those ten years.
After I left him I decided to keep his name because (a) it was all over my CV and (b) it was my son's name. But after a year or so it really didn't fit and I had met the man who would become my now husband. I took back my family name and when I married a second time I kept it. While my CV would have looked pretty wild (I do my old last name in parantheses and bold all instances of it) that wasn't really the reason. I also did not have any doubts that I would stay married to this man. Instead I realized that it isn't a name that makes a family.
While I agree that it is an individual choice I have been wondering lately at the number of younger women I know who take or plan to take their husband/fiance's name without hesitation.
Posted by: brigindo | November 27, 2009 7:24 PM
You should take whatever option appeals most to you, and ever after don't apologize, because there will always be people who think you chose wrong (as though their opinion matters). Here was my decision.
Posted by: Dr Jekyll & Mrs Hyde | November 27, 2009 7:28 PM
I didn't change my name. I understand that people want to have their family defined by a single name, and many women want to have the same surname as their children...but changing my name mid-life to a different name seemed akin to asking me to assume a different identity, and I couldn't abide. Husband did not care and never expected me to change my name, although his family was miffed a bit. We have given the kid his last name -- the trade-off is that I get to assign the first two, and this seems fair to me.
Posted by: gnuma | November 27, 2009 7:44 PM
Which brings up the two essential rules for long-term happiness:
1) Don't do anything you'll regret later.
2) Rule #1 notwithstanding, don't regret anything you've done.
Posted by: D. C. Sessions | November 27, 2009 9:32 PM
An anecdote to think about. A friend of mine did not change her name after her marriage.
However, one night when her children were around 5-ish, she had a dream that she had lost them at the main railway station of her city, and that the authorities would not give the kids back to her because she had a different name. This upset her so much that she changed her surname to her husband's the very next day by Deed Poll.
However, there is an epilogue. She maintained her 'maiden' name for all her professional work, including her payslips and on her scientific papers - as many of my women friends do - as do many people in the theatrical and literary worlds.
d.
d.
Posted by: d. | November 28, 2009 5:10 PM
I have a friend who adopted a teenager from Belize and brought the girl into the US.Of course, the girl took my friend's husband name as her surname. Then my friend divorced and even though my friend did not change her name, the girl from Belize wanted to change her name to her second father's name. I hope that my friend does not divorce again.
See, you have all kind of experiences going on. This world is very diverse.....
Posted by: Kitty | November 28, 2009 6:02 PM
I also elected to keep my maiden name as a second middle name. It's nice to know that a) there's a long tradition of it somewhere in the world and b) other people have arrived at the solution independently as well. When I was agonizing about this, the only options I knew about were hyphenate or ditch the maiden name.
Another thing to consider: I publish just under first name/last name. My husband's last name is pretty unique; my first name and maiden name are really common. There's a guy in my field whose first name is a variation on my first name and whose last name is my maiden name. He's really well known, so I thought it was best not to muck about with such a similar name when it came to establishing my professional name. There are another two people in our field with almost identical names and I see them getting confused all the time, so I think I made the right call.
Posted by: nobody | November 28, 2009 11:11 PM
So many people are not aware that the right to keep your maiden name upon marriage is something that was fought for by women in our country. Here's a little something on that topic:
http://www.namelymarly.com/blog/2009/07/changing-your-last-name-when-you-get-married-your-decision-or-society%E2%80%99s/
I agree with Dr. Isis, however, that it is important to do what is best for you. And that is not always easy to measure. I love my husband's family and wanted to feel a sense of unity. So, I made a compromise. I added my husband's name (but not hyphenated) to my last name. I kept my middle name too. So now I have 4 names - my first name, my middle name, my maiden name, and my husband's last name. I must be really important to have so many names! ;-) But I primarily use my birth surname. I really like it. It fits me. But I sometimes use the two last names together. Not having them hyphenated gives me that option. Names are my thing so I talk to lots of people about them. You have many, many options! Best of luck to you!
Posted by: Marly | November 29, 2009 6:37 PM
I decided to hyphenate, for a variety of small reasons. I did not consider giving up my family name completely. My name is in bold in my publications list on my CV, but I think that is a good thing to do regardless of changing names.
One factor I didn't consider at the the time was that while both spouse and I have reasonably common last names, with my hyphenated name my work is very easy to find in a science or even non-science search engine.
Posted by: a biologist | November 29, 2009 9:10 PM
I kept my own name, partly due to feminist principles, partly as I already had publications in that name, partly because my husband's name and my own would sound fairly awful if hyphenated (not that they are particularly odd or mismatched, just the sounds required would be hard for anyone to parse on hearing). The only reason I'd consider taking his name is that it occurs early in the alphabet, whereas mine occurs late; and there are a lot of situations in the world that discriminate against the "alphabetically-challenged". But on balance, I feel I owe it to my birth family, rather than my husband's family, that I am 'making a name for myself' (in a modest way) and hence think it appropriate to keep using that name for professional purposes. Socially I'm not bothered using "Mrs HisLastName" (though "Dr HisLastName" would be weird); and he isn't much bothered that he sometimes gets "Mr HerLastName".
Posted by: CW | November 30, 2009 7:18 AM
Legally changing your name at marriage (or any other time) involves a small amount of hassle; keeping your name involves none. The Spouse didn't want to take my last name (because it was already a famous name when combined with his first name) nor did I want to take his last name because it sounds goofy in English. Two kids with my non-goofy-sounding last name, no problems.
As far as I can tell, only women think that taking their husband's name is romantic. Some of those romantics will later take another man's name because of divorce/widowhood and subsequent remarriage. Those who find it romantic continue to find it so, regardless of how many times they may end up changing their name.
Posted by: Kaethe | December 1, 2009 12:24 PM